


please stay with me tonight (and every single night)

by lallemaurys



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eliott saving Lucas' ass, Flirting, Hurt/Comfort, Lucas doesn't speak a word of french, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, Trip - Freeform, a little miscommunication because why not, and of course slow romance, but there could be a chapter with Eliott's point of view, lucas pov, some kind of fanfic about travelling and be lost in France
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:33:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 172,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26825194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lallemaurys/pseuds/lallemaurys
Summary: Lucas Lallemant is a senior in college who, after almost seven years, finally had the courage to do something he had always been secretly hoping for, but he will soon learn that not everything always goes as planned. What do you do when you find yourself in a foreign country with no idea where to go and not knowing how to pronounce more than two lines in a somewhat complicated language? Luckily for Lucas, a small accident could lead him to a person who will be willing to offer his help, his company, his shoulder for support and even his hand for Lucas to hold.A journey where Lucas will not only discover things about himself and also let go of pieces of his past, but he will understand that his home is where he least expected it.or the strangers to lovers.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 155
Kudos: 229





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I really have no idea where to start, sorry if this goes wrong. A few months ago I had this story planned in my head and it wasn't until recently that the universe sort of started throwing hints at me saying, "write the story, this is a good idea, you can write this, add this." And finally I decided to write it after watching a movie that just gave me the last push I needed. I'm a little nervous to publish this because I'm really liking the story, I always try to write about things I would like to read and this is definitely something I was waiting for. I have written a few chapters so far but I still have to edit and fix a few things, but I will definitely try to have a chapter every week. And another thing, English is not my first language so if you find any mistakes, I'll be happy if you let me know.

This had been a terrible idea. Lucas knew that when he looked back in a couple of months or even a few years he would realize how stupid he had been. He had had bad trips in the past, but this one was in the top three. And he wasn't one to sit around for more than seven hours when he could have taken a plane that lasted only ⅓ this trip, no, this is not the problem or maybe it is but it is the least of his problems. His biggest problem had a month's name, long legs and curly hair with dark eyes that could look as feline and scary as sweet and innocent.

Why the hell did he think it was a good idea to let her come on the trip? Why did he have to let his friend talk him into it?

Lucas was not one to regret his decisions many times. Yes, throughout his adolescence he made some stupid and reckless decisions that caused him to spend an hour or two in a police station, but nothing serious. Nothing that he would think would turn his life upside down or put him in any danger, but this time it was different. He felt that at any moment he could jump out of the window and run away or simply take whatever was in front of him and then deal with disposing of a body. His second plan didn't sound so bad; the problem was the same one that had caused it: Harve. He wasn't letting go of her and she wasn't making an effort to do so either. The girl hadn't even gotten up to go to the bathroom once, how was that even possible? Lucas had already lost track of how many times he took any excuse to avoid seeing those two rubbing their mouths against each other.

No, too much heterosexual for his eyes.

The trip wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't found himself trapped next to an old lady who kept talking and talking loudly, in what seemed to be some kind of romance language, to the person on the other end of the cell phone, and when the woman finally finished the eternal conversation and the silence finally came out, someone's son started demanding attention. The baby was crying for a good hour and Lucas was five seconds away from going to the bathroom, climbing out the window and getting lost wherever they were just to make his head stop beating so hard.

September asks him, "Could you take off that face you're wearing?" The girl has pink lipstick running down the corner of her lip and her black nails, which had been in perfect condition at the beginning of the trip, were now almost broken and half of the nail polish was gone.

Why? What would Harve see in her?

"Excuse me? It's the only face I have, if you've noticed." Lucas responds with as much irony as possible.

God, give me some patience, I'm not asking that much of you.

"You could try to look less unpleasant." She leans forward a bit, trying to reach her heel strap to adjust it to her ankle.

Lucas shrugs slightly, following with his eyes the white skin of the September that she exposes when she bends over. Thank God because men exist. "Your face doesn't help either."

The girl lets out a little squeal as she gets up quickly leaving her back straight. Her eyes opened wide as if she couldn't really imagine what Lucas had just implied and then it was Harve's reaction that never really came until she hit his arm hard.

"What? What?" Harve asks after putting his cell phone away. Why are you pretending, buddy? There's no reception, I've already checked it fifty times since we started this trip. It doesn't take Harve long to figure out what's going on, and before his girlfriend makes her little scene, he turns to Lucas without warning. "Lucas," he sighs as if he too is praying to God for patience. "Just behave yourself."

"What? I'm behaving, she's the one who has to talk about my face." Lucas raises his hands up to his friend and then turns to meet the now frowning face of September. That girl who takes off almost four inches could have destroyed him a long time ago, but Lucas knew the reason why she hadn't done it yet and it was Harve. As much as his friend pretended he couldn't stand it, Lucas knew better. Who was Harve without him? And who was Lucas without Harve? They were one. 

"You should have thought of that before you sat down in front of me." Or you should have thought of that before you came on this trip. Lucas throws the commentary at her which only causes his friend to send a murderous look with a clenched jaw and the girl opens her mouth for a second while her chest goes up and down very quickly.

The girl inflates her chest and restores her composure before getting close to him. "That is why you are _so alone,_ there is no one who can stand to be with you for more than five minutes." She looks pleased with this last scathing comment, the raised corner of her lip giving her away completely.

And this time it is Lucas' turn to open his mouth. He can't believe what he's hearing. He is not alone. "I am not alone." Well yes, he is, but by his own choice. "And what I do with my love life is not of your inconvenience."

She lets out a snort and what could sound like a laugh she was trying to drown out with a vague attempt. "Which one? You don't have one, Lucas" Jesus, he even hated the sound of his name in her mouth. "All you do is fuck, destroy, and run. You don't have anyone else. Why did you bring Harve on this trip? Yes, because you have no one else."

Okay, screw this.

"September." Harve hisses with his non-threatening voice. You could try a little harder, couldn't you? Lucas thinks, but he doesn't bother to direct any glances at his friend.

"First, who are you to talk about my life? You don't know me. If you haven't noticed, you're _just_ Harve's girlfriend, unfortunately, and I can't change that, but you're not my friend, you're nothing to me. You don't know shit about my life, okay? What I do or don't do is not your business and secondly, he's here because I want him to be, but you, you're here because he wanted you, not me. You know absolutely nothing about me, September, don't think you have the right to judge me because you're the least likely to talk about what's right or wrong, or do you want me to remind you-"

"Well, that was enough." Harve interrupts Lucas and looks at the two of them, first at Lucas with his eyes two seconds away from jumping out of his skull. "You guys can't go without a fight, please, we're almost done here. I want to go back without carrying any of the bodies of the two of you."

Lucas' chest was pounding and his hands, which had hitherto been held in his lap, were now forming a handful at his sides. Neither of them said anything. She knew that if it wasn't for her boyfriend interrupting them Lucas would have kept talking and he knew that the last thing he wants is to have a stronger migraine and have to endure that sad Harve look.

He had to breathe easier and try to calm his head. He didn't want to say anything that would hurt Harve. Yes, his friend was an idiot who had let this woman eat his head, but he loved him. He wasn't going to uncover the truths of September on a train at the border of Spain when there were still four more hours locked up and God willing, one more week of that hellish journey.

I should have said no. I had to say no to Harve, why did I think it wasn't such a bad idea? He could blame the alcohol that was running in his system when his friend made the offer, but he knows that's not true. He said yes because he wanted to try. He wanted to try to fix things for Harve. He was happy with her even though she wasn't good for him, but he wanted to give her a second chance. Christ, how wrong I had been. She's still the girl who took advantage of the night she and Harve hooked up at that club.

And as much as it hurt, she was right. Lucas was alone, but he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of letting her know she was right either. Never. It's his life and he has a right to decide how to run it.

The rest of the trip occurred without incident. Lucas tried to get some sleep, but when he realized that the headache was preventing sleep from reaching his body and clearing his mind, he decided to just sit still and rest his eyes. He spent the entire trip with his head stuck to the window glass pretending to sleep while listening to Hare's half-whispered conversation with September.

"I don't understand how you put up with it." The girl says in a low voice, but Lucas could sense the displeasure with which she was addressing her words and he could bet that the girl had a scowl.

"He is my brother." Harve responds in the same way, but with a slightly more tired tone of voice as if this wasn't the first time they had talked about it.

"Cut that out, Harve, you're not real brothers. It's not your obligation to do what he wants you to do. You don't owe him anything, on the contrary, he should be more grateful." The girl declared as she let out a deep sigh.

Lucas had to hold back on his swallowing. He didn't like where that conversation was going.

"I know, but he's still my best friend. He doesn't have anyone else." Wow, that's where those words came from. Lucas feels at that moment as if his heart has just been punctured by the sharpest needle in the whole basket. Did he tell her about the trip? Does she know why they are traveling to Paris?

"It's a stupid thing to do, you're not going to find anything like this." She said. Lucas bit the inside of his cheek trying to calm his desire to run away from there at that moment. God, it was the only deal. The only condition of September joining all this was that she couldn't know the real reason. An idiot, Harve had become a really big idiot. "And you should tell him, if he's your friend you should make things clear."

"I know, but it breaks his heart." Lucas wasn't sure what made him sicker. The betrayal by his best friend or that he was allowing her to talk about him in that way. Lucas had always been so disgusted by pity and he had never bothered with pitying Harve or his family because they were the only ones who knew his story, but at that moment he felt like throwing up. Stop it, please.

September gives off a snort of mockery. "Which one? If he doesn't have one."

Lucas moves a little in his seat, settling down without opening his eyes, which quiets the two voices, letting the conversation die down to that point. Lucas wanted to get off that train as soon as possible and forget those seven eternal hours of his life.

* * *

He wasted no time in asking someone from the service to bring him an aspirin and a glass of water to his room and when he had it in his hands that was the first thing he did. He took his dose of medicine and then fell into a long sleep that allowed his whole body to recover from that trip in that uncomfortable chair with that lousy company. The sensation of his cell phone vibrating in his back pocket awakens him from his deep sleep and when he opens his eyes he finds the room in darkness. The clock on the bedside table reads 9:46 PM. He had been lying in that bed for over five hours and hadn't eaten anything since lunch. He didn't mind skipping meals, but his stomach seemed to have a problem with that.

Lucas bathed, changed his clothes and then made sure to take all his belongings with him. He went to his friend's door and knocked on it hoping that someone would open, but everything he wanted to avoid that night could be heard perfectly from outside the room.

Just what I need, really, couldn't she be quieter?

Lucas bites his lower lip and sticks his forehead to the door of the room. He knocks again, but this time louder trying to quiet the cries of September that could clearly be heard all the way across the ocean.

"Harve, come on I'm hungry!" Lucas clenches his teeth and his fist trying to calm his desire to knock down the door and pull his friend out of the clutches of that woman. Well, maybe that was too dramatic and clearly he wouldn't do it because he could end up traumatized by that image, but that was too much. I didn't know why he was so upset. He had already heard the two of them having sex many times mainly because September liked it to be a show that everyone was watching, but again, this time it was different. Not only had Harve told her everything, but he was going to spend the first night in Paris locked up in a folkloric hotel room when they could go out and spend some time by themselves without September's heavy presence and irritable British accent.

He no longer tried to get his friend out of his room. He went down the hall, took the elevator and then looked in his cell phone for any bar or club nearby. He needed a drink, he needed someone, he needed anything, anything to make that feeling he was feeling inside disappear. And so he found himself outside a big building with a red sign pointing out the name of the place, the line was long, but it was moving at a pretty fast pace and when Lucas managed to get inside he found himself flooded with a warm, crowded atmosphere. How could these people even breathe? And that thought only led him to alcohol. People could feel comfortable in this environment when they were so drowned in an intoxicating liquid and he needed it so badly. It didn't take him long to get to the bar, but if there was one thing Lucas learned during those two weeks traveling abroad and getting to know so many places, people, languages, it was that the best way to get what you wanted was with the help of others. And at that moment he needed anyone's help because Lucas didn't know a single word of French.

Lucas felt that someone was watching him on his right and when he started to look for the source of that feeling he found a dark-haired, eye browed man looking directly at him. Lucas raises his eyebrow as if to indicate that he is approaching him and that is exactly what he does.

The man may be in his late twenties. He's wearing a white shirt with some pretty tight black pants that are a little torn from the bottom. He may have tried to fold them to hide his bad condition, but it would seem that he didn't need to impress with the clothes, he knew what made him most attractive and the truth is that he was exploiting it very well. His arms had muscles and he had a tattoo of both hands, one of God and Adam around one of his biceps. Very original.

The man says something in French that Lucas cannot grasp, which forces Lucas to come closer to him.

"What?" Lucas answers him in English. The man walks away a little with his eyes open, but soon returns to his original position now with his hand on the boy's lower back.

"Wow, American." The man declares without erasing from his face the expression of surprise and amazement as if he had never seen anyone else who was not obsessed with cheese and bread.

Lucas nods his head down to the shirt of the man who has some red lipstick on the corner of his neck. He certainly doesn't waste any time. "So what brings you here?" The man asks him. The truth is that Lucas appreciated the effort he was making to strike up some kind of conversation between the two of them and at another time he might have enjoyed it very much but now he just needed to move on. He needs to get to the point where his body is tingling with alcohol and he takes it from behind.

"Vacation." Lucas responds by moving closer to him and pushing his body towards the man. Partly because I needed him to understand, but also because there were more and more people at the bar and it was getting a little uncomfortable to be pushed.

The man lowers his hand further by taking the loop of Lucas' pants. Well, that was already getting interesting but he still needs the alcohol. "How long are you going to stay?" He keeps asking. Lucas has to resist the urge to roll his eyes. If people weren't a damn post in this country, Lucas wouldn't have to be doing this. But the truth is that it was a little bit nice, deep down Lucas liked this, he liked being pushed around and feeling a strong, hard body against his own, but this would be a thousand times better with a little vodka in his mouth.

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and bites his lower lip as he lowered his eyes to the boy's lips. "Not enough."

So you'll have to hurry." Lucas puts his hand on the man's chest and leaves a few small pats on the skin.

And well, it may be that Lucas has gone a little overboard. It wasn't just vodka. No, he didn't settle for just that. He didn't stop when he was having such a hard time staying on his feet. No, he took whatever tequila he could get his hands on and stole a few sips of Tale's beer? Tavares? Taylor or was it Talin? Lucas didn't remember his name, he really hadn't been paying much attention when all he could concentrate on was a hot liquid coming down his throat and the sound of one of his favorite songs playing loudly in the room. That's how Lucas ended up arresting Trevor - let's pretend that's his name - onto the dance floor and Lucas let himself be swayed by the music. It didn't really feel like it was in his body. He was all flying very high heading up and the only thing holding him up was Trevor's arms around his waist and his mouth taking small pieces of his neck between his teeth. He loved this feeling. That feeling of emptiness as if his whole body would stop weighing so much and finally let go of everything. It was so nice to be able to close his eyes and feel his head slowly fading away.

But Lucas didn't want to sleep. That was not the original plan. Then soon the younger boy turned his head and found himself with Trevor's lips. His kisses tasted like beer, a little bit of cigarette and a cologne he couldn't detect but was choking on the smell of sweat. The kisses became more hurried and the hands began to look for some piece of skin they could work with. Their kiss was getting a little uncomfortable with the angle they were handling, but Lucas didn't want to undo it. He liked to feel the harshness of the man behind his pants where he knew very well that Trevor would soon enter. But it wasn't in Lucas' plans either to get fucked in the middle of a dance floor with thousands of people around him, so as he could he let go of the boy and dragged them both outside where they took a cab to Lucas' hotel.

In short, Trevor was not a very good kisser. He couldn't get between the best lips Lucas has ever tasted. He would bite Lucas' lips so hard that the younger boy felt that at any moment he would burst his skin and bleed out right there, he also used his tongue a lot, his kisses were so wet that Lucas only had to swallow and wipe his mouth every time Trevor was separated because it left him so full of saliva and was so unpleasant. In other circumstances Lucas would have made up some excuse to get rid of him and he would have simply masturbated to solve the problem, but Lucas could still tell that the man knew what he was doing with his hands and everything else. And that could make up for all that torturous kissing session Trevor wanted to keep in bed before he started making the clothes disappear between the two of them.

Lucas with half his head buried in the pillow, kneeling on the bed with his legs attached to Trevor's while the man pushes him to the limit. He knows perfectly where his pushes are going and the strength with which he gives, is glorious and Lucas is not holding back. His eyes are spinning inside his skull while his mouth is letting every sound he wants escape. His hands are holding very strongly on the savannah and he feels that his fingers are hurting a lot because of the effort, but he does not care, this is what he needs. This is what he likes and Trevor is doing an excellent job of earning the title of "The Best French Fuck". And soon Trevor's hands are going down to his where he is just needing it with a lot of desperation. His thick fingers surround him and keep pushing him to the highest point that no skyscraper in New York could ever reach. Lucas is only three more strokes away when he feels the shock of orgasm flooding his whole body and devouring him in a strong and burning heat that left him breathless for a good eight seconds before he remembered how to breathe again.

Both remained silent for a long time recovering from what had just happened. Lucas was not sure how much noise he had made, but he hoped it was enough for his next-door neighbor - September, his best friend - to have heard it as if she had witnessed the whole show. He didn't want her to miss a single detail of everything that had happened there.

"What's so funny?" Trevor asks him with the corner of his lips slightly raised upward as if he expected to hear the joke and laugh as well.

Lucas, who was still lying face down with his whole body extended, simply closed his eyes before answering. "Nothing, I was just thinking about my best friend and his girlfriend."

"Wow, I don't think I'm ready for something like that. This is still recent." Trevor responds before Lucas feels the weight of the bed shift. He laughs a little at the tall man's joke. It is funny. Trevor is funny, I could take Trevor back to my place to keep him buying me drinks, giving me good orgasms and saying stupid things. Trevor is nice. " _Pour ma bien-aimée, Céline, et mon cher, Lucas._ What is this?"

When Lucas opens his eyes he finds Trevor lying in bed, but with a sheet of paper spread out in front of him and a scowl of concentration as he reads the contents of the letter.

"This is in French." The man keeps rolling his eyes down the letter and then swallows his spit. Lucas just sighs and closes his eyes again. The dream was beginning to come true, it was time for Trevor to take his things and go. "Do you know what he says?"

"No. You do."

"What? Of course not. I don't know French." Lucas opens his eyes again and finds himself now with a surprised face and also a bit of fun from Trevor now seeing him with a scowl. "Did you think I was French?"

"Yes, you spoke to me in French when we met." Christ, that sounded like it was thousands of years ago and the truth is that it was only a few hours ago, but Lucas felt so out of place. The alcohol was fading away and it was starting to bring him back to the reality of where he was.

Trevor laughed out loud and shook his head quickly. "No, that wasn't French. I'm Dutch."

"It can't be possible. You don't sound Dutch." Lucas rolls his eyes which only makes Trevor laugh more and his whole face turns into a huge tomato.

"Yes, of course, you, the American, know about accents. So tell me, what language is spoken in Holland?" Trevor challenges him with a little upwardly mobile smile waiting intently for Lucas to say some wrong shit and he is right.

Lucas rolls his eyes again and stands on his elbows to see Trevor better. "Dutch." Trevor laughs again and Lucas gives up, dropping his head into his hands. "I didn't sleep through school. In fact, school was a complete hell, but that's not something Trevor has to care about.

"I can't translate this for you, but my boyfriend sure can." Trevor tells him after a moment of silence in which Lucas rolls on his back to get out of bed.

Lucas takes his underwear off the floor and finishes it on his way to the bathroom. "Yes, I'm sure your boyfriend will be happy to translate for me."

Lucas opens the shower and lets the water run to warm up. When he leaves the room he finds Trevor finishing up his pants. "I have a question, why haven't you translated it? You know there are thousands of pages on the internet that do that. It's not the last century."

Lucas shrugs his shoulders with his arms still crossed over his chest and his shoulder resting on the door frame. "I don't know, it's a lot of work."

The truth is that Lucas had translated it and knew what the letter said, but it was much easier to pretend not to know what that sheet said and what those old letters written in bad blue ink expressed. Some things were better ignored.

"It really sounds like more work to me to find someone to help you pass it on to the computer." The man was tying his shoes and ran his hand through his messy hair before going down and grabbing his shirt.

"Of course not, I'm in France where there are French people everywhere." Trevor turns his face with his left eyebrow raised slightly and his eyes hidden between his eyelashes inspecting carefully.

Lucas grimaces as he understands Trevor's gaze. "You were an exception."

Trevor simply gave him a little smile and nodded his head in acceptance of Lucas' words, but just as he is about to open the door and Lucas follows him out, he turns around, lowering his face to meet Lucas' a few inches away. "I have one last question."

Lucas turns his eyes again. Trevor is fun but exhausting. I don't want him. He's fine in France or anywhere with his French boyfriend. "You ask a lot of questions."

"What is my name?"

Lucas swallows his saliva and wets his lips with his tongue before answering. He lifts his chin more trying to look more confident than he really was. "Trevor."

The man only smiled and denied before lowering his face and placing a short kiss on Lucas' lips and then taking a step away again from the room. "Good luck in your quest, Lucas.

The man closed the door behind him, leaving Lucas standing in the middle of the room in his underwear.

And that was the last time Lucas saw Trevor, because he is sure that was his name.

* * *

The next morning the clock was ticking past noon. Lucas did not remember the time he went to sleep the night before, perhaps it was after two o'clock in the morning when he managed to fall asleep. He had always had trouble sleeping since he was little. At first Mrs. Fletcher took him to a specialist to try to review his case and the doctor ended up prescribing some sleeping pills that Lucas never took. He did not want to depend on any medication and when his mother realized that he was hiding the white pills behind his bed Lucas had to lie to her and tell her that it was because they made him sick. This was not really a lie. Those medicines made him very anxious. They opened up a big dark hole of fear that Lucas felt he couldn't breathe. He had seen what the medicines did to his mother and didn't want to be like his mother. He didn't want to have to rely on something small and bitter tasting to get any rest so he decided to try different things and when those things stopped working he simply let his body sleep when it needed to and if he went more than twenty-four hours without closing his eyes then he was fine. Maybe he would cry at night out of frustration and tiredness, but he wouldn't resist, he wouldn't give his brain what it was asking for unless he bent over and left it alone.

So after taking a long shower and finishing up, he advanced to Harve's bedroom door - in the same place he was last night - and knocked on the door expecting some answer, but this time he only saw Harve open the door and step aside, letting him in.

"Harve asks him, but Lucas suspects he already knows the answer. Harve knows about his bad sleeping habits.

"His friend just nods his head and keeps digging through his suitcase for something he's looking for. Lucas is not sure where he should put himself. He thinks about lying in bed, but he knows what happened there last night so he prefers in the end to just sit on the shore. "What about September?"

"She's gone." There is no note of sadness in Harve's voice when he says those words and for a few seconds Lucas goes from surprise to happiness, and finally he smiles, smiles of relief because maybe things were not as lost as he imagined. Maybe his friend wasn't so blinded by love.

Lucas sighs and for a second forgets where he is sitting and lets himself fall back onto the bed with his arms extended at his sides. "Thank God." Harve lets out a little warning grunt. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but you know how I feel about her."

"Of course, you've made that clear." His friend keeps moving back and forth by opening some bathroom drawers and then going back to the other side of the bed by putting things in his suitcase.

Lucas turns his face and frowned as he stood on his elbows to inspect in more detail whatever Harve is doing. What he originally thought his friend was doing now looked different. He wasn't looking for something, no, he was fixing his clothes and putting them away carefully. "What are you doing?"

"The suitcases."

Lucas pushes himself up by his elbows and sits on the bed trying to get to his friend. "Why? Where are you going?"

"With September. To England." Harve answers him and with that he closes the suitcase and gets out of bed.

Lucas denies with his head. He doesn't really understand but soon realizes that Harve never actually told him that he and she broke up, no, he just assumed they did. "Why did she go over there? And why are you going?"

"She wanted to visit her parents to tell them the news." Harve takes her cell phone and other belongings from the table under the television.

Lucas gets out of bed and walks over to his friend while raising his hands in denial of whatever is going on at that moment. "Oh, no, no, please tell me you didn't get her pregnant."

Lucas pleads with him, but Harve just sighs with exhaustion and runs his hand through his hair. He looked like he hadn't slept all night with dark circles under his brown eyes and his lips a little bruised. Lucas had not yet realized how badly his friend was hurting, but he didn't look exhausted; on the contrary, he looked a little cheerful.

"No, I proposed her last night." Harve says finally. And Lucas' head just rings more like a thousand alarms sounding in front of him.

"You did what?" Lucas asks, and then steps back. His jaw is starting to tighten and his stomach feels empty. "You're crazy, Harve, you couldn't do that. When did it happen?"

"Last night." The boy answers with a shrug and finishes putting his cell phone behind his pants pocket. "We went out to eat after we came in and you were locked in the room and then it just happened, I asked her."

Harve was not seeing him at the time, but Lucas was one hundred percent sure that his face was the opposite of his friend's. Harve was smiling, his eyes were looking down somewhere while he was fixing his shirt sleeve and he had a little smile on his lips. As if he were remembering what happened last night.

No, it can't be real.

Lucas bites his lower lip and looks away from that happy face of Harve. He couldn't stand that, and how could he? He ruined everything. "Why did you do that?"

"I love her, Lucas, why else?" Harve responds very easily which makes it harder for Lucas to hear. If only you knew, Harve, if only you knew the truth. "Besides, we're in Paris, everything is perfect."

Lucas shook his head and bit his lower lip to sit back on the edge of the bed, hiding his face in his hands. "It is not perfect. You can't marry her."

Harve grunts again in a low voice and stomps on his feet walking to the other side of the room away from Lucas. "This is so typical of you, really, I couldn't expect anything less."

Lucas lifts his face from his hands, leaving his elbows on his knees. His brow was furrowed by how confused he was now. "What do you mean by that?"

He can see his friend swallowing heavily and moving his hand in denial. "Forget it."

"No, Harve, now talk." Lucas gets out of bed and walks over to his friend. "What do you mean, _typical of_ _me_?"

"It's always like that with you." Harve finally looks him in the eye. He looks so upset, his eyes now brighter and redder and his look harder. "I'm there all the time to support you and clean up your mess, but you're never there when I need your support the most."

"That's not true and you know it." Lucas tries to sound as sincere as possible. God, how did he end up in this situation?

"Of course it's true and when I finally have something that' _s mine_ you want to just take it away from me like you have since the first minute we met, but no more, this is mine, Lucas, and you're not going to take it away from me. Not anymore."

He ends up saying the last word very strongly as if he were a father who had just scolded his son and told him no, that his last word is no. The knot in Lucas' throat just got bigger and bigger. He knew what Harve meant. From the time they were little he knew that Harve loved him and appreciated having his company, but also deep down he hated him or at least despised all the attention Lucas received from Harve's family. And Lucas understood, he understood that kind of resentment and pain that his friend kept to himself for so long and he also knew that Harve was not thinking clearly. That he didn't mean to say all those things.

"Harve..." Lucas comes a little closer to him, but his friend just wets his lips and takes a step backwards by grabbing the handle of his suitcase.

"Don't look at me like that, Lucas, you have no idea how exhausting it is to go one step behind you. All my life." He sighs and looks down for a few seconds before meeting Lucas' blue eyes again. Lucas could feel a cold sweat running down the back of his neck and the dizziness that was filling his body. "And I'm not taking this against you, of course not, but I've had it." Harve says that last in a whisper. Now he did look tired as Lucas looks now. "I let you have everything, but not this. I don't want to lose it.

"Harve, please, you don't understand." Lucas swallows his saliva and tries to relax his face so Harve can see clearly what he is trying to say. "She- She is not as you think. You deserve so much better."

His friend lets out a breath that sounds like a mocking half laugh, empty of humor, and turns his gaze to the wall on his right as if he could not see Lucas at that moment. As if he couldn't bear to see his friend, and Lucas understood it too, he was hating himself so much at that moment. Why didn't he speak up earlier? Why didn't he tell Harve the truth so long ago? Why did he have to let his friend fall for that girl's lies? How could he let it go this far? How could he call himself his friend if he couldn't even take good care of him?

"Couldn't you think of another sentence that wasn't so cliché? I'm going to marry her whether you like it or not."

Lucas grimaces with his lip before he takes a few steps to his friend. "Harve, just think about it."

"There's nothing more to think about, it's done." He lets go a little of the air he was holding and then takes his things in one hand. "Lucas, I don't expect you to understand or support me, but I just want you to respect my decision. I really thought I could count on you for this."

And with that he walks to the door. Lucas bites his lower lip and lowers his gaze to his hands that have been hidden in his pants pockets all this time but that he had not noticed until now. And then he raises his face again to find his friend now opening the door to the room.

"I'm sorry, Harve, but I can't." Lucas apologizes at the end, but Harve just denies and turns his gaze to the hallway.

"Stop it, Lucas, it's a shame. I really wanted you with me that day."

And with that last one Harve closed the door of his room and left. Lucas let go of all the air and his back and shoulders went down. His whole body had been shaking or vibrating, he wasn't sure, but suddenly he felt as tired as if he had just run a full marathon. He dropped back onto the bed and this time closed his eyes trying to process everything that had just happened.

He didn't know if he should run after his friend now and tell him the truth, should he? No, not anymore, it's done. Harve himself told her, there's nothing more I can do. He ruined it. He could have been honest with his friend long ago, he could have talked to him not only about September but also about that silence and cold resentment that Harve tried to hide - sometimes with little success - for many years, but he fell silent. Devil, what was wrong with him? Why couldn't he talk to people about what was going on or what he was feeling? What's wrong with me? And now, most importantly, what was he going to do now? He was in fucking France with no one he knew, with little knowledge of the French language and now everything he had planned, everything that was supposed to happen in this eternal journey finally just went to shit. It went to shit because of him. Maybe September was right. He was only good at taking, destroying and running away, except this time he couldn't run away. He had run for a long time and it was time for him to face his destiny and do what he had to do. But first, he needed a strong coffee.

And in less than an hour he found himself in a cafeteria four blocks from his hotel. He had thought about accepting the free breakfast that was included in the hotel service, but apparently that only applied to people who had the strength to get up before nine in the morning and yes, Lucas was not one of those people. And that's when he realized that he had made not one mistake but two, thinking that it was a good idea to stay in a place that offered free food and that he was never going to try it, so he better takes his things, leave his friend's recently vacated room and walk around until he found what he thought was a place where he could find coffee.

Soon a girl who seemed to be no more than twenty-five years old stood where he was. One of the last tables in the place, near a large window.

"Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lucas asks him before the girl has a chance to speak.

She opens her eyes for a few seconds, but then she composes herself and nods her head. "Yes, yes, of course, a little, what do you want?"

"One American coffee, please."

Lucas urgently needed something that would lift him up and allow him to think more clearly now. At least here he could stay one more hour and go over everything that had happened with Harve and what he was supposed to do now that he was alone in Paris.

The girl was biting her lower lip as she wrote something down in her notebook and left a small card with a number on the table. "I'll get your order right away."

"Thank you." Lucas smiles at her before she turns around and goes to the other side of the place behind the counter where two other people are.

The boy pulled the letter he had taken before leaving his room that morning out of his back pocket. Today he and Harve were supposed to try to find the house or residence that marked the envelope and maybe find the recipient, but it now seemed to be a one-man job. Now Lucas was all alone in a foreign country without the slightest idea how to pronounce more than three grammatically correct words that could be understood over his awful American accent. Things should not be like that. Harve should be here supporting him. He was the one who pushed him to take this trip from the first second - so long ago now - and, he still remembers his words so clear that morning at his parents' house when Lucas mentioned it so vaguely, he said, "Come on, Lucas, don't you want to meet your grandfather?" And when Lucas told him that he didn't think it was a good idea, Harve just squeezed his shoulder and said, "You have to try.

And he wanted to try, but now he wasn't so sure he wanted to continue. What if this was really a sign?

"Coffee for you?" A voice at his side interrupts him in the middle of his thoughts which makes Lucas lower the leaf without letting go of his hand and when Lucas raises his face he finds one of the smallest, shyest but most beautiful smiles he has ever seen.

Not in a million years would Lucas have been able to describe the boy who was now in front of him. His hair was light brown, so light that under the sunlight he could be a blond of the color of honey, his eyes were also light green? Lucas was not sure, but they were bright and they were watching him very carefully, going down from his eyes to his lips, from his hands to his coffee. The boy looked a little nervous and insecure and Lucas was about to laugh at the absurdity of the idea that someone like him could put a boy like that, no, that was a figment of his imagination. And then he realized that the waiter had been watching Lucas' coffee for as long as Lucas had been watching him.

Okay, creepy, stop acting like a fool.

Lucas went through the rest of the boy's body, his neck, his shoulder and then down his arm where the sleeves were up to his elbows and left a long tattoo, were those musical notes? His eyes kept going down to the coffee that oh wow, that's why he was nervous.

Surely they had made a mistake or decided to serve him something that he had not ordered because in front of Lucas there was no American, no, there was an expresso. Lucas was not a fan of that coffee, but he didn't mind the choice of the house. "Eh," Lucas raises his head and meets the boy who is now half smiling at him, but he looked more like a grimace. "This is good."

"Wasn't that what you ordered?" The boy let go of his lower lip, letting his smile become a straight line.

Lucas swallows his saliva and tries to give the boy a reassuring smile that must have looked ridiculous because the boy relaxed a little. He says, "No, it's okay. Maybe I just need some caffeine." And to prove his point, Lucas lifts the coffee cup to his mouth and takes a sip. Wow, that was way too sweet for an espresso. Lucas grimaces again, causing the boy to laugh a little. He says, "Okay, thank you..." The boy stood for one more second before backing up, but Lucas, with his eyes on the letter he was still holding, came up with an idea. "Hey, do you speak French?"

The boy who had not come this far. He turns back to him and nods his head. "Yes, yes I speak French, why?"

Lucas sighs of relief and lowers his eyes to the boy's hands that now rest at the sides of his body. "And do you know here?"

The boy smiles and feels again as he comes closer to the table resting his hands on the table. "Well I've lived here for 26 years, I think I know it well, why the question?"

"I need your help." Lucas pushes his coffee cup around a bit, trying to give the boy more space. "I can't find this address and I've looked everywhere."

"Mh, let's see" The boy leans further forward and the next few seconds pass in slow motion. Lucas had moved the coffee cup more to the left a few inches from where the steering envelope was located and the boy had let his right hand rest under the plate of the cup so as he moved more towards Lucas, his hand rose causing the coffee cup to turn over on the table and wet the sheet of paper.

"Shit." Lucas curses and moves his whole body to the side letting the coffee fall a little bit on the couch where he is sitting.

The boy tries to apologize as he quickly grabs all the napkins he can find in the napkin holder and tries to clean up the mess he made, on the table and even on the envelope that is now covered with coffee.

"Just, ugh..." Lucas lets out a little grunt and grabs the boy's wrists, making him stop. If he continued like that the ink would run or worse, it would disappear or tear the sheet leaving Lucas no chance to read the address. "Stop, just read the address quickly."

The boy stops and gets up to meet the face of Lucas. His scowl is filled with confusion and concern drawn across his face. "Don't you have a copy?"

Shit.

All the anger began to be present in every corner of Lucas' body. He clenches his jaw and gets up from his seat while releasing the boy's wrists with much more force than he intended. God, how could he be such an idiot? He had lost everything he had for an imbecile who didn't know where to put his hands. And on top of that the idiot dares to ask him that as if it were something he should have done, as if it were his fault. Lucas also realized in the midst of his frustration what an idiot he had been for not doing that.

Lucas lets out a breath and tries to send the boy the most threatening look he can find right now. "No, you idiot."

The boy pronounces something in French that Lucas clearly fails to grasp, but only makes his anger grow. He wasn't going to let any Frenchman come in here, bring him a coffee he didn't ask for, throw it on his things and insult him in another language.

"What?" Lucas' scowl was getting deeper and deeper and his chest was going up and down with more force. "In English."

"I said it's your fault." The boy responds by crossing his arms over his chest.

Lucas grimaces again as the boy's face shrinks completely. All his confidence with which he had said those words was slowly falling away. He said, "No, of course not. The truth is that you suck at your job."

The boy's face was turning red and he was looking down at the floor before answering Lucas' accusations. "I-"

Lucas shook his head and interrupted the boy before he came up with some stupid excuse. "You what?" Lucas asks him and then has to bite his tongue for a few seconds before he can say whatever comes out of his mouth. "Don't look to make a career out of this. You clearly won't get so far."

The boy lifts his head to hear Lucas' words and all that confusion, worry, shyness and softness disappear giving way to anger and deep pain making Lucas' stomach turn for a few seconds.

"You know what, _you idiot_?" The boy imitates that last word and gets a little closer to him, leaving less than the table as space between the two. "I'm not going to tell you the address."

Lucas can feel his eyes open and before he can think about it, he's already grabbing the boy's wrist, preventing it from leaving when he turns around. "Really? Did you read it?" Lucas releases his wrist as if simple contact now feels out of place. "Shit, that's all I need."

The tall guy raises his hands and pronounces something in French again. Lucas runs his hand across his face and then through his hair pulling his locks a little bit at his fingertips. Could this be worse, just a little bit worse?

"Wait, you could speak English for a second and write down whatever you said." Lucas asks the boy, and the boy simply looks at him with a bored expression on his face as if he wants to get out of there more than anything else right now. Same thing. Lucas understands, he also wants to disappear from his sight as much as the boy does. "Where?" He gets an idea at that moment and turns back to the seat where he had left some of his things just before with the letter - which was saved and is now lying under the table and finds what he had left there. The little map that Harve bought a few months ago and that Lucas remembers very well making fun of him, but now he should tell his friend that he is a genius for giving him such a useful item. "Augh, shit, where is it?" Lucas extends the map on the side of the table that is not full of coffee and sees the boy again, he tries to put on his best begging face, but the boy just turns his eyes loose and approaches him, remaining facing him.

The boy leans over the map and looks at it carefully for a few seconds before pointing at a spot. "Here." He takes the map, the letter, and what's left of the envelope and goes to the door of the cafeteria, but before leaving, he manages to hear the voice of the boy who says, with a little less kindness and more sarcasm, "You're welcome.”

* * *

Another damn bad idea. Another mistake that can be added to the list of errors that has been accumulating since he started this journey. He could have easily gotten into a cab and asked the driver to take him to that spot that the guy in the cafeteria had pointed out. It would have been so simple and not so complicated, but for some stupid reason Lucas got carried away with the excitement of having some clue about his grandfather's destiny and decided to do things on his own. First he ran to an address without paying much attention to where he was going and when he reached the end of a street he stood right there thinking about where the hell he had to cross, then he thought about getting into a cab and asking someone to take him, but he knew nothing about French and he was not going to risk something going wrong - more wrong than he was already going - so Lucas had to get up his courage and ask for help from some people he thought knew where he should go.

Several people pointed their fingers, left or right, some smiled at him and others just denied with an expression of, "What the fuck are you saying to me, kid?" Some were people who knew how to pronounce English well and others that Lucas was forced to come closer and follow the words with his eyes because the pronunciation was difficult to understand. The good thing about this whole situation is that Lucas got to know new streets and some new words that he had never heard before and other prayers that he would surely forget in a couple of hours but that had saved his ass several times so far.

But he finally made it. He found himself in front of a huge four-story house with pale yellow walls and a dark green door and had a window next to it with some plants hanging from it. Lucas rang the bell and waited, after what he felt was about five minutes, but it could have been only about ten seconds, finally someone opened the door. The person who received him was an older woman with brown hair who had a gray mole on one side of her face.

The lady said something in French that, again, Lucas could not identify. He wet his lips before speaking. Blessed Christ, his heart was beating so hard that he could hear his own heartbeat in his ear and his hands suddenly felt very heavy, hot and wet. Lucas hid them in his trouser pockets.

"Excuse me, do you speak English or is there someone who does? I am looking for Mr. Lallemant." Lucas asks her, he comes a little closer to her so that the lady can see him better. Lucas could see her better and what he thought was an old woman was actually a woman who could not be more than forty years old.

"Lallemant?" The woman asks him cautiously as she inspects him from top to bottom and back up trying to search her memory for any familiarity.

"Yes, I have this house in a residence address." He pulls the envelope out of his back pocket along with the map, but now the sheet of paper is dark yellow and the map is not much help now. He bites his lower lip feeling a little helpless, what is he doing? What if this woman was something of his? Lucas turned his eyes to the woman who now looked more confused than before. "Is he around?"

"No, sorry, nobody lives here with that name." The woman says to him with a small smile as a sign of apology.

Lucas swallows hard the knot that was forming at the bottom of his throat and lowers his eyes to the floor. Is this so pathetic or is it just his imagination? "Don't you know where you are?" Lucas asks her quietly without being able to raise his eyes. This could not be happening to him now. Not when he had been waiting so long, over seven years, to endure this trip with September for two weeks and now he was being told that his grandfather was not there.

"No, boy, my family has lived here for over six decades in this house and no one by that name has ever come here." The woman's voice sounded full of sorrow. Lucas' stomach shrank more at the thought that he was making someone feel sorry for him again. "What is your address?"

The woman asks him at the same time that Lucas can see her feet moving away from the door and approaching him, but he is faster. He raises his face and smiles halfway as he takes a step back trying to hide his disappointment.

"Okay, thanks for your help." Lucas assures her before turning around and going across the street, as far away from that house as possible.

Lucas walked as fast as his little body would allow him, as if the faster he walked the faster the feeling he felt all over his body and all that shame, disappointment, sadness, anger that was becoming a huge ball in his chest would magically disappear and the air would make them fly away and further away from him. He could feel the pain and the tears building up under his eyes. How could he be an idiot? How did he think this was all a good idea? He knew that it would all end badly before it even began and yet he let himself be fooled. Yet, deep within him he still stored a ray of hope, believing that he would finally get answers. He could finally meet someone from his family, but instead he ended up in this country thousands of miles away from his home with no one by his side and the only clue that still kept him sane had been completely destroyed by a pretty-eyed boy who didn't know how to do his job.

And when Lucas let go of the air and saw the road he realized that his feet had led him to the hotel where he was staying. Hell, he should get angry more often and so make sure he never gets lost in Paris. He was about to go in and get some rest, maybe take something for his headache and take another long shower, but instead of doing all that Lucas found himself walking the streets leading to the cafe, pushing the door of the establishment and finally standing in front of the counter.

It was another girl who received it. A younger girl than the one who attended him and with black hair and a small piercing in her nose. And Lucas went ahead before the girl spoke. He needed to vent everything he was feeling at the time and yes, Lucas was so impulsive, but he hated what he was when he was angry so he was always looking for ways to stay out of it and control himself, but this time he wasn't going to stop. If he had to dig up the very ground to hell and drag the boy there, then that's what he would do.

"I'm looking for the guy who works here." Lucas asks her in English.

The girl at first opens her eyes and then arranges her posture to finally lean her face a little to her right. "Who?"

Lucas looks around trying to locate the boy with his eyes, he sighs and wets his lips before continuing. "He is a tall boy with light brown hair and light eyes."

"Sorry, I don't understand." The girl has an expression that is increasingly difficult to decipher as if she is having a hard time understanding not only what Lucas wants, but also what he is telling her.

Lucas moves on his feet and tries to breathe more easily. There's no point in getting angry with a girl who has nothing to do with it. And at that moment he came up with a way to make himself understood.

"He's the one who recently threw the coffee on that table." He tells her at the same time that he points to the table where a half hour or more ago he was sitting.

The girl's face lit up and then she smiled, "Oh, him."

Lucas lowers his shoulders and nods trying to smile the same way the girl does. His face is now more relaxed and happy as if he were relieved to understand what the client wanted.

Lucas nods faster, moving closer to the top of the counter. "Yes, that's the one."

The girl laughs a little and shakes her head. "Yes, he doesn't work here."

Lucas' smile falls completely and is replaced by a deep frown. He backs away a little as if to better understand the words. "No?"

"No, there was a big misunderstanding here." The girl concludes with a little grimace that quickly turns into a smile again as if the whole thing were a lot of fun.

Lucas lowers his eyes to his hands and then releases the air turning his eyes to the girl. Shit.

"And you don't know where I can find him?" Lucas asks her with a little doubt in his voice.

He hadn't realized how desperate he had been to see that boy again until she came and popped his balloon of expectation - for the third time in one day. Congratulations, Lucas, you just broke the record for doing the most stupid things in one day. First Harve, now the envelope with running ink and blue paper and now he couldn't let the storm of feelings fall on the culprit of his second mistake. Perfect.

"No, I'm sorry." The girl apologizes, to which Lucas just nods his head. He should be getting used to this by now. "Hey," the girl interrupts him before he continues to walk to the door. "He left about thirty minutes ago and went that way."

The dark-haired girl points to the left of the street. Lucas follows the path with his eyes before thanking her and giving the girl a smile and leaving the cafeteria.

Shit, shit, shit, every day you surpass yourself, Lucas Lallemant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was the first chapter, I hope you liked the beginning. As always, thanks for taking the time to read it and I'll be very grateful if you leave me any comments to let me know what you think. Thanks for everything, I hope you have a nice day and take care!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention it before but at the beginning of each chapter I will be putting a little warning for the issues that can become triggers. The warning for this is the slight mention of eating disorders, alcohol and drugs.

The next four days were a complete blot on Lucas’ memory. He would get up in the middle of the day and then go out - with the strength of God knowing where it came from - and then try to eat something because he did eat those two days, didn't he? Then after that Lucas didn't remember much. Was it the same club where he went the first night, or was it different? Had he already heard that music, or had he imagined it completely? It was a drink, a shot of tequila, stealing some guy's drinks, making a face for the alcohol and then, when he least expected it, he was in the bathroom paying with some American bills - the few he had left in cash - in exchange for some pill, a candy or whatever they could offer him that night.

Lucas had started drinking alcohol as long as he could remember. It all started with a bottle of wine that he and Harve once stole from Harve's dad's warehouse. Lucas convinced his friend to do it, he was as scared as Harve, but in the end, and that's what Lucas assumes, his determination encouraged Harve to do it and when the younger boy appeared with the bottle of alcohol behind his back and his face had a funny combination of disbelief and fear, they both ran upstairs and locked themselves in Lucas' room because they knew no one would come in. No one entered Lucas' room except Harve. And it was that first night that Lucas experienced that dizziness, that tingling in his lips and in his hands, it was the first night too that they both fell down on the carpet passed out and Harve told him he was happy that he was his brother. It was also the first and last time that Harve cried uncontrollably on Lucas' shoulder and Lucas could only hug him. He too wanted to cry because like Harve, he had won one family, but lost another as well.

The next morning was less pleasant than the night before, well, pleasant when both were laughing uncontrollably and passing the bottle around mouth by mouth trying to see who could stand to drink more without stopping. Someone must have told them that alcohol was not drunk like pure water, Lucas would have appreciated that advice in the morning when both boys were flushing. Lucas with his hands on either side of the cold material. Luckily, Harve's mother never found the bottle, and she concluded herself that both boys had contracted some kind of disease. That was a gain, too, because neither boy went to school for almost three days.

And nothing, it seems, has changed. At the age of twenty-four Lucas was locked in the bathroom doing the same thing he did that first time at the age of ten. Only this time, instead of someone patting him on the back and offering him a cold glass of water, this time he was alone in the bathroom of a hotel room thousands of miles from his home, and his mother was not there to say sweet words to him like, "Go to bed, I'll bring your food to bed," or his best friend to say, "I told you not to drink from that bucket of beer". There was no one by his side and Lucas for a moment wanted to cry as badly as he wanted to cry that night, but this time because he had lost his only hope of connecting with his past and also, he was sure, had lost his best friend to a stupid fight involving a woman. God, a woman. He could at least try to make that sound less heterosexual.

Lucas gets up as he could from the floor and opens the bathtub shower to later enter, letting the water hit his bruised and aching body hard for those four days he spent with lack of sleep, much more time on a dance floor and in bed with some guy he managed to connect with. Everything hurt. His tense shoulders were lifted up and his back was stiff, shaking in his lower muscles as well as in his legs. Lucas ended up sitting in the bathtub letting the water wash away anything that might have happened during those hours of his life. He just wants to forget. To forget how lonely and lost he feels at that moment.

His chest starts to rise and fall very quickly and his stomach shrinks as he identify that familiar feeling he already know by heart. No, no, you can't have a panic attack in the middle of a bathtub, Lucas, get a grip. The boy clenches his fists tightly trying to control the tremors of his hands, his body and his jaw. He closes his eyes and tries to remember those breathing exercises that he had practiced so many times with his mother. How was it? He inhales, holds the air and exhales; again, Lucas, inhales, holds the air and exhales. All right, you can do it again, you can, baby. Lucas missed his mother. Not his mother who carried him inside her for nine months and cared for him for seven years, not her, she was his mother, but she was not _his mother_.

His mother had two light honey-colored eyes just like Harve and her eyes were also sweet, just soft and loving. His mother had long thin arms that could wrap around him very easily and she was tall, a little taller than Harve's father and her hair was curly. She was a mess of bright brown-red curls wrapped around her face. He always compared his mother's hair to the waves of a dark river. Lucas loved to watch her, as she always managed to look so well made up and groomed, but at the same time it was as if she didn't have to strain. It was so natural. Harve was always angry when he was little because all his friends only wanted to go to his house to see his mother. And it wasn't until one night that his best friend jokingly told him, "That's why I knew you were gay, you never looked at mom the way all those brats did". And Lucas had told him to go fuck himself, but he knew that deep down it was true, Lucas had always admired Harve's mother and that's why he had no trouble accepting his fate.

He was scared the first time he went to that house as more than "my son's friend" but he was also somewhat relieved, relieved not only to leave that life behind but also because he believed that this is the way things should always be. She must have been his mother and eventually fate did its work and corrected the mistake.

When Lucas finally manages to get rid of that feeling of dirt, sweat, fluids and heat on his skin, when he can finally clean his mouth and quench that thirst he feels inside. He leaves the room and is a little surprised to find someone lying face down on his bed. Christ, he doesn't remember what the boy's name is, but does it really matter? He walks up to the boy without really worrying about making any noise and then pushes his shoulder several times until he wakes up, or rather opens one eye, and sees Lucas from the top down.

"I didn't know you were such an early bird." The boy says, his voice sounds so hoarse, was it like that last night or is it because of the dream? Lucas is really making a little effort to remember something about him, but finally he gives up and takes some of the stuff off the floor and next to the boy who is now sitting up trying to wake up.

"Yeah, too bad I don't get up before 1:00 in the afternoon." Lucas does the same thing as the boy and begins to get dressed trying to find some clean clothes in his suitcase. Should he go and find a laundry and clean his clothes or are there people at the hotel who take care of that? He makes a little mental note to ask the manager if it is part of the service or if it has an extra cost.

Lucas also realizes that he should go to a bank or contact them because he was almost certain that the money he had was not going to last forever and at some point it would have to run out.

"Shit, you don't have anything for a headache, do you?" The boy asks with a small grimace drawn on his face. Lucas nods his head and opens some drawers in the bathroom until he finds a pill that he imagines was meant to calm hangover headaches and if they weren't, then the guy was going to find out for himself.

Lucas also fills a glass with tap water and hands it to him, he answers him with a little smile. Did he really sleep with him? Why couldn't he remember anything? What was he doing these days? Lucas could feel the panic starting to set in again, all the regret and sadness. He didn't even know what he was still doing there in Paris, why didn't he leave? Ah yes, because he is an idiot who only thought: _Fuck it, at least let's do something in Paris that is unforgettable and then forget this country._ But he literally did something that he did forget and that he probably would never remember and that included sleeping with guys that he didn't even know his name. He had never been one to feel ashamed of his sex life or his desires, but for the first time Lucas was feeling sick and somewhat disgusted with himself.

The boy in front of him must have noticed his thoughts because the half smile became a reassuring smile. He comes a little closer to him, but Lucas instinctively takes a step back and he raises his hands in a sign of peace.

"Hey, nothing happened last night." The boy assures him. Lucas raises his face that he had gotten off by nailing himself to the ground.

"No?" Lucas asks him cautiously. He turns his face a little and follows carefully his hands and his eyes, which are a light green color, and his dark hair which is a little messy on one side of his head.

The boy moves his head slowly and lowers his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket and takes the card out of Lucas' room.

Lucas takes it from his hands and bites his lower lip when he sees that it is indeed the card from his room. He raises an eyebrow in question and the guy just smiles more easily.

"You asked me to bring you back if you were too wasted and I did. Nothing happened. I was very faint when we came in a few hours ago." Lucas can feel his shoulders relaxing completely and he bites his lower lip lowering his eyes back to the floor.

Shit, at least his drunk and drugged-up self was smarter than his leftover self. How brilliant, Lucas Lallemant.

Finally, he lifts his face and lets out a little sigh that he didn't realize he had been holding in his chest. "Thank you, for bringing me and" Lucas raises his hand with the card from his room. "keeping this."

The boy just slowly nods again with that little smile on his side. He was very cute, but even Lucas wasn't sure he was going to sleep with him. He wasn't much of his type and maybe that's why Lucas had chosen him drunk because he knew nothing else would happen if they both went to the hotel. Again, maybe he should get drunk more often, as he seems to make better decisions when he is wasted. But that idea disappears completely from his head as he becomes more aware of the shooting pain in his temples and the pain in his stomach from the emptiness and poor care he is taking. He can't remember the last time he had a decent breakfast. That's why the first thing he does after saying goodbye to the guy who showed up, again, like: Julián, he said goodbye to him at the hotel entrance and the two took completely opposite paths. Lucas forgot to ask for his number and Julián forgot to give it to him, but that didn't matter anyway because, yes, that was the last time Lucas saw Julián.

He was not used to anything more than a night even when nothing had happened. Lucas had never slept with a boy and then slept with him in the same bed. Yes, he had slept in the same bed with other boys like Harve, but it wasn't the same. With none of those guys it had been a romantic thing and everyone knew it was going to be a one-time thing. He knew very well how to choose those boys and he was very good at making that clear as well. He learned from some small mistakes as a teenager.

After having that little breakfast/lunch that consisted of a hamburger and fries. Lucas went back to the hotel to try to get some sleep and regain some hours of sleep that he must have lost during those days, but just as he was starting to let go completely a loud bump on his head woke him up and reminded him what he could have been doing these days and one of those things was to call Harve. He remembers calling him between his sleep hours, when insomnia would wake him up and attack him for a few minutes before giving up and letting him close his eyes for two or three hours before tormenting him again. Lucas didn't remember very well what he had told Harve, but he didn't feel it was a good thing at all. Sometimes he let his emotions get the better of him and didn't think very clearly. But now Lucas was feeling much better, clearer, more lucid, more sober, cleaner and after today - tomorrow more secure - he would be going home. He would take the first flight and give up this stupid dream and return to his previous life because that was his life, not the one he is trying to find in Paris.

After several long breaths and a few minutes of him reflecting on what he would say, he finally takes the phone from the room and dials Harve's number. It rings once, twice, three, four times until Harve's voice greets him with, "Hello, you're dialing Harve's number. If I don't answer it, it's because I'm busy or I don't want to talk to you, so leave a message and I'll answer it or not". And then the loud noise that marked the beginning of the voice mail.

"Harve, please this is already getting a little ridiculous. This is the fifteenth message I've left you." Lucas lies to him, he doesn't even remember how many times he dialed his number. It could have been that many, more or less, even once, but Lucas didn't care and he knew Harve wouldn't care either. He knew how dramatic I could be if I could. "I just want to apologize, okay?" This time Lucas wasn't lying. He was sorry. He had never fought so hard with his friend before. Even when they were kids and if they did it was over a stupid argument over the remote control, some toy or the last cookie that was left. They always resolved their differences.

"I acted like an idiot and I shouldn't have said those things and you're right, I shouldn't get involved in your decisions and if you're happy with her then" Lucas, bring his hand tightly and run his hand through his hair that was beginning to fall over his eyes. This was becoming very difficult to do. This time he was going to lie to Harve, but it was some kind of lie that he hated. It was one of the lies he had been telling his friend, or rather, not telling him. They were hidden truths that weighed more and more each day and only made his self-loathing grow more and more into a huge knot in his chest that made it hard for him to breathe and smile sometimes when he was with Harve. Lucas closes his eyes and just lets out the words without trying to think about them so much. "I'm happy too, just please answer my calls, please... I..."

I feel lonely. I need you. I miss you. I don't know what I'm doing here, _please_ help me.

"I want to know how you're doing over there in London, you must be freezing your ass off and you deserve it for leaving me alone here." Lucas lets a little smile appear on his lips as he imagines Harve laughing a little too. Please forgive me for everything. I didn't mean to destroy your life. I never wanted to take away what was yours. I just want you to be happy. You are all I have left. "Call me when you can."

Lucas releases the air when his thumb presses the hang up button and is dropped on the bed. There was this pressure on him again, and also fear. That fear that had haunted him for so many years. The fear of losing someone he loved. Lucas knew that fear very well. He had practically grown up surrounded by that fear, but this time it was so strong, so overwhelming, so blinding that it felt like little punctures in his lungs. Tomorrow he was leaving. He had to get out of this country as soon as possible. He had to put an end to this thing that he should never have done in the first place.

He takes the letter that was hidden in the corner of the night table, behind the clock and under a box of mints that Lucas must have bought a few days ago, but he doesn't remember when. The envelope had been left in one of his pants, all wrinkled and stuck together, probably with coffee grounds, but now all it had left was the letter. The letter that was so wrinkled too, stained from the corners and broken in some places. The ink was running through the years and also through the number of times Lucas cried seeing those words written on that once-white paper that was now yellow and had a musty smell.

Lucas already knew the words by heart that he could run his finger over the letters with his eyes closed and read aloud what he said. He didn't know any French, but he knew those words. Those words that his grandfather wrote over twenty years ago.

> _For my beloved Celine and my dear Lucas:_
> 
> _It is very hard for me to write this and there are no words to describe the pain I am feeling right now as I think about all that I am about to tell you, but I think it is time that we both accept it, mainly me, I who for so many years was wrong. I am disappointed in my son, but even more so, I am disappointed in myself for not being the father he needed for so long and now I realize my mistakes, now when it is so late. When the damage is done. Already when my actions left a wound on my son, a huge wound that neither my wife nor I saw, a wound that he hid and that to this day is still present. I also feel ashamed of myself because all my actions in the end had greater consequences. Not only did I succeed in hurting my son, but also you, Celine, and especially little Lucas._
> 
> _I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted Maxime to go with you. I thought we were happy. That maybe I could make things right for once and that he would allow me to be with Lucas and you, but again, I was so blinded by my own thoughts that I didn't realize that Maxime's pain was much greater than I had imagined. It hurt when he gave me the news that you were going so far away. America. That is such a great distance, Celine, that sometimes I think my son didn't leave because of him or you or even because of Lucas, as he said, he left because of me. Deep down I know he did it as a way of revenge, but I can't reproach him for that, my dear, I know I deserve it, but you don't. Leave your home, your friends, your memories, your family, leave everything and go. I knew it in your eyes that night, there was no glow there, there was nothing that could give me peace just so many doubts and worries that took my sleep away for so many nights._
> 
> _And I am worried, Celine, even after a year I am still distressed by this. Mostly I stopped receiving your calls. You stopped calling and writing to me. Your last letter was more than six months ago. Lucas is so big. He has grown so much since I last saw him, please send more pictures, you know Agnés likes those little pictures of Lucas in his school uniform, but most of all, please contact me. I just want to know if you are ok, if Lucas is ok. And if you need my help, you know you can always call or write me, and I know it is exhausting to read this, but please consider my invitation. You can come visit me whenever you want. You can come and stay as long as you want. If you need anything just tell me what I will always have room in my house for you._
> 
> _With much love and appreciation, Hugo M._ _Lallemant._

Lucas found that letter along with other photographs that were as crumpled and folded from the corners as the letter. The photos were old, black and white, and in each photo was his grandfather somewhere in Paris. Different tourist places that he didn't know and that Lucas thought he would know someday or well, that's what he imagined for these two weeks that he was traveling with Harve, but nothing turned out as he had planned. Nothing, he didn't know any of those places and he would never know his grandfather either. The man who loved him and his mother so much and who had offered them a home when there was still time. When they could still return to Paris and be a family, but maybe it was time to let go. It was too late. So many years had passed and perhaps it was time to turn the page. He had taken that trip not only to meet his father's father but also because this was his last trip before graduating. All this time he was supposed to be working on his thesis, which he was also supposed to submit in about six months.

But after his trip to Spain, actually about two days before taking that train that would take the three of them to Paris, Lucas just stopped writing his work. The insomnia became more serious as time went by and the desire to finish his work diminished. His nerves were getting the better of him and his document still rested on his computer halfway through his work. Lucas wanted to graduate, he wanted to start working formally in some science lab and begin his specialty, but that sounded so far away. It sounded like another Lucas. He wasn't the same Lucas who was lying in that bed with a deathly headache, sore skin, aching muscles and a pain in his lower thigh where he was 100 percent sure he would have a God knows how bruise.

Honestly, who else would think of going to Europe like that? Only him.

Lucas lies down on the bed and closes his eyes. He wants to remember that feeling he had about eight months ago when he told Harve about his plan. How insecure, but also excited he was on the inside and how his best friend simply encouraged and supported him in his idea. He wanted to be able to go back in time and never have said anything or maybe go back much further and never have opened those boxes and never have found that letter from his grandfather. Maybe now he wouldn't feel so alone and lost. Maybe somewhere else, in another universe, there is a Lucas who is in New York finishing his thesis and planning what his next step will be, or maybe there is another Lucas who never left Paris and who grew up with his mother and grandfather. A universe where his father would never have left them, one where he would never have been separated from his mother, a universe where it is not so difficult to move on.

* * *

**Eight months ago**

Harve was giving him what seemed to be the fifth beating of the afternoon since Lucas returned to the dormitory and Harve finished reading that thick book that had been tormenting him all semester: "History of the State". What Harve had sworn to was the greatest stupidity ever written, so much text, so many fancy words, it was as if the writer - who curiously was the same professor who taught the Theory of the State class - had been trying to write poetry instead of an in-depth analysis of society's most important organ. Lucas had made fun of him, but deep down he felt very sorry, he didn't understand how anyone could dare to pursue a career that required so much reading when Harve was the person in the whole world who hated reading. Still, there he was, in his senior year, ready to graduate and become The Lawyer.

Lucas had thought so much about his plan. He had analyzed it for a while, for seven years to be more specific, and it wasn't until a few months ago that he really thought about doing it. Deep down he was afraid and had tried to silence those words that repeated to him that everything would go wrong or that it was useless to take so many risks but now, after his friend got up from the couch and asked him if he wanted a beer. Lucas had the strongest attack of courage he had ever felt.

He lowers his gaze to his hands and then drops his head on the back of the sofa. "Okay, I'll do it."

"Do what?" Harve's voice comes out of the kitchen along with the sound of the bottle opener and the clean _pop_ of the bottle when the cap falls onto the island.

"I'm going to Paris." Lucas waits for some answer, but there is only silence for a few seconds. Maybe Harve didn't understand him right, so Lucas tries again. "I'm going to go find my grandfather."

From the living room of his small, really small apartment, Lucas can hear Harve's laugh. "All right, Lucas, it only took you a decade." The boy responds with a bit of sarcasm and irony in his voice.

He just rolls his eyes in response just as Harve returns to the room and drops Lucas' beer bottle on the table.

"Seven years." He clarifies, but he didn't need to, his friend already knew. He was the first and only one to know about the existence of Lucas' grandfather besides the boy himself. He was also the only one who had told him so many years ago, when Lucas mentioned that maybe one day he would go to Paris, that he had to meet his grandfather and that he had to try. That, at that moment, made Lucas feel less alone.

Harve shrugs his shoulders. "A few more years, a few less, it doesn't matter, it's the same." He takes a sip of his own beer. "So, when are you leaving?"

"In the next semester's vacation." Lucas had thought it. That was the only really official plan he had. He wanted to take that trip as soon as possible, meet his family, clear up a little bit of his doubts, learn a little more about his father and grandfather, and then return home, and leave all that behind. It was like ripping off a band-aid. Something he had been avoiding for many years, but it was time he did it. It was time for him to go and face his fears so he could move on. It was wonderful. Starting his new life with a blank slate without any weight from the past. No guilt, no doubts, no half-hearted questions, nothing else that could present itself as an obstacle and cloud the path of possibilities that would stretch out in front of him.

"I think it's perfect." Your friend has a soft, reassuring smile on his face. The same kind of smile his mother had every time she was proud, as if she were saying: You did it, I knew you would. "It's about time you did."

Lucas can't help but smile too. A little calmer and relaxed knowing that he has the support of his best friend and that in reality, the idea is not as crazy and desperate as he imagined. "Yes, and I wanted to ask you to join me, but it's okay if you don't want to."

Harve's eyes opened for a few seconds as did his mouth, but he quickly turned that whole expression into a full smile. "Sure thing, Lucas," he walks up to his friend and grabs Lucas’ chin with his fingers. "I want to see where this face comes from."

Lucas pushes him away by keeping his hands from his face. "Enough, God, keep it up and withdraw the invitation."

He points to it as a threat, but that only makes Harve laugh louder. After a long silence in which Lucas takes a drink from his cold beer bottle, Harve turns his face toward him so quickly that Lucas feared for a few seconds that he might have hurt his neck.

"But we can't go there alone, isn't Italy close to France?" Harve's smile was replaced by a half-frown of concentration. "We can visit Spain, Portugal, Italy and finally go to Paris to find your family."

Lucas' mouth leans a little to the right in a small grimace. The truth is that taking a tour of Europe was not something that attracted much attention to him. He just wanted to get out of this whole family thing and move on, and he was tempted to say no to his friend, but when he saw that huge smile and those brightly lit eyes he suddenly remembered why he sometimes found it hard to say no to Harve. He hated to disappoint. So instead he just decided to take the easy way out, to accept whatever he proposed.

Harve pounced on him, causing Lucas to let out a small groan of pain. His friend was a sack of muscle and fat, just the opposite, Lucas and his strong arms holding him right now were suffocating him so then, with a little effort, Lucas managed to escape from his friend and that's when he realized there was something in that whole improvised plan that he hadn't figured out yet.

"Don't you think it's a problem?" Lucas finally asks his friend. He knew what Lucas meant. Money. As much as money was not really an issue, he still felt guilty at times about depending on his parents financially.

Harve snorts and denies as if that concern was completely absurd. The truth is that Lucas was not surprised by this answer.

"Nonsense, since when do you care so much about money?" Since always, but just because I don't tell you doesn't mean I don't, Lucas thinks, but doesn't say. Instead he just keeps biting hard on his lower lip. "Let's go, we have never left this continent."

His friend pushes his shoulder with his hand and Lucas releases his lower lip to smile again. Harve's energy was encouraging him and that was just what he needed at that moment. He says, "Okay."

After one more game, a few shouts of victory from Harve and about two cold beers. Lucas got up from the couch and went to his room. He was opening his closet ready to look for some clothes he was going to wear that night to go out when from the living room he heard Harve's voice calling him. Lucas finished putting on a shirt that was much more revealing than he was used to, and which had been hidden in the back of his closet for a long time, and he returned to the living room where he found his friend now lying on the couch facing the ceiling.

"Just one thing." His friend tells him when his presence at the door of the room became evident. Lucas raises his left eyebrow a little higher, waiting for whatever he is going to say. "What?"

Harve turns his face to meet Lucas’ blue eyes. "You must talk to dad and mom."

Lucas makes a small protest and lifts his face up to the roof of the apartment in a sign of supplication as if he could see God there and ask Him not to make that difficult test for him, "Why me?" He asks after returning his face to the original position examining Harve's eyes with reproach.

"They never say no to you." Harve declares with half-closed eyes looking hard at the older boy. "The minute mom answers the phone, she's asking what I want or what I did, so it's your turn to talk to them."

He had a valid point there. It was true that his parents were gentler with money with Lucas instead of Harve and it was not necessarily because they trusted him because please, he was not the best person to organize money but because they were less strict and tough with Lucas than with their own son. That was another thing that Lucas noticed at an early age - it was what he hated most and what Harve learned to take advantage of - was the favoritism they had over Lucas. When Harve wanted something he simply asked Lucas to ask for it and that's how he got things done. Maybe he should have been upset that his best friend would use him in a certain way, but no, on the contrary, he liked it. At first because he felt that way Harve depended on him, but then as time went on he realized that

Harve was never going to leave him - that's what he thought, now it's different - and it became a feeling of guilt, those favors were a way to reward that guilt he felt every time they said _no to_ Harve and _yes to_ Lucas. Every time he had to see his friend's sad face. Giving Harve what he wanted was his way of asking for forgiveness and making peace with him and himself.

Just as Lucas was about to leave the room, he returns.

"Are you going out? We should go out." Lucas can see from his place as his friend makes a small grimace of disgust and tiredness as if the simple idea of doing more than playing video games all night is too much work.

"Ugh, Harve, one night without September isn't going to kill you. It's been a while since we've been out alone." Lucas complains after imitating his friend's expression with exaggeration.

"Fine, but let me change my shirt." Harve raises his hands in surrender and before Lucas turns his body to go back to his room, his friend's frown stops him. "You change yours too, I'm not going out with you like this."

Lucas takes the bottom of his shirt and examines it for a few seconds before meeting Harve again who was now picking up the bottles that were resting on the table. "Why?"

"It's very gay." His friend points out with a serious look that Lucas knew that deep down he was taking all the strength in the world not to break it down in a laugh.

"Oh, fuck you." And with that, Harve's face lets out a huge smile followed by a serious laugh that comes from the back of his throat. Lucas can't do anything but smile half as well while trying, unsuccessfully, to look annoyed and offended.

* * *

**Now**

Lucas tried to sleep. He really made all the effort in the world to be able to close his eyes and rest, turn off his mind and wait for the night to pass its hours until the next morning so he could take all his things and go straight to the airport, get on a plane and leave all this behind. To return to his life that he should never have left in the first place, but he couldn't. There was no way his brain would stop spinning around the whole situation. There was no way he could disconnect from the present and let himself go down the long road of sleep. He was spinning and spinning around the bed. Walking from the bed to the bathroom, from the bathroom to the bed. He went through all the TV channels, but nothing caught his attention other than that he didn't understand anything so he quickly stopped trying to keep up or guess what people were saying. He even turned on his laptop to start writing something, but his mind was off, there was no way he could write more than two lines in a row until he closed the device feeling more frustrated and lost than before, more desperate and more alone than a few hours ago.

Then Lucas sent everything to hell. He got out of bed, took a bath, put on one of the last clean pieces of clothing left in his suitcase and left that cold, boring hotel room to go to the only place he knew, almost by memory. The club he had been frequenting for the last four? Five days? He doesn't remember that part, but he does remember the road, the streets he must cross, the traffic lights he must wait for, and he also recognizes the guard who has been watching him night after night entering that big, dark place full of everything that, fortunately, will help Lucas disappear for a few hours from his own body and mind. And Lucas didn't waste much time, soon he finds himself sitting near the bar with his third beer in his hand and the other one coming down the chest of a guy that Lucas is pretty sure is called Ian, if it wasn't because he had heard it wrong, but this time he did make an effort to form some kind of conversation with him before being dragged to the dance floor. Lucas has his back against the chest of the boy who is paying close attention to his neck and the zipper of his pants.

_**There's something about you it's not that I doubt you. Angels circle around you 'cause you shouldn't be on your own.** _

****

He has his eyes closed and his head tilted to one side resting on the boy's shoulder. He is enclosed in the body of many people around him who swayed them like waves in the sea. The music is quite calm compared to the others and when Lucas opens his eyes with the intention of telling Ian that they can take things elsewhere, suddenly something catches his attention. At the top of the club he manages to recognize a figure he had seen before.

_**You can use all of me. Take a hit, baby, breathe. I can do all you need. Take a hit, baby, breathe and use me.** _

****

Tall, slightly sloping shoulders almost bent over, disheveled hair, hands with long fingers now holding what appeared to be a glass of some liquid that Lucas cannot distinguish with all the lights and darkness of the place. Lucas moves his head again trying to clear his mind, but when he looks back in that direction the boy is still there. He turns to him with a smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he laughs, lifting his face up and down again to meet the girl he is talking to.

_**Yeah, you're always on the move. Stay put, babe, I'm coming for you. Headed up to the north with the crew. You need me like I need you.** _

****

A small fire, which was not the result of Ian's heated touches, settled on his chest and went down to his belly. It couldn't be true what he is seeing, maybe it was something he is imagining, but this could only be a sign. Fate was definitely rewarding him and was telling him, "Go do what you wanted to do so badly a few days ago". And Lucas was not going to say no, he was not going to refuse that offer. He didn't realize he'd been walking around without stopping to look at the boy until Ian grabbed his wrist and made him spin, leaving his chest attached to his.

"I have to do something." Lucas tells him, but Ian only frowned in confusion, giving Lucas time to release his hand from his grip and separate from him. "Give me five minutes." And he raises his palm, marking the five so that he understands him above the music.

The next time Lucas looks at him, the boy is alone. The glass he had been holding disappeared from his hand and he now had his elbows resting on the railing of the second level while his eyes were lost following the bodies of the people who were dancing.

"But we have the guy who doesn't know how to be a waiter." Lucas lets the words out when he is already by his side, close enough for the boy to hear. He hadn't even thought about what he was going to say. He didn't really have a plan. Did he want to know why he did it? Did he want to fight him and tell him to go fuck himself? The second thing was something he had been fantasizing about for days or even a few seconds ago, but now that he was there, just a few inches away, the anger and the pain was calming down a bit.

The boy follows the sound of his voice, and when his eyes meet his eyes, his mouth opens and closes, and later Lucas can see how he swallows saliva before recomposing his posture and raising his shoulders upward by turning his face again. "I am not a waiter."

"Does it matter?" Lucas examines the boy's profile. His nose is curved, his cheekbones are thin, his forehead is furrowed, his jaw is sharp, and so is his chin. Damn, this would be easier if he didn't look like a fucking model. Lucas tries to relax his jaw a little bit as it is beginning to tighten and so are the boy's shoulders. "You owe me a coffee and an apology too."

The boy turns his face again and finds himself with, what Lucas hopes, is his murderous look, but he doesn't seem to be affected. On the contrary, he just tilts the corner of his lip to one side in a slight grimace. "And the apology because it would be?"

Lucas' chest begins to rise and fall with strength and he knows that his strong beats are not because of the loud music but because of that feeling that he was avoiding until now but that the relaxed face of the boy only managed to awaken that threat within him.

"Let me think about it." Lucas begins to enumerate. "First for destroying an appreciable object and rendering it useless, and second for sending me to a place up to the edge of the city."

"Sorry, wasn't that the right place?" The boy pretends to be worried as he holds his hands to his chest, but Lucas can detect a small repressed smile in the corner of his lips.

Well, that had been enough. Lucas gets closer to the boy which forces him to lift his chin more to see his face. Hell, he was at least one head different. He didn't realize that the first time he had seen him, had the boy grown in those days or had Lucas just shrunk? Lucas didn't quite know why this information was important, but he was going to save it for later.

"Cut the crap, why did you do it?" Lucas cannot help but lower his eyes to the boy's lips and then raise them again, encountering those two irises that were hiding a color he could not yet define.

The boy does the same by taking a little longer to look at his lips, but looking up again as he shrugs his shoulders. "Why not? You behaved like a complete idiot. It's the least you deserved."

The asshole. Lucas could feel his face heating up and it wasn't because of the heat of the club or the deadly looks they were both getting at that moment, no, it was because of all the anger Lucas was holding in all this time. How angry he was with Harve for leaving him alone in an unknown country when he promised to be by his side, he was also angry with himself for believing that something good would come out of all this and the anger that was bubbling up inside him for that boy, the one who destroyed the last ray of hope he had and then offered it to him to end up being all part of a revenge. Lucas felt so humiliated.

"You spilled coffee on my letter." Lucas clenches his jaw tighter because his fingers digging into the flesh of his arms were no longer enough.

"I didn't mean to." The boy takes a step back and raises his palms up as high as his shoulders.

Lucas turns his eyes and turns his face to his left. It was getting a little difficult to continue this conversation when he felt so much like screaming and crying, but he wasn't going to do it, not now, not with him, he wasn't going to let his emotions get out of control. He's not like that. "I never heard an apology."

"You didn't even let me talk." The boy leans back on the railing, but leaves his body facing him.

"Well, now thanks to you I'm with nothing." Lucas does the same, dropping his arms on the railing and turning his face to meet the fallen face of the boy.

All that half-relaxed facade he had been maintaining simply fell away. His face is a little uncertain and his eyes look sad and worried. Does it really matter now? Lucas had not lied. It didn't really matter what address was written on that paper anymore.

"Was it important?" The boy asks him with his eyes lowered, looking at him through his eyelashes.

He lets go of the air he had been holding until now and drops his body a little forward. "I don't know, now I'll never know. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"No." The boy says in a determined tone.

Lucas cannot help but frown in confusion. "Not what?"

"You can't do that. You can't give up." The boy comes a little closer to him, but Lucas just shakes his head and drops his face back to where the dance floor is. All these people he will never see again but somehow they were in the same place, at the same time with him and sure enough more of them felt the same way as Lucas did. Trying to hide or run away from something outside or inside. All these people with whom he had the chance to coincide like this boy next to him.

"Why not? I have no more business here." Lucas meets again the face of the boy who now has his lower lip caught between his teeth.

"You don't know that." He responds in a lower voice than before and for a moment Lucas almost missed his words, but he managed to follow the movements with his lips and understand what he was saying.

Lucas comes a little closer to him which allows his arm to feel the heat emanating from the boy's chest. "Why do you care?"

He responds with a shrug after sufficiently assessing the situation and Lucas’ proximity. "I just think someone like you wouldn't let things go so easily.

Lucas lets go of a laugh that didn't contain an ounce of grace inside. "And what makes you believe that? You don't even know me."

The boy nods his head, but Lucas doesn't lose sight of how his eyes go back down, running through his body quickly, but without losing any detail. "True, but you have a pair of eyes that look determined and a mouth that is too sharp." A small shy smile, like the one he had given him that day in the cafeteria, appears on his face.

"What was in the letter?" He finally asks after a few seconds where the conversation died and the only noise that filled him was the music, people talking, shouting or laughing, the sound of heels moving back and forth and lips clashing with other lips.

"What do you care." Lucas answers him a little harder than he intended, but still he doesn't change his position.

A small sound of pain came from the back of the boy's throat. "Hey, stop, I'm just trying to be helpful."

Lucas wets his lips and squints his eyes, hoping that the boy will understand his unfunny look. "I think you've been enough help."

"Sorry, okay," the boy also releases the air that Lucas may have felt falling on one side of his face. "I didn't mean to destroy the envelope and I did mean to teach you a lesson." The latter causes Lucas to take advantage of his proximity and hit the tall boy's stomach with his elbow. He leans forward a bit. "Ouch, but I'm sorry, I just want to help you."

Lucas turns his face again which is now just a few inches away from him. If he stretches his neck a little more, he could easily brush the tip of the boy's jaw with his lips and be able to touch the pulse of his neck with his mouth. There, among the voices of others, the heat of the night, with the face of the boy half hidden between the night and the lights, there, Lucas could distinguish a little the dark color that his eyes were hiding and that shine that was escaping from some sides of his iris.

The boy kept talking, saying words that Lucas was not paying attention to. "If you need someone to translate or help you find directions or a tour guide, well, here I am."

He raises his face a little more trying to capture the color of his eyes, opens his mouth a few seconds before finding the words he intended to say. It doesn't matter anymore. It's all over. "It doesn't matter anymore."

Lucas could feel the boy's hand just inches away from his own and despite the cold metal of the railing, the warmth of him now warming his hand and Lucas was getting closer and closer to him. He did not really know what was pushing him towards him, he was like a completely invisible magnet that Lucas could not resist and his eyes were like two gray clouds that blinded his thoughts and simply pushed him to do what his body wanted.

Suddenly Lucas was interrupted by a voice coming from far away and the boy moves away from him, from one moment to the next, that for a second Lucas staggers and has to hold on tightly to the railing so as not to fall. His whole side had been resting on the other tall body. Someone had said something in French to which Eliott takes his eyes off of him and turns to meet whoever was talking to him. Lucas does the same.

Next to them now stands a girl about the same height as Lucas, only her skin is much paler, and her brown hair and red lips only accentuate that paleness more. Even in the dim light Lucas can distinguish the clarity of her eyes. She's very pretty, fine cheekbones, small forehead and a thin neck. The girl says something in French again, but this time she is talking to him.

"Sorry?" Lucas speak to her in English and approaches her, shaking his head to the side. Not only did he not understand their language very well, but he had not been able to hear much of what she had said.

The girl opens her eyes for a few seconds before her lips rise in a smile followed by a playful push on the boy's shoulder. "American, eh. Wow, now it's international." The girl says to the boy, but this time in English. The boy simply twitches his lip in response. Lucas wasn't sure if it was because of the girl's comment or because of the blow he received.

"Excuse me?" Lucas asks again with now his forehead a little tense.

The girl looks back at him still with that funny but slightly more relaxed smile. "Nothing, nice to meet you, I'm Manon." She introduces herself by raising her voice a little more to make herself heard over the noise around them.

Lucas hadn't realized how close he and the boy had been so that having a conversation wouldn't have been as much of a problem as he and the boy's friend were trying, or at least he thought, to have.

"Ehm, I'm Lucas." He also introduces himself and out of the corner of his eye he can see how the tall boy changes weight from one foot to the other and Lucas ignores him. "And I'm not American." He makes it clear to Manon, he doesn't really know where that came from, but he felt he had to. This was a part of him that he didn't usually share with many, but for some reason this time it was different.

The girl's smile does not waver at any moment; it simply widens before she turns to her friend by putting her hand on his arm. "We have to go now. It was nice to meet you Lucas". She gives him one last smile before pushing him and the boy away from Lucas.

"Me too, it was a pleasure."

The boy, who until now had kept quiet trying to follow the conversation, now found himself further and further away from Lucas, but even at that distance Lucas could see the big smile that exposed his teeth, was directed at him. His eyes were a little closer, making little wrinkles on the sides of his face, and then the boy shrugged his shoulders as if trying to tell him, "I can't do anything." And Lucas understood. His conversation had long since died and he had things to do, Lucas too.

He follows with his gaze all the way Manon and the boy walked. Even in the crowd he could locate that disheveled hair and long body that suddenly finds itself in a group of people around him. Lucas bites his lower lip nervously. His head is spinning around chasing the last five or ten minutes. Was it an hour? Was it less or more than the time the two of them were talking? He quickly reviews the conversation they had had. As he arrived there with the intention of reclaiming what he did to him a few days ago and perhaps even telling him some truths, but everything changed suddenly, one second they were close with Lucas’ head on one side and the next they were inches away. He offered his help and Lucas, as he knew, wanted to run away. And something again ignited inside him. That thing that prompted him to act without careful analysis simply told him: Do it or you'll regret it.

And before Lucas' mind had control over his body again, he was already outside the club pushing some people in the entrance and standing on the sidewalk looking from one side to the other until, on his right, almost at the end of the street, Lucas could see the boy who was now locked in an uncomfortable hug with a boy who was much taller than him and then pushing him, making his friend laugh out loud.

"HEY, COFFEE GUY!" Lucas runs a bit, but stops halfway to call him. He stops and turns his body with a scowl now drawn on his face. The boy does not turn to see the group he is with, he just walks, with his hands hidden in his jacket pockets, until Lucas now finds himself less than a meter away. "I'm going to take it."

"What are you going to take?"

Lucas sighs and wets his lips before explaining better what he wanted to tell him. "Your help."

The boy opens his mouth to speak, but a deep voice from afar calls out to him. "ELIOT, COME ON, WE'RE LATE!"

Eliott.

Eliott just ignores him and instead smiles at Lucas as he begins to walk backwards without ceasing to see him. "I'll see you tomorrow, Lucas." He turns and jogs slowly to where the group is.

Lucas swallows his saliva and takes a few more steps to where the boy is going before he stops. "Stop, where shall we meet?"

The boy turns again without erasing that smile from his lips. "I think you know where."

Lucas only turns his eyes in response even though Eliott cannot see him, but he does see him. He still follows his figure that is now being, as he imagines it, interrogated by that tall boy, but he just looks down at the ground before Lucas can see the group of boys disappearing from the street corner. Lucas stays there for a few more seconds before he goes back inside the club and tries to get a beer. He desperately needs something to get that warm feeling out of his body and what better than a little alcohol and someone to distract him. But when he was about to order his drink, from the other side he manages to see Ian or at least the guy he thinks his name is, and now he is not alone. Apparently Lucas took a long time and what was supposed to be his conquest today is now someone else's conquest.

Well, the night is still young and he still has time to try what France has to offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is this week's chapter. I hope you enjoyed it and again, thank you for every comment, every visit, every kudo and thank you for reading this story. Take care and see you next weekend!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first of all I want to apologize because I'm not from France and I've never been to Paris (sad). I used some places for the story that do exist but I modified them to my imagination then if you're from there and this doesn't match, I'm sorry, and if you're not from Paris and you don't know, anyway, never be guided by my story if you ever go to that city. And that's all I had to say, hahah I'm sorry.

He checks his cell phone clock for what could be the fifth time since he arrived at the cafeteria. He had been waiting at that table at the place for about an hour and it wasn't until the first fifteen minutes of that long wait passed that Lucas realized he must have asked the boy what time they were supposed to meet, but again, his head went out for a few seconds and all he could do was watch him walk away from him. Lucas had woken up earlier that morning than he had thought.

In fact, the night before he didn't sleep at all, after his sudden encounter with the coffee guy, he found another distraction since Ian had gotten bored waiting for him. And it didn't take him long to find another guy who apparently yes, he was French, because his English pronunciation and accent gave him away very well. Lucas had to stifle his desire to laugh every time the boy opened his mouth and tried to say a word that included complicated letters to put together for the French language, but all his efforts at pronunciation could have been for nothing when Lucas soon found himself underneath it with his face buried in the pillow and his eyes closed, enjoying all the talent he was showing to Lucas that night. One, two, three, and the boy was out, and Lucas' head-which otherwise would have fallen off-this time, would not shut up. He couldn't stop thinking about Eliott.

Eliott. Lucas tried the words in his mouth. Every movement his tongue made inside his mouth, and the way it curved up to let those six letters out. Eliott, what are you going to do with me tomorrow? What am I going to do with you from now on? Lucas' mind was like that for a long time until his eyes got heavy and sleep overtook him, and when he opened them again he felt as if he had not slept more than five minutes, actually, it had been four hours, but it wasn't enough.

And that's why he was having his third cup of coffee at eleven o'clock in the morning. He was sitting at one of the tables that were next to a big window that looked out onto the street. He took one last drink from his cup when a soft sound from outside made him jump for a second. Outside, on the street, with a shy smile that he knows quite well so far and with his hands hidden in his pants. Eliott is waiting for him. Lucas raises his eyebrow silently, but Eliott only shakes his head, signaling for him to come out. After he lets go of the checkout line to pay his bill, he receives a "Have a nice day" from the employee. He left the premises and found Eliott now leaning against the entrance waiting for him.

"You still owe me the coffee. You know that, don't you?" was the first thing Lucas said to him when he saw him.

Eliott's smile has not faded in all that time. "Yes, I know, but it's going to have to be somewhere else."

Lucas leans his face to the side letting him understand the question he is asking. Eliott begins to walk in a different direction. "I was banned for life from there because of _that_ incident."

"Yes, I remember _that_ incident." Lucas imitates the tone Eliott used in that word.

Eliott ignores him and continues to walk to the end of the street crossing when no car is near and advances to another street where Lucas had never ventured. "There's a food place nearby and I'm going to invite you to more than just coffee." Eliott lowers his eyes following Lucas' body. "It looks like you haven't eaten in days and you need to keep from passing out if we're going to do this."

"What? Of course I've eaten." Lucas tells him in a slightly offended tone because he believes that Lucas needs to be fed properly.

He can see from the side of his profile of Eliott how the corners of his mouth rise for a few seconds. "Are you going to refuse a good meal?"

"I hope it will be worth the wait." Lucas throws the commentary to him with a more scathing tone than he expected.

Eliott curls up a little and then his eyes are on Lucas again, but with his forehead now tense. "Did you wait long?"

Lucas shrugs in response. "Not much." He was lying to him, but did it matter? He didn't want Eliott to feel sorry or bad, Lucas was tired of those condescending looks and wanted to stop feeling so humiliated. And, in short, telling Eliott that his ass was waiting for him for what could have been an hour or more was so pathetic.

"But I'd appreciate it if next time you'd let me know the time before you disappear." Lucas gives him the suggestion after Eliott's short, unanswered silence, which settled among them.

Eliott begins to apologize, but Lucas shakes his head and interrupts him before he continues.

"It's okay, stop apologizing just so you know next time." Eliott lowers his gaze to his feet for a few seconds until he lifts them up, continuing the path to the restaurant in a silence that Lucas thanked the universe for.

He didn't know what else to tell this guy, was it another one of his mistakes to accept his help? How was he supposed to help him? Could he get a flight to New York tonight or tomorrow? And all those questions continued to revolve around Lucas until both boys arrived at the small food court and took a seat at one of the tables outside right next to the street. Lucas had never eaten outside of a restaurant, usually all the food places were inside New York for hygiene and comfort, but here it was nice. Not many people drove on that side of the pavement and sometimes a car would cross the street without the engine noise that big city cars make.

A boy with glasses and short hair comes up to them and speaks to them in a hurried French that Lucas cannot grasp for a second, and then leaves a small, simple menu in front of them. Most of the dishes were written in that foreign language and Lucas kept scanning with his eyes until he found a word he knew.

"A croissant." Lucas tells Eliott in English to which he only raises his eyebrow in response.

"Is that all you're going to eat?" Eliott asks him, looking a little unsure whether or not he heard his words correctly.

Lucas nods his head and takes the menu and then returns to the waiter delivering the menu with a small smile that the boy responds in the same way.

Eliott drops his eyebrows and examines the menu for a few more seconds before responding in French to the boy by returning the menu with a friendly smile. The waiter writes down in his book and, hoping Lucas is not mistaken, repeats the order and then leaves the table leaving the two of them alone again.

"Then..." Eliott starts talking and rests his elbows on the table getting a little closer to him. "Can I see it?"

Lucas swallows not being sure what he is referring to or maybe just wanting to prolong that. "What is it?"

Eliott moves his hands a little on the table. "The letter, if you had an envelope was because there was a letter in it. Can I see it?"

He moves a little over the chair where he is sitting and leans to the side of his thigh to pull out of his back pants pocket a leaf as old as the years that was hidden in Lucas' closet and in the attic of his old house. Eliott takes the letter between his fingers and opens it and then disappears behind it. Lucas lowers his eyes to his hands that now rest on his legs. He does not know why he feels so nervous, many have already seen those words, but none of those people could understand what they were saying, only Lucas and now he was so strange. It was like letting someone else read something that was somehow private.

Finally, he lifts his face and bites his lower lip before asking. "What does he say?"

He already knows what his grandfather put in ink, but he needs to know how it looks or if Eliott will be honest and not paint the least painful scenario for him. Eliott lowers his hands a bit, leaving his face in Lucas' field of vision, but his eyes still move around the letter.

"It's your grandfather's, isn't it?" Lucas nods his head, but Eliott doesn't look at him. His scowl is furrowed with concentration and his mouth leans to the side. "It seems that he and your father had their differences because of things your grandfather did in the past, and it also seems to me that you, your mother and father, lived with him before you moved to America." Eliott lifts his eyes from the letter to meet with Lucas'. He simply shakes his head indicating that he can continue. "Your grandfather says he regrets all the things he did and the harm he did to his son, he also puts here a part that your mother and he had a good relationship but they haven't talked about it for a long time like your mother walked away and your father too." Lucas follows Eliott's Adam's apple up and down as he speaks. "That he loved you and that he just wanted to know about you. He loved you very much."

Eliott's look was as sad as if he could feel his grandfather's pain and despair. Lucas' eyes began to be a little clouded by the tears that threatened to fall. It was much harder to hear those words from someone else, they became more alive and full of feeling. No, no, you're not going to cry here, Lucas, you have to control yourself. He let out a short sigh, letting out all the air he had been holding inside.

The waiter soon returns, leaving two plates with croissants in front of them along with two cups that he fills with a liquid that smells like sweet spices. Then he says something again in French after leaving some cutlery and napkins, to which Eliott answers also in French with a small smile that leaves the waiter satisfied before turning his whole body back inside the small restaurant.

"This is not coffee." In fact, it was tea and it wasn't that bad. It was like chamomile with a little bit of what looked like honey. Lucas doesn't dislike the taste, but it wasn't something he expected to receive either.

Eliott does not shrink from the half-murdering gaze that Lucas throws at him. "It is better. So much caffeine is going to end up killing you one day."

Lucas snorts as he cuts a little bit of his croissant: "Yes, of course, did you know that tea has more caffeine than coffee?"

"No, that's not true." Eliott responds after taking the first bite of his croissant that, from where Lucas was sitting, he could see an obscene amount of cheese coming out of it.

"What makes you so sure of that?"

Eliott drops his head a little bit at the same time that he lets out a short sigh when he tastes his food. "Studies. I read it in an article."

He finishes breaking his croissant and when he tastes the first bite, he is sure that if he had not been sitting down his legs would have failed at any minute. The bread was so crisp but so soft at the same time that it could melt on the palate of his mouth and the cheese, it was a combination of cheese, spinach and a little something that Lucas cannot identify, but it is so wonderful. Eliott had not lied to him when he told him this place prepared good food. If this was just a croissant, what would the rest be like? And for a few moments he regrets not having asked for something else.

Eliott has a small smile on his face full of satisfaction and happiness that bothers Lucas at first, as if he were saying: I told you to eat something else. But then it fills him with a warmth he hasn't felt in a long time, one that says to him: When was the last time someone cared for you?

"How do you plan to help me?" Lucas asks him as Eliott licks the tip of his thumb. "Because I assume you don't remember the address, or at least you didn't read it right, so what can you do for me?"

"I have contacts." He answers as if it were the simplest thing in the world or the most obvious, as if Lucas understood everything and that was reason enough for him to risk staying longer in this country. When Eliott saw Lucas' face that was full of doubt and insecurity, he leaves his cup of tea beside him. "I have a friend who knows all about technology, he could help you find some information about your family and maybe know where he is."

"Could your friend help us?"

Eliott quickly nods his head trying to convey a little peace of mind to Lucas that he is clearly managing to do. Lucas feels a little more relaxed, but he also feels that hope that he had lost a few days ago, and he is on his guard again. He couldn't let himself be disappointed again. He had already been through so much and didn't think he could bear the bitter taste of sadness and disappointment.

Lucas was about to ask the boy when they could go see his friend, but Eliott went ahead.

"Don't you have anything else from your grandfather? Another letter?" Eliott asks him with a little curiosity, leaving his empty plate aside and taking a drink from his tea cup.

Lucas moves his hands over his own empty plate trying to clean a little bit the crumbs left on his fingers. "No, my mom got rid of all of the things." Lucas keeps silent before he gets up the courage to do what he was going to do. "But I have something else I found along with the letter."

Eliott moves forward to get closer to Lucas and the smaller boy moves again as he had done when he took the card out of his pocket only this time he leaned on the other thigh thus freeing up what he had been keeping with himself for so long. The photos his mother had kept of his grandfather that no one but Lucas - not even Harve - had seen. They were eight photos that Lucas knew by heart. He had spent so much time looking at those black and white photos, running his fingers through the details of his grandfather and also thinking about those places he was in when they captured those moments.

"Wow," was all Eliott said as he examined the photos with equal care, one by one, his lips pursed now. "Your grandfather went to so many places." Lucas nods in agreement with him. "We have to go too."

We have. Well, that had already become something interesting. Since when had _we_ been included in the situation? Lucas shakes his head a bit trying to clear his mind and put that question aside for later.

"Why" Lucas drops into his chair with his back against the backrest and his arms crossed over his chest.

"Because you cannot know your grandfather without knowing the places he visited. You have to know him; do you know anything else about him besides his name?" Eliott ends the question with a raised eyebrow as if marking his point.

Lucas turns his eyes again. God, how could he stand any more of that? You're lucky you're cute, Lucas thinks, yet he doesn't say so. He says, "That's right. Then I guess we'll go, but" Lucas stops to raise his finger in warning before the boy begins to celebrate his victory. "but until your friend can help us find my grandfather."

Eliott's smile widened more and more with every passing second and then he lowered his eyes back to the pictures. "It's perfect, because I know this place and it's open."

"Open on Sunday?" Lucas asks him hesitantly, but Eliott simply nods his head in safety.

"Yes, you forget that Paris is a tourist center. Everything here is open all the time. And you know what's best?" Eliott doesn't wait for Lucas to answer, he just keeps talking. "That this is close by so we're going there first."

"Do we have to?" Lucas makes a small grimace on his face that Eliott only answers by putting his hands on the table tightly and calling a waiter for the check.

After what could have been about five minutes of a short talk in French, bills, coins, looks and smiles from the waiter towards them. Eliott and Lucas were already standing in the street - not far from where they had been sitting just now. Eliott arranged his little black backpack that he had been carrying with him since they met in the morning and began to head towards their first destination. Lucas knew that of those eight photographs there were only six where his grandfather was in front of some _significant_ place as Eliott had begun to call it, so he assumed that they were not going to go to all that place that day. He was doing his math in his head about how many more days he could extend his stay in Paris just as Eliott took his doll and pushed it a little closer to him.

"So you don't get lost." Assures the tall boy with a small smile, not so small that he didn't try to hide it.

Lucas bites his lower lip and lowers his eyes to where Eliott's hand is on his and releases his grip to then push him a little. "I'm not five years old, I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh, right, I forgot you weren't American." Eliott answers him in a sarcastic tone. "Where are you from, then?"

"From here."

Eliott's eyes widened in surprise and he opened his mouth. He said, "Really? I didn't expect that, and why did you leave?"

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and follows with his eyes the way Eliott's eyebrows shoot up. "I was born and raised here, I spent my first three years in Paris until my father got the idea that it was better for us to go to America or well, that's what I think happened."

"Is that what you want to ask your grandfather?" Eliott walks behind Lucas to let some people across the street pass him.

"I don't think he knows, but if he did I'd like to know."

Eliott nods his head with his hands still hidden between his pants pockets. "But if you lived here for three years and have French parents, I assume that's right..." Lucas bows his head, telling him to continue. "Why do you need my help?"

Lucas bites the inside of his cheek and reflects on what he should answer. At another time he might have gotten defensive and asked if he was regretting his offer or simply threw a somewhat cold answer at him like: What do you care? But for some reason he felt comfortable talking to Eliott besides the fact that he couldn't hide anymore. This boy already knew more than anyone who had ever known him before, even Harve or his mother, no one else had ever really known more about his life than Eliott and what harm could it do for him to have more information? As his mother once told him, "If you don't speak up sometime, Lucas, all those words are going to freeze like hard cement inside you and then it's going to take so long to get all that out of your system." And it was true, maybe it was time to let go a little.

"My parents never talked about here or well, what I remember about my father, he never mentioned France and even less my mother. So, even if I was born here, it doesn't matter because everything I remember is in America." Lucas can see Eliott's eyes fall a little bit as if he is processing everything.

"So you decided to come on your own?" Eliott asks him slowly as if he were seeing if there was any point to what he was saying.

Lucas sighs and shakes his head. Soon both boys stop on a street waiting for the traffic light to tell them they can go on. "No, actually, I came with a friend, but he had to leave."

"Seriously? Doesn't your friend watch the news?" Eliott smiles a little at the angry look on Lucas' face now. "Your size doesn't help much."

Lucas pinches his arm with his hand because that is the only thing he can do before they resume their journey. Eliott complains before stroking his arm with his hand.

"I'm not so small, I just don't know what you all eat here in Europe. My size is average in America." A little chuckle comes from deep in Eliott's throat, but Lucas just rolls his eyes even when the tall guy isn't looking.

"There, we are finally here." Eliott takes his hand with his and pushes him to run a little bit to where he is in a big entrance with two lockers. The line is not that long, in fact, there are so few people that Lucas is grateful again to the universe. The crowds and him have never been a good combination and of course, the waiting and lines are not that he is a fan of those things either. Eliott stops on the street and turns his body toward Lucas, releasing his hand to raise his arms. "Welcome to Jardin d'acclimation!"

"Jardin of what?" Lucas asks as he looks around. It seemed to be some kind of children's amusement park, or rather, it was. Eliott ignores Lucas' question and instead pulls his backpack off his shoulders and opens it to look for something inside. He hands Lucas his grandfather's photographs and searches until he points to one.

"Look, here's your grandfather. This is the entrance to the park. Here it looks a little older because I guess it was different obviously, it didn't have this here, but otherwise it's pretty much the same." Eliott explains to him and Lucas can only think that he agrees. Unlike the main garden at the entrance and the old sign, everything was almost the same.

Lucas turns to say something to Eliott, but the boy is no longer there beside him, he was now a little further back from the street and had a camera in his hands.

"What are you doing?” He leaves his hands on his hip and bends his leg a little to the side.

The boy moves his face away from the camera lens with a pleased smile. "Take a picture of you. Now shut up and get over there, I want you to feel everything your grandfather felt when that picture was taken."

Lucas squints his eyes throwing his best look of boredom, but that doesn't discourage the boy, on the contrary, he just smiles harder exposing his teeth. He keeps his grandfather's picture in his pocket and when the boy starts counting slowly from three to one, Lucas feels more and more uncomfortable with all this.

"Come on, you can do better." The boy encourages him. Lucas raises his middle finger in response just as the camera announces the picture. Eliott laughs and shakes his head. "I'm serious, you've got to do better. We can't show that picture to your grandfather." _We_ can, all right. And finally, after two more pictures Lucas relaxed enough and smiled just as Eliott made another comment about leaving him standing there posing until he got a decent picture.

"God, I hope I don't find those pictures in some twitter thread with a touching story." Lucas threatens Eliott as they both stand in a short line at the entrance.

"Shit," Eliott fakes a bad face. "you discovered my plan. Now I'll have to make a movie."

"Mh, I don't know. I don't think any actor can do justice to my good looks." Lucas moves his hand in the air with a movement through his body, which only made Eliott laugh again but this time his eyes got smaller.

"You could play it yourself." Eliott suggests with a shrug.

"Maybe, but only if the director is George Miller."

Eliott turns his face with a force that could have broken his neck in two. His mouth is open in surprise and disbelief. "The director of Mad Max? Really?"

Lucas turns his eyes in response to Eliott's stupid attitude. "No, the director of the best sequel in the world: Babe, the pig in the city."

Eliott's expression did not change, but it only softened into a small smile while he shook his head. "You're lucky to be pretty."

Lucas' mouth opens in a second and blinks a little trying to think if it was his imagination or if he actually heard those words coming from Eliott's lips. His mind went blank again, but just at that moment the two of them had to pass in line, and Lucas was relieved that they did. He really wasn't sure what he could have answered to that, maybe some clever comment or ignored it completely, maybe if it had been a figment of his imagination so he just let it go. Eliott pays the entrance fee for both of them and soon Lucas is having a green bracelet put around his wrist.

"I thought we were just here for the picture."

Eliott wets his lips with his tongue and diverts his gaze to one of the games of attraction. "Of course not, you have to have the whole experience."

Lucas couldn't argue with that because despite the small protests he presented to Eliott at the beginning of this whole _adventure_ , the idea of going to a park full of games and not getting on any of them was so sad. He had never had many opportunities to go to places like these, not because there were no amusement parks in New York but because Harve wasn't a big fan of this kind of thing. Once on a birthday they had to leave because his friend got so dizzy on one of the inflatable games and threw up all the way home. So yeah, maybe Paris wasn't going to be so boring after all. Lucas could have some of that experience that Harve had when he was nine, it was about time, he was twenty-four and the only thing exciting so far was what he was experiencing with substance in his system. He deserved a little fun off the death line.

Around them were some couples, parents, children, teenagers with small children, a few adults alone, but otherwise the place was a bit empty and not as crowded as it should be.

"Come, we have to try this one." Eliott drags him to a short line by a lake.

"Where are we going?" Lucas asks curiously as he tries to stand on his tiptoes and lift his head to see the name of the game, but even if he could see it, he wouldn't understand French at all.

"It's a canoe ride, have you ever rowed?"

Lucas grimaces at Eliott. "Do I have to row?" The boy answers him with a nod. "No, never, which means you're going to do the work in there."

The line advanced quickly and soon both were inside the canoe. The site manager gave them two paddles they could use to move the canoe. Eliott helped Lucas into the canoe, but not before making some jokes that he could fall into the lake, and Lucas made some stronger threats about how he was going to be the one that was going to disappear in Paris. Lucas kept his word and he did nothing, he left all the work to Eliott while he spent all the time watching the nature that gave them the trip. The plants, some ducks or a bird that was resting in the shade of some tree. The sounds of animals and some insects. Lucas appreciated everything he was seeing.

"You didn't finish telling me why your friend left." Eliott tells him by breaking down the thoughts of Lucas who was trying to capture with his eyes every moment.

"I didn't tell you." He turns his eyes to the boy who is moving his arms and shoulders, making the paddles keep going in and out of the water.

"And you're going to tell me?"

"Why should I?"

Eliott's corner rises up in a small smile that Lucas looks at out of the corner of his eye as he directs his eyes back to the side of the lake where there is a duck wiping its feathers with its beak in an uncomfortable position.

"Studies say it is easier to trust strangers because they don't know you so they can't judge you." Eliott responds to him while moving the canoe.

Lucas laughs a little but soon bites his lower lip to calm the smile that was beginning to draw on his face. "Let me guess, another article?"

Eliott moves his head to one side as if to say, what more than that?

"You're going to have to send me those articles. I don't have much confidence in your reading comprehension." Eliott simply nods his head and remains silent waiting for Lucas to speak about what he knows he should speak or feel he should say. And so Lucas did, first telling him about his initial plan. He and Harve, two weeks in Europe and their final destination would be France and also told him how Harve convinced him - without much effort - to let September join them on this trip and finally told him about the little fight the two of them had. Eliott simply nodded his head, did not ask many questions so as not to interrupt the string of words that ran from Lucas' mouth into his ears.

"But I don't understand, shouldn't you be?" Eliott begins to ask, but Lucas knew what he wanted to say before he actually finished saying it. He sighs and drops behind the canoe to support his back.

"Shouldn't I be happy that my best friend is getting married? Of course I would be, if I knew the girl loved him." This only makes Eliott stop his movements and move his hands over his knees while quietly questioning Lucas.

"What happened between you two?" Eliott launches the question and soon Lucas swallows it.

"What?" This time it was his turn to ask.

"Lucas," God, was the first time he said his name and Lucas didn't even have time to get a good taste of it before Eliott continued with that speech he was planning in his head. "you don't strike me as a bad guy and I know, I know I don't know you well enough, but from what you've told me and the way you do it, it seems to me that you love Harve very much and I only see two reasons why you might hate his girlfriend. Either something happened between the two of you or you like Harve."

Luca came close to drowning on hearing that last option, but he was able to control his cough. His face felt much warmer and he was sure his skin was now a red color.

"WHAT!?" Lucas lets out a squeal at the end of the word that he didn't mean to sound so loud. "I don't like Harve." And it was true, as much as he loved his friend he was so damn straight and they had grown up together, they were brothers.

"I don't like Harve." Lucas repeats more clearly, but when he sees Eliott's expectant face he just sighs again. "Okay, yes something happened between her and me, but first it's nothing you can imagine. I'm very, very, _very_ gay, okay?"

"It is good to know." Eliott tells him with a satisfied smile that Lucas tried to ignore. "So, what happened?"

"Harve was very different before I met her. He and I always partied on the weekends, not all the time, but we did it together. He'd hook up with some girl and I'd hook up with some guy and we'd have a good time and move on. He had maybe only one girlfriend in all these times and that was in high school, until he met September and it was like he changed." Lucas bites his lower lip and lowers his eyes to his hands trying to find the right words that could explain all the internal battle he has been carrying with himself this past year. "The night Harve met September she came up to me first and tried to seduce me or something, I told her I didn't want anything, but I guess I wasn't clear enough and she got mad at me and left. The next morning, I learned that she and Harve had connected, but I didn't care. I already knew it wasn't something more for Harve and that he would move on to the next, but it wasn't like that, he fell in love with her a lot and overnight they were already dating".

"You never told Harve about that night?"

Lucas lets out a snort. "What for? Harve was going to laugh, it was silly. That wasn't the problem. The problem is that September has been cheating to Harve on several occasions." In the face of this, Eliott's body settles into his seat, resting his elbows on his knees. "I only saw her once when I went to a party they were having on the college campus and Harve didn't want to go because September had to study, and I saw her with another guy. At first I thought it was someone else, but it was her. The other times it's been because in college everything comes out sooner or later, you know?"

"No, I don't." Eliott's corners tremble in a small smile that fails to go all the way.

"Don't you go to college?" Lucas asks carefully, studying how Eliott's eyes fall down, and shakes his head.

"Why didn't you tell him?" He changes the subject before Lucas can ask why he doesn't study or what he does with his time.

Lucas thinks about it for a few seconds before answering that question. "I couldn't stand his wounded doggy face if I told him the truth."

Eliott tilts his head to one side with his eyes closed that had a clear message that said, are you kidding me? but Lucas only shrugs in response to that look.

"The first time I thought it was a mistake, we all make mistakes and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I didn't want to break Harve's heart, but I think I should have because then the second time and the third time were more difficult. It was like a snowball that was getting bigger and harder to let go because not only had I lied to him for so long hiding that secret, but he wasn't going to believe me either. She got so into his skin and he knew that I didn't like her so of course he wouldn't believe me, I don't know, he was afraid of what might happen."

"But you didn't tell him the last time that you two spoke." Eliott tells him, and Lucas pushes his foot off by hitting his leg with the tip of his shoe. "It's true, he could have hated you, but at least you would have left that doubt inside him."

No, Lucas knew that Harve, as much as he loved him, would not believe him. There wasn't going to be any doubt. He was just going to hate him more, and he was sure that if he didn't answer his messages now, if Lucas had told the truth, he would have thrown him out of his life forever. Lucas knew why at this time he had not told Harve the truth, not only because he was afraid of losing his best friend, but because he did not want to hurt Harve anymore. He had suffered so much as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. His father did not make things easy for either of them and the last thing Lucas wanted was to put another burden on him.

"I know; I know I'm a bad friend." Lucas raises his hands up in surrender. "Sue me for being a bad friend.”

"Stop, don't be so hard on yourself." Eliott tries to calm him down a little by taking his hand in his own and squeezing it. "It's not your fault. Yes, you could have been honest with him, but it's his life. What he does or doesn't do is not your fault, you can't do anything. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions."

Lucas lowers his eyes to his hands and returns Eliott's grip. He swallows hard the heavy knot at the bottom of his throat. Guilt.

"Plus he also left you in a country all alone when he knew what this meant to you, right?" Eliott asks him quietly what Lucas only answers with a little nod in his head. "You are lucky to have found me, otherwise he would carry a greater weight than your disappearance." The taller boy says in a joking tone that he manages to get a little laugh out of Lucas.

He moves his hand away from Lucas' and suddenly he feels the need to take again his big warm hand that gave him more comfort than he had many months ago.

"How much longer is this?" Lucas turns his face, looking everywhere and avoiding Eliott's eyes, which are watching him very carefully at that moment, as if he were evaluating the situation with Lucas.

Lucas listens from where he is sitting to a little laugh coming from Eliott. "Are you bored so quickly already?"

Lucas does not answer this time and instead the rest of the trip was spent in silence. The canoe went down a path that was surrounded by plants that were intertwined with each other and covered the whole sky leaving them hidden in the shade and noise around them. Lucas became more and more fascinated, sometimes there were little frogs or toads, he was not sure, but those creatures would get on top of some branch and then jump into the water disappearing completely. Even if the lake was dark green, in the distance you could see some huge orange fish, white fish or small fish that couldn't measure more than eight centimeters but left a trail of waves in the water as they passed by.

They were walking through the park looking for a game they could get on when Lucas realized he didn't know anything about Eliott other than his name. He had said more things to him than he had ever said to anyone in his twenty-four years and he had no problem opening up completely to a complete stranger.

"Hey, you haven't told me anything about yourself and I'm practically letting you drag me wherever you want." Lucas accuses him with a small smile drawn on his face that Eliott also responds in the same way.

The boy turns his face and looks at him as seriously as possible. "What do you want to know about me?"

Lucas thought about it for a few moments and leans his lip to the side pretending to be thinking about his questions. "Your full name? Your age? What do you do? Do you have a family? Why didn't you go to college? Where did you learn to speak such good English?"

Eliott smiles again but this time he turns his face to the road. "Eliott Demaury. I am twenty-five years old. I work in a movie store part-time. Yes, I have a family, in fact, I lived with my father until about two years ago when I managed to convince him that the idea of sharing an apartment with a friend was not so bad. And I learned by watching movies and listening to music."

Lucas is silent for a few seconds until he feels Eliott grabbing his hand again now dragging him into a small row - no more than five people - of a game that if he doesn't remember is one of pretty huge and tall flying chairs that takes his breath away before he turns his face to Eliott.

"Alone with your father?" Lucas finally says. "Not a brother or someone?"

"No, it was always just him and me." Eliott looks at Lucas again with a small smile on the corner of his lips. "What about you?"

"What about me?" He could talk about his mother and father - Harve's parents - but he couldn't talk about his biological parents. First because he didn't know his biological father well enough and second because, he didn't know his mother that well either and it's not like he took the time to create any kind of relationship between the two of them. Those issues were always to be avoided and he was good at that, and that's when his turn in line comes and the employee speaks in French to which only Eliott responds.

Lucas raises his face up to see the game that is definitely huge and his whole pulse is racing. He takes Eliott's arm in his hand and squeezes it a little.

"Oh no, I can't believe I'm getting into one of these." Lucas says with his mouth open.

"Do you like it?" Eliott asks him with a smile that is too open and too cheerful. They both take a seat and one of the attendants passes by to check that the safety is on. Lucas can simply nod strongly without being able to stop smiling. At any moment his face could split in half, but he doesn't care.

"I always watched a lot of people do it, but I never could." He can't help but let out a small grimace of sadness when he says that last part.

"Well, there's always a first time for everything, isn't there?"

That was the last thing Eliott could say to him before the game got going and soon they were both flying in the air. Lucas couldn't stop laughing, his body crushed on one side by the metal and his other thigh glued to Eliott's. Lucas didn't really know why he was laughing so much, because of the feeling of being in the sky, the speed at which his whole world was moving, Eliott's warm body close to his, or the laughter of the older boy. It was all too much and still not enough. He could have stayed there forever but unfortunately it was not so, soon the game came to an end and both were again looking for something to do.

Eliott checks his cell phone again for what could have been a third time since they entered the amusement park.

"Can you stand one more game? We have about an hour left." Eliott wets his lips with his tongue, which Lucas has to look away from and then back into his eyes.

"Yes, of course." Lucas nods his head and looks around. "Which one?"

Eliott raises his hand, pointing with his index finger to one of the biggest games Lucas had ever seen, and his eyes could not see the end of the game. It was so high up in the sky that it was impossible for him to bend his neck that much and his eyes didn't have that range or distance. Lucas bites his lower lip and with his eyes wide open in surprise finds Eliott's smiling face. God, if he wasn't so scared I'm sure he would hate that face so much.

"Oh my God, no, don't make me." Lucas begs him after swallowing his saliva, but Eliott ignores him completely and only pushes him into the line which, for his bad luck, was almost empty.

"Come on, we can't go without you trying this one." Eliott said him at the same time to lower his lower lip by making a small pout that Lucas responds by rolling his eyes, but he still lets himself go, lets Eliott take him to the game and also stands there with his hands sweating more and more. Because fuck it, what was that saying again? Do you live only once or is life one? It doesn't matter, maybe he can die, but at least he's trying.

And that's how Lucas ended up in the game. He didn't trust the mechanism as much and that's why he still asked Eliott to tell the manager if he could check that the safety was set correctly to what the boy no older than eighteen didn't look very happy to do, but he still had to comply with the request. Lucas could already feel his heart going down his throat to his stomach, the cold on his neck and in his hands, God, he was going to die right there. Suddenly, all the courage he felt was slowly falling as the chairs went higher and higher.

"I'm going to kill you, Eliott Demaury." Lucas tells him with his teeth clenched and his voice lowered. He had never felt so close to passing out.

Eliott just laughs in response and turns a little, as best he can, to see Lucas who now has his eyes focused on the sky that is looking closer and closer. "Now are you happy you only ate that croissant?"

"It's the only thing I'm going to eat all day. “He lets out a little gasp and can't help but lower his eyes to the ground and find that everything looks so much smaller. "My God."

"Don't look down, you'll get more scared." Eliott scolds him with a stern voice that only makes Lucas' eyes close and his hands cling as tightly as humanly possible to the safety catch that surrounds the sides of his body.

"I should have said I'm afraid of heights."

Eliott lets out a snort in response. "You weren't complaining in the other game."

Lucas opens his eyes and moves his face to his right to see Eliott's bright gray eyes that now contrast with the blue of the sky. "Because I don't remember seeing any video of someone shitting himself in fear in that game."

Eliott turns his eyes and then points to him with his index finger, as he had done a few minutes before, but this time in front of them. "Look, look there you can see the Eiffel Tower." And he was right. The tower wasn't that far from where they were and in fact you could see the whole field, the streets, the cars, the people who looked like ants in the distance. "It's beautiful. We can almost reach its height."

"Please no." Lucas tells him with the thinnest, coldest tone he can find inside that he is shaking. He swallows and closes his eyes again, resting his head up.

"I bet she's not beautiful." Eliott's voice sounds so calm for someone who is more than 100 meters away from the ground sitting on an artifact that it could fail at any moment.

"I will appreciate her beauty more when I'm safe and sound on the ground, thank you."

The game stopped its slow ascent and Lucas’ heart also stopped at the same time. He wasn't much of a believer but he did have to start praying at that moment he was going to say all the prayers he knew and if necessary he was going to make up some new ones. He counted from ten to one, but when he was about to reach the third number the game descended quickly and Lucas could swear that all the blood was going up all over his body, his lungs were burning like his heart that could run out of his mouth. His ears no longer registered any sound other than the distant screams drowned out by the noise of the air hitting his face. And well, the real torture of that game was the nerves to climb slowly to the top because the descent was so fast, but at the same time so eternal. And soon Lucas found himself walking on the firm ground with his legs and hands shaking uncontrollably.

Lucas lifts his face off the floor to see Eliott biting his lower lip trying to drown out his laughter. Lucas swallows hard and squints as he tries to regain his initial posture. "I don't know how you manage to make me like you less, every hour.” His voice sounds a little more muffled and hoarse.

The tallest boy shrugs his shoulders and finally lets out that laugh that comes from the bottom of his throat and then carries his hands to his mouth. "I guess that's another coffee, isn't it?"

They had already reached the entrance of the amusement park. The sun was now much hotter than just a few hours ago and the line at the entrance had increased considerably. Lucas checks the clock around his wrist and realizes that it is much later than noon and that both of them have been there for at least two hours. He hadn't felt the time fly by, but apparently Eliott had other plans. So when Lucas was speaking, Eliott also spoke at the same time, the two let out different words that collided with each other:

"See you tomorrow?"

"Give me your cell phone."

Lucas frowned a little and leaned his face to the side, sending a question to Eliott who answered with a short smile. "I better give you my number.”

Well, he was right. Lucas gives him his cell phone, which was hidden in his pants pocket, and it doesn't take long for Eliott to record his number and then give him his device. His cheeks were a little more flushed than a few seconds before, and Lucas wasted no time memorizing every detail about Eliott while the boy was busy typing on his cell phone. He was much taller than him, maybe about ten centimeters or more, his long, well-drawn eyebrows that were the same color as his unkempt, straight hair, his thick, pink lips that contrasted with his skin that was such a delicate color, no moles, no spots, no traces of beard simply so soft at first sight.

Apparently Eliott had been talking to him, but Lucas' brain did not react until the end when he managed to capture the last words: "Will you text me?”

"Yes, of course." Lucas assures him before the older boy makes one last settlement with his head and starts walking backwards in another direction opposite to his.

"See you tomorrow, Lucas." And with that he turns around leaving Lucas standing at the end of the street.

Lucas.

Now that he could taste the words coming from Eliott's lips it sounded a little strange. He had left out almost the last letter of his name leaving it marked in an accent or a form he had not heard before, so soft, that for a few seconds it was hard for him to recognize his own name.

His brain kept repeating the morning, his conversations, but especially those last words and the way he said his name, all that was going around in his head all the way to the hotel that was not so far from where he was and he didn't get lost, thank heaven. And finally he dropped on the bed in his room, and closed his eyes letting everything go out around him. About four hours of walking, going up and down of games, talking, letting himself be opened to another person, emotions, thoughts, everything had left him exhausted in addition to the few hours of sleep he managed to get the night before, or rather, the early morning of that same day, did not help him feel less exhausted. The only thing that woke him up a few hours later when the sky was still lit by the clock at eight o'clock at night, had been the sound of his stomach protesting for more food.

He was dialing the room service number when the constant glow of his cell phone dialing a notification caught his attention. And he found himself with a notification of:

**Eliott**

**13:46**

sorry I had to leave like that

**14:55**

did you get there okay?

**16:07**

text me if you need anything

**18:32**

i’m this close to placing a missing persons ad all over town

**20:11**

hey, i got lost once, i'm not dumb enough to get lost twice

god, you had me worried

you told me you were going to text me when you got to your hotel

sorry

i fell asleep until now i saw the cell phone

i'm going to get something to eat now

make it more than bread and caffeine

shut up, you don't owe me a coffee, you owe me two

are you serious? and so all my savings went…

leave the drama alone

what do you do?

at work

see you tomorrow at eight?

don't you have to work?

night shift

okay i wait for my coffee on time

i'm beginning to regret this

you can't, otherwise you'll have to pay for my flight back to america

okay, i get it.

see you tomorrow

bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all for this week, I hope you liked it and if so, don't forget to leave me some comments that I'll be very happy to answer. Thanks for taking the time to read this story, as always, take care and see you next week.


	4. Chapter 4

Lucas wakes up the next day to the constant sound and buzzing of his cell phone resting on the night table. He turns on his back and extends his arm until his hand manages to locate the mobile device and inside he was hoping it was some call from Harve, but instead, the screen announced the name: Mom. Lucas wastes no time and slides the screen bubble over to answer the call.

"Hello? Mom?" His voice sounds a little deeper and raspy from sleep.

_"Oh, honey, were you sleeping?"_ asks his mom from the other side of the line, sounding a little worried.

Lucas runs his hand over his eyes trying to wake up a little more. "Yes, well no, no, I was just getting up..." He sighs heavily before letting himself fall back onto the bed. "Mom, what are you doing up at this hour? It must be three o'clock in the morning over there with you."

His mother lets out what sounds like a snort. _"It's one o'clock in the morning, don't exaggerate too much either."_

"Is something wrong?" Lucas finally opens his eyes that feel so much heavier and it's so hard for him to open them at first. "Is dad okay?"

_"Yes, there's nothing at home you need to worry about."_ His mother reassures him, but still Lucas keeps silent waiting for her to say whatever it is she's keeping inside. _"Lucas, I've been calling you these days and you had me worried.”_

And there was the reason. "Sorry," Lucas begins to apologize, but stops to think what could excuse him for ignoring not one or two calls but as many as six calls from his mother. "It's just, it's hard to get reception here..."

God, that must have been the worst lie he could have ever told. And apparently his mom thought so too because she just laughs quietly from the other side and doesn't try to hide her laughter.

_"Oh honey, what's wrong with you? You used to be a better liar."_ His mother says in a sweet tone but also full of fake concern.

"Ugh," Lucas complains and turns away from his body as his eyes try to focus on the door to the room. "My head is still half asleep."

_"Yeah, sorry about that, I didn't mean to, but I needed to know how you were..."_ His mother apologizes again and then he hears some footsteps on the other side of the line. _"I talked to Harve."_ She says to him now in a lower tone of voice as if she were trying to be careful.

He hums in response as if to indicate to her that she can keep talking. Lucas had had a slight suspicion that this was another reason, or rather the main reason, why she had called him, but he didn't really want to talk about it. Not with his mother, not with Harve's mother.

_"He told us about the wedding."_ His mother continues to talk and then lets out a little sigh that Lucas manages to capture despite how weak it was. _"We were taken by surprise by this news."_

"Yes." That's all Lucas can say, it's his way of letting his mother know he's listening.

_"And I'm not as happy as you would be."_ She assures him of what again Lucas imagined had been a normal reaction in her.

She had met Harve's girlfriend almost at the same time they had started dating. His friend didn't waste much time or thought before taking September to a family dinner where Harve's mother kept inspecting her with her eyes that only caused Harve's anger to rise and try to hide it among forced smiles. A rather uncomfortable night considering that his father had not seen them in a long time and was not happy with the visit either and not because he did not like September - the truth is that he tried not to pay so much attention to her, with little success - but because all of Harve's attention was diverted to his girl, which left his father only with Lucas. And well, Lucas was not the best choice for him.

"What did you say to him?" Lucas asks after so long waiting for his mom to tell him the whole thing.

_"What I could?"_ His mother says in a dubious voice, but it sounded more like an apology than anything else. _"He's my son, I can't like his girlfriend, but at least I can try. I figured you didn't take it well, so I tried to go easy on him and not make it so hard on myself."_

And sometimes Lucas worried that he might become so transparent to his mother's eyes, she, while not sharing the same blood or flesh, always knew how to read what Lucas needed and take whatever he was willing to give and keep it, memorize it and map out his life in an attempt not to let Lucas slip through her fingers. But there were also things she didn't know, part of Lucas that he hid from her and tried to disguise, so as not to hurt her or anyone else.

"Yes," he understood what she was saying. Everything. From the part that Harve was her son through it all to where she indicated, with a little subtlety, that she understood how hard he had been on Harve. "What about dad?"

_"He didn't say much, just the usual."_ He could imagine his mother's shrugging. He also knew what was usual for his father. His opinions or whatever came from him always came with a strong look or a condition. _"That he expected Harve to make a decision like that until he graduated and was better established, you know.”_

"Yes, I know." Lucas closes his eyes again, letting the cell phone rest on his cheek and his arm drops to the side of his body. The dream was winning the battle again, but he knew that this conversation was not yet over. If his mother had been wanting to talk to him for so long that meant there were still a couple of things on the table.

_"Lucas, when will you come back?"_ asks his mother gently, still in a low voice.

He wets his lips and runs his teeth through his lower lip brushing the sensation that his mother's worried voice left under his skin. "Soon, mom, I promise."

She sighs again, but this time louder as if she were letting go of an air she had been holding in for so long. And for a few moments Lucas feels so bad about lying to the woman who welcomed him with open arms and gave him everything he had until now _. "You could call him, try to talk to him now that he's a little calmer."_

He nods his head even when she could not see it. "I tried, but he didn't answer. I don't think he's ready and neither do I." He tells her as honestly as possible.

_"Give him a break, honey, it must be too much for him."_ Lucas takes his cell phone in his hand and turns again, lying on his back and looking up at the white ceiling of the room that was now slowly lighting up with the sunrise. _"Are you eating well? Are you sleeping?"_

Lucas swallows his saliva and stops before answering his mother. "I'm not a big fan of Spanish food if I'm honest." And he waits silently for her to respond. He wasn't sure if his mother knew the truth or not, so lying to her again had been a risk he was taking.

He did not tell her that he was going to travel to Paris, again, for fear of hurting her. Because for more than fifteen years Lucas pretended that his past did not interest him very much, all he wanted was to move forward into the future. His mother, although she tried to change those ideas, deep down he could see her relief that she had managed to make Lucas forget all the bad things and wanted to concentrate on the present. His present. A present where she, Harve and her husband were. And for a few seconds he feared that Harve had told her the truth while they were fighting.

But from the other side of the line Lucas hears his mother's slight laughter.

_"Give the paella a chance and you're sure to like it."_ She says to him in that sweet, motherly tone she used to use every time he or Harve did a little mischief where she had to pretend to be angry, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't. _"Remember that potato salad Amy used to make and you swore you didn't like it, but you had a say until you tried it? You have to allow yourself to explore new things otherwise what's the point?”_

He drops a complaint dramatically and closes his eyes by running one of his hands through his hair. "Yeah, but if I don't answer next time it's because I died for a potato."

His mother's laughter is again in his ear and this time it sounds much more relaxed. _"There's my dramatic boy, I see you're feeling more awake.”_

Lucas can't help but laugh at his mother's comment as well. All the weight he was feeling on his shoulders is dropped a little, not so much but enough to allow Lucas to breathe easy enough to have a conversation with his mother. The two stay talking for about fifteen more minutes until she yawns from the other end of the line and Lucas sends her to sleep, but not without her making him promise that he will call her more often until he is back in New York and also making him promise, reluctantly, that he will call his friend and try to work things out. Lucas promises, swears, gives her all the reassurance she needs, but something tells him they won't talk again for a while. Not when Harve is like this and not when he doesn't know where he stands yet.

After this he takes a long shower. He lets the hot water hit every part of his body and drown his thoughts and clear up his tiredness. And when he returns to the room he finds some messages from Eliott along with an address that said, take a cab there. It's a bit far and it wouldn't be good for you to get lost.

He has no choice but to do what he is told, not without first answering with a, I hope it's worth it.

And that was all that was repeated on the way to the place where Eliott had summoned him that day. He had no problem taking a cab when all he had to do was ask the hotel receptionist if he could call one and he also had no problem showing the cab driver the place when all he had to do was say a name and the gentleman would seem to know it quite well. The trip only took about forty-five minutes because of the traffic. Apparently it was a place that was quite popular with tourists and Lucas was already beginning to get impatient so he decided at the last minute that he was going to walk the last two streets. And he couldn't get lost that time, not when the Basilica was so huge that it could be seen from a much greater distance, and it also didn't take him long to find Eliott when the boy was quite tall and could be distinguished from the other people around him.

He was sitting on one of the benches on the road that led to some high steps that led to the entrance of that huge place. Lucas crossed the road without losing sight of Eliott who had his elbows resting on his knees, his whole body bent and his face was in profile looking to his right. Lucas could have seen that face anywhere, even if he could tell it apart. His hair was disheveled, his arms were uncovered by a sleeveless shirt, his black pants had holes in his knees and his boots only made his body look much taller.

At some point Eliott turns his face feeling the presence of other eyes on him and his serious face is replaced by a smile that shows his white teeth and his eyes that wrinkle until they become small. Lucas has to bite his lip hard so he doesn't smile in the same stupid way. God, I had only met him two days - not against his previous history - yet it felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest at any moment. Why did it feel so good to be around him? As if he didn't have to worry so much, so easy, so light, so comfortable, so himself, and no one had ever felt that way even with Harve that he still had to watch his step with him before speaking or saying anything, but with Eliott not, it was as if he could see through him and didn't give him a chance to hide.

"Was it worth it?" was the first thing Eliott asked him when he was in front of him.

Lucas lifts his shoulders a little before dropping them. "You tell me, is it going to be worth it?"

Eliott's smile grew bigger and he lowered his hands to grab something that was resting next to him and handed it to Lucas. It is a coffee container that Lucas drinks without protest, but when he takes the first sip Eliott's laughter fills his ears and Lucas tilts his head sending him a cold and unfunny look. "Don't you know about coffee?"

"Yes, but this is much better than that." Eliott counters him even without erasing his funny face.

Lucas lets out a little moan as he brings his nose closer to the container trying to register some known smell. "What is it?"

"Amaretto." Eliott responds, taking a sip from his own container. "I swallowed something else too." And he moves out of his seat, opening up some space for Lucas to sit next to him.

Lucas is trapped between Eliott's body and tries to leave some space between him and the woman sitting on the other side of the bench.

Eliott opens a white bag and puts it in his lap while he examines the inside and then with his right hand he manages to pull out what looks like a croissant, but it is not, it is much smaller than that. He gives it to him carefully rolled up in a napkin that Lucas undoes. It is a yellow bread that looks crisp and is still hot even though, Lucas imagines, it has been there for a long time along with the tea that is already much warmer than hot.

Lucas takes the first bite of his food and can't help but let out a little moan of pleasure as he feels the combination of bread and chocolate melting on his tongue and rising to his palate. He had never tasted anything like that before and wasn't even sure if that was breakfast, but Lucas could already tell that that was all he would have for breakfast from now on.

"Do you like it?" Eliott asks him, taking Lucas out of his thoughts, and Lucas meets the boy who now smiles expectantly at his final verdict.

Lucas can only nod his head in excitement which makes Eliott laugh again and he does the same as Lucas tasting his own food. Lucas frowned and inspected the inside of the bread. Yes, it was chocolate there and also some almonds?

"This is a Napolitana." And then Eliott says something in French that Lucas can't quite grasp, but he doesn't mind. Now the smile on his face cannot be erased for the rest of the day. It's amazing how even a good meal could make things better or make everything look better, Lucas sighs with happiness and lowers his eyes again to the Napolitana in front of him to continue to devour. "It's a French meal."

"And I thought the French people only ate bread and cheese." Lucas jokingly says to him that Eliott makes a little grimace by tilting his head to the side as if he were considering the situation.

"A little stereotyped, but yes, sometimes we eat more than that." Eliott also tells him in a funny tone taking his tea container to his lips for a drink. "You don't have to listen to everything you see on TV or hear."

"Oh, wow so I don't have to pay attention to the guy who told me I could be kidnapped because of my size." Lucas raises his eyebrow waiting for some answer from Eliott.

The older boy shakes his head and keeps chewing his food. "No, that guy sounds like he cares about you, you should pay attention to what he says."

Lucas pushes the boy's shoulder against his own which almost makes Eliott fall off the bench, but he managed to stretch his leg and put his foot on the firm ground preventing his whole body from falling sideways. "Hey, is this how you pay me a good breakfast?"

He lets out a puff that is drowned out by half a laugh. "It's the least you can do for me." Lucas takes the last bite of Neapolitan. "You still owe me three coffees."

"THREE!?" Eliott answers with his eyes and mouth equally open in surprise. "Yesterday there were only two, if I remember correctly."

Lucas finishes moving his hands in front of him trying to remove the bread crumbs that were stuck to his fingers. "Yes, but every day I go without coffee in my system is another one for your wallet."

"I should have listened." Eliott denies with his head pretending to be disappointed while lowering his face down. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted the French Americans."

Lucas bites his lower lip trying to avoid the smile that is beginning to mark his face. "I thought you weren't supposed to listen to what others were saying."

Eliott gets up from the bench and shakes his hands with his pants, and bends down a bit, taking his backpack with one hand and putting it on his shoulders. "Yes, and I don't change what I said, but it's up to you to change my mind."

Lucas can only roll his eyes before he does the same thing as the older boy and follows in his footsteps. The place was huge, very big, he had seen bigger things before, but this was majestic, beautiful, so elegant and imposing, but at the same time it was something Lucas could have seen for so long and never get bored of seeing. The whole structure, the giant dome of a color not white but of a particular color that made the sky look like a place on earth.

"The Basilica of the Sacred Heart of Jesus." Eliott tells him the name, but Lucas doesn't look at him. His eyes continue to see how the Basilica grows in size with every step they take. "I hope I said the name right."

Lucas turns his face to look at him with a scowl. "I thought there were more Basilicas with that name."

Eliott doesn't look at him, but Lucas can see a ghost smile in the corner of the corner of his mouth. "Yes, there are, but this is the one from Paris. It was built about a hundred years ago, actually they started building it much more, but it took them a while to finish it".

"And who designed it?" Lucas asks him curiously.

Eliott turns his face looking at him with his eyes closed. "I don't know, my historical knowledge doesn't go that far" Lucas laughs at the boy's answer and his serious face. "but I think he had several architects".

"Do you believe? My God, what a lousy tour guide." Eliott raises his hand, raising his middle finger as well, the only thing that makes Lucas' laughter rise higher and he has to cover his mouth.

Both climb some steps that leave Lucas almost shaking in the corner when he raises his face and finds more stairs in front of him. All right, he either didn't see those things or ignored them completely because there is no way a normal human being can climb that many steps. And suddenly Lucas’ legs shook more. He feels Eliott's eyes on him and he turns his face around to find a big, funny smile on Eliott's lips.

"I hate you so much, I swear." Lucas tells him in the coldest, most scathing tone of voice possible but Eliott's smile doesn't wipe off, the boy just shrugs and shakes his head indicating that they are following the path.

"Come on, it's only a couple hundred steps." The younger boy listens in the distance and lets out a small gasp as he hears the number of steps he must climb with his legs which are actually quite short.

I will never get there. Lucas thinks as he takes a deep breath and begins to climb, trying to reach the older boy who is already about ten steps ahead of him. The place is pretty crowded for a Monday morning. Full of tourists taking pictures, people sitting on the steps, another one speaking in different languages, Lucas recognized Spanish, English and a little Portuguese in the distance, but his eyes and mind were focused on his feet that kept moving under him. He knew this would hurt later, but he tried to ignore it, tried to swallow his heavy saliva and ignore the burning that was beginning to take place behind his calves and the heat that his feet were feeling. But finally they arrived, after what felt like an eternity.

Lucas reached what appeared to be the entrance to the Basilica and his lungs were burning like never before. He felt so dizzy from the heat, the morning sun now warming the front of his face and little drops of sweat were rolling down his back and down the temples of his face. And when Lucas looks at Eliott and only finds the older boy smiling with his chest rising and falling rapidly, but looking as cool as he did a few minutes ago down there before he climbed those two hundred steps, it only made Lucas feel dizzier. Lucas lets out a snort and moves next to Eliott who has to grab him by the wrist quickly so his body doesn't lean in another direction.

"Are you okay?" Eliott asks him with his forehead now taut and his right hand resting on his cheek.

"Yes, I'm fine." It takes a little longer for Lucas to recover, but he swallows his saliva and moves Eliott's hand away from his skin to walk to some surface where he can recover.

Eliott still sits him next to Lucas on a firm surface. Lucas leans on his arms, turning his back and letting the sun and air hit him in the face just enough to get the energy he needs.

"Was this another place my grandfather visited?" Lucas asks Eliott, he closes his eyes and lets the noise of the people, the footsteps, the words, the heat, all disappear from around him and concentrates on his breathing and the closeness of Eliott who is just a few inches away from him.

"Yes, I recognized it in one of the pictures." Eliott tells him in a slow voice, Lucas opens his eyes and meets Eliott who has his arms behind the back of his head and his face raised, looking at the statues and the whole structure of the Basilica. He wets his lips and then turns around leaning his face to the side. "Come on, let's take the picture before we go in."

Lucas follows Eliott, who is now a few feet away from him, and points out a place where he should be placed, to which Lucas can only pucker the corners of his lips and do as he is told. He raises the corners of his lips upwards, letting a small smile reveal itself from the side while he listens in the distance, above the voices of the people, to the sound of Eliott's camera that shoots to capture the image of Lucas standing in front of the great Basilica.

When Lucas approaches him and notices Eliott's body heading toward the large structure, Lucas cannot help but pick up the larger boy's wrist, stopping his pace. His pulse is pounding much faster and a huge knot settles in his chest causing his lungs to feel tighter and it's getting harder to breathe, his breathing is a little heavy and fast and a thin layer of sweat runs down the back of his neck to his upper back. Lucas finds Eliott's worried eyes now examining him closely. Before the tallest boy speaks, Lucas steps forward.

"Do we have to go in?" Lucas asks in the calmest tone of voice he could manage to get out of the back of his throat, but he fails at the end when his lower lip quivers a little and Eliott catches on.

Eliott approaches him, taking his hands in his own, forcing Lucas to look him in the eye. "Are you all right?"

Lucas nods slowly and then lets the air out as his eyes drop down to his shoes. "It's just that," he bites his lower lip before raising his eyes again. Eliott's forehead is furrowed and his lips are half open. "I'm not a fan of religious places."

Eliott's thumbs carefully caress Lucas’ knuckles and he bows his face, silently implying that he understood. "We don't have to go in if you don't want to."

Eliott releases his hands and instead wraps one of his arms around Lucas’ shoulder in a half embrace until both sit on one of the higher steps of the road to the side to avoid being pushed by people. There are many more people now climbing the steps and Lucas tries to concentrate on calming his breathing, on getting all the pure air his lungs can hold and trying to erase the sick feeling of dizziness and the memory of the smell of incense flooding his senses. He closes his eyes and for some seconds he lets himself lean on Eliott's body that remains static by his side, letting Lucas rest and recover. Soon all the fear turns to shame. He did not want Eliott to see him like this. Even though Eliott had not said anything for a few minutes and his eyes never showed anything like grief, Lucas could feel the silence growing and the gray eyes full of worry were perhaps pity.

Lucas, swallows dry and separates from Eliott leaving his body straight next to the older boy. "I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of these things."

It is a vague apology, very vague indeed. Almost like a silly excuse that a child with little imagination could invent in a desperate moment. Self-hatred was growing with every passing second and the desire to run, hide and never look back was becoming more and more impossible to hide. Lucas was quietly repeating how ridiculous he was when Eliott's slow, reassuring words interrupted him in mid-sentence.

"It's okay, Lucas, you don't have to apologize." Eliott turns his face to meet Lucas' profile. He couldn't do the same. He couldn't face those gray eyes full of so many: Poor guy, is he going to have another anxiety attack? "I'm not that much of a believer either."

Lucas turns his face too and looks into Eliott's eyes which are much softer than before, his forehead is relaxed and his lips are forming a straight line. "No? No one in your family?"

He lifts his right shoulder a little while leaning his face in a small shrug. "I guess dad has a religion, but I don't, I was never baptized and I never went to Mass." Eliott explains. "But I think I'd like to, I've always been attracted to the idea of faith and believing in something we can't see." He gives him a short, shy smile as he says the latter as if it were a secret of what he is ashamed to say out loud. "Something powerful that is above us in caring for us or guiding us."

Lucas frowned a little and lowered his eyes to Eliott's hands, which now passed nervously over his pants. "Why haven't you ever done it? There are courses for that." He suggests with a joking tone to try to lighten all that weight in the air.

Eliott didn't smile or laugh, on the contrary, his lips were pursed a little and he denied with his head quickly. "No, I don't want to force things. Everyone is always talking about it being a call or something that is born, I want it to come from here," he points to his chest with his index finger. "and not from here" and then he takes that same finger to his head pointing where his temple is.

He bites his lower lip when he hears what Eliott had told him. "Yes, I understand."

Lucas turns his face again, looking at him. The city was so big. A wave of buildings, houses and monuments like the one behind him, rose in front of them. It was incredible how a city that on a map could look so simple, plain or even small, actually had so much to give and offer to its visitors. It had the power to make you feel so small, but not in a terrifying way but as if it was telling you: Come, this is my world and you are part of it for now. For now.

Lucas shakes off those thoughts and refocuses on what he wanted to say to Eliott.

"My mom used to take me to mass all the time every day. If not in the morning, then in the afternoon or evening."

Eliott emits what sounds like a gasp that sounds more like a short complaint. "That must have been boring, that's why you don't believe in God?"

He laughs a little along with all the air he had been holding in his lungs. "No, I'm not sure." Lucas stops a little to think about it, but instead he meets Eliott's eyes again, which are looking at him with great curiosity. "Our relationship is complicated." He says finally because it's the only thing he can think of so far, because he does know why his relationship with God is so rough but he wouldn't find a way to explain it and he also doesn't yet feel comfortable sharing that kind of information with Eliott. Not with him or anyone around him except his family.

"And you haven't wanted to repair that relationship?" Eliott asks him carefully, lowering his eyes to Lucas' face.

Lucas swallows again as he becomes aware of Eliott's closeness to him and how the knot that had become embedded in his gut was beginning to loosen little by little and being replaced by a more pleasant warmth. He laughed again but this time with much more joy than before. "I don't think God likes having a gay man like me on his side so much."

Eliott's eyebrows gathered and his face became a much more serious mask than Lucas had ever seen before. "Why do you say that? I don't know that God is supposed to love you for who you are."

Lucas shrugs off Eliott's eyes now, his look was getting a little heavy and the conversation was not going the way he expected. "That's not what the church says."

Lucas hears a little sigh coming from Eliott that his face relaxes again and his shoulders sink down. "You said it, the church" he raises his eyebrow a little. "But what about Him?"

The corners of Lucas’ lips are raised in a smile that Eliott instantly reciprocates. "For someone who doesn't really believe, you know a lot about Him."

Eliott captures his lower lip between his teeth and looks down trying to hide himself from Lucas' funny eyes. "Just what I've heard." He responds carefully before meeting Lucas' glowing face again. He feels much lighter and much calmer. How could Eliott always find a way to get inside him without him noticing? How could it sometimes be easy to talk to him about things that would be difficult with others? Why him?

"I guess I'll have to ask his opinion when I meet him." Lucas jokes and Eliott just laughs his head off.

Silence slowly appears next to them. Lucas bites his lower lip looking at the profile of Eliott who now finds himself looking at the city and then does the same, following his eyes and concentrating on the tranquility that seeing the celestial sky and the white buildings that rise in front of them offers him. And then, again, Eliott's words interrupt that peace by asking in a low voice.

"Does your mother still go to church?"

Lucas could feel that Eliott was not saying it in a bad way as if he meant it badly, no, it was simply a curiosity, a question that had been left on the tip of his lips and he examined it carefully before saying it. At another time Lucas could have avoided that question or become defensive, but now he was tired, maybe Eliott was right, it was easier to be honest with a stranger - well, almost a stranger now - besides that it was Eliott. It was time to accept that it was better to let go with him and stop hiding so much, there were still things he couldn't talk about, but it was okay to say enough. Let go. I had to take advantage of this opportunity enough.

"I think so, I don't know, we haven't talked much." Lucas says with some insecurity because it is true, he doesn't know what his mother does now. "Another relationship that is not on the best of terms." Lucas says again in jest, but also fails because there is not a hint of fun in his tone and the grimace at the end gives him away completely.

The look of apology that fills Lucas’ face with shame never comes, Eliott simply nods slowly. "I'm sorry." He says carefully.

Lucas shrugs his shoulders trying to play down the issue. He says, "Don't worry. It's mostly my fault." Eliott's eyebrow raises a little in a quietly asked question. Lucas lowers his eyes to his hands that now rest on his lap and move a little bit in a nervous way that he hadn't noticed. "After Harve's parents adopted me, I simply walked away from her."

"You didn't tell me they adopted you." Eliott tells him, to which Lucas moistens his lips with his tongue.

"No?" Lucas asks him in confusion because he really didn't remember if he had mentioned it before or had only imagined it. "Well, they've been my parents for about 13 years. My mother was not in the best condition to take care of me."

"And she knows?" Eliott asks again. His calm tone made Lucas’ racing pulse slow down as well. He did the same thing the older boy did recently and raised his eyebrow in a silent question that Eliott understands. "That you are gay."

He opens and closes his mouth several times before answering Eliott's question. "No, she doesn't know. I don't think it's something she should know, it's better that way. I wouldn't want things to get more complicated than they already are."

Eliott's eyes fall a few seconds before they meet again. "Yes, I understand you." Lucas follows the way Eliott's Adam's apple rises and falls as he swallows. "My relationship with my dad has never been the same since I told him I was pansexual a few years ago."

Lucas could feel his eyes suddenly going out of his orbit, but he bit his lower lip, raising his eyes to follow the profile of Eliott's nose and tracing the curve with his eyes to the tip where he could also hear Eliott's slow breathing. Lucas puts his hand on the ladder trying to hold on tightly to something solid before everything inside him shoots out of his body.

"He-" Lucas finally asks after a long silence, but Eliott denies with a slightly scowling frown.

"No, he loves me." Eliott keeps silent before continuing to talk. "He loves me very much, he has been there for me and has taken care of me and supported me even when he did not agree with my decisions, but this was different." Eliott's eyes become so distant and for the first time Lucas did not see any hint of happiness or glow that he always managed to find in those gray eyes that he had begun to enjoy seeing. "We didn't talk for weeks and when we finally did he never mentioned it again, it's like he doesn't reject me, but he's not happy at all either, you know? It feels like there's a barrier there."

Eliott was struggling to find the words and Lucas understood very well what he meant. He, too, had been through something similar when his father found out he was gay. So Lucas ventured out to help Eliott explain what he was feeling. "As a condition?"

"Mh could say so, yes." Eliott nods slowly looking a little more relieved. "Like you can do it, but not in front of me or not tell me."

"I do know what it is." Lucas says in a low voice without daring to look him in the eye, but Eliott wasn't looking at him either. His eyes were lost somewhere in the city.

"I've only had one serious relationship with my ex-girlfriend from high school. We started dating when we were about sixteen and it wasn't the best relationship in the world. She and I would break up and then we would come back, it was always come and go. And after I told my dad about my sexuality he would always ask me about her, if she and I broke up, he would always tell me to look for her or call her and try to get her and me to work things out. It's like he expects that part of me not to come out or just to be that, a part that I can never show to the world." Eliott's voice sounded lower and lower, more muffled and full of regret and sadness. A sharp and distant pain appears in Lucas’ chest and the desire to extend his hand and take Eliott's hand in his was very great, but Lucas does not let go, he does not move. Instead he tries to ease that feeling and let Eliott know that he is not alone.

"It's like your sexuality is only in words." Lucas wasn't asking him, he was affirming it and Eliott finally looked him in the eye. Lucas holds his gaze and doesn't look away until he gives him a little sideways smile that Eliott doesn't refuse.

"What about your family? How did Harve's parents take it?” Eliott asks lightly, and Lucas has to bite his lower lip to keep from laughing too hard.

He tries to suppress his smile more, but with little success, and Eliott's curious look only gets more and more acute. "My mother found out because the mother of the boy I was kissing told her."

Eliott's mouth opens in surprise and is quickly replaced by a smile. "Nooo."

Lucas nods with enthusiasm and can't stop laughing as he recalls all the events that took place so long ago but were still so funny to him. Well, at the time it wasn't much fun, but now he remembered them with a sense of happiness. Like something he could talk to his brother about and he would always roll his eyes telling him what an idiot he had been.

"Yes, Harve knew I liked the boy. He's known I was gay since I was about 12 years old, I told him once that he was mad at me for some stupid thing and I told him so that he would forgive me." Lucas thinks about it a bit, looking for a way to explain it. "A little bribe. And this guy was like one of the _popular ones_ we had a hard time getting close to him until one day he invited us to his house and Harve told me I had to try, but I was very nervous and when he and I were left alone, I forgot where we were and kissed him in the kitchen. His mom came in and screamed at the top of her lungs."

Lucas could still remember in the distance the scream that sounded more like a wounded animal, the dark eyes, the open nose as if she was trying to take all the air out of the place to drown Lucas, the strong hands that separated the boy from him and after that all Lucas could remember was a strong shiver of fear and Harve's hands dragging him to the door while a loud voice followed them closely.

"It can't be." Eliott tells him as he drowns out his laughter with his hand over his mouth.

Lucas nods again, while following Eliott's eyes, which were getting smaller and smaller and his cheeks were pink. "Yes, she told me to stay away from her son because I was a threat to him and that I was going to hell." Lucas stops and Eliott's laughter slowly falls, clearing his throat. "Anyway, my mother found out from her."

"What did your mom do?"

Lucas twists his lip into a small grimace. "That is another matter. She got into a fight with some moms at school and basically told them to go fuck themselves. But we never talked about it, she never gave me the typical speech of: I love you, you're my son, that doesn't change the way I see you, I still love you, she just moved on. She didn't take much notice of it."

Eliott sighs short and his hand passes through his messy hair. "That's good."

"Yes." He smiles a little in response which makes Eliott relax again but the heat on his cheeks does not disappear completely. "Harve's father was another reaction. He didn't talk about it either, but I understood that his silence wasn't like my mom's, it was a colder silence."

"A silent rejection." This time it was Eliott's turn to let him know that he understood what he was talking about and Lucas was also relieved that he had finally found someone who understood what he was talking about and didn't react as he would have expected others to do.

He slowly nods again twice before continuing to speak. "Somehow he found comfort in knowing that at least I was not his biological son."

He could still remember those during his mother's comings and goings from school to home or the calls she answered before heading to the room and hiding so Lucas or Harve could hear her fighting with the parents or even her husband. That he, on the other hand, was just shaking his head, carrying his fingers and squeezing the bridge of his nose in exhaustion, excusing himself from the table saying he had work to do, not speaking to Lucas for days and only doing so when necessary. But he would never forget those words, those six words that Lucas did not expect to hear and that he said one night to his wife in the study of their house when they thought the children were in their room sleeping: At least he is not ours. He didn't wait to hear his mother's answer; he had had enough for that day.

"It's a piece of shit." Eliott says in a short, cold voice, his eyes are much harder and the line he forms in his mouth is so fine and straight.

Lucas contracts his commissure. "It is what it is."

Eliott's jaw softens a bit and his eyes become soft again, the dark gray color returns to a faint gray that could easily be confused with a green. "Did you see the boy you kissed again?"

Lucas' smile appears on his face along with a small laugh. "Hell no, his parents took him out of that school as if I was going to give him leprosy."

Eliott shakes his head, but still with a huge smile on his lips that went straight to Lucas’ chest. "What an asshole."

"You learn to live with that part of people." He tells him without trying to put too much stock in the words, because it was true, he had learned not to take it so seriously and to avoid having other people's comments about his sexuality affect him when he was happy with who he was and that was all he cared about. He had already punished himself a lot those years he was locked in the closet and he was tired of feeling bad just because he likes men.

"It shouldn't be like that." Eliott begins to tell him, and just then his cell phone in his right pocket begins to vibrate and make a sound that Lucas recognizes as an incoming call. Eliott manages to get his cell phone out by moving away from him a little bit, he looks at the screen and his face doesn't show much expression when he looks at it. "Just..." Eliott lifts his finger as if to indicate that it will only take a minute.

Eliott gets up from his seat and walks slowly from the left to Lucas' right without going too far. The conversation he is having at that moment is in French and his eyes are fixed on his shoes as he takes small steps. Lucas pulls out his own cell phone to distract himself and realizes that it is past twelve o'clock and that he has been out of the Basilica with Eliott for a long time. And as usual, time slips through his fingers and he doesn't even remember feeling it happen that fast. The older boy gives him a little smile of apology, but Lucas simply denies it slowly, saying with his lips: It's okay.

After about three minutes Eliott finally hangs up putting his cell phone back in his pocket and taking his backpack to put it on his shoulders.

"Excuse me, my boss wants me to go cover another employee's shift." Eliott apologizes with his eyebrows together in a look that said how much he regretted the situation he had been presented with. "I wanted you to at least see the inside of the Basilica, but I have to go."

Lucas also stands one step above Eliott, and hides his hands in the front pockets of his pants. "It's okay, don't worry."

Suddenly Eliott's eyes light up with something hidden along with a small smile that gradually spreads over his face. "Do you want to come?" Eliott finally asks and comes a little closer to him by raising his hand. "I mean; you can take some DVDs if you want unless you have something else to do." The look of apology returns along with a little insecurity that makes his smile wobble for a moment.

Lucas lowers his chest, letting out a little of the air that had been squeezing his lungs since Eliott proposed that plan. And he approaches Eliott, too, staying on the same step. "No, I'm free."

The smile of happiness reappears on Eliott's face along with that relief he was already beginning to identify. His shoulders dropped and so did his chest. "Good."

Both began to descend the first steps of the place when Lucas visualized something big and white sliding from the other side of the Basilica. He squints and then his eyes open along with his mouth, his body turns around to Eliott and his hand hits him on the arm of the larger boy. He lets out a gasp of surprise and pain, but Lucas does not give him time to talk.

"Damn it, Eliott, you didn't tell me there were elevators." The younger boy grunts with a scowl.

Eliott caresses his arm where Lucas' blow fell and his lower lip falls a little bit making a little pout. "And miss the experience of climbing 200 steps? Of course not." The boy says, extending his arms forward, pointing to the view.

Lucas rolls his eyes and continues to walk beside Eliott as he descends. "I hate you." He declares it without daring to look him in the eye.

Eliott laughs softly and pushes his arm against Lucas' shoulder. "You've made that clear enough." He tells him in a funny tone that Lucas doesn't share with him. He concentrates on the road so as not to bump into anyone who is going up or down near them. The sun was much higher and stronger than it was a few hours ago and when they both reached the end of the street a greater distance from the Basilica, Eliott pulls out his cell phone and types a few things before a car stops about two meters away from the two of them. He and Eliott get into the uber that takes them to the street where the older boy pays for the ride. The store is not that big. It has big windows that allow people to see the interior full of movies, the walls are white with some banners full of numbers and letters in French. In one of the windows there is a huge title that has the number twelve thousand and below it says the word: Films.

Lucas turns his face to look at Eliott over his shoulder until he stands next to him facing the store. "Is this where you work?"

"Yes, an elegant place full of class." Eliott gives him a big smile, but he is not looking at Lucas, he is smiling at him at the entrance of the small place with his hands extended forward as if he was showing him the most valuable thing in the world.

A small smile that spread all over Lucas' face. "I could not expect anything less."

Eliott places his hand on his shoulder and pushes him forward a little to his side, walking to the entrance of the room where he opens the door, letting Lucas enter before him. And yes, the place wasn't that big but it wasn't that small either, maybe if it wasn't so full of movies and things around it could be more spacious, but Lucas suspected that that was what he was looking for in a place like this, a more welcoming and familiar atmosphere that would allow his customers to feel comfortable and at ease while they were looking for their favorite movies. A place where they can be themselves and share what they love with others.

"You can go get any movie you want." Eliott tells him before he turns around and heads down the hall. "George Miller's filmography is over there."

Lucas lets out a little snort before turning on his feet and heading towards where Eliott indicated a few seconds ago. There are so many movies, so many that his eyes do not really know where to look. There are titles that he manages to recognize, but others that he never heard of, and Lucas decides that he is simply going to leave for what he knows best. He is concentrated watching the cover of one of the DVDs when from a distance he could hear some voices speaking in French and one of them was Eliott's, his laughter, a few murmurs, Eliott responds with a few yes's in French until the door of the premises emits another sound to announce the entry or exit of someone.

Lucas takes the two films he had chosen a few minutes ago and then leans over the cash register where Eliott had been typing on the computer with his teeth stuck over his lower lip.

"Now what?" Lucas asks him as he rests his arms on the table and stretches a bit to see over whatever Eliott is doing now.

Eliott's teeth release his lip to release a small smile that looks more like a grimace. "Now I sit here for ten hours until my shift is over."

Lucas hums as he slowly nods, Eliott's smile gets wider and that little twinkle in his eye appears again. "Important work I see."

Eliott says a short sip that explodes on his lips with a little pop. "A lot, sometimes I have to stop guys like you from ending up spending your time watching George Miller movies."

He opens his lips while raising his eyebrows upward without losing sight of that funny look Eliott is throwing at him. "The best director in the world, you might say."

Eliott's smile only got bigger and Lucas managed to see the tip of his tongue being crushed between his teeth. "Who hurt you so much that you say such things?"

Lucas rolls his eyes in response and he is ready to throw out some sarcastic or scathing comment when suddenly from the entrance door a sound of bells opening again. The boy who has just entered is much taller than either Lucas or Eliott, even taller than the two of them combined. He is dark-skinned, his hair is thin and oval and his face is thin like his whole body. The boy goes directly to the cash register where he talks to Eliott at an incredible speed and his hands move up and down gesturing whatever he is saying to Eliott. Lucas looks between the boy who is clearly unaware of his presence, and Eliott who looks as dismayed as he is saddened by the whole situation.

At some point the tall boy follows Eliott's eyes that are telling Lucas, "I'm sorry," and he stops when he sees Lucas right next to him. His hands fall and his mouth opens to tell Eliott something again, which the boy answers with his head bowed and his eyes closed.

"Lucas this is Idriss, Idriss this is Lucas." Eliott introduces them both speaking again in English and pointing with the palm extended to each one while saying the other's name.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't know Eliott had any other friends besides us." Idriss says to Lucas with a smile that brings out his white teeth. "I'm sorry because my English is very bad." He apologizes by lifting one side of his upper lip in a small grimace.

Lucas quickly denies, giving Idriss a reassuring smile. "No, it's okay." He looks at Eliott and then at his friend and then steps back, pointing his thumb somewhere over his shoulder. "I'm going to take the DVD."

He manages to capture a small smile of appreciation from Eliott before turning around and returning to the hallway where he had been before. He stayed there for at least five more minutes, the conversation seemed pretty lively even though he couldn't understand a single word they were saying or well, he could understand some words, but the whole context, the speed with which they were saying the sentences, everything made his brain feel bruised and tired, maybe it wasn't as if it was something he should be interested in. It wasn't until he heard some laughter and Idriss' voice pounding on the table with enthusiasm that Lucas dared to come out of hiding with another DVD case in his hand.

Idriss was halfway through walking backwards and look at Lucas with a rather contagious smile. "Goodbye, Lucas, it was nice to meet you." He makes a little wave with the hand that Lucas reciprocates.

They both wait for Idriss to be out before Lucas returns to his original place with his elbow on the cash register table and Eliott's eyes now watching him expectantly.

"What's that?"

Eliott lets out a small sigh as his shoulders drop down. "He needed help with his girl."

Lucas moves his face a bit, letting his eyebrows meet in an expression of doubt, but also fun. "Romantic advice?"

"Not really, my experience doesn't give me much to be useful in that sense." Eliott lowers his eyes and the corners of his lips rise in a shy smile.

Lucas follows him with his eyes and then leaves the other DVD on the table with the others, in front of Eliott. "These are."

Eliott takes the DVDs in his hands by examining the titles. He makes a sound that sounds like a pained gasp. "Lucas, you urgently need classes to improve those movie tastes." He takes the other two DVDs and his eyes meet his own. Lucas is giving him what he hopes will be the best satisfied look. "This one's not so bad."

"See?" Lucas tells him at the same time that his arms are crossed again on the table and his feet are tiptoed. "You have to stop judging me so much." He is about to put his hand in his back pocket when Eliott puts his hand on his arm and stops him.

"No, it's my treat." Eliott turns his eyes in response to Lucas' skeptical gaze. "Come on, I have an employee discount I hardly use."

Lucas relaxes by dropping his hand to return to his previous posture, reaching for the DVDs that Eliott has stored in a white bag. "Well, I'll leave you to your important and busy work." Lucas tells him in a sarcastic tone that Eliott does not lose.

"Of course I do." He responds by raising his shoulders back in mock importance.

Lucas smiles as he sees his posture and his smaller eyes because of the strength in which he is smiling. "Is this better than being a waiter?"

"A thousand times better when I don't have a customer yelling at me for a mistake he made."

Eliott defends himself by remembering the incident that led them both to meet, but Lucas can only throw his best look at him from a few friends. Lucas is about to leave when a thought crosses his mind quickly preventing him from going his way. He moistens his lips and finally bites his lower lip trying to get up the courage to ask what just rolled through his mind. "I never asked you why you did it."

"Pretending to be a waiter?" Eliott says slowly to what Lucas nods in the same way. "I wanted to talk to you." Lucas can feel his forehead tighten until his eyebrows form a frown, so Eliott continues to explain. "I saw you come into the cafeteria and you caught my eye so I got my coffee and came over to you."

Lucas’ eyebrows relax as does his jaw, allowing his mouth to open in surprise. "How did you know I was-"

Eliott shrugs his shoulders, leaving his arms now resting on the cash register leaning forward. "I didn't know."

Lucas’ jaw is still loose but his mouth opens and closes several times until his mind works enough to formulate coherent words. "Just throw yourself into the void?"

His voice sounds so incredulous to his ears and Eliott must have heard them too because his shy smile grew as Lucas’ face revealed the implications of those words. Lucas understood, Eliott had wanted to flirt with him and maybe he was still doing it, it hadn't been his imagination. All those light touches, those smiles, those words, the invitations, everything, did Eliott like him? Did he still feel that way after everything that had happened, everything Lucas had said to him? He doubted it, but still the impact of that sentence, to think that Eliott - someone like Eliott - had been attracted to him in that way for at least a while. It was a lot. Not that Lucas doubted his physique, but someone like Eliott was impossible.

"The one who does not risk does not win, right?" Eliott tells him, in a half joking and serious tone, managing to get Lucas out of his thoughts.

And after that his thoughts turned to another path. One that caused Lucas’ stomach to shrink with worry and his mouth to close because of how heavy his tongue felt.

His eyebrows rise up and his chest drops as he lets go of the air he had been holding in since he received the answer to his sudden question. "Eliott, you could have run into a homophobe and ended up in serious trouble."

Eliott's Adam's apple goes up and down again slowly. "At least I would have tried."

Lucas has to clench his jaw and look away before he feels ready to meet Eliott's eyes again. "What an idiot. Don't ever do that again."

"In fact, I'm not interested in doing it anymore."

Lucas carefully walks over Eliott's face and the half of his body that is not hidden behind the table before speaking again. "Why?"

"Because I just wanted to do it with you" Eliott tells him quite simply before a little smile full of something that Lucas had seen before, but hadn't understood until now, appears on his face. "And it worked."

Lucas has to give himself a mental slap so that his head comes back to reality and his feet do not get off the ground. He lets out a snort and grabs the bag containing the DVDs harder. "How strange you are."

Eliott nods slowly but his smile doesn't disappear, it seems much more attentive, intense and spicy, and Lucas feels that at any moment he could come out of his own skin which now seems to feel a thousand times heavier and hotter. "And you like it?"

Lucas opens his mouth to respond when the entrance bell announces the entry of someone to the premises and at that moment he would not feel more identified with the phrase: Saved by the bell. And he is so grateful for this opportunity from the universe not to let him make a fool of himself or end up with either of them doing something stupid that, to be honest, he doesn't know if he is curious or afraid to find out. Lucas spins around on his feet meeting two girls who couldn't have been more than twenty years old lost in a French conversation as they both walk down a hallway near the door. Lucas does the same, he walks to the door, but he doesn't leave without saying goodbye to Eliott with a: I'll let you work.

And Eliott responded with a: Write to me when you get to your hotel. Let Lucas hear before the glass door closes behind him and his feet do not waste time crossing the street trying to put as much distance as possible between Eliott's body and his.

His feet move as if they have a life of their own and Lucas simply lets them take him wherever he needs to go. His mind keeps replaying the conversation he and Eliott just had and a tremendous shudder went around his entire body from the top of his spine to his toes. His head is spinning a thousand times at this moment, and no direction seems to be the right one or the one Lucas wants to go in for now but he still let’s go. He doesn't realize he is lost until he reaches the end of a dead-end street and that's when he decides to take a cab. He just need to tell the cab driver the name of the hotel so that he can get on his way and take him to his destination. The whole trip Lucas bites his lip and tries to distract himself by seeing what Paris is like in the afternoon. It is already much more than one o'clock and as usual all the Parisians are heading to eat or finish, but Lucas doesn't feel the slightest need to fill his stomach after that little breakfast and even less now that his insides are spinning around after hearing Eliott's statement about being attracted to him.

That's why when Lucas enters the hotel all he can do is lie down and try to sleep, but his mind is so alert. So many things happened in one day. Not only what happened in the movie theater but also in the Basilica. His almost anxiety attack when everything inside him twisted as he remembered the long nights he didn't sleep to accompany his mom in prayers or the strong smell of incense and other spices his mom left behind to _purify_ the house from evil spirits. Everything he said to Eliott about not feeling comfortable with religion, his mother, his sexuality, he suddenly became aware of how vulnerable he had become to Eliott and he never saw him as bad, pitiful or sad, he never said the typical words that others would say like: You should give your relationship with your mother another chance, later things will work out or everything will be better, I promise. No, he just sat there and listened to it, really listened to it and most importantly, understood it. They both shared so much. Eliott also opened up to him, he was also honest and let go of so much, did Eliott feel the same way? did he feel comfortable and good about talking about those things with Lucas? did he still feel attracted to Lucas?

His mind wandered for a longer time until he decided it was better to be distracted. He took his laptop that was resting on the table in the room - without first sending a quick message to Eliott saying: Put away your cavalry, I'm already at the hotel - and played one of the movies he had chosen at the video store. Soon, he doesn't remember when, his mind fell into a deep sleep until the sound of his cell phone vibrating on the night table wakes him up.

Lucas sits down at the table and takes his cell phone. The flickering light warns him that he has some messages to answer, but he doesn't want to do that. Waking up from his dream that is still haunting him he realizes that there is something he has wanted to do since he had that conversation with Eliott about his mother and after he thought about that question the older boy asked him, his relationship with his mother, the woman who had given him life and the woman who shared his first eight years of life before he had to part with her for the sake of both of them. Lucas bites hard on his lower lip until he can feel more than that emptiness that is settling very strongly in his chest. He picks up the phone in the room and asks the receptionist who answers it if an international call can be made. After a few words, a thank you and Lucas follows the girl's instructions, he is dialing the number that appears on his cell phone screen every time he is going to receive bad news.

It rings three times before a familiar voice answers the call. "Our Lord's Hospital, how can we help? "

Lucas releases the air he had been holding and humped his back leaving one of his elbows resting on his knee. "Hi, Melanie, I'm Lucas."

He can hear a small cry of surprise repressing itself on the other side of the line. "Lucas? For God's sake, you're missing. What have you done to yourself? Where are you calling from?"

"I'm on a trip, in fact, around Europe." Lucas can hear the scream again, but this time much louder and then some voices murmuring something, after a few complaints full of: Let it be, it is Lucas, yes, it is him. Then go and see for yourself, this is important from Melanie's side too; she turns her attention to the call.

" _Excuse me, Lucas, people here who can't do anything without me._ " She tells him in a serious tone, but he can also identify a little bit that smile she is holding on her face. "I hope you're having a great time. "

"Yes, thank you." Lucas lets a small smile appear on his lips before he gets out of bed and walks to the bedroom window. He is silent for a few seconds before doing what he had planned to do from the beginning. "I, uh, I wanted to see if I could talk to my mother." His voice sounds so uncertain now, and he knows that Melanie hears him as clearly as water.

She also keeps silent before sighing a little and speaking again with her slow and soft voice. The same voice she uses every time she has to inform him about some strong episode his mother is going through or some accident she has caused in the facility. " _Now is not a good time._ "

Lucas has to swallow hard the heavy knot that is beginning to form at the end of his throat. "How is she?"

" _She's doing better, it's been a bit of a rough day, but she's getting better little by little._ " Melanie's tone of voice doesn't change, but in the end her words sounded lighter and almost happy, those words were full of hope that he sometimes envied. How could you see that every day? The way people are so lost inside themselves, the way they hurt themselves or others, and still think everything will be okay. How could you trust so much after so many times? Maybe Eliott was right, faith is something that few can achieve and maybe he wasn't one of those lucky people. He couldn't, he was tired of waiting.

"How long has she been like that?" His voice drops lower and his hand clenches the phone tightly as his eyes follow the footsteps of people walking far from his room, people so oblivious to everything, people with their own problems and their own thoughts.

" _Mh, maybe three weeks ago or more._ " Melanie says, but she doesn't sound quite sure. " _But we've changed her medication and tried to get her out more, the walks have been very helpful at other times and that has distracted her._ " Lucas hears a short sigh of exhaustion from the other side and he realizes that maybe this hasn't been a very quiet day for Melanie. " _She was asking about you last time._ "

"What did she say?" Lucas bites his lower lip again with force, concentrating now on a man who is trying to start his motorcycle on the street sidewalk. Lucas already knew very well what his mother had been talking about, but he still needed to know. Still, he needed to know that he was trying.

" _Nothing important is the same as always. Nothing that can alarm you._ "

The same as always. Lucas knew that Melanie was trying to play it down, because that's what she always did. She never accused him of never going to see her, on the contrary, she always used that careful tone that could irritate him as much as make him feel a thousand times worse. Lucas has never told her that he hates that, that he hates being tried to protect him. And right now he's doing the latter. Now the hole in his chest was feeling emptier and deeper.

"Sorry I haven't been to see her yet." Lucas apologizes quietly and he has to blink many times to make the itch in the corners of his eyes disappear.

" _It's okay, Lucas, don't be so hard on yourself. We know it can be a lot._ " Those words couldn't mean anything more than: We don't judge you for coming to see her twice a year. They were words that often took away his sleep and plunged him into a sea of regret.

"I'll try to go see her when I get back." He rests his back on the wall of the room and lets his feet slip until his body rests on the carpet.

Lucas can feel Melanie's smile from the other side. A white smile with pink lips and dimples on the sides of her cheeks. " _Hopefully she'll be better by then. When are you coming back?_ "

"I'm not sure yet, in a week or less." He was grateful for the change of topic and was sure she had done so after feeling the tense, heavy air of the conversation.

" _Perfect, you have plenty of time to get me a souvenir and for your sake I hope it's something better than a simple magnet._ " She says to him in a joking and mischievous tone.

Lucas laughs a little, letting his chest relieve some of the pressure that was preventing him from breathing properly. "What do you want?"

" _Something that comes from your heart._ "

He runs his hand over his face and through his hair without erasing that smile from his lips. "You already have my appreciation, isn't that enough?"

Lucas tells her by pretending to be unworthy, but she simply snorts at her lips like a half laugh. " _Can I show it off? No, then make an effort Lallemant or don't you dare show up here._ "

Lucas shakes his head and laughs again. "Okay, lady." He answers her with the same tone she knew he used to make fun of the way she did her orders in the hospital. "Send her my regards when you can."

" _I will. Take care, Lucas._ " She assures him before he ends the conversation.

Lucas sits on the floor for a long time watching the shadows of the sun slowly disappear into the night. He fell asleep for more than four hours and that's much longer than he ever slept in a row. Quietly he was grateful that he had taken that long walk with Eliott, but it was not something he was going to tell the boy, ever. Lucas yawns a little before getting up and unlocking his cell phone to find a new message.

**Eliott**

**19:56**

shall we meet at the restaurant we went to last time at 10 am?

sounds good to me

i hope it's to pay for my coffees

are you always this hard?

i don't like to brag

oh god no, forget that

you said it, not me

you're not making me change my mind about you

you're not doing a very good job of bringing everything but coffee either

stop, drama queen

you started it

still at work?

yes, all bored here, you?

have you eaten?

do you have a strange food fetish or something?

no, maybe in a little while before we go out

where are you going so late?

to the club where we met the other night

fine, but eat first, i don't want to meet a dead body tomorrow

sure, mom

see you tomorrow

see you later

The truth is that he had no plans to go out to the club, drink, dance or flirt with any guy that would make him disappear for a few minutes, but neither did he want to stay locked up in the hotel. Besides, there was something else, something else there that Lucas was hoping to find. He goes to get ready and leaves the hotel on his way to his destination with the plan hanging around him. He walked through the streets of Paris with a little secret smile rising at the corner of his lips as he repeated to himself over and over: "Eliott might come looking for you, he might come looking for you and that will be, that will be enough to know." But also, like a devil sitting on his shoulder, a voice repeated to him: "Or he might never appear and that would mean everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So once again thank you for every comment, it really makes me very happy to know what you think and thank you for taking the time to read this story. This is this week's chapter, I hope you all have a nice day.


	5. Chapter 5

Lucas wakes up to the sound of his cell phone vibrating somewhere in the room and when he turns on his back a sharp pain sticks in his temples making his whole body stop suddenly, a pain runs all the way down his face to his neck. He does not remember well in what position he fell asleep in the early morning of that day, but it was not at all comfortable. Lucas moves a little to his left crawling out of bed, it takes all the strength in the universe to grope for his pants, which are right across the room almost near the door where he dropped them a few hours ago while he was quite busy sucking on someone else's mouth and in his mind there was no possibility that his future self would be cursing where he left his garment.

His cell phone finally stops ringing when he manages to find it in one of his trouser pockets. The screen warns him that he haves two missed calls from Eliott, no voice messages, but text messages. He swallows hard, but he can barely do it, his mouth is so dry and his tongue feels heavy over his mouth. God, he could kill himself for what he did the night before, but that would take so much effort now. Lucas opens the messages with his hand shaking from sudden vertigo that runs through his whole body.

**Eliott**

**07:34**

good morning, sleeping beauty. do you think you can get to the restaurant without getting lost?

**08:13**

i’m already here

**08:31**

already lost?

**08:55**

lucas?

okay, i was kidding

**09:24**

i'm not going to say i'm not worried

did you fall asleep?

if you do not answer then i will call the police, you are warned

**2 missed calls**

do you have to be this annoying so early in the day?

look who just woke up

i wasn't sleeping

no? is that why you don't answer the messages because you weren't sleeping?

i was getting ready

does it take you more than an hour to get ready and answer me?

i hate you so much

just admit that you fell asleep

it is not so difficult

or did you really get lost? is that it?

i didn’t loss

oh god lucas i can't believe this, it's not that far to the restaurant

leave me alone

it's too early for your stupidities

it's past nine in the morning

in fact, it's almost two hours later than we agreed

one hour and a half

an hour and a half where the waiters have already started to bet on whether my date will come or not

date?

are you coming or can i make my own bet too?

give me fifteen minutes

does it take you an hour and fifteen minutes to get ready?

it takes me longer like this, but you interrupted my morning routine

what a way to make me feel special

and you say you hate me

you have no idea

Lucas blocks his cell phone screen and falls on his back onto the carpet. His whole brain and body just want to sleep, but he can't, he doesn't dare to close his eyes because he knows that the second he does, his mind will play a trick on him and he will feel dizzier than before and along with the dizziness always comes the nausea and the pain will only get stronger and more acute. This will take him more than fifteen minutes and in reality it is like that, three more minutes of him meditating and trying to recover the little energy he has, two minutes to get to the bathroom and look for some aspirin that will calm the lights that appear in front of his eyes and the shaking of his body, five minutes to get into the shower, fifteen to take a bath and another fifteen to get ready. When Lucas is leaving the hotel with his legs still shaking and the knot in his stomach threatening to burst out.

It's already past ten in the morning. Two hours after the _date_ with Eliott. Date. That word made his stomach turn harder and his body dry up the second he read that word. He had asked Eliott, but he just ignored his message. And Lucas also ignored it by letting him lead the conversation elsewhere, but now that he was walking to the restaurant trying to pay attention to where he was walking - because the last thing he needed was to get lost now - all the events of the previous night and even of the day hit Lucas as if a road had just passed through him. He had written to Eliott about his plan because he was waiting for him to show up and Lucas did, he spent more than three hours abstaining from the intense look that a guy was throwing at him a few meters from the bar, but Lucas persevered and after the minutes got heavier Lucas realized that Eliott never promised him anything and it was stupid of him to expect anything from him at that moment. Lucas hated himself for a few seconds for not putting something clearer like an invitation, but there was no turning back, it was already done and when he opened his eyes again he was already trapped in someone else's arms.

And now he was there with that hangover throbbing every nerve in his head and causing the simple idea of food to make him retch, but he was also there walking at a slow pace to where Eliott was because seeing Eliott was always good, always made him feel good and all the physical pain was going to disappear when he saw that long smile and those kind gray eyes. Lucas just hoped that he would keep his jokes at bay until everything inside him was balanced properly.

When Lucas saw Eliott sitting at the table where they had eaten their first breakfast together, relief flooded his body and then Eliott's gaze met his, a smile tugged at his corners and Lucas sighed as he walked to where he was.

"You look like shit." All right, it was too much to ask for a little consideration from Eliott. "I see that an hour and a half is not enough." And all that relief turns to fire that warms his guts.

"Shut up." Lucas takes a seat in front of Eliott, in his usual place. "This is your fault."

"That you have a death hangover, is it my fault?" Eliott asks him in disbelief and his scowl of fun as he looks at Lucas carefully.

Of course, you do have to learn to read between the lines. Lucas thinks, but, nevertheless, he doesn't say it.

"Of course, you forced me to hurry." Lucas accuses him with a little more poison than he intended, but even so Eliott does not flinch, his smile does not waver, it just gets longer.

"I'm sorry I didn't want to sit here for another hour and a half. Besides, if it takes you that long, why don't you just get up earlier?" Eliott asks with his head tilted to the side.

Lucas rests his elbows on the table getting a little closer to him. "Why did you choose such an early hour for our date?"

Eliott's cheeks turn from a pale color to a light pink that illuminates his eyes and makes the boy swallow so hard that Lucas can hear him. "I'm sorry for wanting to invite you to a proper breakfast."

He sighs backwards, leaving his back to the back of his chair. His arms crossed over his chest. "Save your money. Everything you eat is going to come back."

Eliott wrinkles his nose in a grimace that doesn't pretend to hide his disgust. "Not even a coffee?"

Lucas' eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Wow, Eliott Demaury's buying me coffee, wait, are you okay?" Lucas asks, but Eliott just rolls his eyes in response before taking the menu to check. "Is this some kind of joke?"

Eliott's eyes study him silently under his eyelashes. "Why do you say that?" he says in feigned curiosity.

Lucas goes up and down his shoulders. "Because it seems like it's your job to give me everything except caffeine."

"Tea has caffeine." Eliott argues, but this time his eyes don't rise, he keeps seeing the names of the food as if he doesn't know the menu by heart.

"No, the tea doesn't have enough caffeine." Lucas disagrees, and Eliott pulls down the menu, seeing him now with a little secret smile on his lips. "According to major studies."

"And do you trust those studies?" Eliott asks him with his left eyebrow slightly raised.

Lucas doesn't take his eyes off of the older boy's, not even when a waiter appears at the side of the table. "Let's just say I have a little confidence in the boy who told me so."

Eliott gives him one last smile before he directs himself to the waiter in French asking him for whatever he is going to eat and, Lucas hopes, that he has ordered his meal as well. Please, please let it be coffee this time. He wasn't sure he could handle another day without coffee in his system. While Eliott finishes talking to the boy, who happens to be the same one who attended them last time, Lucas concentrates on seeing the street. People and cars passing by completely oblivious to everything around them and lost only in their own thoughts as Lucas is.

"Was it a good night?" Eliott tells him forcing Lucas to finally meet him. His elbows are back on the table and his body is bent in a way that he is leaning towards him.

The truth is that no matter how hard he tried he couldn't remember much of his night, maybe the first part and also a little after when he left the club, the wet kisses of the guy he had been flirting with for more than an hour and his mind had slight snippets of what happened in his hotel room but otherwise he couldn't remember when it was all over, when he asked the boy to leave, when he went to sleep, he doesn't even remember very well what time it was when he fell asleep but because of the tiredness that still weighed, he could imagine that his hours of sleep had not been more than five in a row.

"What do you think?" Lucas asks him again, wanting to hear Eliott's answer.

Eliott purses his lips a little before his lips open to answer your question. "I think it was very good but then it got ugly."

"What? Why?" He can't help but sound a little offended at that assumption.

"Your hangover says so, you drank more than you can handle." Eliott tells him quite simply as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Yes, but that's not necessarily bad. Lucas clears his throat before arguing, his back gets a little straighter.

Eliott nods slowly, moistening his lips with his tongue. "I know, I'm not saying it's bad, but at some point it becomes too much. You lose control of yourself. There comes a point where your body doesn't know how to act and you lose consciousness."

"And isn't that the point of drinking?"

Eliott's shoulders fall down in response. "Some drink to have fun and others to forget."

Lucas moves a little in his seat and releases his lower lip from his teeth. "And you drink for what?"

"I don't drink." Eliott responds with an expectant look as if he were measuring Lucas' reaction now.

He opens and closes his mouth again, letting his forehead tense a little. "No, but I saw you drinking at the other time."

"No." Eliott shakes his head with a little smile on his lips that somehow only makes Lucas' confusion more obvious. "That wasn't alcohol."

Lucas opens his mouth to ask again, but at that moment the waiter arrives at his table leaving a plate in front of Eliott, containing two pieces of French toast and what appears to be butter and honey, along with a cup of something steaming. And then he does the same with Lucas, but this time he only leaves a small plate with what appears to be sweet cookies and a white cup like Eliott's, but he doesn't need to go near it to know that that is not the coffee he expected to receive. When the waiter finishes leaving all his order on the table and retires to attend to another table, Lucas finally lifts his face from the cup and looks at Eliott with what he hopes is the best look on his face: I hate you so much, Lucas had never felt such a need to murder someone until he met this boy sitting in front of him.

"This is not coffee." Lucas states what is quite obvious after seeing Eliott's little smile that looked more like a: Sorry, silent but precise.

"It's ginger tea, it's good for your hangover." Eliott defends himself.

Lucas can only drop his head into his hands by covering his eyes. "I swear I could cry if I wasn't so tired."

"Yeah, you better not." Eliott tells him in a soft tone. "I don't want you to get more dehydrated than you already are."

He raises his face, drops his hands, and steps back in his seat. "Why do you care?"

Eliott freezes a little before he takes his fork again and takes some food. "I just don't want you to pass out halfway through and then be accused of your death."

Lucas lets out a snort before taking the cup in his hands, he blows a little trying to lower the temperature of the drink, but before taking the first sip of tea, he tells him looking more serious. "No, seriously Eliott, you don't have to do that." Eliott remains silent, waiting for Lucas to explain himself better. "You don't have to help me or invite me to eat."

"Who said I was going to pay? That's what you're going to do for keeping me waiting for two hours." Eliott fights back and then takes a bite of his own food.

Lucas rolls his eyes in response. "Good. But I meant it, you don't have to do all this."

Eliott nods slowly with his eyes looking at his plate and then lifts them to look at Lucas again. "I know, but I want to do it."

Lucas takes a sip of his tea which indeed quenches the thirst he had not realized he had been feeling until that moment, and closes his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. Luckily Eliott is so focused on his food. Lucas wanted to ask him why he was doing it, was it because he still wanted to meet him, spend time with him or simply because he felt bad about the accident with the envelope of his grandfather's letter? But Lucas didn't ask, instead he continued to drink his tea and listen to Eliott moan from time to time with quite a bit of satisfaction about his French toast. He also told Lucas to eat a little and that in a few hours he would hopefully feel better to eat something more of his own, Lucas only mocked saying that he knew that it wasn't his first hangover, but Eliott didn't argue with that.

After another thirty minutes, Lucas paid the bill and the two took an uber to wherever Eliott was planning to take them that day. The last few minutes of the trip the traffic got a little heavier so Eliott just paid the boy and told Lucas they could walk the last few blocks. Lucas would have preferred to stay inside the car because, although the tea had been helpful, his head was still recovering a little from so much movement and his legs were shaking a little, but likewise he did no object, he simply walked beside Eliott who was at a slow pace compared to the day before. And it wasn't until Lucas saw him that he understood Eliott's desperation to get there fast. The view in front of him was amazing, it was a long way, too long, but there it was, in front of him were two big buildings and a central entrance.

"You didn't tell me we were going to the fucking Palace of Versailles." Lucas tells him that a slightly annoying tone but that his expression of surprise and happiness manages to cancel it out completely.

Eliott makes a small grimace on his face. "It's not my favorite place in Paris, but your grandfather had a picture in the gardens."

"Are we go in? Can we go in?" Lucas asks him, but the answer is quite obvious, as they are both heading towards where there is a long, rather long line that was going to take at least twenty minutes or more of their time.

"Have you been here before?"

Eliott hums in response by turning his face until he meets Lucas’ who is looking at him intently. "Once when I was very little. My dad liked to come to these tourist spots sometimes, it was something we used to do every month".

"A tradition?" It sounds so strange to say that; Lucas has never had a tradition with his biological father. It is also not as if the two of them had shared long before he left and abandoned him and his mother, but still, as much as he will try to remember any time he shared with his father, his mind always went blank.

"Something like that." A small smile appears on Eliott's lips as if images like a film of those moments were appearing in front of him. "My father worked a lot when I was little, he had to support the three of us by himself so we didn't spend much time together. These walks were his way of rewarding him."

Lucas also smiles when he sees that big, bright smile that gradually lights up Eliott's face. He can feel that warmth that he is already getting to know each day but there is also an itch down there, something that is bothering him as he thinks about all that memory that Eliott has with his father and he doesn't. Lucas lowers his gaze and remains silent and moving every time someone in line advances. The itch goes up to his throat until it becomes so heavy and Lucas has to bite his lower lip hard before he releases the words he has to say.

"I never had that with my father." Lucas finally says, he doesn't lift his eyes from the ground, but he can feel Eliott's gaze on him. "With neither of them. My father left when I was six so I don't have many memories of him and although Harve's father adopted me and took me into his home, he has never seen me as his son. So I've never had those father-son moments."

"They are very overrated." Lucas looks up as he hears those quiet words from Eliott. The boy is looking at him carefully, his eyes soft and his lips relaxed. "They are no big deal. It's mostly a way for parents to question their children and try to show a little interest in what they're saying. Very full of uncomfortable silences."

Lucas laughs in response when he sees Eliott's serious face. "God, I've had enough of those with my mother."

Eliott nods enthusiastically as the small wrinkles on the sides of his eyes form. They move a little more until they reach the entrance. He and the gentleman exchange some quick words, tickets, inspection of his backpack, some last words in which Eliott nods slowly and soon the two are inside walking to the entrance of the great palace. The place is definitely bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. Lucas’ eyes can't see everything around him, from the wall to the ceiling, every corner of the long room full of people walking back and forth at their own pace.

"Do you want to see the inside or would you rather go to the gardens?" Eliott finishes putting some things in his backpack.

"Are you kidding? I want to see everything." Lucas sees him again with his eyebrows raised and his eyes open with happiness. He had never imagined to enter a damned palace, much less the one in Versailles. "It's the Palace of Versailles, how could I not want to see it?"

Eliott rolls his eyes again for what could be the fifth time that morning. "I know, I'm quite aware of that."

"Where do we start?"

Eliott turns his face around to see all the people around him. "We could go up and down."

While they were walking Lucas stopped at the side where it had placed a map where all the rooms, halls, corridors of the palace and also of the garden were located. Suddenly Eliott's hand is on his biceps, and he is telling him something, but Lucas does not listen. His mouth is still open as his eyes wander around every corner of that map. After a few seconds he turns around to see Eliott with his eyebrows raised and his mouth half open.

"How the fuck are we going to see so much?"

Eliott simply laughs at Lucas’ dismayed image. "Don't worry, we have time."

* * *

Lucas had never felt so overwhelmed until now. Yes, they had gone through what he expected to be every part of the Palace, but he still felt that there was so much that had remained unexplored. When he thought it was the last thing, oh surprise, there was still another room, another bedroom, another dining room, another ballroom to visit and Lucas had never felt so tired of seeing so much luxury until he walked every floor of that huge Palace. The velvet-filled rooms, the bright gold chairs, the chandeliers that were almost the same size as the rooms, the glossy floors, the expensive decorations, Lucas was as surprised as he was disgusted by so much luxury that clearly no one needs it. The windows were five times their size and the high ceilings were painted and decorated with gold. It was so beautiful, but also so overwhelming, Lucas doubted that anyone had ever seen all those pieces of art or knew in detail every figure that was painted on that high canvas.

Two hours later Lucas saw the sky above him again and the sun that afternoon hitting his eyes directly.

"I don't think we've seen the whole palace. Lucas confesses to Eliott as the two of them walk slowly along the path filled with stones and lush trees of such dark green.

"Then we would have to come again to see everything. Eliott answers with a small sideways smile.

Lucas frowned only slightly at that suggestion. He says, "Yes? I thought you didn't like this place."

"Yes, but I wouldn't mind doing it with you." Eliott bites his lower lip and Lucas can't help but to lower his eyes to his lips stopping for a long moment trapped there until Eliott takes him out of his thoughts again that lately they are liking to go to places Lucas has never been before, it is not like that with anyone else but Eliott. "I'd like to hear that scream again that you gave when you saw the _bathrooms_."

Lucas quickly shakes his head as he wrinkles his nose and raises his eyebrows. "No, we can skip that next time." Next time. Why did they say that? Would there be another time?

"It's amazing that with that amount of wealth the last of their worries was hygiene." Lucas comments to Eliott and the boy lowers his eyes listening carefully.

"Those were other times, they had their heads set on something else." Eliott bows his face thoughtfully. "It's a bit ridiculous, isn't it, to have so much luxury?"

"Yes!" Lucas agrees with him as he follows Eliott's path to the fountain a few meters away from the gardens. "They could use all that money they have there to help people."

Eliott lets out a snort that sounds like a laugh. "I don't think so." Eliott continues talking after noticing Lucas' confused face. "Everything they have in there is not very luxurious, that is, yes it is worth money, but not that much. You can't risk someone stealing something.”

"But they must still have." Lucas shrugs. "They could do something useful with so much money.”

With that line of thought, his childhood memories pushed him to that time when he spent his days with only one meal in his stomach, when they had nothing else to eat and when his mother was too busy to even worry about preparing something for Lucas to feed him. He also remembers how difficult it was to go to school and endure the looks or whispers of all his classmates about his clothes, his appearance, because everyone - deep down - knew or suspected Lucas' and his family's financial situation. And Lucas grew up with that. Those times will never be erased, they are still memories that weighed on his shoulders and even with all the years that came after that, after he had a plate of food on the table every day or a good education, clean clothes, a mother inspecting his care, after all that, Lucas could still feel the weight of dirt on his ears or see his nails bitten into fresh meat. Lucas could still feel his body being fatigued after a whole day of feeding on soup. Lucas swallows hard the knot that is forming at the end of his throat.

"Lucas?" Eliott looking at him carefully, his gray eyes full of consternation, he already has the camera in his hand waiting for Lucas to put himself in his place. Eliott puts his hand on Lucas' shoulder and moves closer to him. "Are you all right?”

Lucas takes his hand up Eliott's shirt and instinctively takes it, trying to return to reality, hoping that his memories will fade as a slow mist over his mind as far away from him as possible. He nods slowly and sits at the huge fountain behind him with Apollo driving a chariot and some golden horses, along with three men on either side of him playing some kind of trumpet as if he were announcing the arrival of the God. Eliott sits next to Lucas even though Lucas is no longer holding him tightly, Eliott does not leave his side.

"God, it's stupid." Lucas says quietly, but Eliott manages to catch his words and he hollows Lucas’ face on one of his cheeks, pushing him to look him in the eye.

"Lucas, what you think or say is not stupid." He lowers his eyes to Eliott's lips which are moving gently back up. "You can tell me anything."

He knew, he knew that he could trust Eliott enough and that he wouldn't judge him, but still he couldn't, it was too much, he was too much. His whole mind would bring up all those thoughts or memories when he least expected it. Damn it, he couldn't step on a Paris street without his head evoking something painful and dragging him to places he didn't want to go. Lucas just closes his eyes and moves his face a little involuntarily towards Eliott's touch, but the older boy doesn't move away, he just runs his finger through Lucas' sharp cheekbone and lowers his hand to the back of Lucas' neck, grabbing his tufts a little until they get closer to him.

Lucas’ heart almost jumps out of his chest at the thought that Eliott might kiss him, but his body is pushed forward until he feels Eliott's lips pressed against Lucas’ forehead. He bites his lip and opens his eyes before hearing Eliott tell him slowly. "It's okay."

Lucas hoped, hoped that shame or regret would come, but it did not. All those feelings he knew so well were replaced by something lighter. There with Eliott's body holding him and the heat of his body heating his veins, Lucas felt at peace. It was almost a relief, the kind of relief a person feels when they just wake up from a nightmare and are held tightly, back to life, back to their safe place where all the bad was never real. There with Eliott hugging his back and Lucas resting his head on his shoulder. There in that embrace, Lucas felt like he could breathe again after being swept away by the high tide.

Eliott smelled of cigarettes and some lavender, his shirt was fresh despite the heat around him and his body was just as thin as his, but much stronger under his touch. Lucas closed his eyes and inhaled a little more before moving away from Eliott a little bit, breaking the hug leaving his hands on his lap, but one of Eliott's hands remained on his back.

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to.” Eliott assures him.

"I know.” Lucas’ voice comes out a little louder and he clears his throat before speaking further. "It's just that sometimes my head likes to go around these places.”

Eliott smiles weakly in response while carefully looking at every part of Lucas’ face as if he were studying in silence. "I understand..." Eliott straightens up a bit by putting his hand on Lucas’ shoulder and pushing it a little towards him.

Lucas smiles weakly and nods again slowly. "Well, let's take that picture." Eliott opens his mouth to protest, but Luca stops him before he starts. "I didn't come all the way here with a hangover so I wouldn't take a picture where my ancestors walked."

With the latter, Lucas stands up on his feet and extends his hand offering himself to Eliott, who never stops to think about it. After Lucas stood in the place that Eliott indicated for the photo and long after he said something like: "Let me see those pearls", and Lucas threw a murderous look at him, long after that when Lucas approaches the older boy and tries to see through the screen that develops the photos, but Eliott manages to move away preventing him from seeing more.

"Are you going to let me see those pictures? He asks as he gets closer by lifting his chin, but Eliott corners him by raising the camera further out of range.

"No, not yet." Eliott answers him and then he hears a small sound coming from the technological device.

Lucas lowers his lower lip, exposing a small pot that he hopes will have some effect on Eliott. "Why?"

Eliott gives her a smile while he keeps nodding his head. "We have to wait to visit all the places.”

Lucas couldn't help but let out a snort that sounds as desperate as he was feeling at the time. "We only have about three more places left to visit.”

"Good." Eliott tells him as he opens his backpack to store his camera inside. "When we finish looking at those three places you will be able to see the pictures."

Lucas crosses his arms over his chest following Eliott's step until the exit of the Palace. "You are a fool."

"Yes, but you like it." Eliott declares without erasing from his face that big smile and those eyes that are shining much more strongly.

"Who told you that lie?" Lucas says, with feigned surprise.

"You." Lucas could swear his heart stopped beating in a few seconds before he remembered that it had to work so he could go on living. And his breathing only calms down again when he hears Eliott clarify his previous answer. "It's the eyes, chico, they never lie.”

He rolls his eyes. "You did not just quote Scarface, please."

Eliott bites his lower lip trying to control his smile. "Yes, and since I see you know it I assume you saw the movie yesterday." He says quite enthusiastically.

Lucas hums with his head nodding. "I've seen it before, but a long time ago. It's one of those movies that Harve and I used to watch over and over again in secret from our parents.”

He laughs a little as he remembers all those nights they stayed up late watching movies and then the next day they both had a hard time getting out of bed, but they couldn't regret that, not when there was that shared secret and that feeling of rebellion.

"How long have you known Harve?" Eliott asks him curiously.

Lucas raises his eyes to the sky, thinking for a few seconds about his answer. "Since we were about seven years old, more or less. He was one of the first friends I had when I came to school and I was his."

Eliott laughs and his mouth is suspended in an expression of fun and surprise. "Were you shy? I don't believe it."

"Shut up." Lucas pushes Eliott's arm a little, which simply laughs while walking beside him until they are both walking out of the great palace gates. "Let's say we both needed a friend and were lucky enough to meet.”

Eliott is silent for a few seconds before his curious and funny look turns to Lucas. "Are you sure you never liked Harve?"

"Not at all." He lets out a sound that sounds like a moan of regret. "He is too heterosexual for my taste.

Eliott's joyful laughter filters down to the center of Lucas' chest making it difficult for the young boy to hide his anger and he ends up surrendering in a small smile that spreads across his face. Both remain silent for a long time until Eliott pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and his frown frowns a little before erasing it and meeting Lucas' blue eyes again.

"I have to go." Eliott tells him with a little grimace on his lip that he gives away that the idea of ending the day for today didn't seem appealing to him.

Lucas gives him his best relaxed smile but fails to reach Eliott's gray eyes. He says, "It's okay."

Eliott walks in the opposite direction from the street, but then turns around, letting his body move backwards. "See you tomorrow?" Lucas answers with a nod and he opens his mouth again, but Lucas steps forward in anticipation of what he will say.

"Yes, I know. Write to you when I have arrived at my hotel." Lucas moves his hand vaguely in the air.

"No, I was going to tell you to be careful with the tequila next time." One of the corners of Eliott's lips rose in a sideways smile that made Lucas' legs shake a little, but he only raised his middle finger to Eliott, who brought his hand to his lips, throwing him a kiss that did nothing but feed the tremor in Lucas' knees.

**Eliott**

**17:34**

another exciting day at work?

no, the truth is, no celebrities have come in so far

celebrity like george miller?

never

say it, but don’t cry this time

ha-ha-ha

i still don’t understand why you like

i told you

he made the best movie in the world: pig

i have not seen it

oh my god, eliott you missed the best movie in the world

do yourself a favor and watch it

it will change your life

would you watch it with me?

are you going to make me pay?

i’m 100% sure that you will force me to pay

you are already getting to know me well

i swear i’m starting to think that i work for you and not for me

as it should be

any plans for tonight?

no, just working on my thesis

you didn’t tell me you were about to graduate

you didn’t ask

what is it about?

it is a study of the adverse effects in patients who are being treated with antituberculosis

please don't make me explain it to you, it would take me forever to get you to understand more than two lines

first, rude

second, i think i understand what you're talking about, but i'm not going to get a degree for that

you could at least try

yes, but i would prefer to use that time to write it for people who understand it more easily

god what a productive conversation, but i have to go

well

tomorrow don't forget to bring your grandfather's pictures

where are we going to meet?

i send you the address

🙄🙄🙄🙄

goodbye lucas, work

you too, you don't want to miss george miller's visit

how hard it is to choose between talking to you or talking to george miller

rude

Lucas had spent the rest of his afternoon writing his thesis or well, that had been the original plan after he returned from the hotel and tried to eat a little bit that luckily his stomach did not reject. He needed to get to work. Yes, this was a vacation, but it was also supposed to be a time when he was going to finish writing his thesis. He still had a semester to turn in and graduate, he still had time to correct, but he could no longer delay the inevitable. He sat at that table in the room for at least two hours until three thousand words became ten thousand and until his head felt less heavy and his shoulders less tense. Writing in some way had always been helpful in relieving his stress. Even if it is about writing about something as boring as anti-tuberculosis.

And just as quickly as his body could fall asleep without warning, so quickly could Lucas' plans change. After writing to Eliott, his mind could not focus on writing one more line and the room felt very small around him. So he had to do what he always did when tiredness was not enough but boredom was greater. He went to the place he already knew by heart, sat between the benches of the bar where he had spent almost every night since he arrived in Paris and also did what he always did when he needed a distraction. Finding a boy. Drink. Dance. Kiss. Letting his head go far, far away as possible until he stopped feeling everything around him. The boy - who had an overly French name that Lucas struggled to pronounce, but only made the boy end up with hiccups from laughing so hard - insisted very much that they go to his apartment and Lucas couldn't say no, not when he really didn't care about getting lost in the streets. Not when all he had in mind at the time was to keep kissing the boy who was doing wonders with his tongue in his mouth.

But things soon changed. Lucas had never felt this way about himself. It wasn't an uncomfortable position. It wasn't that the boy was bad. It wasn't that he wasn't enjoying it, just that it wasn't enough. Lucas had never felt so out of it. He brought his hands up to his hair and closed his eyes trying to concentrate on the slow, hard thrusts, the moaning and the fast breathing, the heat and the sound of the skin against the skin, but his throat was burning as if he had been screaming for so long and his skin felt so hot and tight. He tried to touch himself, but that only made the frustration worse. So he waited, waited for something to happen, but it never came. He clenched his jaw tightly and let his arm fall over his eyes while the boy next to him tried to recover.

"Are you okay?" The boy then asks him a few minutes when his breathing slows down and Lucas forces himself to remove his arm and get out of bed by sitting up. "Don't you want me to?"

"No, I just need to use your bathroom." Lucas looks over his shoulder, but despite the little light filtering through the room he can see his forehead tighten and his mouth open.

"At the bottom left."

Lucas didn't waste much time getting dressed and going to the bathroom where the reflection of the mirror wasn't much better than he felt. Dark circles under his sunken eyes, his hair messy and stuck to the corners of his face from sweat, his bruised lips and flushed cheeks along with a small mark on the bottom of his throat that he was sure he didn't have when he left the hotel a few hours ago. His watch reads no more than midnight. He doused his face with some cold water before running out of that apartment making as little noise as possible.

The whole way to the hotel was a complete torture. The pain in his body, the physical and mental fatigue. Lucas had never felt so empty, but at the same time wanting absolutely nothing, why was he feeling this way? Where did this come from? He thought about it until he found himself in his room, after struggling for a few minutes with the lock on his door, long after he found himself under the sheets thinking that it was a one-time thing, that the whole night had been a complete mess and that he was going to recover. That tomorrow he would wake up and feel better, tomorrow or today, in a few hours when he would finally see Eliott again. When he finally finds that wide, white smile along with those gray eyes that are as light as they are dark. That made Lucas' chest feel lighter and made it easier to close his eyes and just sleep a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And as always, thank you for taking the time to read this story and thank you for your support. I hope you all had a nice weekend and see you in the next chapter (which was the one I had the most fun writing). Take care!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!! Sorry I couldn't upload the chapter on Sunday but I had a last minute family emergency (covid is being a headache this year) and I didn't have internet for five days (another big nightmare) and no time to edit. So I did my best to hurry up and upload this now. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did because I was very excited about you reading it.

The next morning was a little easier than the day before. His body didn't hurt as much as before but he still felt like he hadn't slept more than five hours straight even though he was sure he didn't get to the hotel room after two o'clock in the morning and didn't wake up until the sound of the alarm - which he remembered setting after Eliott sent him a message with the time and address of the place where they were going to meet the previous afternoon. The message still said something like, "Don't forget to bring your grandfather's pictures." So Lucas checked for the last time that he would take them before leaving his room. The clock struck ten in the morning when the cab driver finally dropped him off at the entrance to a large hotel. Lucas was tempted to ask the gentleman if he was in the wrong place, but after thinking about it, what seemed to be the name of a restaurant to him. It was actually the name that was placed in large letters at the entrance.

Lucas kept wanting to turn around and go back the way he had come, but if Eliott had asked him to meet them there it must have been for some reason. Lucas walked to the entrance of the reception where there were some people with their bags, others on the couches and a few employees passing by. He stood next to the reception where there were some long armchairs that allowed people to rest a bit before going to their rooms.

**Eliott**

**10:08**

where are you?

are you here already?

why do you think i'm asking?

honestly, i didn't expect you to be here before eleven

you told me ten o'clock and it's ten o'clock

these things should happen once a year

are you going to keep making jokes about this or can i go?

i'm not that far from the entrance

if you are at the entrance you just have to walk a little to the left and then to the bottom

i'm at the door at the end, on one of the tables in the middle

okayyy

Lucas did everything Eliott told him to do by message until he walked down a large corridor with huge windows looking out onto a huge view of the street until he reached the entrance of the place which was quite full of people. The entrance offered what seemed to be a small bar with chairs in front of the bar and after that there were endless tables with people sitting eating, chatting, some sitting alone drinking coffee or reading the newspaper. Lucas quickly scoured the place with his eyes until he managed to locate a light brown mane. Eliott had his back to him sitting at one of the tables as he had told Lucas, next to one of the large windows overlooking the other side of the street where some cars passed by from time to time with some people.

"What are we doing here?" Lucas asks Eliott as he drops into the seat in front of him.

The older boy looks up from his cell phone and lets it rest on the side of the table. "Good morning to you too." He declares with a sarcastic tone, but also with a small smile that escapes his lips.

Lucas rolls his eyes in response and brings the boy closer to him by resting his elbows on the table. "Are we going to eat here?"

Eliott raises one of his hands in sign of calling one of the waiters who was in that small restaurant. "Yes."

Well, that's what Lucas didn't understand, why in a hotel? It's not like there aren't thousands of food establishments in París because that is, it's too touristy a place. Lucas moves a little bit in his seat trying to hide how dismayed he was at that moment, and instead just the question that had been going around for a few minutes. "Why?"

"Because this is one of the places where your grandfather was.” Eliott answers him quite simply as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, but then his relaxed face wobbles a bit as he notices Lucas's frown getting deeper and deeper.

Lucas goes ahead of the boy and shakes his head. "I don't understand, there is no picture in a hotel." He moves a little bit back on his seat and with the help of his right hand, manages to pull out the pile of photos he had stored in his back pocket.

"Yes it is." Eliott assures Lucas as he takes the pictures of his hands and begins to inspect them one by one. "It's the picture of the painting..." He keeps talking until he stops at a specific one that was just the one he was looking for. "This one."

Lucas squints his eyes, carefully inspecting the photograph that Eliott was showing him. And yes, it was something different from the other photographs. All the previous ones were of his grandfather standing somewhere specific in Paris, but this was not a specific place, it was just a picture on a wall. A picture that could be found anywhere on a wall of God knowing where it is. It was ridiculous, could that painting be anywhere?

Lucas shakes his head quickly and moves his face away from the image while continuing to deny. "No, it cannot be." Eliott, not paying attention to Lucas' protests, turns the photo he was holding on his fingers, leaving it in front of Lucas' eyes. "It could be anywhere…" His words fall just as he lifts his face up and his blue eyes manage to inspect what was written behind. "Oh."

Behind, in the material a little wrinkled and stained, in italics, is the name of the hotel where they are, along with a number that implied Eliott's theory that the painting was there.

A smile spreads from the corner of Eliott's lips all over his face as Lucas wipes his frown from his forehead and leaves his mouth half open without clearing his blue eyes. Lucas finally backs up, resting his back on the back of the chair and lets out a small sigh, Eliott turns the photograph again looking closely at what he had just discovered.

"I was wondering if your grandfather had put in the room number, but here it is." Eliott explains to Lucas without erasing that funny smile from his lips. If Lucas wasn't so surprised, maybe he would find all that funny, but he didn't understand either. What was he planning to do? Go all the way there just to take a picture of a painting that they had already seen and had in fact already been photographed? Silently Lucas decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and not judge whatever Eliott had in mind.

The younger boy bites his lower lip while following the way Eliott's eyes were now wrinkled forming a small crescent on his face. He's lucky to be cute, he really is. "So what's your plan?"

Eliott moves his eyes to the back of Lucas and back to meet Lucas's. "Now? Eat." A man dressed as a waiter stands beside his table breaking up any kind of conversation the two were having.

"Good morning, gentlemen, what are you going to order?" The man asks both of them in an English that, although one can still catch the accent in his voice, is quite fluent and well pronounced. Lucas quickly realizes that all that time he had not seen the menu at any time and was grateful in silence when Eliott began to ask for his order giving him time to find something that could fill his stomach in the morning.

After giving the menu a few twists, Lucas ended up deciding on some divorced eggs along with some toast. He also took the opportunity to order a cup of strong coffee. It had been days since he had tasted a drop of caffeine and yes, he could have ordered some at his own hotel or even gone to any coffee shop in town, but the idea of enjoying this drink by himself did not feel right, as if he needed the company of someone else and as much as Lucas hated to think so, that other person could not be anyone but Eliott. That thought not only made Lucas's stomach go round and round, but it also made him angry with himself, where did all those ideas come from? He was halfway through a silent scolding when the waiter's voice took him out of his thoughts.

"Could you get me your room number so I could add it to the account." The waiter asks you for the information after picking up your menus.

Lucas looks sideways at Eliott who is just as surprised as he is. Lucas thinks quickly - too much for the occasion - and lets out the first thing that comes to his mind. "My boyfriend and I just checked out, but our flight was delayed and we just wanted to eat." Shit. Lucas tries to give his best smile to the waiter, who doesn't seem to detect any warning signs, and gently smiles back. "We'll pay here."

"All right, I'll bring you your food in a moment."

"Thank you." They say both before the waiter leaves the table by heading to the end of the room leaving them both alone again.

Lucas turns his face to his left, concentrating on the street right next to him. He can feel Eliott's gaze on himself, and hell he can. He tries in vain to keep ignoring it for a few seconds until he can't take it anymore and finds Eliott's face again that - what a surprise - he is smiling with that pleased look that Lucas is beginning to know very well.

"What?" Lucas finally asks, trying to make his voice sound as boring as possible.

Eliott leans his face to one side. "Boyfriend?"

"That's what I came up with, okay?" He defends himself, but Eliott's smile doesn't fall at any moment, it simply widens more as Lucas turns his face to the window again, avoiding Eliott's gaze. "I'm not as good at lying as some people."

Lucas hoped that Eliott had taken his little hint, but he couldn't check it out. The street was a little empty that morning, there weren't that many people outside and Lucas must have assumed that it was because of the weather outside. It could have been over 30C° for a summer time in France, but where they were was refreshing. The silence in both of them grew until Eliott's voice forced Lucas to meet his gaze again.

"Mh, I didn't know a thesis was dangerous." Eliott tells him curiously as he lowers his eyes to Lucas' bottom.

He may feel his forehead tighten a little to form a small frown.

"What?" Lucas asks him in confusion, to which Eliott responds by pointing his index finger at his own neck.

Lucas takes his hand to the part that the older boy was talking about and he assumed that it referred to some kind of bruise or, rather, a hickey, which he had right there. He did remember seeing it the night before but that morning he didn't bother to inspect the damage the boy in the disco had caused.

"Oh, I already had that."

Lucas assures him with a slight shrug trying to play it down, but Eliott doesn't seem to believe him at all. He raises his eyebrows upward in mock surprise. He says, "Really? I don't remember seeing it yesterday."

Lucas rolls his eyes in response. "Fine." Finally, he gives up and drops his hands on the table. "I changed my mind at the last minute and it may have gotten a little out of control.”

He confesses to Eliott to which the light-eyed boy lets out a small laugh that makes Lucas's chest swell unconsciously. God, it was such a beautiful sound that Lucas couldn't help but think for a second how wonderful it would be to hear that sound all his life. Could I make him laugh like that all the time?

"The boy or you?" Eliott dares to tell him, Lucas lets out a breath and takes the napkin that is resting on his right side at the same time that he throws it to Eliott on his chest. This only makes Eliott laugh again, but with more force, exposing all his white teeth. Shit, who could have a smile like that?

"Just kidding." He raises his hands in surrender and then bites his lower lip while following the little smile that Lucas cannot hide. "I see you're having a better day today than yesterday.”

He slowly nods his eyes down to his hands that are still resting on the table. "Yes, I didn't feel much like drinking.”

Before Eliott has a chance to respond, the waiter who had served them a few minutes ago returns to the table, but this time he leaves in front of them the orders that each of them asked for along with a cup that he then fills with a hot liquid that Lucas recognizes as his coffee. He did not remember that coffee smelled this strong, but he liked the smell so much that he could feel it go deep into his bones.

The waiter finishes leaving some utensils before leaving with a: "If you need anything else, tell me".

"Thank you." Lucas responds this time with a small smile, and soon his face turns to meet none other than Eliott who seems to be starring in some kind of gastronomic pornography that he did not know until now. The boy has his eyes closed as he takes big bites at what appears to be some kind of pancake with fruit on top.

Lucas raises his eyebrow upward while continuing to see whatever show is going on in front of him.

"Don't you want me to ask you for a room for you and your pancake?" Lucas asks him jokingly, as Eliott rolls his eyes, shaking his head and finishing off a piece of his food.

"No, this won't last long." Eliott declares, causing Lucas to almost choke on his cup of coffee. God, how can he say something like that? Eliott lifts his face to meet Lucas who is doing everything he can to make his lungs breathe normally.

"That's not what I mean." Eliott's cheeks are now painted a fairly obvious red color that only causes Lucas to let out another laugh from the bottom of his chest.

"Thanks for the information, really, I didn't think so, but it's good to know." Lucas tells him after he manages to get his breath back.

Eliott raises his hand along with his middle finger without stopping chewing his food. Lucas takes another sip from his coffee cup and starts cutting some pieces from his breakfast. They both eat in silence for a few minutes simply enjoying their breakfast. Lucas has never been a fan of this mealtime before. When he was little and still living with his mother, she wasn't always awake or well enough to prepare a decent meal for him so he just got used to going to school on an empty stomach and waiting for lunchtime to get his portion of the day's food. It was that way for more than five years until he went to live with Harve's parents and it took him a little while - a little longer than he would have liked - to get used to eating breakfast.

At first he saw it as something heavy, the nausea, the feeling of being full was very unpleasant and although over the years the feeling was reduced, even deep down he hated to eat breakfast. It wasn't until he managed to get out of his parents' house and started his college life that he returned to his old habits. However, the idea of eating breakfast now was not quite so unpleasant. Lucas liked it, he liked sharing these little moments with Eliott as if it was slowly becoming something they could do together. Something as natural and pleasant as having coffee or any kind of tea with the boy with the messy hair.

"What are we going to do with the room." Lucas asks, breaking the silence between the two of them.

Eliott's eyes open for a few seconds remembering what the original plan was. He finishes eating his last piece of pancake at the same time he takes a sugar packet and starts shaking it before breaking the packet and dropping the contents on his own coffee. "Right, I'm going to ask if it's free."

"What if it's not?" Lucas raises his eyebrow to the million-dollar question that had been going around in his head.

"Mh," Eliott cracks his lips with a little grimace. "We'll have to be creative."

Eliott does the same with his other two sugar packets and takes a sip of his drink, but from the expression he gives Lucas, he can imagine that it is not as sweet as Eliott likes. Lucas can't stop his teeth from hurting just thinking about how sweet that coffee must taste, but if Eliott likes it that way, what can he do? "There's no creative way to get into a room." Lucas declares at the same time that he drops his sugar sachets in front of Eliott, who takes them without thinking much about it and drops the contents on his drink.

"Don't underestimate me." Eliott tells him seriously.

Lucas sighs low and bites his lower lip while watching Eliott bring his coffee cup back to his lips for another short drink. The grimace was not so evident this time, but he did not look completely convinced.

"Eliott." Lucas warns him, but it is too late, the older boy gets up from his seat and takes his jacket and puts it on.

"I'm coming, I'll go and ask."

He opens his mouth to protest, but Eliott turns around and walks to the exit or the entrance, well, the same place where he had entered the restaurant. Lucas looks around, but no one is really paying attention, each person is in their own world, talking, reading, eating, laughing, asking for more drinks, more food, whatever they are doing. Lucas drops to the back of his seat and just as he is finishing his last piece of food, a waiter passes by.

"Excuse me." Lucas speaks to what the waiter nods in response. "Could I have some more sugar, please?"

The waiter responds with a short: "Of course." And then he brings him what he ordered after what seems like a solid two minutes, Lucas thanks him. And he sits there looking out the window waiting for Eliott to return from his mission.

Far from his place Lucas notices how the older boy is approaching the table. His steps are long, but also a little slow, his messy hair remains intact at all times, his hands hidden in his pants pockets and his back slightly tilted forward. Lucas does not wait until Eliott sits down to talk.

“¿And?” His eyebrows are raised upward and Eliott brings the corner of his lips to the side in what looks like a slightly forced smile.

"You're not going to like it."

That's all Lucas needs to drop his shoulders down and tilt his head to the side. "What?" He asks, yet he wants to know the answer to something that is already certain because it is so obvious.

"The room is now occupied."

Eliott finally says with the least happy face Lucas could imagine Eliott had. Lucas drops his eyes to his empty plate and nods slowly.

"Well, then we will come another day."

"No," Eliott's confident voice makes Lucas raise his face and meet Eliott's serious look. "No way, we're already here. We are going."

"Eliott, that's not a good idea."

He rests on his elbows leaning forward. "You don't even know what I'm going to do." Eliott counters him by dropping his point.

Lucas quickly refuses again, crossing his arms over his chest. "And I don't even want to know. Besides, we don't know if the painting is still there." He shrugs his shoulders.

"Exactly." Eliott replies, but this time with a little sideways smile that makes Lucas two seconds away from accepting. Shit, I have to stop paying so much attention to what this guy is doing. "Let's go in and find out and if not then we'll forget about it, okay?"

Lucas ends up rolling his eyes, but he responds with a simple. "Fine." Accepting the proposal Eliott is making to him.

The proud smile Eliott is directing at him should bother him, but instead he just turns his eyes and directs his attention to Eliott's hands that are now taking the extra bags of sugar he asked the waiter for.

"Did you ask for more sugar?" Eliott asks him in a softer, sweeter tone of voice that makes the mouth of Lucas' stomach warm and for a few moments he regrets having done so.

Lucas shrinks his eyes again in response. "The waiter left it there."

"Mh, right." Eliott tells him in an unconvinced voice of his response and his eyes slightly narrowed. If Lucas had repented before now all that feeling was erased the second, he saw the way Eliott sighed after finally reaching the point he wanted from his coffee. It is very sweet, a sweet coffee for such a sweet person, Lucas thinks before taking a sip of his own dark coffee and following Eliott's movements under his eyelashes.

* * *

"This is such a bad idea, I swear." Lucas declares with a scowl that he was still frowning on what appears to be permanent. His arms are crossed in front of his chest while his back remains tight to his back.

"What?" Eliott asks him as he turns his face to the side where Lucas is. "We're not doing anything."

And it was true, they had been there on guard in that hallway by a door not so far from the room that from one moment to the next became the goal for both of them. Eliott was still wearing his jacket and his hair was much more disheveled than before because of the number of times his hand was passing over and over his thick hair. Lucas turned his body a bit, leaving his shoulder leaning against the wall.

"Right. We've been standing here for about ten minutes. Don't you think that's suspicious?"

He makes his end point by raising his left eyebrow upwards to which Eliott simply responds with a simple "No". And then his eyes go straight to the back of Lucas's head before coming a little closer to him by turning his body in front of Lucas.

Lucas staggers a bit trying to get away from him, but then in the distance he hears some voices coming from across the hall. He approaches Eliott with the intention that only he will hear him. "And if there is no one there. We can't wait forever." Lucas says to him quietly trying to keep his posture.

Eliott's hand passes slowly from the top of his hair to the bottom of his neck. Lucas swallows hard trying to ignore the chill that ran through him from the point where Eliott's fingers touched his skin to the bottom of his body.

"I know there is no one there. It's," Eliott says quietly, but stops for a second to give a smile to the adult couple passing by. They look up and down at them before returning the gesture with a slightly tighter smile. "after eleven o'clock in the morning there is clearly no one there."

Lucas keeps looking at the couple until they both disappear into a room at the end of the hall and it is not until they find themselves alone that Lucas moves away from Eliott by separating his hand from the back of his head.

"What was that?" He asks him in a tone of voice more scathing than he expected.

"You said to keep a low profile." Eliott defends himself with a mischievous little smile that escapes his lips. Lucas restrains his desire to roll his eyes just because at that moment Eliott steps forward and puts his hand on one side of his neck pushing him. "I took my role as a boyfriend seriously."

In this position Lucas is forced to raise his face higher to meet Eliott's eyes which from that distance look a light color, could they be green? Are they green? "It's just a couple". Lucas has to find enough strength to let those words out.

"A couple that knows there is another couple not to be disturbed." Eliott quietly assures him as if there were still people around him who could hear them.

Lucas rolls his eyes down Eliott's face following the sharp line of his cheekbones, his nose that has a little curve in the corner to his lips - for a few short seconds - before he has to mentally slap himself to regain his composure.

"You are so weird."

Lucas declares, taking away all the funny tone that could take that comment, but apparently Eliott still found it creative because that glow that filled his clear eyes every time he smiled just appeared in the corner of his irises. "You've told me that before."

"This is silly. We should just go and try it..." Eliott's hand leaves Lucas's neck as he walks away and starts walking quickly to the opposite side of the hall.

"Come." Lucas turns his face to meet a figure who is walking away with his back to him and Eliott stops at one of the doors of the room to prevent it from closing completely.

Lucas opens his mouth in surprise before turning his face to either side hoping not to meet anyone else who has witnessed that moment like him. He moves slowly but as quickly as possible down the aisle until he finds himself inside with Eliott.

"This is not the room." Lucas points out what is quite obvious. This room is a few meters away from its original destination.

"I know." Eliott advances to the other side of the room, opening the balcony and leaving it.

Lucas does the same by following with his eyes whatever Eliott was seeing, but again as if Eliott could read his thoughts and ask him what he was seeing. Eliott went to the corner of the balcony and passed one of his legs over one side of the balcony leaving his legs supported by one of the corners of the columns. "What are you doing?"

"We are two rooms away from the one that is." Eliott's knuckles turn white from the force he's holding. "We only have to pass the balconies."

Lucas can feel his throat drying up and his eyes are pointed away from his orbit.

"No."

"Yes." Eliott responds after swallowing hard.

Lucas shakes his head quickly. Not this, no. "No."

"Yes, it's not that much." Eliott's eyebrows meet in what could be a small plea, but he doesn't get very far, no, Lucas still feels the itch in his chest and it's not at all pleasant.

Lucas lowers his eyes looking at the street which is a little deserted but he does nothing to calm his nerves. Shit. "No."

"It's not even that high." He tries to calm him down and Lucas has to force himself to look Eliott in the eye, who now has his lower lip bent down in a pout. He says, "Let's go." He offers his hand to him and Lucas lets out a loud sigh and walks around the corner holding his hand.

Eliott moves to the other side of the column giving Lucas room to do the same. He knows that if he lets his mind process everything he's doing, it could take him to a very bad side and into a state that wouldn't be good for either of them. They both keep walking, keeping their backs to the wall and their hands together until they land on one of the balconies.

His whole body is shaking from the tip of his feet to his hands. Lucas may feel as if blood had stopped circulating throughout his body, but tries to let his feet get used to the firm ground and breathes slowly letting his lungs breathe properly before Eliott takes his face in his hands forcing him to look into his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Eliott asks him with worried eyes which Lucas only manages to nod to by pushing him a little bit on his stomach, telling him to keep going.

Eliott does not move from his position until Lucas pushes him back. "Move before I regret meeting you so much."

Lucas tries not to pay attention to all the sensations that are running through his body. The feeling of vertigo, the desire to run away, his hands shaking and much less the heat of Eliott's skin on his that has not left his hand at any time. God, now is not the time for this. Not now when Lucas can feel a cold sweat running down the back of his back even though he's sure he should feel warmer than he really is. It is not until they find themselves at one corner of the balcony with Eliott entering the place slowly without making as much noise as possible, that Lucas thinks about it.

"Shit, what if there's someone in the room?" Lucas throws the possibility to Eliott who turns completely around taking Lucas's hand again and helping him to approach the edge of the balcony.

"You don't want them to hear us." Eliott says to him quietly, waiting for Lucas to step over the balcony.

Lucas snorts in response, but just as he's about to pass his other foot, his body loses its balance and leans back. Quickly Eliott reacts by bringing his hands to Lucas' back and holding him tightly, pushing his body across the balcony. Lucas could swear at that moment that this was the closest experience to death and that it was anything but not fun, his legs were losing strength which forced Eliott to lift him. He didn't have the strength to hug Eliott back so he let his forehead rest on Eliott's shoulder while he tried to get as much air as possible. His hands went up to the sides of Eliott's biceps, squeezing them a little, to which Eliott responded by hugging him tightly until Lucas turned his head back, feeling Eliott's hand taking some of his rebellious locks and pushing them back.

"God." Lucas says quietly without daring to open his eyes. Not yet, no, when he could still remain so. So under the sun, with his body pressed against Eliott's, the slow summer air hitting one side of his face and Eliott's hand trying to stabilize him.

"You know?" Eliott's voice brings him back to reality. "On second thought it would have been easier for one of us to cross the rooms and open the door to the other."

These words were enough for Lucas to place his hands on Eliott's chest and push him away. The older boy laughs at Lucas's angry expression. Not only had it not occurred to him before, but now there wasn't much to do, what was done was done, right? All that was left was to open the door to that balcony and hope that there was no one in there who could call security and kick them out of the hotel. Well, compared to what they just did, that scenario is not so bad.

"I don't think anyone is there." Eliott tells him quite sure. "If that were the case, I would have been out by now. You weren't very quiet at all."

Lucas opens his mouth to protest, but Eliott turns his body by taking the doorknob with one of his hands and turning it until the door gives way and slowly opens in his path.

Lucas follows Eliott closely, entering both the room which were indeed empty. Lucas released a large amount of air that he had been holding in his lungs and walked behind Eliott, who was standing in front of a large wall next to one of the two armchairs that rested on the side of the room.

"See? I told you the painting was still here."

And it was true. There on that white wall was the little picture that unlike his grandfather's photograph was much more colorful and much bigger. Lucas looked at it for a few seconds before turning his eyes and casting an unfunny glance at Eliott.

"You are lucky." You're so lucky to be pretty, Lucas thinks, but he doesn't say it. He doesn't have to say it, Eliott doesn't have to know that Lucas sees him that way.

Eliott doesn't take his eyes off the painting until he turns his backpack over in his arms, opening it to take out the camera that Lucas already knew quite well. The same camera that he had been using these past few days to, what he said, _memorize the moment_.

"Now get over there. We need to take a picture of you with the painting."

The older boy asks Lucas, who, unlike on previous occasions, neither protested nor refused. If there was one thing that Lucas could say he had learned so far, it is that it is better to simply give Eliott what he wants, sometimes, not always because it can be a little fun and adorable to watch him make those puppy dog eyes and pretend to be upset by Lucas' decisions, but in matters like photographs it was better to get it over with faster. After two more clicks and Lucas trying to give Eliott the best smile. He is next to the boy looking closely at the picture in front of him.

"Why would he take a picture of this painting?"

Lucas tilts his head to one side. Eliott shrugs in response. "No idea. Maybe he just liked it."

"Yes, it's very pretty."

And Lucas meant it. The image was very simple. It was the painting of a white house with brown roofs and big windows, it looked like the countryside or something because there was a high sky of light blue along with an average size garden with a huge tree next to it. Lucas could have imagined a house like that many times, but the way it was drawn, its windows with curtains of the same color as the sky and the wooden frames, was so rustic full of a calm and familiar aura.

It was the opposite of what you might find in a hotel.

“See-” FLucas begins to speak, but is interrupted by the sound of a lock clicking and the next thing he knows is Eliott's hand on his arm pulling him to the balcony and leaving him leaning against the door.

Eliott's eyes are as open as his and his cheeks have turned a deep red color. If Lucas weren't so scared he could make fun of his own shame and fear, but now, there they both stand on either side of the balcony with the presence of another person just a few feet away. Lucas just wants to run away. "Shit."

"What?" Eliott asks quietly with a slightly scowling frown.

Lucas brings his index finger to his lips, telling Eliott to be quiet. From the other side they can hear a man's voice in some language that Lucas cannot quite identify but that sounds rather like French, it could be that, but from Eliott's look it seems that it is not so. He is as confused or even more so than Lucas. Eliott separates from the wall and dares to look inside the place to return quickly to his original position.

Both remain there in silence for a long time. Every second made Lucas's breathing quiet, but his muscles and his whole body were always on alert. Listening to every footstep, every word spoken by the guest in that room and it was not until the soft sound of a door closing and the long, deep silence was heard, that Eliott dared to move again repeating the same action as before, but this time he moved away from the wall entering the room carefully. Lucas was about to ask Eliott, "What are you doing," but the older boy was already on the other side of the room, just a few steps from the door.

Eliott quietly pronounces the words "Come."

And Lucas did that, he did the same as Eliott. He proceeded at a slow pace, careful not to alert the guest that someone else might be in the room with him, and all of a sudden the sound of the shower stopped and with that, at the same time, Lucas could do nothing but stand in the middle of the room waiting for the moment that door to open and someone to show up right there ready to take them both out.

Shit, shit, shit.

Eliott's voice, in the distance, managed to filter into Lucas's ears and capture his attention completely. Without much thought he runs the last steps between him and the door and when he finds himself outside the room with Eliott by his side, the older boy slams the door taking his hand in a hurry without either of them stopping his hurried pace. And they run, both run down the hall, both run down the stairs. Hell, it must have been a good five or six floors before the two of them find themselves back in the lobby running with all their might to the hotel entrance. They didn't stop running until Eliott's steps became short and Lucas had to stop to get some air.

Lucas rests his hands on his knees trying to get his breath back. He closes his eyes tightly and concentrates on listening to the sound of his own heavy breathing. When he finally feels that he has regained some strength, he stands up to find an Eliott who is staring up at the sky with his hands buried in his hair.

"That was so dumb they could have caught us." Lucas says in a broken voice that forces him to clear his throat.

"But they didn't." Eliott marks a point by lowering his face and hands to meet Lucas. "Can't you feel it?"

"What?" Eliott takes Lucas's hand and holds it to his chest where, underneath the palm of his hand, he can feel the pounding of his heart. "It's just your heart pointed to explode from your stupidity."

Eliott lets out a breath before releasing Lucas's hand from his. "A little serotonin is never bad."

"It looks more like epinephrine to me." Lucas answers him in a scathing tone as he tries to regain his posture, he takes advantage of Eliott's distraction to push his shoulder.

"What?" Eliott asks, turning his attention to the younger boy.

Lucas crosses his arms in annoyance. "You told me no one would be there."

Eliott lets out a small laugh that he can't hide with a false cough when he sees Lucas' angry face. "Sorry, my guessing techniques are a little rusty."

"That could have ended very badly." Lucas begins to walk to one side of the street without waiting for Eliott to follow him, but as he imagine it, the light-eyed boy caught up with him.

"Yes, but now we have the picture." Eliott states simply what Lucas cannot help but deny with his head.

"Whatever." He responds quietly, but Eliott pushes him a little towards him, causing Lucas to wobble a little by his side.

"Leave the long face, frowning, we made it and no one got hurt."

Lucas leans his face to the side in a half smile. "Frowning?"

"Yes." Eliott responds by nodding his head while bringing his hand to Lucas' forehead by drawing a small line between his eyebrows to his forehead. "You frown here every time you get angry or pretend to be angry."

"I can't pretend with you." Lucas is lying.

Eliott lets out a low laugh and then bites his lower lip while still seeing Lucas' eyes. "Liar."

And soon he separates a little from Lucas by stopping on the side of the street to get his cell phone. Now the one with the frown was Eliott who from one moment to the next was writing at full speed on the screen without erasing his expression. Lucas looks to both sides of the street for something to do in those seconds when Eliott is immersed in a text conversation, and when he finally finishes and puts his cell phone in his pocket, he has that look of apology and guilt that he has every time he has to call it a day.

"Work?" Lucas dares to ask.

Eliott cracks the corner of his lip in what could have been a grimace of unhappiness. "Something like that... I have to go."

"It's okay." And Lucas wasn't lying, he should probably go back to his hotel and get to work too.

Eliott lets out a sigh looking to the side of the street as Lucas had done a few minutes earlier. And after some thought, he finds himself with Lucas's eyes again. "Hey, do you have something to do tonight?"

Lucas could swear that he could feel the world drop its feet for a few moments because for a moment his brain had as much trouble processing those words as it did remembering where or with whom he was.

What?

"What?"

"Do you have a date with a guy tonight?" Eliott completely ignores his question and instead answers it with another question that makes Lucas shake his head. "Good, because my friends and I are going to a party tonight and I don't know, I thought you can come over and get to know them better and hang out."

Lucas wets his lips and rolls his eyes down Eliott's face, stopping to look carefully at his expression, a little tense but also as if he were holding himself in as if there were more concealed, his cheeks now a red color that could be from the heat or the running, but it was a softer shade, his Adam's apple that came down and went up after he slowly swallowed, and his hands resting behind his back pockets. He's very lucky, damn it.

He nods slowly as he sees a small smile slowly appear on Eliott's lips and his eyes open in surprise as if he had expected Lucas to say no. "Okay."

"Right so," this time Eliott doesn't try to hide his smile and neither does Lucas. "I have to go, but I'll text you."

The older boy doesn't expect much response and starts walking quickly across the street to wherever he needs to be.

* * *

**Eliott**

**21:26**

where are you?

i’ll be right there

i knew your streak wouldn't last that long

what? you told me that at nine

and it's past nine o'clock

stop it, grandpa, do you have somewhere else to go?

yes, to a party

uh i didn't know you were popular

i'm not

so don't complain

i'll get there

next time i'll tell you an hour before so you can be on time

don't you dare use the queen of genovia in this

i'm already here

i think i saw you. i'm at the end of the street

Lucas lowers his cell phone and squints trying to focus his eyes on any sign of Eliott until, on one side of the street, next to what appears to be a small house, Lucas manages to distinguish two figures. He is tempted to turn around and run away from there, but from a distance, even with the poor lighting that only comes from two light poles with very bad bulbs, he can see that unkempt hair that is directed in different directions. And who else can wear a haircut like that other than Eliott?

He walks to where the older boy is until he is about two meters away and can see more clearly the person next to Eliott. It is a girl a little taller than Lucas, not the same one he met at the club when Lucas and Eliott met again. This girl has a dark complexion, as well as her eyes and is wearing a hijab around her head that covers her hair completely.

"It's about time." Eliott complains with a short sigh as he drops his hands at his side in exaggerated tiredness.

"What are you complaining about?" The girl next to him asks with a scowl and her arms crossed over her chest. "You insisted on waiting.”

"Hi I'm Lucas." He takes a step closer to her by giving her a charming little smile that the girl gave back to him in the same way.

"Imane." The girl introduces herself by putting her hands on his shoulders and letting her cheeks collide in a kiss on each side of his face. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Sorry I'm late." Lucas apologizes with a small grimace on his lip that makes Imane quickly nod and Eliott examines his friend with a scowl.

"It's okay, we didn't wait that long." She reassures him by moving his head to the side and pointing to Eliott who is now standing next to her. "He likes to exaggerate everything."

"Yes, I know." Lucas plays along with Imane as they both turn their faces to meet Eliott who is alternating between him and Imane with his mouth open in surprise and unworthiness.

"Hey, it's not true."

"Of course you do." Imane defends herself by returning to her original position with her arms crossed in front of her chest, sending a defiant look to Eliott. "Or do you want me to remind you of that time you almost made a whole movie for the teacher just because you got up late and didn't make it to the exam on time?"

"No, please don't." Eliott's face tightens and he quickly denies begging Imane, but Lucas pays no attention to him, turning his eyes to Imane who is now smiling smugly.

"I'm interested in that."

The girl turns to be next to Lucas, encircling his arm with hers. "It's a very interesting story that you might like."

They both start walking down the street while Eliott's footsteps follow closely behind them listening carefully to whatever their friend is pointing out to Lucas and perhaps also ready to defend himself, but Lucas continued to ignore their complaints and their gasps of regret and instead just concentrated on listening to Imane's story.

"Eliott had to take this biology exam, which was not even important, but his final grade depended a lot on it because, to the surprise of everyone, Eliott never went to class and therefore never took his exams."

Imane says with evident sarcasm in his voice causing Lucas to laugh at this and Eliott to come forward ready to say something, but Imane goes forward and raises her finger pointing at it in warning.

"No, don't give me any more excuses, you wore them all out in high school." Imane doesn't expect any sign of Eliott and instead just keeps talking. "Then he got up late, to this day he swears he didn't, but it's true, and the teacher - as expected - told him he couldn't take the exam and had to repeat the course in the summer. And Eliott invented one of the most dramatic and exaggerated stories of the time, they included a series of regrettable facts like that just that day the light went out in his building, just that morning his father took the spare keys and Eliott left his cell phone, his money and his belongings inside. And since there was no sign of the janitor anywhere, it seems that the man had left to find out why the building was without power that day. What a coincidence, right?"

The girl raises her eyebrow by marking this last part with a slightly higher tone of voice. Lucas laughs again, but this time he has to bite his lower lip hard to avoid letting out a deeper laugh.

"Enough was not so." Eliott says quietly behind them, but Lucas manages to hear his protests as does Imane.

"If it was, shut up."

"Just the bus line broke down one unit and there was no transportation, no money, no cell phone and no one could help that soul in pain. And, surprise, when the young Eliott came up with the idea that he could do a ten kilometer race in less than fifteen minutes, guess what happened?" Imane makes a small dramatic pause waiting for some answer from Lucas.

"No idea. What happened?" Lucas asks her curiously and from there they could hear another loud sigh coming from Eliott.

"A dog attacked him." Imane looks at him as seriously as possible as if he were telling Lucas that the aliens were real and that they were one of them and that this was all a plan to kidnap him and study his species.

Lucas laughs again, but this time he laughs a lot louder and can feel his face getting a little stronger. They both stop in front of a tall door with black bars and stand aside giving Eliott room to open the lock.

"He didn't attack me." Eliott tries again to defend himself, but everything is in vain, Imane denies seeing him with a reproachful face.

"Yes, he attacked you, don't deny it." Eliott doesn't try to defend himself this time, instead he just stands in front of the door holding the one for both of them to enter what seems to be a long maze of trees. Lucas rushes to get his phone and cell phone out of his back pocket to use the flashlight to light the way. Imane and Eliott do the same, each using his own cell phone.

"There was this huge dog that came out of nowhere and started chasing him for a few blocks."

Eliott can't resist and tries again to defend himself as he had been doing since the two of them started talking. "He didn't chase me."

Imane laughs slightly, shaking her head. "Yes he did, you had all your clothes torn and stained with dirt." She moves her hand up and down vaguely to Eliott as if she can make out the set of clothes Eliott was wearing that day just to prove her point.

"And yet he was not on time?" Lucas asks, having both boys turn their faces around and turn their attention to Lucas.

"No, it looks like the dog wasn't much help." Imane says with a funny touch. Lucas laughs again, turning his eyes to Eliott, who is standing next to Imane with his gaze fixed on the road in front of them. "Eliott was half an hour late, all sweaty, bruised, and with a story that could be a Netflix movie someday."

Lucas lets a little smile grow on his face. "Oh Imane, you are my new best friend." Imane pushes herself closer to Lucas and they both laugh as if they were sharing some kind of secret affair that only the two of them know.

Eliott turns his eyes in exasperation, but that only makes the two of them laugh again and Imane sticks her tongue out at Eliott. The three boys continue walking for a few short seconds until in the distance Lucas can hear the sound of music. It's not as loud as he would expect it to be at the right volume for a party, but it's also not adapted to some kind of meeting in a nursing home. And before Lucas has a chance to ask what they are celebrating tonight, his words die on his lips as he sees the house - or rather, the mansión - that lies before him. A white façade with two columns on either side and large windows from corner to corner from the first level to the third. A dark colored roof that hides among so many tree branches as well as the walls of the place. It seems so abandoned and it was quite evident with the amount of plants and trees around the house and with the dust how worn out the structure is.

"Wow, what kind of party is this?" Lucas turns his face to find Eliott's funny eyes studying him and a little smile pulling on Imane's lips as if she and Eliott were now keeping some kind of secret. "Please tell me this isn't illegal."

They both turn their faces to meet for a moment to share a look and Lucas can feel his mouth opening a little.

"Really?" Lucas asks even though he suspects he has already been told the truth.

"It's not so illegal, it's just something we're not allowed to do so freely." Eliott answers him shrugging his shoulders.

Lucas alternates his view between Imane who looks so calm and Eliott who is enjoying Lucas' dismay completely. Fucking idiot.

"So it's illegal." Lucas concludes as the three of them climb the steps of the house to the porch where they find some people smoking, drinking and talking to each other in small groups.

"I wouldn't use that word so much." Imane grimaces as if he were thinking of some other way to call an act of entering private property.

"Haven't you ever done anything illegal before?" Eliott dares to ask.

Imane walks ahead of the two of them and Eliott stays behind Lucas with his hands on his shoulders so that neither of them is lost in the crowd. The music is definitely louder in there but the place is lit by few lights and some candles which gives it a much warmer and more comforting atmosphere, which makes a total contrast with the electronic music that is being heard in the speakers.

"Yes, of course I do." Lucas answers the question when the three of them stand at the side of the great hall in a space between a large window and a table that is filled with drinks, glasses and bottles of different sizes.

Eliott raises his eyebrow in a silent question.

Lucas drops his shoulders by biting his lower lip before releasing the words. "Smoking marijuana."

"Well, this is like smoking marijuana for some people only without those effects on the body." Eliott tries to explain to Lucas, and Imane nods slowly. "It is an escape. I'm not saying that some people here don't smoke, but more than anything, they come for the art."

And it was true, although there were some people who were dancing, talking or drinking and even some sharing a cigarette, filling the room with that strong smell of nicotine. Also most of them had their hands stained along with their shirts or pants, some had paint marks on some part of their body and other groups were lined up on a high wall letting the smell of spray paint mix with the smell of smoke.

"Art? Like graffiti?" Lucas frowned while looking around trying to capture in detail what everyone at that party was doing including the two guys who were side by side working on what appears to be a huge black and white drawing.

Eliott laughs, nodding his head in enthusiasm. "Something like that. We look for all kinds of places, abandoned, hidden, difficult to access or impossible to locate and we fill them with art."

"How great." He admits to giving him his approval, Eliott's smile only gets wider on his face. "Does everyone do something?"

"Most, some come to see and others to leave their mark." Eliott turns his face a bit, doing exactly the same as Lucas, seeing all the people in that long room.

"Do you draw?"

"I don't." Imane gives Eliott a short elbow to get his attention. "I come because they drag me here. Lucas raises his eyebrows to Eliott.

"Street artist?"

Eliott wets his lower lip with his tongue lowering his gaze to his feet looking a little embarrassed before meeting Lucas's blue eyes again. "Another of my hidden talents."

"Yeah, I wouldn't take the pancake thing as a talent to brag about." Imane makes a little grimace by frizzling her nose.

"Pancake?" Lucas dares to say with curiosity approaching Imane a little as if he were waiting to hear the whole story.

Imane understands completely and lets a small complicit smile spread across her face, but Eliott steps forward seeing one another shaking his head.

"Don't you dare."

"ELIOTT!" A voice calls the boy from a distance behind his back. Lucas cannot see what the person looks like, but from the sound of his voice he sounds like a boy. "Come here I have something for you."

Eliott turns to Lucas with an apology before promising to return with a, "I'll be right back."

Imane moves his hand vaguely and with little enthusiasm as a sign that said: "Yes, yes, go."

Lucas dares to speak again until Eliott has disappeared into the crowd many meters away from him and the two of them. Imane now holds a glass - which Lucas saw out of the corner of his eye that she filled with what appeared to be a container of orange juice - in one of her hands while her other arm rests on his chest and forearm.

"What was that?"

"The price of fame." Imane responds when she puts her glass down after taking a short drink. Lucas leans his face to the side and Imane shrugs. "He's kind of famous for teenagers."

"Is he?"

Imane nods slowly, taking another drink from her glass. "Yes, you should see some of his work is good. Don't tell him I said that." Imane warns him seriously that Lucas can't help but laugh a little.

"Did he make one today?" Lucas moves his face everywhere trying to see something, anything, but it's completely in vain.

"No, not yet, I don't know if he'll do it, but if ever a drawing with a raccoon's mark is him." Lucas opens his mouth, but Imane steps forward giving him a defeated look. "Don't even ask me why a raccoon, that's his business."

The rest of the hour continued like this. Lucas spoke with Imane until the presence of another person interrupted them. This time it was a girl who introduced herself - or at least tried to introduce herself - as Emma, but it took her a bit of work to do so when her mouth was trapped in her glass full of some kind of liquor and also because she was mostly busy trying to drag Imane or Lucas, with very little success, onto the track. It wasn't until Imane rolled her eyes and took pity on Emma's exaggerated pouting that she finally agreed to go to the dance floor and "move that corpse that nobody invited to the party" as Emma was calling it for about four solid minutes.

But Lucas did not remain alone long enough. To his surprise, a boy with black hair and eyes with the same color approached him and the two of them engaged in what was a good conversation. At first the boy spoke to him in a quick French that Lucas had to apologize excusing himself that he didn't know a single word in French that didn't include all the typical phrases for greeting or asking how much something costs, followed by a short and silly phrase like: "I'm broke", just so that the vendors would take pity on his soul and give him a discount. The boy, who turned out to be a student in his third year in the career and with a rather particular name: Dominix, laughed a lot at his bad jokes and apologized again and again for his English, although Lucas assured him that one and a thousand times his fluency was fine.

The conversation was pleasant. He prepared Lucas a little drink that he barely touched because soon, in the crowd and the strange feeling of being watched, Lucas found Eliott's eyes. Who from a distance was smiling at him before his eyes fell to the side visualizing Dominix, and soon his smile trembled and his forehead tightened, but he quickly recovered hiding any sign of discomfort. Lucas continued to talk to the boy, but from time to time his eyes drifted and he found himself with Eliott, who seemed less happy than he was to be caught in a small group of people. The boy was not only a law student but also an artist in his spare time and offered to give him a little demonstration in his own skin. Lucas let the boy draw a small planet that looked like Saturn on his left arm. He let the tip press down on his pale skin and the ink would come up.

It was very nice, too much. Funny, very good at flirting even in a language he doesn't master well enough and Lucas was happy, but his eyesight kept going a few meters away and he was still smiling, not smiling at the boy who was holding his hand and was throwing him secret messages hidden between his black eyes, no, he was smiling at that unkempt boy who was biting his lip hard not to make his smile more evident. Lucas wanted to walk over there and feel that smile between his own lips.

"Hey, don't you know where there are toilets?" Lucas asks the boy, who squints a bit before answering.

"I think they're out." Lucas nods slowly and breaks away from him, releasing his grip.

"I'll back."

But Lucas does not go to the door, when he leaves the room, he walks to the opposite side without having the slightest idea where he is going. And in between one of the long hallways, which he believes can lead to the kitchen, are narrow stairs. Lucas climbs slowly, holding tightly to the walls on either side. He keeps walking a little further trying to focus a little on the path he is following.

"What are you doing here?" A voice speaks from a distance causing Lucas to jump out of the impression and put his hand to his chest as he turns to the side looking for the person who owns that voice, which to his surprise he manages to identify as Eliott.

"Christ God." That's all Lucas manages to say before a little light shines on the floor and on Eliott's feet that are less than six feet away from Lucas.

"Did I scare you?" Eliott asks in a funny way. Lucas is sure he can feel his smile from where he is standing.

Lucas lets out an irritated blow. "No."

"I don't believe you."

"You didn't scare me." Lucas lies again.

"Are you afraid of the dark?" He slowly advances until he finds himself in front of Lucas still with the light of the cell phone illuminating a little bit the space between them.

"No, but you approached me from behind, you idiot, how did you want me to react?" Lucas manages to see a flash of happiness in the boy's eyes that slowly fades as he realizes what he has done.

"Sorry." He responds while shrugging off evident repentance. "You didn't tell me why you were here."

Lucas clears his throat before lowering his eyes to the floor, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. "I was looking for the restroom."

"The restroom is not here."

Eliott points out to him that Lucas only responds with a short nod before saying what is quite obvious. "I know."

Eliott does not respond immediately, in fact, both remain in such deep silence for a long time that Lucas is forced to raise his eyes just to verify that Eliott is still there, but he is not seeing him, instead his eyes are concentrated somewhere behind Lucas before he returns to him with a short smile. As shy as the one he had given him on the very day they first met in that cafe, it seemed so long ago, and yet it was no less than a week ago.

"Come, there's a place I want you to see." And with the latter, he passes by him, brushing his arm as Lucas turns and follows him closely into the darkness.

After walking in silence for a few seconds through what seems to be a long corridor and then climbing some steps where he had to hold on tightly to the railing so as not to fall into which Eliott, in a not very discreet way, moves his cell phone to illuminate the way better. Lucas finally breaks the silence between the two of them by letting out a little joke.

"Is this the part of the movie where something bad happens and then you have to get rid of my body?"

"What?" Eliott laughs while looking ahead. "Of course not... There are many people."

Lucas opens his mouth in surprise and then pushes Eliott off his arm a little, causing both of them to laugh. "It's not funny."

Eliott laughs again in a low voice slowly denying until he stops at what seems to be a wooden door that is much taller than all the doors in that huge house. Lucas waits until he opens the door and lets him in, and he moves into the room leaving him speechless. It was a pretty small room compared to everything he had seen but that didn't matter, what was impressive was the ceiling and the walls because there were none. Yes, there could be a building there that would keep the cold, rain, and strong winds from entering the room, but literally there was not because everything was made of glass. The roof and the walls in front of it were made of glass so clear and transparent that all that illuminated the place were the lights of the stars and the big, full and clear moon that was in the middle of the sky.

Lucas realizes that he has kept his mouth loose and open, to which he shakes his head a little trying to get him out of the dream he is living, but no, that is so real.

"Wow, Eliott." This is all he manages to say before the sound of Eliott's footsteps getting a little closer to him takes him out of his thoughts.

"Impressive, isn't it?" Eliott asks him quietly as if he doesn't want to ruin that moment.

"Yes, definitely." Lucas agrees. "I didn't know rooms like this existed."

He clears his view of the sky to find Eliott's thin profile that is raised upwards and nailed to where the roof should be. The darkness is now all around him, but Lucas is not afraid when the moonlight and clear night sky allow his eyes to see everything around him.

"There were before." Eliott clarifies.

"It's very nice." Lucas admits. It's true, in front of him, he can see the length of the forest and the trees surrounding the house. It is beautiful.

Eliott turns his face to meet his blue eyes. "This is my favorite place in the house." Eliott confesses with a small smile drawn on the corner of his lips.

"House?" Lucas asks him with a slight tone of sarcasm. "This is like a palace." Eliott shrugs his shoulders.

"I think this was a studio before it was abandoned."

Lucas leans his face to the side. "Why do you say that?"

"For the abandoned furniture." Eliott goes a little further into the room and lifts up what is a white sheet, exposing an armchair only from a distance Lucas can see how worn and dusty it is.

The truth is that there is not much furniture around it, maybe three more than the armchair, it is also covered by a white sheet. Lucas can tell from a distance a table and what might be a mirror, but he has seen too many ghost movies to know that a mirror never comes out in an abandoned house in the middle of the night.

Instead of venturing into the small room, Lucas walks to where the opposite wall is and leaves his back against the material for a better view of the sky and the view in front of him.

"What a waste of sight to turn this into a simple studio. Why did you bring me here?" Lucas asks him curiously as Eliott approaches him to lean against the wall next to him. "Are you going to tell me something about the stars or are you going to tell me about the constellations?"

Eliott lets out a short laugh that makes Lucas' stomach bubble with something like ecstasy. "I wish. I don't know anything about astronomy, I don't even know my zodiac sign."

"How?" Lucas says in a stronger tone than I had expected. "I don't believe you, everyone knows at least that about themselves."

Eliott denies with an embarrassed little smile on his face. "Not to me, I don't believe in that.

"Neither do I." Lucas recognizes. "It makes me a little nervous, but at least I know my sign.

"Yes?" Eliott raises his left eyebrow by moving a little closer to Lucas.

Lucas nods quickly. And he was being honest. Even though he didn't believe much in those things because he had grown up with a mother who believed that everything that wasn't written in the Holy Scriptures was pure invention of the devil, besides that, fate, the future, anything that had to do with predictions of his life used to make him nervous. These were things that were not in his control, and to admit or let someone else know what would become of him was a lot of power. And he wasn't ready to let anyone else have that power over him. But his zodiac sign wasn't something that had that control over him, in the end it was stuff that a lot of people made up to get some bills from a newspaper or a magazine or a website.

"It's a pity you don't know; I would have liked to know more about you."

Lucas says in a funny tone expecting to receive some laughter from Eliott, but that never comes, instead the older boy throws him a question that makes his forehead tense and he has to push his mind to work properly.

"Did you ask the guy his sign?"

Lucas is about to ask him to repeat the question again, but stops in time to record the words and realize what Eliott is talking about.

"Dominix?"

Eliott nods slowly in response.

Lucas makes a small grimace by tilting the corner of his lip downward. "I didn't get the chance."

"And did you like it?" Again, another question that makes it difficult for Lucas to keep up with Eliott. Why do you want to know that? Lucas thinks about it a little bit before opening his mouth and answering the question.

"He's nice, but he's not really my type." Lucas confesses with honesty. Yes, the boy was attractive, funny, kind, a person he could spend a good time with, but he wasn't his type. He wasn't physically, but there wasn't anything that pushed him towards him other than the fact that Lucas spent more time paying attention to someone else than Dominix and that was proof enough for him not to be interested in the boy anymore.

"It seems that he did like you." Eliott points to him with his eyes, his arm where the small ink drawing Dominix left on his skin rests.

"A little romantic and flirty trick." Lucas says quietly, looking down at his arm, that one second he is wrapped by Eliott's hand. His thumb is on his skin delineating the lines of the little planet. Lucas can feel a little chill settle on the bottom of his stomach and rise up to the back of his neck.

Eliott moves closer to Lucas, standing in front of him a few inches away without letting go of his arm from his long fingers. The older boy has his eyes carefully placed over his blue eyes and slowly descends through his lips as if he were carefully studying his face in search of something.

"Did you like it?" Eliott also asks so quietly that Lucas fears for a second that he has lost him.

"It may be," Lucas also lowers his eyes to Eliott's lips, which, despite the dim light, look moist. "At least he made an effort. At least he tried."

Lucas throws the answer hoping that Eliott will catch it, but the boy doesn't give any sign that he will, he simply lowers his face leaving a few inches between the two.

"And did he make it?" Eliott's breath falls on his face and Lucas leans back against the wall to capture his entire face.

"No, I didn't want it to be him.” And these words come out before he has time to think about it, before he can stop and analyze what his next move will be, Lucas's lips open and let out seven words that he didn't expect to sound so deep, but also so full of expectation. He had never felt so vulnerable, but at the same time so excited to confess his true intentions. Lucas lets out a part of what he feels, a part of himself that sounds so incomplete but which for him is a take-it-or-leave-it.

The short seconds of silence made Lucas's heart beat faster and his ears hurt so much. It was hell. It was torture to see those clear eyes, those sharp cheekbones, those half-opened lips and feel that warm hand on his thin skin and not know what will happen. What if it's not enough?

"Who?" Eliott's hand goes up his arm and over his shoulder to rest on the side of his neck. "Who were you waiting for?"

Lucas is afraid to swallow and that it sounds so loud, so obvious. His body's shaking right where Eliott's palm is going down to his neck.

"I can't tell you." He says with a small smile hidden in his lips.

Eliott tilts his face to the side by lowering his lower lip in a ridiculous pout that makes Lucas want to close his eyes. "Please." He pleads with him.

Lucas denies with his head slowly biting his lower lip. "Why?”

“I don't want you to know.”

Not yet. I don't want you to know that I find it hard to concentrate when I'm around you. I don't want you to know that I waited for you like an idiot one night. I'm not ready for you to know that I've had a hard time finding the sensations I feel with you, in other people. I don't want you to know that you make it impossible for me not to think about something other than that smile, your eyes, your hands on mine, I don't want you to know what I feel because I don't know yet. I don't know what this is. I can't describe it and I don't want to, I don't want to share it with anyone else. I don't know how to tell you that I like to spend my days with you listening to your long silly ideas, your thoughts, your feelings, knowing about you, knowing about your family, I like to know about your friends who love you, I like to listen to you, I like you to listen to me and I haven't felt like this before and I am afraid, I am afraid that this is an illusion, that this is not going to last, that you don't feel the same, that I am risking something, why? Because I'm not ready for this to end yet, because everything that starts has to end and I don't want this to end, not yet.

"No yet." Lucas finally answers.

Eliott doesn't say anything, but he doesn't move either, on the contrary, his hand goes up slowly delineating his jaw with his thumb before Eliott separates his hand from his skin moving some locks of hair away from his forehead.

"Lucas." Eliott calls him away from his thoughts, but his eyes remain on his face. Carefully looking at those two clear eyes that are studying him as closely as a believer would worship some kind of idol.

Lucas hums in response feeling unsure of what to say.

"What are you thinking?” Eliott tells him quietly, lowering his face, that it would be enough for Lucas to tiptoe between his lips.

Your eyes. I'm thinking about your eyes.

"In your eyes." Lucas's voice comes out as slowly as if he was having trouble connecting his mind with his mouths.

Eliott frowned a little in confusion and Lucas took the opportunity to raise his hand to his cheek, passing his thumb over his cheekbone without taking his eyes off Eliott. Even in the moonlight Lucas could see how his pupils were dilating and turning his iris into a thin line.

"I can't make out their color." Lucas confesses quietly, and Eliott's face leans over Lucas's palm, closing his eyes and then opening them again in a second.

"They are gray." Eliott gives him his answer. The answer to the question that Lucas has been pondering in his head for days. The color of those eyes.

Grey. Gray as the color of the sky pointed out to cry. You are gray.

"I like them." Eliott's hand goes down on one side of his face while his other hand remains leaning on the wall next to him. Lucas sighs slowly enjoying the proximity of Eliott's body to his, a warmth runs through him from the bottom to the top and when Eliott's hand rests on his cheek, Lucas fears that he may feel that warmth on his skin.

But Eliott doesn't say any comment about his obvious blushing, he doesn't smile or touch any part of his face, he just leans forward making Lucas close his eyes waiting for the contact of his lips on his, but that never comes, instead a little electric shock hits his skin when Eliott leaves a short kiss on his neck, just where his hand was before. Lucas turns his face a little, leaving his cheek to rub against Eliott's soft hair.

He leaves one, two, three short kisses that Lucas lets lie his head on the wall giving him space and just as his body shakes forward, feeling an open kiss from Eliott on his flesh, one of Eliott's hands comes in contact with his abdomen.

Lucas opens his eyes by calling him. "Eliott."

"Mh?"

"What-" Lucas has to suppress a little complaint when Eliott pulls away from his neck looking him in the eye. "What are you doing?"

"I want to show you the stars."

He opens his mouth and closes it again trying to concentrate on something other than what were Eliott's last minutes carefully kissing his skin. "How corny."

Eliott leans his face to one side without taking his eyes off his own. "Would you leave me?"

Lucas gently swallows his saliva and bites his lower lip without being able to avoid his glance at Eliott's own lips. He nods slowly forcing himself to raise his eyes to meet those dark gaps.

"Are you going to make up names?"

Eliott laughs a little, passing one of his hands over the back of his neck until his thumb touches the part he recently kissed. "I could do that."

And with Lucas's first slow nod. Eliott lowered his hand down Lucas's arm until he took his hand, leaving his palm extended upward. Lucas feels a slight tingle in his skin as his forefinger slowly brushes his mount of Venus.

"Then you have that there is a star that always heads north and it is called: Polar Star. This is a star that almost never changes, but always shines." Eliott draws a thin line with his index finger on his palm as if he were drawing the stars on his skin. "But it is not loved by everyone."

"Why is that?" Lucas asks with a scowl.

Eliott stops drawing the line and instead gently passes his fingers over his palm to his wrist.

"Because it is always associated with death. Some say that those stars killed a god warrior who is among the Ursa Minor and that those stars’ shine as a sign of victory, and others say that the Vikings used the dust from the bones of their enemies to make those stars.” Eliott explains the legends to Lucas.

The younger boy cannot help but smile a little, causing Eliott's serious face to relax a little by lifting the corner of his lips upward.

"What?" Eliott finally asks Lucas as his hand moves upward resting again on one side of Lucas's neck.

Lucas has to contain his desire to lean on the touch of Eliott's skin. "And you believe in that?"

"No, I don't believe that the stars are bad or that the fire in them is out of hatred or revenge.” Eliott slowly denies and lowers his gaze for a few seconds to Lucas's lips, and he manages to see it, even if it was only a few seconds, Lucas captures it. "I believe that they are stars that are meant to be there, to guide others. And I think that when someone sees something impossible like a star that has been up there intact for thousands of years they simply associate it with something super powerful or bad, but they think that really the same star that helped you find your way north is the same one that will help someone get home.”

He hadn't seen it that way and he never would have imagined that that could be the reason why a star shines every night, sure there was a scientific explanation but the way Eliott had said it sounded so sad and at the same time so tender.

He bites his lower lip, letting a sideways smile take shape on his face. "Vikings don't like that story."

Eliott's smile gets wider. "They would hate me so much."

"It must be a little sad." Lucas dares to speak his mind. "Being up there all the time and seeing how things change and you're still there.”

"The stars have no thoughts." Eliott's tone is fun and relaxed but his hand remains firm on his skin.

"What do you know." The older boy shrugs. "Maybe someday she will go out."

"Maybe yes, then everyone will need her.

Lucas nods in agreement trying to keep his serious expression but obviously fails to see Eliott's satisfied smile. "Damn bastards after talking so badly about her."

They both laugh again after that little comment and Lucas leans his face up to see Eliott's face better.

"It's just stories, I don't think she cares."

"No, of course not." Lucas frowned slightly and Eliott took the opportunity to run his thumb down the line of his neck and jaw gently. Lucas has to swallow slowly and hit himself hard mentally to remember what he was going to say. "She is busy being the brightest star of all.”

This time Eliott doesn't respond, he remains silent observing carefully that part of Lucas' neck where his lips touched his skin and left that strong heat. Lucas is tempted to approach him and push himself on his feet to close at once for all that need to feel Eliott's lips against his own, that need to let his tongue dance with Eliott's, that same need that had only increased since he had come so close to touching him. But if Eliott did not kiss him, would it be for something? What is he waiting for?

What am I waiting for?

And before Lucas had time to think, his mouth opened and spoke to his surprise.

"Do I still have it?" He feared for a moment that he was not clear enough and had to explain what he was talking about, but from the calm look on Eliott's face, he understood that Eliott captured his question.

"Yes, but it's much better than before.” He passes his thumb gently back as if he wants to engrave the touch under his skin.

Lucas rolls his eyes while Eliott walks away a little bit now taking his arm and passing his finger slowly over the drawing, but this time as if he wanted to make the ink disappear.

"And with that, your boy's got talent."

Lucas slowly nods his eyes down to his forearm where the lines of the planet can be seen in contrast to his white skin. "Thank you, I will let him know."

Eliott's eyes rise to meet his own for a few seconds, Lucas can't figure out what he wants, what happens? He averts his eyes and clears his throat a little before speaking again. "I think we should go down.”

"Yes.” Eliott agrees and takes a step back, releasing Lucas's body from his and leaving him completely alone again. "Come down, I just have to make a call."

"Okay." He starts walking to the door of the room, but before he can get out, he turns his face to see the boy looking towards his cell phone. "Eliott, does the star exist or was it all an invention?”

Eliott shrugs his shoulders slightly with a small smile hidden in his lips. "I told you I don't know anything about astronomy.”

All the way back to the first floor of the house, Lucas was leaning against the wall so as not to get lost, following the sound of the music that kept getting louder as he approached the party. There were many more people than before he left, but before he stopped to look for a place to rest, a hand took his arm and turned him back until he found himself near a large window, or what was left of the window, and a small balcony to sit on.

"Here you are." It was Emma's cheerful voice, the girl had her hair a little messy on one side, but her face was flushed and warm. "Your boy was looking for you."

"My boy?" Lucas asks hesitantly trying to get closer to her to make himself heard, but Emma's hand falls on his shoulder pushing him back a little while she nods quickly.

"Yes, the dark-eyed guy." She tries to explain.

Lucas opens his mouth to tell her he knew who she was talking about, but Emma comes forward with a question. "Where were you?"

"I was upstairs with Eliott." Lucas responds as Emma's eyebrows rise so high that they could easily have been lost in her hair.

"It can't be." She has a funny, surprised smile on her face. "He took you to the glass room?" Something is completely churning in Lucas's stomach and he can't help but nod. "Wow, I thought he didn't take anyone there anymore." Emma's eyebrows went up and down in silent involvement. "You know." Emma winks at him as if he were sending her some kind of secret message.

Lucas feels his mouth opening, but manages to close it in time before Emma realizes his expression and is able to read his emotions. All that surprise, pain? A deep feeling of desolation. Why did he think it was something special? Of course he didn't. Eliott had a habit of doing that. Lucas swallows hard the knot that is beginning to form at the bottom of his throat and gets up from the seat.

"I have to go." Lucas announces to Emma.

The girl looks a little confused at first, following the body that Lucas is feeling so out of place. "Already?"

"Yes, I have things to do tomorrow." Lucas makes up an excuse that Emma doesn't pay much attention to simply by getting up from her seat to wrap her free arm around Lucas's shoulders in a tight embrace that makes everything inside Lucas shiver and feel like dropping right there. "It was nice to meet you; I hope to see you again."

Lucas manages to get out of the embrace. "Yes, I hope so too."

"I'll tell Eliott you had to go, don't worry." Emma assures Lucas before he nods and answers with a short: Thank you.

And that had been more than enough for Lucas to get lost in the crowd, ready to call it a night. Ready to go to his hotel room and hide under the sheets of his bed, close his eyes and forget those words of Emma's. Eliott was taking people up there with him? What was going on? Was that what Eliott wanted from him? Of course, he didn't expect to be Eliott's first or even last, but knowing that the boy was to conquer many, knowing that Eliott was looking for nothing more than something fast broke down completely whatever idea Lucas had in his head. And again he ended up under his bed asking himself a thousand questions, hiding his head and trying to only remember the good times. The seconds when Eliott's face was inches away from his own. The warm kisses he left on his skin and even the hand that embraced his with such patience and delicacy.

What do you want from me?

Lucas asked himself again and again in silence.

What do I want from him?

And among his last thoughts that were dancing around his head, Lucas didn't torment himself by wondering why Eliott hadn't kissed him. Instead he repeated to himself over and over again that if he could go back in time and go back to that glass room and maybe be brave enough to touch his lips to Eliott's and tell him it was him. It was he who wanted him to mark his skin. It was he who he was waiting for with such desire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is this week's or last week's chapter, I don't know yet, but I hope you liked it and please tell me what you think in the comments. As always, thanks for taking the time to read it and take care of yourself!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Light mention of mental disorders and also of eating disorders.

The minutes were passing more and more quickly and Lucas still hadn't finished deciding what he was going to do. Headache? That didn't stop him the first time he woke up with a deadly hangover. Could it be a cold? He was pretty sure that if he said something like that Eliott would forgive him that they wouldn't be able to go out that day, and already, he would be free to don't have to see that face for today. As much as the thought of not seeing him was something that would make his stomach and chest really hurt. The thought of even seeing him after what he felt last night, after hearing Emma's words filled with so many assumptions, was still enough to make Lucas want to take his stuff and run. Why was he so stupid? And since when was he like that? Lucas resisted the urge to hit his head right when his cell phone announced the arrival of a text message that forced him to leave the bathroom to the technological device.

The message was from Eliott. Well, it was his time to invent his best excuse.

**Eliott**

**08:24**

good morning sleeping beauty

i have good news for you

what is it?

my friend agreed to help us

what do you think about it?

wow, that was fast

why i thought you'd be more excited

of course i'm excited

i'm two seconds away from being pulled out of the hotel for rioting

so get a grip on yourself because we haven't finished our mission yet

yeah right, our

exactly, four o'clock is okay for you?

can't you now?

no :( they changed my shift for two weeks

four o'clock is fine

perfect, i'll send you the address later

And soon Lucas' plan to escape from seeing Eliott that same day simply disappeared, but it wasn't such a bad idea because today he will finally have news about his grandfather. He would know where he was and maybe, just maybe if he was lucky enough, he could meet him soon. A part of Lucas was happy, relieved and even a little excited to know what might come for him but also a part, not so far away from him, was a little disappointed and sad, that maybe it would all be over very soon. Just when he and Eliott had already reached some kind of level, a step that was so hard to achieve - a small step on very fine concrete but already an advance - everything could end just now. Eliott could go with him to visit his grandfather, but so what? What comes after that? Go back to New York? He doesn't even remember what his life was like there, what is that life like?

Lucas waits, tries to work on his thesis that morning until lunchtime approaches and goes out to eat something at a restaurant not far from the hotel. And he still waits, waits for half an hour, an hour until his cell phone rings again but this time with the address of a place. And he doesn't waste much time. He takes the first cab that comes along and goes straight to where he hopes to be the meeting point with Eliott. What could have been half an hour or maybe forty minutes later, Lucas finds himself in front of a big wooden door that just has the numbers that his cell phone screen dials, after checking it about twice and long after ringing the bell and waiting, finally a voice from the microphone speaks.

The voice says something short in French to which Lucas takes a step closer to the bell to make himself heard even though there was almost no one around him.

"I am Lucas Lallemant." He answers in English. "I am looking for Eliott Demaury."

"Ah, wait." The door makes a loud noise. "Come in, the fourth floor, the door at the back."

Lucas doesn't have time to thank him before the door closes and he gets into the building. It is not a very big place, on each level there is only a long corridor with doors and wooden steps that creak under its steps to the next level. Lucas reaches what he believes is the door that had been indicated to him, and all that short way he had thought about why the person had not told him a number but he had already realized the reason, in front of him there were no numbers or letters that would help him locate the apartment. He mustered his courage and knocked on the tall, dark wooden door and waited, lowered his eyes to his feet counting the seconds until the door finally opened in one quick motion.

And it wasn't Eliott.

Lucas tries not to make his disappointment so obvious when he looks at the boy in front of him. He is a boy about your height, only with blond hair combed back, brown eyes hiding behind glasses and a much paler complexion than him.

"Are you Lucas?" The boy asks in English, which is quite clear. Lucas nods his head without wasting time.

"Yes, it's me."

The boy moves to one side giving him enough space for him to enter. "My name is Arthur." He introduces himself by closing the door behind him. "Eliott's friend, unfortunately."

Lucas has a short laugh. "Yes, I understand the feeling."

"I swear that just because certain information is in danger, he and I would have cut ties long ago."

Arthur makes a small grimace that makes him laugh again as he follows the boy through his apartment to what appears to be a small kitchen consisting of only a simple wooden table full of papers, a refrigerator, a stove that seems to need cleaning soon and a window that is wide open.

"You came too fast." Arthur pulls two cups out of a cabinet that is quite empty from where Lucas is standing. "Elliott hasn't even come in yet."

"Oh, he gave me the address and told me to meet him here at four." Lucas explains to what Arthur responds with a slow nod without taking his eyes off what might be brown.

"He lied to me, you're much more punctual than he said." Lucas rolls his eyes and Arthur laughs a little. "He also told me you do that a lot."

"He's a gossip." Lucas leans a little on the door frame. Arthur finishes preparing two cups of coffee by filling one of them with too much sugar.

"That's right." Arthur states.

"What else did he tell you about me?" Lucas asks, trying to hide his curiosity.

Arthur doesn't bother to save the sugar and leaves it on one of the highest piles of paper.

"He told me not to give you any coffee." Lucas feels his mouth open and drops his jaw in surprise. "But since you laughed at my comment and I see that we share the same opinion about Eliott, I will give you a cup."

Arthur extends one of the cups that didn't have any sugar in it and he comes a little closer accepting the coffee that is offered to him.

"Thank you." Lucas thanks him when he feels the heat of the coffee under one of his palms. Arthur gives him a pleased smile.

"Here's some sugar if you want it."

Lucas shakes his head as he blows a little on the liquid. "That's good." And then he takes a long drink of caffeine that goes down his whole throat and makes him feel a thousand times better. Lucas closes his eyes and sighs.

"Wow, what has Eliott been doing to you?" Lucas meets Arthur who has his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"You have no idea." Lucas takes another drink that could have burned his tongue but he doesn't care. "He has used the worst torture techniques on me."

"I can imagine it." Arthur nods his head to indicate that he should follow him. "Come, he won't show up for a few minutes."

"Is he always this late?" Lucas ventures out wanting to know what Eliott is normally like when he's not with him. He had already seen him with his other friends, Idriss, Imane and Emma, but not with someone like Arthur.

"No." Arthur begins to move some things around in what appears to be an armchair that is hidden among some things. "He's going to come here with the excuse that the traffic is slowing him down, I'll put it on."

He shakes the couch cushions a little bit until I get them right, indicating to Lucas that he can get comfortable. "Sorry about the mess, I don't spend much time in my apartment and well, sorry."

Arthur apologizes and Lucas denies with a small reassuring smile.

"It's fine, the one who should apologize is Eliott for inviting me without being his department."

The blond boy laughs as he sits down. "God, you know him well. I like you a lot, Lucas." Arthur assures him with a smile.

"Thank you, by the way, for helping me with my problem."

Arthur shrugs his shoulders as if to play down the importance. "Don't worry, I don't think there's much I can do anyway."

Lucas frowned slightly, lowering his coffee cup. "What do you mean?"

"Eliott didn't tell you, did he?" Arthur assumes, and Lucas simply denies slowly with his head raised again to take a short sip of coffee.

"I'm just a simple video game programmer." Lucas feels his eyebrows rise up. "Yes, people think it's great but after a few years it gets a little boring to be behind the program and not making use of it. So I don't know if my knowledge will be much help."

Lucas lets out a short sigh. "Yes, I understand."

"But I know about technology." Arthur is quick to add as he sees Lucas' slightly downcast face. "I'm not an expert or a detective but I can be of help with something or so Eliott thinks, to him anyone who knows how to do more than turn a computer on and off is a bloody genius."

Lucas smiles as he hears Eliott's friend refer to him. He likes to meet Eliott's friends, he likes to see the way he behaves around them or to hear those words full of so much despair but more love, as if behind those fake complaints there is a: I would give any of my hands for him.

"It's okay, don't worry, anything you find will be useful." Lucas assures Arthur, the boy smiles with a nod as he reaches into his hair, making some locks of his forehead disappear backwards.

"Have you known Eliott long?"

"No." Lucas responds by taking the last sip of coffee from his cup and seeing it empty. "Only a few days ago."

Arthur releases what sounds like a blow. "You're so damn lucky."

Lucas laughs at his words and when he is about to answer, the apartment bell rings announcing the arrival of another person. "Speak of the devil."

Here he is, Lucas thinks, but he doesn't say it out loud. Instead, he sits on the low chair listening to Arthur open the door and after a few seconds of silence some voices reach Lucas' ears from the place where he is.

Some laughter and some words that from a distance Lucas can't quite decipher. He bites his lower lip hard while keeping his eyes focused on the empty coffee cup that rests in his hands. He can hear his heart beating louder in his ears and the sound of his breath coming in and out of his lungs heavier as if there was an invisible hand in front of him that is taking care of tightening his chest.

Lucas closes his eyes and opens them again when a voice calls him from across the room.

"Here you are." Eliott is smiling openly, exposing his white teeth and making his eyes look a little smaller and wrinkled on the sides. Eliott's eyes fall into his hands and then the smile fades away through the door. "I told you you couldn't give him coffee."

Lucas gets up from the armchair following Eliott from behind while listening to Arthur's answer coming from the kitchen.

"Excuse me, what kind of host would I be if I didn't offer my guest something to drink?" Arthur points out with his clear English.

Eliott rolls his eyes. "Since when are you so kind?"

The blond boy shrugs in response. "We had time to talk before you came and I like him very much, much better than you."

Eliott lets out a puff turning his face to see Lucas with a silent question that he answers with a nod and his raised shoulders saying a clear: It's true, accept it.

"You like everyone better than me."

Arthur lifts the corners of his mouth, drawing a big smile on his face.

"Very true, dear friend." He takes one of the coffee cups he had prepared along with Lucas' and offers it to his friend. "And you don't make it very easy for me to continue this friendship when you do these things."

Eliott takes a sip of his coffee before he starts coughing. "What did he say to you?" He asks Lucas after he can breathe normally again.

"The truth." Lucas answers with his eyes closed, trying to look the least affected.

The older boy makes a short grimace on his lip, lowering his eyes to the coffee. "Yeah, but that's all I got."

"Hey!" Arthur protests in the distance but Eliott doesn't take his eyes off of Lucas's, deciding to simply ignore his friend.

Lucas nods slowly, letting out a short sigh. "I know, whatever helps is fine with me."

Eliott's face relaxes a little by raising the corner of one of his corners upwards giving him a sideways smile. "It ain't much but it's honest work."

"At least I know how to open a word page without the whole computer freezing up," Arthur drops the comment as he makes his way to the door past Lucas.

Eliott laughs, provoking Lucas to do the same by lowering his eyes to the coffee cup that is still in his hands.

"Give it to me." Eliott tells him as he brushes against Lucas's hands, taking the cup and releasing his grip. Lucas raises his eyes and Eliott makes a small movement with his head. "Go with him before the light goes out and he can't help us."

Lucas turns around leaving Eliott in the kitchen and advances through the small apartment to one of the doors in the corridor where some noises come from. It is a small room like the other rooms but to Lucas' surprise, everything is in order, there are no papers scattered everywhere, the walls and floor are clean and empty and almost the whole room is empty except for a very tall and big desk in the middle of the room in front of a TV and there is Arthur, sitting on a chair with a high back and comfortable in front of a desktop computer with a screen as big as the TV.

"I have an uncle who works in a library and he has some records of newspapers and old things, I asked him for permission to access the data from the library and we can try to see if we can find something from your family there." Lucas can feel his eyes open in surprise and before he has a chance to respond, Arthur smiles by raising his index finger and pointing it out. "But you can't tell Eliott."

"Sure, my lips are sealed." Lucas makes a movement with his hands passing his fingers through his mouth.

Arthur smiles as he turns his eyes to his computer screen. "Well, if he finds out I'll never get rid of him, I swear."

Lucas stays by Arthur's side the whole time while the boy types on the keyboard, opens some windows, keeps typing, moving the mouse around and keeping his concentration on whatever he is doing. FROM one moment to the next Eliott enters the room standing in front of them while he gives Lucas a smile which, to his surprise, manages to calm his nerves a bit and makes him feel a little less alone in this whole process.

"What did you tell me your grandfather's name was?" Arthur places his index finger over his glasses by pushing them up on the bridge of his nose.

"Hugo M. Lallemant" Lucas indicates him by alternating his gaze between Arthur on the screen and successively.

The blond boy enters his grandfather's name in one of the bars and he can't help but hold his breath when the bar marks the slow motion until an endless stream of data and information slowly moves over the white screen in front of him. Arthur scrolls the page with his mouse with a scowl.

Lucas keeps paying attention to whatever he's reading but all the information he reads is more about people with last names like his, until Arthur stops at a little article that is dated 1944 and there it is, his grandfather's name along with a long list of other names.

Arthur hums in concentration and bites his lower lip as he moves down the screen. "I think this is your grandfather," Arthur climbs to where the name Hugo M. Lallemant is written, pointing to it with his mouse pointer. "And this is a list of people who served during the war, do you know if your grandfather was in the military?"

"No, I have no idea." Lucas responds in all honesty.

"And you don't know what your grandfather's middle name is or if he had another last name?" The boy asks him but Lucas denies again.

"No, that's all I have."

Arthur breathes a sigh as he looks back at the computer screen. "Well, I could try to find out if there's anything about your grandfather at that time or your father, what was his name?"

Lucas tells him his father's name and the whole process is repeated, Arthur writes, waits, goes down, reads, writes some more, goes down, goes up, reads and repeats the whole process again and again with the name of his relatives. Lucas is beginning to feel that the seconds are getting longer as if they were hours and soon finds himself accepting that maybe that is all he can find of his grandfather or his family, that is all he has kept in so many years of newspaper. Eliott's smile that is still reassuring but a little nervous is only making Lucas want to do the same thing he did with Lucas the night before, ask him what he is thinking, and suddenly Eliott's scowl that is so full of curiosity as he looks at Arthur takes him out of his thoughts.

Lucas looks at the screen which is written in small and slightly blurred letters but nevertheless contains some kind of information that is making Arthur's eyebrows raise in surprise and emotion.

"I think I found something." Arthur looks at him with a smile before pointing to the article in front of him. "It's an obituary, but it's not your grandfather's, don't be scared." He quickly clears up when he sees Lucas' worried eyes. "It's from your great-grandparents, your grandfather's parents. I found your grandfather's name among the condolence message and it's addressed to the soldier. Your grandfather was a soldier."

Lucas's mind goes completely blank hearing those words. He would never have imagined that his grandfather had served his country, much less that he had been in service when World War II was still raging. Lucas slowly swallows and approaches the computer screen as Arthur rises from his seat GIVING him room to read what is printed on that newspaper page after quickly turning it over a page that translates the image.

> The Head of State sends his condolences to:
> 
> **HUGO M. LALLEMANT**
> 
> First Sergeant.
> 
> For the sensitive death of his beloved father.
> 
> _"Receive my deepest condolences, Mr. Lallemant, for the irreparable loss of your dear and respected father, may God strengthen your dear family."_
> 
> **Ministry of Foreign Affairs.**

A little further down is the date of February 27th together with the time that the Mass and funeral service will be held, also indicating the place of burial. Lucas bites his lower lip and without lifting his eyes from the screen as if he fears that all that information, however small and insignificant it may seem at first sight, could disappear in front of him completely.

"Eliott." Lucas calls the boy. "Come."

Eliott obeys by going around the desk to where Lucas is standing next to him, he points out the name of the place to Eliott with his index finger.

"Do you know this place?" Lucas asks him, to which he answers with a quick nod without taking his eyes off the screen. "Can we go there?"

Eliott turns his face to meet Lucas's eyes. "Sure, we can go now."

Lucas smiles low in gratitude after feeling as if a large weight on his chest was being reduced to a minimum. He is about to thank Eliott when a small sound next to him, not so far away, takes him out of his thoughts completely.

"Eh..." Arthur calls his attention to it by having Lucas turn to his right to meet the face of the boy who is alternating between Lucas and Eliott as if trying to catch up with something. "I could try to find out anything else about your father or grandfather."

Arthur suggests, to which Lucas cannot help but breathe a sigh that makes all his shoulders fall down.

"That would be great. Thank you very much, Arthur." Lucas says to him in the softest, most pleasant tone trying to convey all the appreciation he was feeling for the boy at that moment.

Just when they are both about to walk out the door of the apartment and ready to venture into another one of those days where neither of them knows how things are going to end, long after Arthur writes down the names of some Lucas' relatives as his mother, when he was giving Arthur the last hug that caused Eliott to frown a little bit full of bewilderment and Lucas had to pretend he hadn't seen him.

"How did you do it?" Eliott finally asks his friend.

Arthur crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Google, Eliott. Some of us do know how to open a browser tab." Eliott is opening his mouth to say something, but he manages to cut it off by heading towards Lucas now. "It was nice to meet you, Lucas."

"Same here." Lucas responds politely by giving him one of those sideways smiles he used to keep for people who managed to earn his company.

"I hope to see you again without this one here." Arthur shakes his head, pointing to Eliott and looking at the taller boy. "See you later."

And with this last one Arthur closes the door of the apartment leaving Lucas and Eliott standing in the long corridor of the old building. Lucas can't help but smile a little as he meets the look of Eliott who is silently studying him with curiosity.

"What?" Eliott tilts his head to the side as Lucas begins to walk up the stairs.

Lucas shrugs his shoulders and bites his lower lip to keep his smile from getting bigger. "Nothing, but never consider yourself an old man with technology."

Eliott pushes his shoulder a little bit in a funny way without being able to hide that smile that was starting to show up in the corner of his lips. "I'm doing my best, okay?"

It would probably have been a good time to say thank you to Eliott for having convinced his friend, for having accompanied him, for making it possible for him to know a little - even a little - about his family, for being by his side and because now it will take time out of his afternoon to go together to visit his great-grandfather's grave. Lucas felt grateful for having found him, and he feels that he has not felt this way for a long time. So safe and happy, so relieved, he had never felt the need to hold someone's hand and tell him how lucky he felt, but he didn't. He didn't have the time or the courage to do it because soon they both found themselves on the street ready to take the first cab or ask for an uber that could take them to their next destination.

* * *

Not that Lucas thought his search would be difficult, but he also didn't think it would be simple and easy to carry out, much less imagine that he would soon be in front of his grandfather's grave. It didn't take them more than an hour to get to the cemetery, maybe fifty minutes if it hadn't been for the afternoon traffic, and when they were both inside Lucas froze completely because the place was huge, too big, it was a giant field full of so many people who were no longer among the living ones and it was at that moment that he thought how fucked up they were. There was no way they could check name by name until they found his great-grandfather but Eliott had an idea. He went to the office that wasn't that far from the entrance and they both waited until someone answered. Eliott spoke to this lady who looked well into her thirties and after he indicated Lucas' last name, and the lady searched through the data, or so he deduced she was doing, he finally gave them the indications of where their relative might be.

And also to Lucas' surprise, Eliott was very good at locating places and guiding himself, and they didn't get lost. Yes, they both walked quite a bit but it was all worth it when Lucas found himself in front of that concrete grave with a carved image of an angel along with an inscription that was in French.

"My heart is in mourning but I find my comfort in knowing that you are at peace." Eliott reads the inscription quietly, not wanting to disturb the moment.

"I was very young." Lucas comments and it is true, the dates below the name do not indicate more than sixty years of age.

"You could ask your grandfather when you see him."

Lucas slowly nods his head. "I don't think I'll make it." Lucas can feel Eliott's frown on him but he ignores it while looking at what is in front of him. The half-old and half-ground plate, half broken and half forgotten, a grave just as abandoned under grass that is almost dead and no sign of any flower, any reminder, anything, just empty there. "There are so many things I would like to know but deep down I know I will never get those answers."

Lucas can feel the itch in the back of his eyes announcing the tears and he does not try to hide them this time, he does not try to hide his pain because he is tired. He's a little tired of pretending this isn't something important. Eliott's hand rests on his back and goes up to his shoulder, pushing him towards it and letting Lucas lean on his chest.

"I just want to know why." Lucas lets the first tear slide down his cheek and Eliott hugs his back. "Why didn't he try harder..." He bites his lower lip and tries to get loose but Eliott's arms won't let him. "I feel like a damn fool, thinking my life wasn't good enough."

"Hey." Eliott's hands rest on Lucas' wet cheeks forcing the boy to look into his eyes. "Don't say that. No one has ever had an easy life."

"I know, but it's so hard not to think about all that could have been." Tears continue to fall down his face and Lucas turns his gaze away from those gray eyes that are looking at him so carefully, so lovingly.

"You can't blame yourself for things that are not under your control." Eliott says slowly as he runs his thumbs across his cheekbones trying to erase any trace of sadness. "There wasn't much you could have done."

If I had stayed here, everything would have been different.

Lucas slowly denied, wrapping his hands around Eliott's arms. "If I had stayed, none of that would have happened."

Lucas breaks down in tears again at the last word and Eliott releases his cheeks by placing one hand behind his head and one hand on his back drawing him in and pushing him closer letting Lucas hide his face on his chest. Letting all sadness, pain, despair, helplessness, all the past fall on him, spill over salty drops covering his shirt and hands hugging his back trying to hold himself, trying not to fall in pieces on his feet. Lucas's body shakes uncontrollably and Eliott just holds him tighter, holding him in his arms leaving short kisses on his hair while whispering that he is letting go, that he is fine and that he is there.

Lucas cries for everything that was his life. He cries for his mother who used to invent songs for him in French every time either of them did something, he cries for the father who doesn't remember but who left his side very soon, he cries for the grandfather who loved him but cannot feel that love anymore, he cries for that seven-year-old boy who shared every piece of food with him, he cries for that mother who tried to fill that void, or her, in him, he cries for that father who was forced to accept what life had sent him, he cries for all that he was and he cries for all that he will never be. Lucas simply cries, he cries for those last fifteen years of his life, he cries for that pain that became as strong as the cement of that grave and he stops everything from falling into Eliott's arms.

Already when the crying calms down and the last drops of tears fall leaving him exhausted, Lucas opens his eyes and separates from Eliott enough to raise his face and see him in the eyes.

He says, "I'm sorry." Lucas apologizes, Eliott shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I wet your whole shirt."

"It's okay." Eliott assures him with a small reassuring smile that reaches his eyes and puts one of his hands back on his cheek dragging the remains of his pain back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

And that afternoon when Lucas does something he's never done before, he talks.

He and Eliott find a place a little further away where they can sit for hours and hours while Lucas drops his life completely in front of him. A place where Eliott's hand never leaves his and keeps him there, close, tight, caressing him with such tenderness and patience.

"As you know I was born here in France but when I was about three or four years old my father had the idea that my mother, he and I would go to America." Eliott nods slowly, indicating that he is listening. "I don't have many memories of my father because he abandoned us when I was about six years old, at first I didn't understand why he did it but as time went by I realized that he did it for us. For my mother, she..." Lucas swallows hard trying to soothe the pain that was settling in his lower throat and he looks down into his lap where his hand and Eliott's are resting together. Eliott gives him a little squeeze that is enough for him to continue. "She is sick. She's not well and at the time it was worse. She had these ideas that the world was going to end and that God and his angels were going to come down and save the faithful by giving them eternal life, so she spent a lot of time in the church. We went to Mass _every day_ and prayed _all the time_. It was her way of making God see us with pleasant eyes".

Finally Lucas raises his eyes to find Eliott's soft, worried look as if he could feel all those years.

"I had to learn to take care of myself since I was a child and I did what I could, I did what a six-year-old could do." Lucas explains. "My neighbor had three daughters and she occasionally took care of me, fed me, in fact, she was the one who put me through school. She also did what she could. And it was at that school that I met Harve." Lucas lets a corner of his lips rise up in a sad little smile as he recalls those days. "Harve was my first friend and I was his since his older brother died." Eliott's eyebrows rise in surprise. "Harve had a brother who was three years older than him and was diagnosed with leukemia. It was very hard for his family to lose him, but especially Harve when his brother had been his best friend. So, you can imagine the rest."

Lucas shrugs and Eliott closes his previously half-open mouth.

"You went to live with Harve's parents?" Eliott ventures a guess.

"Yes but not at first, it took a few years." Lucas clarifies the situation to Eliott in a few words before going deeper. "Harve's mother realized everything, it was impossible to not do it, and she tried to talk to my mother but all those times my mom refused or wouldn't listen. She just lived in her own world. And it wasn't until one day that something happened at school. I had gone more than one day without tasting a bite of food because there was no more food in the house and my mom was very careful with the money saying that we should be careful with any expense because God does not like people who waste. I went to school that Monday and I only remember falling asleep. A few hours later I woke up in the nurse's office and they tried to get me to eat a little, the school called child services. That Monday was the last day I saw my mom for over four years. The neighbor filed her statement with the school, services took me away from my mom and I was in the system for about three and a half years."

Eliott squeezed his hand, making Lucas feel his presence more closely. "Were you in foster care?"

He nods slowly, giving Eliott back the gentle squeeze. "Yes, I don't remember most of it. There were good houses and bad houses, but it didn't last long because of the parents' choice or because they had other children to take care of or for different reasons. Some didn't want to have me anymore, others got sick and couldn't take care of me." Lucas shrugs again, downplaying the importance. "Harve's mother tried to get me to come and live with them and she even went to visit my mom, who had spent that time at a clinic where she was being treated, and she says my mom only asked about me but I doubt it. I doubt she even knew who she was. It was a difficult year for both of us. It wasn't until almost four years later that she was able to get my mom to give up her parental rights and have a judge grant her my adoption."

"It was like destiny." Lucas says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes and can't spread across his face. "Or at least that's how some of us tried to see it." He pauses to stare at that little fountain a few feet away from them and some people who were sitting around the fountain talking or lost in their own world. "Harve's dad loved his son so much. You should see the way his eyes sparkle when he is mentioned in any conversation or the picture he keeps of his son and Harve in his office. He loves Harve too much even if he doesn't express it, but his actions are enough. It's hard for him to say how he feels, but he would die for his family. And I'm not saying he doesn't love me but he doesn't like me. I'm not his son and I never will be." Lucas turns his face to meet Eliott's with his eyebrows attached. "It was hard for mom to lose her son but she just wanted a second chance, on the other hand, dad was already over. It's as if he was relieved that his son didn't have to suffer anymore or that no one could hurt him as if that were all, the worst had already happened." Lucas smiles briefly, shaking his head when he realizes the coincidence. "It's like a phrase from the grave, sadness but also comfort that he's in a better place."

"You're nobody's replacement, Lucas." Eliott assures him looking a little upset.

Lucas nods slowly, letting a tear roll down his cheek from his eye. "I know and I never tried to be, maybe at first I wanted to be enough but over the years I just gave up. I stopped trying."

"He's a bit of an idiot," Eliott says seriously enough.

Lucas wets his lips before he speaks. "No." He disagrees. "Everyone has the right to feel the way they feel. Sad, disappointed, angry, helpless, what kind of game is it to have your child taken away from you and give you a skinny French kid?"

Eliott runs his thumb across Lucas' cheek down to his jaw while carefully moving his eyes. "What were you like as a child?"

Lucas lets out a breath. "What? Why do you want to know that?"

"To know which child I should have invited to play when I was seven." He put his thumb on his chin and Lucas had to resist the urge to be touched.

He smiles weakly as he swallows. "You would never have noticed me." At Eliott's scowl, Lucas continued to speak. "I have very thin knees and legs, badly combed blond hair, a crooked nose, ears that are too big, not to mention the bags in my eyes, and these teeth." Lucas points to both sides of his face. "Years of orthodontics, they don't make themselves."

Eliott laughs, releasing all his lungs and moving his hand away through his hair. Lucas also laughs a little as he feels a little more relaxed, as if all the air around him is getting a brighter and warmer color.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Eliott asks him without letting go of his hand.

Lucas lets go of the air he had been holding in his lungs and his shoulders fall a little bit down. "Yes, but first there is something I want to do."

The two boys went to the flower and arrangement store next to the offices, and Lucas asked the manager to make three flower arrangements with different flowers. It was a great mission to get the flower arrangements to his great-grandfather's grave, but Eliott did most of the work, leaving Lucas to carry the vases and lead the way to their destination. He took his time to clean up his great-grandfather's headstone, remove some more dead leaves and try to remove all those years of heavy cement. And finally decorate the grave by leaving the three large flowers with a full glass of water on each side of the tombstone. And Lucas was able to do something he had never done before, he spoke to his ghosts, and Eliott stood by his side silently holding his hand.

* * *

It hadn't occurred to him to ask Eliott where they were going. He simply followed him. They took an uber that Eliott had requested and after about half an hour they were both on a long street with some cars and buildings around them. It was well after seven o'clock at night when Eliott opened what appeared to be a gate with a false lock that closed a chain. And neither did he ask when Eliott smiled shyly at him, telling him to follow him, he just listened until the only sound that filled his silence was the branches creaking under his feet or the owls or the night air.

"Now here is a perfect place to leave my body," Lucas ends by saying as his face slowly turns from side to side trying to catch all the trees standing next to him.

Eliott lets out a snort that may sound like a laugh. "You have a strange obsession with hiding bodies." Lucas opens his mouth to protest but Eliott goes ahead and clarifies his prayer. "With _your_ body."

He lifts his finger and points to Eliott. " _You_ have a strange obsession with driving me into the darkness." Eliott laughs again but this time denies his head. "Where are we?"

"In my favorite place in the world." Eliott responds with that little smile that manages to hide but Lucas can grasp despite the darkness and the short distance between them. "You are the first person to come here."

Lucas bites the inside of his cheek as he remembers what had happened the night before. How he had ended up feeling when Eliott took him away from everyone and now he was here, claiming that he was the first one there by his side. His favorite place. It sounded so private and special, something that made Lucas want to run away and jump on his feet at the same time.

"The first?" Lucas asks him without looking into his eyes for any warning signs, but they remain calm as Eliott nods slowly. "Do you swear to me?"

"I swear." He answers her in a low voice.

Lucas turns his face to look ahead of him at the huge, dark, deep tunnel that appears. Even in the darkness of the night with the light coming from the moon and Lucas can see that the tunnel is made of dark brick. He is surprised for a few seconds just by watching everything very carefully until Eliott takes his wrist and pushes it inside and with the flashlight of his cell phone he lights the way to the inside of the tunnel.

"Welcome to my hideout." Eliott introduces it with his hands extended to one side as if that tunnel, the walls, the bricks, everything around him, was a real person that deserved presentation. "This is where I come when I want to be alone."

The walls were full of graffiti, drawings, words painted in different colors, black, blue, pink, red, purple, it was a wonder. A personal mark, a souvenir, some were bigger and others were smaller.

"What do you think?" Eliott finally asks him when Lucas stands at one end of the wall looking at a tall column that has some messages in French.

Lucas nods slowly, diverting his gaze from the cursive letters. "I like it. It's less creepy than it looks." Lucas realized that this was becoming part of him. That side that felt safer and more comfortable with Eliott even in the coldest, darkest, or most desolate places.

"It's been a long time since I've been here." Eliott tells him as he walks over to Lucas sitting on the floor.

Lucas did the same by standing next to Eliott and leaning his back against the wall behind him. "When was the last time?"

"About two years ago, more or less." Eliott's face is raised, looking up at the ceiling of the tunnel. "I found this place a few months before my mother left."

Lucas bites his lower lip hard trying to stop himself from asking the wrong questions or saying the wrong words. "Why did she leave?"

Eliott lets out a sigh, lowering his face to his hands that rest on his knees.

"Because I couldn't take care of myself anymore." Eliott wets his lips before continuing to speak and Lucas takes advantage of this moment to bring his hand to Eliott's hand, covering it with his own. Trying to give him the same support that he had given him a few hours ago. "Having a child and a husband wasn't what she wanted, or at least that's what I like to think. That the problem was hers and not ours. So it was only a matter of time before one day she would take her things and decide she couldn't do it anymore."

"You two didn't get along?" Lucas ventures to ask.

Eliott slowly denies meeting Lucas's blue eyes, which have not stopped looking at his face reading every line of his expression. "No, or well, I don't know. You're supposed to have some kind of relationship or communication with a person to know how you get along but we didn't have that. She disappeared from my life long before she left, practically from the beginning of my life, so when she left it was just like not seeing her physically. I just felt angry and frustrated with myself for not feeling anything close to sadness."

"I’m very sorry." Lucas squeezes his hand as Eliott smiles weakly at him.

"It's okay." Eliott says to him with all sincerity, shrugging his shoulders. "I just wanted to share this with you. I wanted to give you something of mine."

Give you something of mine.

Lucas can't stop smiling so he lowers his face trying to hide that sign of happiness that those words produced deep inside him. He swallows, turning his face around again and meets Eliott who has an equally satisfied and happy smile with Lucas's reaction as if he had managed to read his thoughts and decipher his feelings.

"Maybe someday you can go look for her." Lucas suggests.

Eliott smiles again, moving his hand and joining his fingers until both are interlaced. "Will you come with me?" He asks him with one of his raised eyebrows.

Lucas smiles more openly, letting his smile spread across his face. "Of course, we'll be like Mumble and friends going off to discover themselves together."

Eliott gasps as Lucas laughs at his reaction.

"I don't know if you have an obsession with Miller or with children's movies in general," Eliott has an expression of feigned displeasure that makes Lucas laugh again.

He denies quickly while trying to calm his laughter. Lucas can feel his face getting much redder from the warmth of his cheeks. "Admit it, he has good movies."

"No, never." Eliott disagrees. "You'll know what good cinema is one day."

"Oh yeah?" Lucas asks him in feigned curiosity, raising his eyebrow. "When? Are you going to make me a movie or what?"

Eliott's expression falls letting his eyes go down along with the smile that had been on his face all that time. "No, I don't think I will ever be able to."

Lucas frowned at first, feeling a little confused by the sudden change of mood between the two of them, but soon realized that Eliott's expression looked so sad and saggy and his words so somber. He swallows before bringing his face a little closer trying to see Eliott's face better.

"Is that what you wanted to study?" Lucas dares to ask quietly, to which Eliott answers with a slight nod. "Why didn't you?"

Eliott lets out a heavy sigh and turns his face to meet Lucas's. "College didn't come cheap and I didn't want my dad to have any more expenses." Eliott tells him in all confidence and honesty. Lucas can see how hard it is for him, but he still doesn't stop. "Some things happened too, I just put it off for so long and forgot about it."

Lucas nods, letting Eliott know that he understands the situation. He wets his lips with his tongue before he speaks again, before he says what he is thinking. "You should do it." Eliott's scowl is filled with a question mark that makes him look so confused and surprised as if he had lost the entire thread of the conversation, that only makes Lucas smile and bite his lower lip before repeating his words. "You should study it if you really like it."

Eliott quickly denies, looking sure of what he was going to say. "I would never be that good."

"You don't know that." Lucas challenges him with an upwardly raised eyebrow. "You could be good, but" he raises his index finger upward. "not as good as Miller, but you could try."

Eliott lets out a laugh that exposes all his teeth, and Lucas can't help but smile harder, letting his cheeks hurt.

"Thank you, I'm flattered." Eliott tells him with all the fake sincerity along with the sarcasm he can't hide.

"Do it, Eliott, so you can make me see the seventh art in a different way." Lucas pushes Eliott's shoulder a little.

"A mission impossible but I could try." Eliott accepts the challenge by lifting his chin up.

Lucas remains smiling until he breaks the brief silence.

"What would it be about?" He asks her curiously.

Eliott purses his lips, looking forward as if he were really thinking about his answer, but finally he meets Lucas' eyes again, shrugging. "I still don't know, any suggestions?"

"Mh," Lucas relaxes his body by doing the same thing Eliott had done. "It has to have a lot of adventure, some comedy, a _lot_ of action and you could put in some Blades Runner and Star Wars science fiction."

Lucas turns his face around expecting some response from Eliott and instead sees that the boy has his eyebrows raised and his mouth open, which does little to make Lucas laugh.

"Just that?" Eliott asks him with an inquisitive look that Lucas quickly nods to. "What about Mad Max?"

Lucas grimaces with his nose and lips. "No, that's for professionals."

Eliott laughs again, slowly nodding his head, while he sees Lucas' blue eyes, which are still so bright in spite of the darkness. "What about the clichés? Many or none?"

Lucas hums thoughtfully. "Some, just to keep the audience’s attention."

"I see." Lucas smiles gently when he feels the touche os Eliott's hand with his, the one that is still interlocked resting on Eliott's leg. "What about romance?"

"You could put in some romance." Lucas accepts it with a softer, lower tone of voice. "May my character meet this boy with this good physique that will make his head fly high."

God, Lucas feels that his face could break in two at any moment but he doesn't care. He doesn't care when all he can hear is Eliott's laughter, his small eyes, wrinkled corners and his wide smile. His happiness. I love that you are happy, can we stay here? Would you let me make you happy?

"But nothing pornographic." Lucas comments that Eliott's laughter is subsiding, but the older boy laughs again when he hears it. "We have to keep it serious." Lucas says as seriously as he can.

Eliott tries to quiet his laughter and breathe better, which Lucas keeps laughing at as he sees the red color of his face and the effort he is making to keep his composure.

"I like it." Eliott finally says when he manages to recover and clears his throat. "We have to keep the elegance."

Lucas nods slowly in approval. "Everything to the imagination."

"I like it." In the corner of Eliott's lips he pulls himself upwards with a flirtatious and delicate half smile that manages to make something hot settle on Lucas' lower stomach.

"Me too." He gives him back the same little smile, just as soft, just as intimate. "So right here and now you have to promise me that you're going to go to college and make my movie."

Lucas raises his hand by extending his little finger to the side, which Eliott imitates, letting both fingers interlock just like his hands. And as Lucas said, right there, with Eliott's eyes nailed to his. Eliott whispered a: "I promise you", before taking both fingers to his lips leaving a short kiss that made everything inside Lucas go round and round and a last thought will settle at the bottom of his head.

Shit, is this what I think it is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is this week's chapter and I'm very excited about the next one (which I think some will be just as happy) and as always, you can let me know your thoughts, which I will be happy to read. Thank you for every comment and every kudo, thank you very much for reading this story. And I send you a big hug, take care!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Eliott**

**07:21**

you will like where we are going today

**08:53**

please don't

what

i haven't even told you where we're going

how do you know i'll like it?

because everyone likes

some people don't like paris

that's one in a million

it is impossible not to like this country, but that is not important

is a place that everyone wants to go

the museum of louvre?

the lines are infinite

is a place that you see in all the movies

the cathedral of notre dame?

no and you know why we can't go there

another opportunity?

you told me you thought it was beautiful before you threatened to kill me

the eiffel tower?

wait wait you are going to take me to see it or we are going to see it all all

your fear of heights is selective, isn't it?

shut up

what time?

don't you need the address?

at 4 pm

okay

i'll let you know when i arrive

please don't get lost

🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

Lucas was not lying when he said he was quite excited about going to the Eiffel Tower. Let's face it, it's one of those places you should visit at least once in your life, but then that thought led him to another one that caused several strong palpitations in his chest and a huge dizziness that didn't let him think clearly while he was in the cab waiting to get as close as possible to his destination. The Eiffel Tower was so well known. It was a very popular tourist spot, much more so than any place he had gone with Eliott before and Lucas had a problem. A small problem that has affected his life at times. He is afraid of crowds and he doesn't know if there is a word to explain it, is there a phobia of feeling trapped in big but crowded places?

Lucas closes his eyes for a few moments, letting the air coming in through the window of the moving vehicle hit his face, taking big breaths of air through his lips and letting all the stress along with the air completely disappear from his body. And when he finally got there, or rather, walked to his destination because he wanted to take some time to calm his anxiety. He managed to take out his cell phone and dial Eliott's number hoping that the boy would answer it, but the number just kept ringing and ringing and suddenly Lucas realized that there were a lot of people in the place, in the surroundings and even in the countryside. He closed his eyes again trying to concentrate on his breathing.

Lucas was supported his hands on his knees for a few long minutes. So focused on not letting that anxiety lead to something worse, he didn't hear when his cell phone rang and he didn't when someone in the distance called him. It wasn't until he felt a hand on his shoulder that he put his whole body on alert and raised his eyes to meet those two gray irises along with a sideways smile that soon faded as he saw Lucas' state.

"Hey, I was looking for you." Lucas does not respond immediately, instead he lets out a sigh that makes Eliott put his hands around his neck forcing him to look into his eyes. "Is something wrong?"

"No." Lucas lies by lowering his eyes, but he can feel how Eliott is about to say something so he went ahead and told the truth. "It's just that crowds make me so nervous."

Eliott cracks one side of his lip like a little grimace. "I'm sorry, it's not usually this full at this hour, but I think they're going to do something." Eliott apologizes by lowering his hands to his shoulders. "But we can take a rain check on this if you want."

Lucas begins to shake his head before Eliott continues with his idea. "No, no, I really want to go up there."

Eliott lowers his shoulders looking a little more relaxed and nods slowly. "Okay, but if you change your mind you can let me know."

"Yes I will, but as typical as it sounds I really want to go up." Lucas confesses to him at the same time that Eliott's hands leave his shoulders and they both start heading to where the famous Eiffel Tower is located.

Eliott raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Wow I didn't look at you as a typical tourist."

Lucas laughed and bit his lower lip, preventing his smile from growing. "I'm not usually, but sometimes I have my exceptions."

"Do you have many such exceptions?" Eliott asks him in a tone that might sound serious but his half-hearted smile betrayed his total confidence.

Lucas lets out a short sigh as he thinks about it for a short time before responding with the same feeling Eliott was putting into him. "Some."

And Lucas had no intention of making it sound anything but honest, but he couldn't help but look at Eliott and wonder if he felt it too. Did he feel it? Did he understand it? Do you know what I'm saying? But Eliott didn't make any sign of getting it, he just kept giving away that lovely, warm smile which made him feel that he couldn't go a day without seeing it.

It is so unfair; Lucas thinks in silence. Being there, looking like this, making me feel this way and still not being able to do anything else. Why?

Both walked along the shore avoiding contact with so many people that now the number was growing little by little as they arrived. And luckily for Lucas the line to climb the Eiffel Tower was not as long as he expected. It only took them a half hour of waiting which went by so quickly thanks to Eliott who spent all that time talking about his work. The morning shift which apparently was much more tiring than the night shift which was normally always empty and was more boring than exhausting. There weren't that many people to attend to and people asking about a movie. It was at night when Eliott could take the opportunity to order the DVDs that were on the first floor of the store and also write.

"What do you write?" Lucas asks him with obvious curiosity in his voice.

Eliott's lips open in surprise as if he had just realized that he had revealed some kind of secret that he should not have let go so lightly.

Eliott finally swallows slowly. "A script, well, a film script."

Lucas feels his eyebrows raise for a moment, but then his forehead tightens as he looks at Eliott seriously. "You told me you didn't have any ideas for a movie."

The older boy laughs briefly when he notices Lucas' accusing look. "No, I told you I had no ideas for _your_ film." He defends himself. "This is a script I've been working on for years."

He nods slowly, biting his lower lip as he bends his gaze, watching his slow steps down the line.

"And what is it about?" He dares to ask after a short silence.

He raises his gaze to meet the face of Eliott who now has his lost to some point in front of him. "I'm not sure how to explain it." Eliott responds by looking insecure and a little scared.

"You could try." Lucas encourages him with a short smile that gets Eliott's rigid posture to relax a bit and settle down slowly before he starts talking.

And Eliott spoke and Lucas listened to him. He heard every detail about the story and maybe he couldn't understand every word, but he could feel it. He was able to live the life of those characters through the way the gray-eyed boy moved his hands and laughed occasionally, shrugging off his ideas and trying to hide his shame. But Lucas simply nodded, asking him to tell him more. He wanted to continue capturing Eliott's world that sounded just as strong, vibrant and a little dark as the real one.

"And what happened?" Lucas asks him without being able to stop looking for some sign that could give him some clue about how the story will end.

Eliott quickly shakes his head. "I can't tell you." He tells him in a more determined voice that Lucas had once heard from him.

Lucas places his hand on Eliott's shoulder. "No, please, you can't leave me like this. Was he really dead?"

He simply shrugs his shoulders, causing Lucas to gasp, which sounds as annoying as it hurts. "No, don't tell me he's going to be alone all his life. It's not fair, this has to have a happy ending."

"Not everything has a happy ending. Life doesn't always work like that." Eliott defends his point.

"What's the point of telling a sad and heartbreaking story like that, if in the end there's no hope at all?" Lucas raises his left eyebrow causing Eliott to laugh a little in response, which made him to let the tip of his corner of his lip rise a little, just a little.

"Tell something real."

Lucas lets out a mocking snort. "The real world sucks, you could give some illusion to your characters and have their happy story."

Eliott laughs again, shaking his head. "Since when are you so positive?"

"Since when are you so negative?" Lucas counters with a short smile.

Just at that moment it is their turn in the line that they have been doing for a long time and Lucas' excitement inside his stomach grows more and more as Eliott speaks in French with the manager and when he is about to take out his wallet to pay, Lucas goes ahead of him taking out a handful of bills that he has hidden at the bottom of his. The man frowned before taking the pile of bills and checking them, handing over all the extra ones he dropped.

"Stairs?" The manager asks him in English looking at Lucas. He opens his mouth to ask Eliott if there are no elevators when the man in front of him speaks again. "The elevators have an extra cost of five euros."

Lucas can feel his jaw drop before he finds his voice again. "Yes, the stairs will be."

The gentleman turns to take the tickets when Eliott's hand surrounds his biceps trying to get his attention.

"It's over six hundred steps." Eliott warns Lucas with his eyes open.

Lucas shrugs his shoulders trying to hide the way that number of steps made his knees shake. "¿And?"

"¿And?" Eliott repeats as if he can't believe Lucas's answer. "I remind you that you almost fainted when you went up two hundred stairs."

Lucas nods slowly at the voice of the manager who now finds himself looking at each of them with an equally bored and tired look.

"Well, then I will have broken my own record." Lucas smiles at the man taking the tickets. And he thanks him with a short thank you in French before turning around and going to where the tall tower is waiting for him.

Lucas can hear Eliott's laugh next to him that sounds a bit muffled. "Who are you and what have you done to Lucas?"

And Lucas also asked him, what was he doing? Maybe it was the thrill of finally knowing one of the most desired places in the world, but deep down Lucas knew there was something else there. It was that something that had been pulsating deep within him since the day before when Eliott took his hand and even many days before, when he saw him for the first time. He gave the boy a weak little smile before the two of them reached the foot of the stairs of the huge, strong iron structure that stretched out in front of him.

* * *

If Lucas could go back and talk to himself now, he would. He would go to him and hit him very hard in the face before he uttered any words because if he felt excited before to the point of climbing more than two hundred steps it would be insignificant. Well, now he can feel that his heart is seconds away from exploding from his chest and his throat is on fire as are his legs. It is much more than six o'clock in the afternoon when they both manage to get to the second floor, the second one, they had reached the first one and the view was good until Eliott proposed that the view from above was better but that they could surely leave it here for today and Lucas could feel it more as a challenge than a simple proposal.

His legs felt like jelly and perhaps the pain in the lower part of his sternum was some cramp, but Lucas did not care; he did not care about all that tiredness, that pain, that sweat, everything was so vague when he was in front of the whole city. The sky painted a clear yellow, orange and blue, right there where the sun was starting to say goodbye and the night was giving its first greetings. The level was almost empty except for a few people and the air was so clean, so pure, so fresh, it was the perfect climate. The perfect afternoon. And in the midst of that peace and euphoria, between the tiredness and the breathing that was already beginning to calm down, there Lucas felt so amazed. As if there was nothing else but the colors of the wide sky and the pile of buildings painted in a light color that let all the colors reflect on its walls.

The tears in the corner of his eyes began to threaten to come out when he realized that this feeling of tranquility in his chest was not eternal. That this moment was not forever. He swallows hard and wets his lips before finally talking to Eliott, who has remained, like him, silent and wrapped in all that spectacle that unfolds slowly in front of them.

"It's beautiful." Lucas says quietly trying not to disturb Eliott's thoughts.

"Yes, it is." Eliott agrees with him. "I would like to stay here forever."

Lucas turns his face to meet Eliott's profile. His gray eyes are shining from the last rays of the sun and his skin is bathed in a pale yellow color that makes a total contrast with the sky that is orange next to him. Yes, I could observe this view forever.

"I don't think the managers would like that idea." Lucas responds to his suggestion.

Eliott laughs a little bit by biting his lower lip and turning his face up to him. Suddenly his smile is falling until it becomes a more serious but equally serene look.

"I think so too, that gentleman was not a big fan of us."

Lucas slowly denies without being able to avoid sounding a small laugh when he remembers the Lord's unfriendly look. "He must be fed up with all the tourists."

"I don't blame him, I've been with one for over a week and I can't take it anymore." Eliott tells him in a serious tone causing Lucas to open his mouth and pushed his shoulder.

"Shut up." Lucas lets out a little grunt of complaint while Eliott laughs. "This is worth it."

"What?" Eliott asks him, but Lucas doesn't look him in the eye. He has his eyes fixed on the sunset that is beginning to fade more and more.

"This." Lucas tries to explain. "Getting up early, walking, spending money on a cab, going up two or six hundred steps. This is worth it." He turns his face to face with Eliott's attentive face as if he didn't want to miss a second of what Lucas was saying. "This view is worth a try."

Eliott's eyes light up as a small smile grows on his lips filling his whole face with a happiness that comes like a shiver down Lucas's chest and goes all over his body.

"Everything is for this experience." Eliott concludes with a smile.

Lucas gives him little nod with his head. "To the best experience ever."

Both of them remained there, standing at that point between the highest point and the sky observing the fall of the afternoon. Observing the clouds that are outlined by the last rays of the day all the way down, as far as if they were accompanying the sun. From that height you could see people walking back and forth in the long fields in front of them and unlike the first time Lucas was at that distance from the ground, this time Lucas did not feel much fear. He did not feel that vertigo or insecurity, there was no presence of that anguish and anxiety that had cut off his breath. No, there was only calm. Seeing everyone's life from afar, those small figures made like dark spots that moved from one side to the other was pleasant and a bit comical. How could they be real? But they were. There were so many people with so many problems like him. With one life, one family, friends, some had more, some had less, but they were all people just like him. How curious the world was from that distance?

The trip back to the mainland was much shorter than the climb. As much as Lucas was of the idea that going down is easier than going up, the mere thought of doing any kind of strong exercise with his legs made him want to sit for a lifetime and never get up again so to avoid both of them actually staying there hiding in the Eiffel Tower until someone came to get them out, they decided that the healthiest thing to do was to take the elevator. The wait was really short, but Lucas didn't mind, it was nice to feel the warmth of the night in the air and see the first stars shining on top of Eliott's head.

The number of people that there were a few hours ago was now multiplied. There was a huge amount of people around something. Eliott was talking, but Lucas wasn't paying much attention, all his concentration was on visualizing what was going on there.

Eliott waved his hand in front of his face. He shook his face turning his attention to the older boy. "Sorry, what were you saying?" Lucas apologizes, but Eliott just laughs.

"Do you want to go and see?" Eliott proposes while moving his head to one side indicating the place he had been watching.

Lucas bites his lip reassessing the crowd before he speaks.

He says, "Okay." Lucas releases the air he had been holding back while he decided if it could do any harm. "But only from afar."

"Only from afar." Eliott agrees before they both start walking to one of the gardens that is a little far from the Tower.

As they get closer Lucas can distinguish the sound of a piano and then that of a cello so low and little by little the violins become present softly until all together they form such a fine melody that it increases little by little. They reach the edge of the people and Lucas stands on tiptoe trying to see the instruments better. And among the sound of the music, by his side, he identifies Eliott's laughter and his look concentrated on carefully observing everything he is doing.

Lucas turns his eyes. "What's funny?"

"Nothing." Eliott denies biting his lip in a bad attempt to silence his laughter. "Do you want me to help you?"

Lucas crosses his arms in front of his chest leaning his face to the side. "What, are you going to carry me on your shoulders like this is Coachella?"

Eliott laughs again, forcing him to cover his mouth before his life is endangered by an angry crowd.

"No, of course not. Unless you want to." He tells him with a skeptical look that Lucas responds by rolling his eyes again.

"Come on, get on my back." Lucas opens his mouth to deny, but Eliott speaks again. "This way you will be able to see better and not feel bad among so many people."

Lucas takes a small sigh and nods slowly before wrapping his arms around Eliott's neck, letting him grab his thighs, lifting his body and leaving his chest attached to his back. A warmth settles in Lucas's stomach and his hands hold tightly to the sides of his shoulders as he rests his cheek on one of his arms trying to see Eliott's face.

"For someone who doesn't eat anything you're too heavy." Eliott complains with a smile spread across his face.

"Hey." Lucas frowned in disgust, causing Eliott to laugh again. And before he can say anything else, a low note from the piano catches his attention causing his gaze to turn to the side of the field where the pianist is.

A man sitting on the bench with a big black piano in front of him, Lucas cannot distinguish his face that is leaning forward with all the concentration in the world and his hands moving over the keys in a delicate and soft but skillful way, and suddenly the harp plays some strings along with the big cello that a woman in a black dress is playing with all tenderness. Lucas begins to see the other people accompanying the symphony as three violinists, two men and a woman, one of them with his eyes fixed on the notes and another with his eyes closed as if he could feel the music coming out of his body. Just like Lucas could feel it. It was wonderful, it was a dance back and forth, a role of games that everyone was playing to perfection.

"It's awesome." Eliott tells him quietly, so quietly that Lucas thinks he is the only one who can hear his words. And he finally turns his face to meet Eliott's profile, who is as consumed by music as everyone around him.

"Yes, it's impressive." Lucas says in a low voice as well.

He fixes his sight again on the little orchestra that is now about five meters away from them, and just the slow but constant notes go up to the top making Lucas's chest also do it and his cheek touches Eliott's temple, who leans his face leaning a little on him. The heat inside his stomach grows as well as a little tingling where their skins touch and extend from the top of his spine to the tip of his feet. Eliott hugs his thighs more tightly preventing Lucas from falling and he instead clings with a little more need on Eliott's neck supporting his head next to his and letting his cheeks separated by a few inches.

Lucas closes his eyes following the example of the violinist in the corner. He lets the whole song go into the depths and makes its journey through each of the sensations that invade his body. The warmth of Eliott's arms surrounding his legs, his back glued to each corner on his chest letting his fervor and strength hold him and keep him on the ground. His rough skin brushing against his own, the pulse of his heart as well as his slow breathing that even between the tone of the music and the people around him, Lucas could still hear and feel under the palms of his hands. It was a delightful, warm, soft feeling, and before the dreamy music and Eliott's body, Lucas lies his cheek on one of his arms breathing deeply each of the emotions. He wants to memorize this moment with his senses.

The concert continued. One song, two, three, he doesn't remember if it was more than five or only four until Eliott's face turns around looking out of the corner of his eyes at Lucas who has his chin resting on his shoulder without being able to take his eyes off all the musicians who have been playing each and every one of the songs with the same patience, love and dedication from beginning to end.

"Tired?" Eliott asks him quietly just as he had done before.

Lucas rests his cheek back on his shoulder trying to meet those dark gray eyes that were becoming a secret necessity for him.

"No." Lucas denies, to which Eliott smiles weakly. "Liar, are you bored?" Eliott challenges him.

Lucas laughs low biting his lower lip. "No, I'm not lying."

Eliott does not listen to him and instead he turns his body and begins to walk a little far from the crowd, but even in the distance Lucas can hear the slow sound of the piano along with the violins. "Do you want to do something more fun?"

Lucas laughs again, leaning forward a bit. "Like what?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know, but first you have to take that dream away." And just at that moment Eliott begins to spin on his feet with great force and speed causing Lucas to hug his shoulders more urgently as he closes his eyes and hides his head between his neck.

"Stop it, Eliott." Lucas groans in complaint, but his request is interrupted by his own laughter which he cannot hide. "God, Eliott, I'm going to get dizzy."

But the older boy wasn't listening to him; on the contrary, he kept going round and round causing Lucas to laugh louder. He was so aware that there were people around him that he was probably seeing them wrong and that in the distance the sound of the violins' melody was still visible.

"No, Eliott, I'm going to throw up and it's going to be your fault." Lucas threatens him by raising his face and raises his hands to cover Eliott's eyes, who finally stops, dropping Lucas' body and making the boy collide with his chest and take a step backwards.

Eliott's arms embrace his back and hold him as Lucas clings to his shirt with his fists. The older boy's breathing is very fast and strong and Lucas' head is spinning around as he concentrates somewhere above Eliott's shoulder and blinks several times trying to focus.

"God, I hate you so much." Lucas assures him after swallowing hard trying to take a step backwards, but his legs shake making Eliott only hold him tighter preventing him from falling.

Although Eliott looks the same or even more dizzy than he does. He seems to be much more focused and is making a much greater effort to keep them both from falling right there on the floor of the big gardens in front of a lot of people and an orchestra that is still playing louder now.

Eliott rests his forehead on Lucas' closing his eyes.

"You have made it very clear to me." He says again in a low voice as if he doesn't want anyone else to hear his words, as if he is still surrounded by so many people who might be spying on his conversation.

Lucas lowers his eyes to Eliott's lips, which are a few inches away, and as if he had heard his thoughts, he leans more toward him, letting his two noses slowly rub together in a straight line.

"It is true." He also responds in a whisper and the need to swallow only increases as the strength with which he is clinging to Eliott's shoulders increases.

Please just do it, please, please, please kiss me.

Lucas does not remember ever pleading because he wanted to be kissed. Lucas had never felt this great need. All this commotion inside him. He felt like a little magnet, too small but powerful, that had a thin thread that would force his body to be close to Eliott's. Something inexplicable but much stronger and stubborner than him, which only increases its power when he more resistant to let himself go.

And Lucas brings slowly, being afraid to be heard, being afraid that this moment will end and that Eliott will disappear.

Please do so.

Eliott's eyes open slowly and as if everything happens just in slow motion. As if Lucas's soul had left his body and was seeing from afar. Eliott separates his face from his and the last thing Lucas thinks before daring to close his eyes and tiptoe is: Fuck it.

And suddenly the world takes a 180-degree turn. Lucas' hands sink hard into Eliott's hair, the boy's arms embrace his back while the tips of his noses brush his cheeks side by side with his lips colliding in a short kiss that Eliott does not respond to instantly and forces Lucas to part with him ready to apologize.

The pain begins to settle and so does the fear, Lucas keeps his eyes closed still preparing for what is to come, but soon he feels again Eliott's warm lips over his own along with one of his hands tightly holding his jaw pushing him closer and guiding his kiss. Lucas is completely out of breath, and can't help but let out a small gasp of surprise as he feels the kiss becoming more open, deeper, longer and intense.

All the boiling heat that had been in his stomach soon disappeared and in its place there was only a wave of butterflies dancing inside his body while a tingling sensation extended from his lips to his fingertips where he still strokes Eliott's hair with the same need without allowing him to go away.

Eliott manages to capture Lucas' lower lip between his lips leaving a short kiss there before separating him by a few centimeters leaving Lucas the same or even more dizzy than before. He is tempted to lean back over his body and kiss him, but he can hear his breathing, he can still hear the music around him and the voices of the people and their steps on the green grass. They are still there in the middle of the night in the gardens in front of the tall structure, in front of an orchestra. They are still there, and everything was real.

Eliott with a wide smile on his lips and his eyes studying every inch of his face while his hand rests on his neck that pulls him once more to leave a short kiss on the lips that is not enough to calm Lucas' emotion and only makes his blush increase.

Please do it again.

"Hello." Lucas can feel that he has the same drunken, dumb smile that Eliott has. He can sense it, what have you done to me?

Eliott's lips are a little swollen and redder than before but he still smiles with the same vigor.

"Hello." He answers him in the same silly way that causes Lucas to laugh and lean forward, wrapping his arms around his neck.

"What was that?" Lucas says in a low voice as he closes his eyes again, letting his forehead rest against Eliott's, who lets out a small sigh as he squeezes his body closer to his, making any space humanly impossible to separate.

"I have no idea." Eliott also responds by moving his face a little to one side and letting his breath fall a little onto Lucas's face. This causes Lucas's knees to shake a little for a few seconds before he remembers that it is impossible for him to fall to the grass because Eliott is holding him with great courage. "But it was good."

Lucas opens his eyes to find Eliott's peaceful but smiling face. "Yes, it was." He admits.

"We can do it again." Eliott suggests and Lucas can feel a fresh breeze running down the sides of his face and he realizes that he must be just as red or worse than Eliott. He bites his lower lip hard, hiding his embarrassed smile that only makes Eliott laugh when he notices it and he deposits a chaste kiss.

Yes. He was tempted to say it between kisses, but the word does not come out, it gets stuck there wanting to escape, but he stops it in time.

Do it all your life, please. Don't stop. Lucas begs in silence while he chases the lips of the older boy, who moves his face away from his, leaving a little distance between the two so that he can see himself better in the eyes.

Lucas releases Eliott's neck by letting his hands fall on his chest as well as his eyes. "I think we should leave. It's getting late."

It was true. The sky had already darkened much more than a few minutes ago when both were watching the concert and the air was getting colder leaving behind all the warmth of the day. As much as Lucas wished he could stay and continue to touch Eliott's hair, learning his every move, touching every part of his fleshy lips, savoring every smile or words spoken, God, it was torture. It was much more difficult to see that part of Eliott and to know how it feels to have his teeth between his lips and his heat on his lips.

Lucas forces his eyes off the lips of Eliott who now has a mischievous smile drawn on his face as if he could read his every thought or maybe he did, is it that obvious?

"Sorry, I forgot you have to be in bed by nine." Eliott jokingly tells him at the same time that he takes one of his hands and places a short kiss on his side.

"Rude." Lucas rolls his eyes in response and pushes Eliott a little bit with his hand making the boy stagger backwards without being able to avoid a laugh. He is so silly. A youthful move they had been doing from time to time but it never lost its element of surprise.

Both boys begin to walk side by side, getting further and further away from the crowd that is forming around the musicians who continue to play as if they planned to be there all night reciting to the moon and all those stars each of the notes they knew by heart until the sun comes back in a few hours. Lucas looks up at the top of the Eiffel Tower which is now lit by thousands and thousands of lights shining with a blinding glow. Silently he wondered if it was always this bright, if every day it stayed this high and bright, illuminating the sky and keeping company to each person who comes to see it.

"Did you like it?"

Lucas quickly turned his face to hear Eliott's voice speaking to him and had to blink several times to concentrate on what he had to say. Had he asked him about the kiss? Were they going to talk about it now? Christ, how could I not have thought of it?

"The music?" Eliott clarifies to Lucas even though he was not looking into his eyes, but he could guess from the silence between each question. He lowers his shoulders, feeling a little more relaxed as he realizes that the conversation is not heading towards where his thoughts are.

He nods slowly, even though Eliott's eyes are stuck in the pavement, carefully following his every step.

"I loved it. It's been a long time since I heard the sound of the piano like that." Lucas confesses to him as he gently swallows trying to find the words to express himself. "Music has been a part of me for as long as I can remember, but after my mother and I separated or even a little earlier when she was sicker, I just stopped playing."

Eliott's face rises in surprise to meet Lucas's. "And what did you play?"

"The piano." He tries to raise the corner of his lip in a small smile that at the end trembles a little, but Eliott does not manage to capture that detail. The boy just raises his eyebrows as if he were processing that information.

"Do you play the piano?" He asks again.

"Yes, my mother taught me. I learned how to read a sheet even before I could read it correctly." Lucas can't help but smile a little when he remembers that time when his mother used to sit at the piano and make up songs every time something interesting happened. If Lucas got up early and ate his breakfast, then his mother would go to the living room and sit down and play some happy tune while Lucas enjoyed his pancakes and then his mother would accompany him. It was so spontaneous and rare for others, but it was their thing. A kind of joke between him and his mother.

"She liked to do that. Sitting next to each other and spending hours playing. Practicing note by note and if I made a mistake she would just tell me that the next time would be better." Lucas continues to talk and shrugs off this last part, meeting Eliott's dark eyes again, which are watching him with keen attention. "But there came a time when no matter how many times I played for her, nothing got better."

And Lucas also remembered. He remembered all those times he tried to get his mom to sit down and listen to him or eat, tried to get her to stop spending her days locked in the room by putting so much incense in it that it made it impossible to even breathe, tried to get her to stop repeating the same prayers over and over again, he tried until he couldn't do it anymore. Until his head and eyes burned, until he had to learn how to keep himself alive, until his only source of survival was his best friend, until he discovered that the best way was simply to ignore and do what she wanted. Go with her to Mass, pray all she wanted, open some windows on the sly trying to dispel the heavy smell of the room. He tried, gave up and did what he had to do, but still he always felt it wasn't enough, what did he do wrong?

"I'm sorry." Eliott apologizes.

Despite all the memories that were haunting Lucas's head - and for the first time - he didn't feel bad. He didn't feel that pain, that heaviness, the sadness, the frustration, or the shame that he always felt when he thought about his mom or dad, anything from the past that could move him inside. Lucas felt calm, he felt safe, he felt comfortable talking to Eliott.

"It's okay." And he wasn't lying to him. It was true. Even when there was still that big part of him that blamed himself for every decision or action in the past, that part still screamed: What if my parents had never left? What if my mother had fought to stay? What if my grandfather had fought for us? What if we had come back? What if my father had never left? Would my mother be okay? Would it have been good for my grandfather? There were so many questions and no answers, nothing that could give him any more relief.

"Will you ever play again?" Eliott asks him this time trying to divert the conversation to a much safer territory.

Lucas thinks about it a bit before answering. He leans his face to the side and then slowly denies. "I am not sure."

Play again. He hadn't thought about it, but it sounded so far away and impossible now.

"Will you play for me?" A small smile pulls the corner of Eliott's lips as he lifts his chin and gives him a suspicious look.

Lucas laughs a little, shaking his head again and lowering his eyes before raising them again to meet Eliott's smiling face.

"I could try." He says in all honesty.

"That's enough for me."

The two boys keep walking until they find themselves a few blocks away from the Eiffel Tower but even in the distance the figure can be seen in the dark sky as if it were a lantern that could light up the whole city. On a street corner Eliott stops to walk around with his hands hidden between his jeans - a habit Lucas has learned to detect Eliott doing when he feels a little insecure.

"I can call you a car." Eliott offers and Lucas is ready to ask if they will take a cab together, but Eliott keeps talking. "It's getting late and it's not safe for you to walk to the hotel."

Lucas nods slowly. "Won't you come with me?"

"No." Eliott's mouth curls up in what appears to be a grimace and Lucas has to nod again looking somewhere in the street to think about what his next move will be. "I'm a little far from the road."

"I understand." Lucas smiles at him slowly and Eliott does the same by returning a short smile. He points his finger at some point on his back. "I have to go. See you tomorrow."

Eliott frowned a little before taking a step towards him. "Don't you want me to call you a cab?"

Lucas laughs at Eliott's worried face that only gets deeper. "I think I can get a cab by myself," he raises his index finger up and holds the older boy before he begins his sermon. "I'm not going to get lost. I promise I'll let you know if I'm kidnapped."

"Lucas." Eliott lets out a gasp that sounds like an annoying complaint.

Lucas rolls his eyes before starting to walk in the opposite direction. "I am serious."

He hoped that deep down Eliott would say something, anything, he didn't even know what he was waiting for, but he just wanted to hear him say whatever he could to give Lucas an excuse to take his face in his hands and push him into a kiss. Anything.

Say something, please, you can. But Eliott doesn't say anything.

He just denies with his head slowly biting his lower lip before bowing his face to the side.

"I'm serious too. Be careful." And Lucas lifts his thumb up and makes Eliott laugh again before he turns on his feet and heads to the other corner of the street where he has to wait for the traffic light to turn green for pedestrians.

And Lucas turns his face to his left, seeing over his shoulder Eliott, who follows him in the same place, but with his eyes fixed on the street in front of him and his shoulders leaning slightly forward. His hands are still hidden in the front pockets of his pants.

What did I do? Lucas silently asks himself, what am I doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally uploaded this chapter!! 🙌🏻 You have no idea how happy and also relieved I'm to be able to share this part of the story with you, which I know many were excited about coming so here it is. I would really like to read your opinions in the comments. And as always, thank you so much for every nice message, every kudo and even for taking the time to read this story. 
> 
> If you are curious about the songs Lucas was talking about when Eliott carried him on his back and when they kissed, are: Arrival of the birds - The Cinematic Orchestra and Fragile No. 4 - Dustin O'Halloran. 
> 
> See you next week, take care!!


	9. Chapter 9

That morning Lucas woke up much earlier than he expected, but it wasn't because his brain no longer let him sleep, no, on the contrary, he felt full of an energy that he hadn't felt in a long time as if he could go out on the street and run more than ten kilometers without stopping - maybe he was exaggerating, not ten kilometers exactly, but something like that. He stayed in his bed a little longer than he needed to simply look at the ceiling, enjoying the sun coming through the window and also the sounds coming from outside those four walls. The noise of cars passing by, the occasional motorcycle honking its horn and also the people passing by from time to time in the floor corridor. Heels, shoes, slow steps, fast steps, soft steps, a door opening, another closing, someone knocking on someone else's door. Everything was so rushed away from him, but there was also some kind of tranquility and peace that Lucas had not felt for a long time.

And he stayed there, under the sheets with his cheek resting on his pillow, watching the room's carpet slowly change color, leaving the darkness behind and projecting the warm light of the sun. Lucas did not remember ever enjoying these moments. He usually got up long after dawn, almost at midday, and other times he would get up in such a bad mood that all these little details would become annoying.

The dream was slowly falling on him and his eyelids were closing again when his mind went in a direction that he did not fully expect. He remembered the day before. The anxiety attack that hit him in the middle of the Eiffel Tower gardens. Eliott helping him to feel better. The six hundred stairs he climbed at one time he remembered, that, to his surprise, were not hurting him. The view from the top of the Tower. Eliott at his side smiling at him and enjoying a sunset. The little concert they saw together. Lucas' cheek against Eliott's. And the kiss. God, was the kiss real or was it a complete invention?

Lucas takes his hand to his lips remembering the ghostly feeling of Eliott's lips on his own. So soft, so slow, so needy, so hard, so firm and determined to take every second as if it were his last. And he surprised himself smiling and closing his eyes to remember every single second, trying to capture every instant and print it and keep it in the back of his mind so he could come back when he needed it most and have those memories, those sensations, those smiles, that need and those words, every movement and every second so he would never forget.

He closed his eyes and went back to sleep with the images running in front of his eyes like scenes from a microfilm until he was overcome by sleep. And he didn't wake up again until it was past ten in the morning and his cell phone was vibrating on his bedside table. He made every effort to reach the technological device, the screen had the name "Mom" along with the phone number, but Lucas simply turned it over letting it fall on his bed and he let the cell phone ring until silence came again.

He felt bad about not answering, but he also didn't feel ready to talk to his mom, not yet, maybe later when he thought of some excuse for his obvious delay in returning to America and not answering any of his previous calls, but he doesn't feel ready to lie to his mom again or talk about Harve. Christ, Harve. He hadn't thought about him in a few days and hadn't thought about his promise to call him. He's sure that's why his mom wanted to talk to him and that only gave him more reason to ignore the call.

Just then his cell phone vibrates again, but this time it's not a call but a text message from Eliott.

**Eliott**

**10:42**

good morning, how did you wake up?

why do you assume i just got up?

i didn't know you just got up did you just get up?

lucas

it's past ten in the morning

i'm not going to apologize for enjoying my vacation

i thought you had to work on your thesis

i have time

oh you are one of those who leave the until later

i have plenty of time

yes, of course

i want to see when you are suffering from leaving everything at the last minute

i still have time

and so time goes by

what

nothing

i just wanted to see how your morning was going, but you always do this

this what

change the theme

attack me

threaten me

getting money out of me

i don't do all that

maybe the last thing but the rest is your imagination

forget it, i won't ask about your morning anymore

okay, sorry, i'm fine

what about you?

all right, thanks for asking very kindly on your behalf

this is so weird, stop

what are we going to do today?

i'm not going to tell you

i just want you to get there before three this time

please, please, please?

i'll give it a try.

lucas.

i will arrive at 2:30

i'll settle for that

see you later

bye, good luck at work

Lucas did the same thing he had been doing all these days with one small exception. That morning he called room service and asked for something to eat and when the receptionist asked him what he was going to drink, Lucas was tempted to ask for a cup of coffee simply because he needed the motor to give him enough strength to get out of bed, but when he was about to ask for something he stopped completely. He felt very strange doing so without Eliott by his side, so instead he simply ordered an orange juice along with some sweet blueberry pancakes.

And he waited until it was a little less than twelve o'clock to go down to the lobby and ask for a cab to take him to the place that Eliott had indicated. And like the day before, the cab driver only had to hear the name to get going. It was quite a long trip, to tell the truth, maybe it had been the time - just when everyone was going out to eat and just when everyone was going for a walk - but Lucas didn't mind the ride. He takes advantage of that hour to look carefully at all the people who were walking on the sidewalk, the cars that were circulating in perfect synchrony, the big buildings and white houses, the children who were holding hands with some adult, the women who were passing from one side to the other with their dogs and also the men and women who were riding their bicycles with their helmets on their heads and some bag on their shoulders.

The day was being hot, but nothing that could make him uncomfortable. The cab driver spent the entire trip listening to some kind of old French song that Lucas could swear he had heard in English before. The song was repeated over and over again until the cab driver stopped in front of a tall building with yellow walls. It was impressive at first sight, and he stayed longer than necessary observing the exterior facade until he reminded himself that he must have met Eliott.

**Eliott**

**13:52**

i'm already here okay

i'm coming

still not here?

you told me i had to come early

and you told me you'd be there at 2:30 and it's not 2:30

we did not find any traffic

of course, why am i not believing you?

the cab driver drives fast

with this traffic? i doubt it

i hate you

liar

yeah, get in line and i'll see you in about ten minutes

how slowly your driver drives

i forgot to tell him that i didn't want to get there alive

how funny

if i get in i'll wait for you inside

no line?

few people

what a bad tourism we handle

see you inside

Lucas did not have to wait long to be attended to, much less to wait for Eliott, who failed to keep his promise by arriving about eighteen minutes later, eight minutes later than he had calculated it would take to get to the museum.

"You are a liar." This is the first thing Lucas says to him when he sees him walking up to him, a little near the entrance, next to some people who had stopped to be searched.

Eliott's eyebrows come together in a confused expression. "Why?"

"You said in ten minutes and it was eighteen."

Eliott's mouth opens and closes again before putting the words together and answering him.

"And you said 2:30 and it's 2:15." He takes his finger to his watch that rests on his wrist. "I guess we're even."

Lucas rolls his eyes in mock exasperation, tilting his head to indicate the entrance. "Come on, it's my treat today."

Eliott laughs leaving a beautiful smile on his face that manages to reach the bottom of Lucas' chest, and they walk together to the entrance where a guard receives the tickets after checking Eliott's backpack and letting them in.

"Are you inviting me today?" One of Eliott's eyebrows is raised upwards giving away his flirtatious smile.

"Yes." Lucas nods his chin up, feeling proud of him for something so insignificant, but that deep down did not feel like something trivial. He could get used to this, to thinking about Eliott. "I also discovered that there are special prices for foreigners."

"You're not a foreigner, what happened to being as French as all the other French people in France?" Eliott teases him with a laugh at the end.

"What? I never said that." Lucas smiles a little as he can't stop himself and bites his lower lip, looking at the big entrance where they could see a huge clock in the background and as big as if it were a train station and not a museum. "Besides, I'm 20% American, I have to make use of that 20%, don't I?"

Eliott laughs again, slowly shaking his head. "I don't know how you do it."

Lucas turns his face to meet Eliott's gray eyes that are watching him with such delight and happiness that they make Lucas want to smile in the same way, so full and without a hint of shame.

"What?"

"That." Eliott tells him very simply as if his answer were very obvious. "Get everything you want."

* * *

There were about four or five hundred paintings and in front of them was a picture almost the size of the wall. So high and so wide with a gold frame, where on the canvas was painted the figure of a naked woman next to two men who were sitting on the grass of a forest with what appeared to be some kind of picnic in one of the corners. And in the background, near a lake, is the figure of another woman dressed in white with one of her hands sunk in the water.

At his side Eliott lets out a small low laugh that makes Lucas turn his face to find that the older boy is watching him with a big smile.

"What?" Lucas asks him, unable to help smiling back.

Eliott bites his lower lip while still throwing him that funny smile. "You look so confused."

Lucas frowned, looking back at the painting and finally sighed, letting his shoulders fall a little. "It's a little..."

He fights to find the word, but Eliott steps forward to help him.

"Out of the ordinary." He doesn't ask him; he tells him quite confidently as if he could see it too. Out of the ordinary.

Lucas nods slowly without being able to stop seeing the lines of the woman's hand in the background, her arm elegantly extended under the water and her other hand holding the top of her white dress. Anyone could concentrate on the woman in front who is stripped of her clothes next to the two men, but the truth is that all attention was completely diverted to that woman who did not fit into the picture but was still a major piece.

"It doesn't make sense." Lucas comments by grimacing with his lip.

"Don't try to make sense of it." Eliott's eyes were also lost in the painting. "There are a thousand ways to make art. Music, painting, photography, sculpture, writing, film, but not all of them need to tell a story, not all of them have logic, they are simply there to be observed, perceived... for you to feel them."

And Lucas could have mocked him by saying how inspiring and professional his speech sounded, but he didn't, not when Eliott sounded so excited and so happy, so full with his chest lifted forward his illuminated eyes moving over the painting. Lucas took advantage of that moment to see in detail the work of art he had at his side, not in front of him, but the profile of Eliott. His nose was slightly crooked, his lips were pink, his eyebrows were thick and crowded on the sides, a vague trace of beard was growing above his lower lip, his cheeks were sharp and his cheekbones were high, his hair was messy and his ear was in proportion to his sharp face.

Yes, it doesn't make any sense what I feel, but I feel it. I feel it all the time.

"They have to make you feel something." Eliott turns his face to meet with Lucas' blue eyes and then he tilts his face a little sideways smiling. "If it doesn't convey anything to you, why waste time watching it?"

Lucas feels the corners of his lips rise little by little and he rolls his eyes. "For someone who doesn't study art, you sound so pretentious." Eliott laughs loudly at this comment and brings his hands to his mouth as he notices the looks directed at them. "You have material to be an art student."

Eliott's cheeks gradually turn red and Lucas quickly wets his lips with his tongue as the older boy lowers his eyes down, hiding his hands in his trouser pockets.

"Are you looking at me with a future?" Eliott finally asks him when he dares to raise his eyes. Lucas nods again, but this time much faster. "Yes, plus you owe me a debt."

Eliott accepts it and then moves his backpack at the same time as his head indicating Lucas to stand in front of the painting.

"Why here?" Lucas asks him with a scowl moving uncomfortably in front of the painting where Eliott indicates. "My grandfather didn't take any pictures here. "

"I know." He was concentrating on adjusting the slow of the camera and watching the screen that projected the image. "It's for memory."

Lucas lets out a puff, bringing his hand to his hair and combing it back nervously. "Are you going to take a picture of me in each one of them?"

He shrugs his shoulders, focusing the image on Lucas, and before his camera makes a soft sound, he responds. "We could give it a try."

Lucas remains in the still place looking also at the picture that is on the other side of the corridor, on the other wall, that seems to be a small boy in front of a big window and behind him, in a corner behind a wall, there is a figure.

"It's Monet's." Eliott is concentrating on watching the picture and has his lower lip captured between his teeth. "He was banned from the museum at first. They couldn't make sense of it either."

With this explanation, Lucas turns in front of the painting again and looks closely at every detail of the painting. The bright colors and well cared for, as well as the small lumps of the material that was used at that time. He swallows slowly and dares to meet Eliott's face when he feels the boy's hand on his that is now lazily pushing him towards the painting of the little boy. Lucas laughs following Eliott's bright smile.

Eliott told him about the work of Monet, his son and his wife, and he also told him about all the other paintings that were hanging on the high black walls. And Lucas liked it, it made him happy to see the emotion with which Eliott spoke of the movements, the painters or the images that had been adored, studied and preserved under this roof for years. His eyes opened, his mouth raised in a smile, his cheeks were painted red and his hands moved from one side to the other while he explained some character, some portrait or some scene. It was wonderful, it was much more entertaining and satisfying to hear and see Eliott than the very works that were about two meters away from them.

At first Lucas felt embarrassed that Eliott would force him to take a picture in front of every painting, he even asked him several times if it was necessary or why he should go out and not just the artworks? But each time Eliott told him the same thing: Because that's how it is. Lucas mocked him by saying that he had a gift and that he should be a lawyer instead of a film director, and Eliott laughed at his joke by pressing the button on the camera and shooting the image of Lucas looking proud of his comment. And a little after painting number twenty or thirty, Lucas forgot about the other people in the same room as them, and simply enjoyed every second Eliott bombarded his ears with so many names and words, even dates, and also the sight of Eliott behind the lens and the sound of the camera recording his smile, his bright blue eyes, his hands that sometimes stretched out and other times he simply left them resting in a relaxed pose. Lucas quickly learned that his favorite sound was Eliott's laugh every time he made a grimace or an impromptu face, and probably more than any of the artists who painted those great paintings would die a little more - more than was possible - knowing that a twenty percent American and eighty percent French boy was doing that in front of their works.

Unfortunately, they couldn't see all the paintings, there were too many, and Eliott wanted to go to another collection before it was too late. The gray-eyed boy dragged Lucas through the corridors, through doors, down big steps until they were both almost out of breath in front of a row of sculptures much taller than the two of them together, stuck head to head.

"Okay, this was the strangest thing we've seen so far." Lucas turns his face to meet Eliott who has his mouth open and his eyebrows raised. "What? You can't deny it, it's a little scary."

In front of them there was a relief of more than three meters, maybe a little more. From a man who is fighting a large alligator. The man, like a woman holding children in her arms, is safe on a stone that separates them from the alligator and below, next to this animal that has its big teeth on the outside, its nails scratching the stone and its huge scales, there is a woman lying on her head with her legs extended towards the sky. There was too much force in that whole scene.

"Is that what makes you feel? Fear?" Eliott asks him as his eyes, like Lucas's, are lost in the bronze relief.

Lucas bites his lower lip hard, stopping for a few seconds to think.

"I don't know, despair?" Lucas hesitates a bit, which makes Eliott give him a quiet smile.

"That's the bad thing about art too." Eliott comments, forcing Lucas to see him, but he doesn't look back. "You never really know what happened next. Everything has to end sometime. We'll never know if those people were saved."

Lucas nods slowly, pursing his lips a little. "Yes, we'll never know if that woman kicked the alligator and the animal ran out and warned all the other alligators not to mess with that family."

Eliott laughs softly, turning his head to look at Lucas with a little admiration, making the boy shrug his shoulders.

"Relax, Stan Lee, it's a 19th century sculpture and not a Marvel production either." Eliott says in a sarcastic tone making Lucas roll his eyes again in mockery. And just as he is about to push Eliott's arm with his hand, the boy grasps his hand and slips his fingers into his own, leaving them interlocked. A heat enters Lucas' skin until it reaches every particle of his body. Eliott doesn't look at him, instead he keeps looking at the relief of the man with long hair, but he doesn't pay attention to that and to anything Eliott says afterwards. He can't decipher more than two words together. He just watches. He observes Eliott's lips moving, his chest getting up and down, his eyelashes moving at a slow pace every time he blinks, he also takes note of Eliott's grimaces and every single smile every time he drops some curious fact or when Lucas tells him that he is earning his place as a tourist guide.

But, most of all, Lucas enjoyed the comings and goings of his stomach every time Eliott gave him a gentle squeeze or ran his thumb slowly down his forearm while his eyes were fixed on some sculpture.

How does he do it? How can he stand there studying every piece of art when he already exists?

At another time words like that would have made Lucas feel like running out and trying the material of that concrete on his head, but now it was different. It felt _so_ good.

Neither of them had felt time pass so quickly until Lucas's stomach growled, completely interrupting the silence. He could hear Eliott's laughter coming from his side, his eyes now small with some wrinkles on the sides.

"I think that's a sign that it's getting late." Lucas nods, tilting the corner of his lip upward in a half-smile.

"So much talk made my stomach get bored." He takes his other hand to his belly, leaving some pats on it. Eliott's smile becomes softer and he approaches him leaving a short kiss on his forehead.

Lucas has to suppress the urge to snort from the disappointment of not getting the kiss on his lips, but instead he simply smiles as he now pushes Eliott with his interlocking hands to what he remembers is the path to the Museum entrance.

"I thought you were going to take me to the Louvre." Lucas dares to tell him when they both pass through the entrance that it is still just as big but this time it is more illuminated.

"Your grandfather didn't go to the Louvre."

"How boring." Lucas complains.

"Louvre is boring."

Lucas opens his mouth in surprise forcing himself to blink several times trying to process those words. "Don't you dare talk about the Louvre like that."

Eliott grimaces, twitching his nose. "Many rows."

"They have the Mona Lisa." Lucas defends himself, but Eliott doesn't erase that expression that screams: You've got to be kidding me.

"Very small and very badly cared for." Lucas is opening his mouth to counterattack Eliott, but the boy comes forward laughing a little and bringing his hands to his lips leaving a kiss on his back.

Another kiss. It was his second kiss of the day.

"Come on, I'll buy you a Mona Lisa at the souvenir store."

Lucas laughs slowly denying without being able to take his eyes off that shy Eliott smile. "You can't buy the Mona Lisa in a store."

Eliott raises his eyebrow in defiance. "Do you want to see?"

It didn't take them long to find what appeared to be the souvenir store, and it wasn't hard to get lost among so many items either. Lucas went straight to the magnet section when he remembered Melanie's joke about her gift. At first he was tempted to take one or two that had Felix Vallotton's paintings on the front but then he decided no, she deserved better. And taking advantage of that feeling of generosity, he simply kept looking until he found a row of notebooks with several designs on the cover and took one that he thought was very nice. The pencil drawing of a woman with her back bare and her face to the side with her hands resting on her shoulders as if she were hugging herself. He liked it, he would use it.

He tiptoed around looking for Eliott until he managed to locate him on the other side of the store. Lucas went up to him and noticed that he had a small smile on his lips as he looked at what appeared to be bags.

"Look at this one. It's perfect for you." The boy takes one of the white bags that has something printed on it in French. "It's said, _I'm not good at anything._ It's your slogan."

Lucas squints his eyes crossing his arms over his chest. "Ha ha look how I laugh, but I don't think it's very useful."

Eliott laughs as he slowly nods down the hall and just as he is walking down the aisle inspecting more items, Lucas finds a small white bear keychain. Lucas takes it in his hand and the figure makes him smile a little, the texture is smooth on one side and he waits on the other side with the details of the animal's fur and its half-open mouth.

In the end Eliott gave up on his search for a Mona Lisa and they go to the cash register to pay for the souvenirs.

"Why a notebook?" Eliott asks him curiously as they both wait in the short line.

Lucas shrugs. "It is for you. So that you have somewhere to draw your raccoons."

Eliott opens his mouth and closes it again with obvious surprise before a small smile spreads across his face. "How do you know?"

"Imane told me at the party." His cheeks are turning a pinkish color that causes Lucas to feel a little warmer than usual. "Does it bother you that she told me?"

Eliott quickly denies. "No, it doesn't bother me." He takes a step closer to Lucas by placing his hand on the back of his neck. Lucas is ready to close his eyes and let Eliott kiss him right there, but the boy leaves a short kiss on his front as he pushes his body closer to his and then separates a little with a huge smile on his lips that makes his eyes look like two crescents. "Thank you."

Three. That was his third kiss.

"Don't thank me. Thank me when my credit card passes the test." Lucas jokes by pricking Eliott's abdomen with his finger, making the boy laugh.

And when it's their turn. Lucas kisses his card before handing it to the manager and lets out an exaggerated sigh of relief when the blonde-haired girl owes him his card without any inconvenience. After that they wasted no time in going directly to some place where they could eat. Lucas suggested eating at the same restaurant he had been visiting all this time, but Eliott insisted that they could go to another place much closer because for the sake of Lucas' stomach. And he agreed because a two-hour drive in afternoon traffic didn't sound like much fun. And he was grateful in silence when he soon found himself sitting at a table with a menu that offered him as much food as possible to eat.

"You have ten questions." Eliott tells him after the waitress will take their orders and assure them that their food will be ready in half an hour.

Lucas raises his left eyebrow slightly listening carefully. "Are we doing the ten questions?" Eliott nods his head. "Why? There's nothing else you need to know about me."

And he wasn't lying, it was true. Eliott is the person who knows the most about Lucas, the only person Lucas has trusted enough to talk about many personal things.

Eliott hums a little bit, looking a little doubtful. "Not everything, you didn't tell me you were studying pharmacy because that's what you study, right?"

"Yes, you have nine questions left now."

Eliott rolls his eyes with a little smile on his lips. "Why did you decide to study that?"

He wets his lips thinking a little about what he might say, but after a few seconds where Eliott casts an expectant glance at him. He sighs dropping his shoulders in defeat and resting his elbows and arms on the table.

"I did it for my mom, mostly for her." Eliott frowned a bit, paying full attention to Lucas, so he continued to try to explain himself better. "Medication is something that caught my attention. Something so small contains the necessary dose to cure some pain or kill some virus, and I'm not talking about just the pills but all medications in general. And it wasn't something I always liked. When I was a kid I didn't look at myself as a pharmacist, it sounds kind of boring, but when I grew up and discovered that my mom's problem had a name and that it wasn't always going to be okay but that there was only one small solution that could help her enough so I got interested in medicine, specifically medications."

Eliott's smile was small and soft, as if he could feel the same emotions that Lucas was feeling now that he had let it all out. It was the first time that Lucas was not lying, the first time that he dared to confess that his mother's illness had opened up his curiosity and with it his desire to study that career.

Lucas raises and lowers his shoulders while looking down at the polished wood of the table. Eliott's hand covers his hand forcing Lucas to raise his eyes to meet the gray irises.

"I was expecting a slightly more scientific and boring answer." Eliott jokes and Lucas gives a blow that turns into a laugh. "But that was pretty good."

Lucas swallows nodding while moving his hand enough to let his hands hold and Eliott slowly runs his fingers through his palm as he had done that night at the party while telling a little story about a huge, bright star.

"Do you want to hear something funny?" Eliott's smile gets wider waiting for Lucas to talk.

"You have nine questions left." It's Eliott's turn to joke, and Lucas can't help rolling his eyes, but he still keeps talking.

"I don't like to take medication." Eliott laughs a little with a confused frown in what seems like a tense expression. "I mean, I can take something for a headache, but something stronger than that scares the hell out of me."

Eliott's fingers stop and stand still as if they too were interested.

"I don't want to fuck with my head, it's already more fucked up than it is." Lucas shakes his head to the side with a little grimace. "I know what drugs can do to you and I don't want to depend on them if I don't have to."

Eliott nods slowly, moving his fingers carefully over Lucas' skin again. "I understand, but it sounds a little contradictory."

"Yes." Lucas laughs a little bit, biting his lower lip. "Harve told me it was as if I were a priest and at the same time an atheist."

Eliott also laughs, giving Lucas a gentle squeeze on his hand. And just at that moment he can see out of the corner of his eyes how the waitress who had attended to them a few minutes ago returns with some glasses and plates of food on a large tray.

It's about time, that's all Lucas can think about when his plate is put in place and he can feel that it's going to be the best meal he's had in a long time.

Lucas would very much like to continue with the game of ten questions, but his hunger is much greater, and he doesn't realize that he hasn't uttered another word until Eliott looks at him with a dazzling smile and his eyebrows raised.

"I don't think the plate has any other appointment to attend." Eliott comments to him, but Lucas is busy enough to worry about saying something intelligent.

A plate of pasta with meatballs, a cheese cake and a cup of coffee later Lucas was finally satisfied and his stomach was just as happy as he was.

"Why do you draw raccoons?" Lucas dares to ask, bringing the coffee cup to his lips for a drink.

"I don't draw _raccoons_." Eliott has a little smile on his lips. "I draw _one_."

"And why do you draw _one_?" He imitates the tone of voice Eliott used.

Eliott leans his face to the side without taking his eyes off of Lucas's. "You will laugh."

Lucas smile a little, quickly denying. "I'd tell you how well you know me, but I promise I won't laugh."

"I don't believe you." Eliott tells him to be determined, but Lucas comes a little closer by raising his right hand.

"I promise I won't laugh." Lucas says to him as seriously as possible and Eliott lets out a sigh looking unsure of his words. "Now tell me why. This makes me more curious."

"I have this..." Eliott fights to find the words.

"Fetish?" Lucas went ahead and guessed, but Eliott squinted.

"No, it's not a fetish. It's like..."

"Mania?" Lucas interrupts him again, but Eliott laughs in quick denial.

"No, you're running out of questions." Eliott points at him with his index finger in warning and Lucas raises his hands in surrender. "I've always been fascinated by this animal thing." And when Lucas is about to speak, Eliott raises his finger again to stop him. "Don't you dare say fetish." Lucas lowers his lip making a small pout that manages to get a smile out of Eliott. "I like to see people as animals."

"What?" Lucas frowned, bringing his hand to his ear and approaching Eliott as if his sense of hearing had just suddenly failed. "How?"

Eliott laughs as he pushes Lucas's hand away from his ear. He says, "Stop it. I know it's weird, but I see myself as a raccoon and that's why that's my signature."

Lucas brings slowly by watching carefully Eliott's shy expression and he can't help but feel a little tenderness. Will he ever stop being so cute?

"And why a raccoon?"

"They are great. They have these masks and they always walk in the dark." Eliott explains by bringing his hands to his eyes, imitating the marks of those animals around his eyes.

"And you already have an animal for me?" Lucas raises his eyebrow, causing Eliott's cheeks to turn pink, and the feeling of pride fills his chest. Eliott nods slowly trying to hide a smile and look more serious.

"Yes, but I can't tell you yet."

Lucas opens his mouth in surprise and lets his voice rise a little in unworthiness. "Why?"

"Not yet."

Lucas makes a small grimace with his face while leaving his cheek resting on his fist. "You are no fun."

Instead of answering, he simply shrugs his shoulders and gives him a smile before calling the waitress who is a few steps behind Lucas. And with that he could call it a night.

* * *

Okay, there were two things that Lucas had been wrong about. The first was that the night was definitely not over for either of them. And the second was that Eliott wasn't as boring as he had claimed. The night looked too promising and Eliott had dragged him into doing something so stupid - and also a little illegal - but it was fine, it was very fine and Lucas forgot all about it when he soon let the night air hit his face too hard, his legs complained a little about the effort and Eliott's laugh was the only sound his ears could hear.

Eliott's chest was attached to his back and he could hear his body vibrating as his arms embraced his abdomen with more force, preventing either of them from falling completely.

And well, nothing had turned out as he had hoped and Lucas could vividly remember the last thirty minutes of his life. They were both walking down the street and a small drop fell on Lucas' cheek forcing the boy to complain about the sudden change in the weather that had remained so warm to this day. And soon Eliott found himself commenting that his apartment was much closer than the hotel and Lucas doesn't remember - it's the only thing that escaped his hands - the moment when Eliott came up with the idea that they could get there faster by bike. After some "it's wrong, we're going to get in trouble, there must be a bike station nearby" and several promises from Eliott that he would return it the next day, they both ended up like this.

With Eliott sitting on the seat and Lucas leaning his body against his as his feet do their best to pedal as fast as possible before any storm gets any closer than necessary.

Lucas laughs loudly, shaking his head. "Why don't we take a cab?" He manages to ask with what little breath he has left.

"And miss the opportunity to exercise?" Lucas can feel Eliott's smile behind his ear, and just as he goes to tell him to shut up, Eliott places a short kiss on the back of his ear causing his breathing to stop and a chill to run down his back.

Four. That was his fourth kiss of the day.

Lucas swallows by biting his lip hard while pedaling as hard as he can. Impossible to do when he had Eliott's body under his, but he was going to make it, he was going to make it to his destination without doing anything stupid.

"In that house with the red door." Eliott points to Lucas by removing his hand on his abdomen to point out the place.

Lucas stops the bike with the brakes and lowers his feet stabilizing with Eliott's help so that neither of them falls to the ground. His legs tremble a little and Eliott hugs him from the waist avoiding that he ends up lying right there on the pavement.

"Better?" Eliott asks him with a look of dismay.

Lucas slowly nods his hand into his hair, trying to make the tufts that rest on his forehead disappear. "I hate you."

Eliott laughs, releasing Lucas and heading for the door of the building. "I remind you that you were the one who wanted to ride."

Lucas snorts following Eliott into the building. "Of course, getting crushed to death is not on my list of things to do."

Eliott simply laughs as they continue to climb steps until he stops one floor by walking up to a large wooden door that has number four and one on it.

Lucas enters behind him into a half-long hallway that has a small table and many shoes carelessly thrown aside the door along with a coat rack that has far outgrown its ability to hold so many more. Eliott drops his backpack in the corner of the wall before heading further into the apartment.

Lucas is lost as he observes in detail the two corridors that extend to the sides and when Eliott takes his hand to guide him, a voice from the other side of the corridor stops him completely.

"Shit." He hears Eliott whispering just as a figure that Lucas had seen before comes out of the door. It was Idriss. It was amazing how tall the apartments were when they managed to be even taller than Idriss.

The boy says something in French quickly as he points to Eliott with his index finger, but he stops when he recognizes Lucas and then his hand falls and a smile grows on his lips that manages to reach his eyes.

"Hey, Lucas, right?" Idriss tells him with an apologetic tone, which Lucas erases completely when he smiles back.

"Yes, Lucas." Idriss' smile only grows fully when relief floods his face. "So you kidnap the birthday boy today."

Lucas feels his own smile slowly fall as he turns his face to meet the most uncomfortable expression he has ever seen in Eliott. The boy isn't even looking at him.

"That's the way to say it?" Idriss asks Lucas and he has to look at the tall boy and slowly nod his lower lip.

"I was looking for you this morning, but you disappeared before I could talk to you." Idriss continues to speak, but this time to Eliott who lets out a sigh at the moment when his friend surrounds him in a strong embrace and tells him something in French that Lucas is sure is: Happy birthday.

"I have to go; I'll be back in a few hours. I have a shift tonight, but I was waiting for you to arrive." He bids farewell by dropping a few pats on Eliott's shoulder before turning to Lucas, who continues to alternate his gaze between one and the other as he rubs his brain back to normal. "It's always good to see you."

Lucas shakes his head a little trying to clear his mind a little. "Yes."

"Next time give a warning before you go off alone like that."

Eliott rolls his eyes in response before saying in a sarcastic tone. "Yes, mom."

Eliott's friend says something in French with a smile that seems a bit flirtatious. He gives his friend a quick wink that Lucas might have thought he imagined if he hadn't managed to catch it with his two eyes.

And from one moment to the next it's just the two of them again, in the corridor at the end of the entrance with the light of the room in front of them projecting their faces.

"Come." Eliott indicates by moving his head to one side and pointing to the opposite corridor where Idriss came from.

Lucas follows him to the second door on the right which is in the dark until Eliott lights a lamp on the other side of the room on a small bedside table. The room is neither so small nor so large, the walls are painted what appears to be a light gray color and there is also a large window with a white frame that leaves the buildings on the street and the night sky visible. Lucas visualizes something out of the corner of his eye and turns around to go to one of the walls of the room which has a small bookcase in one corner and a table along with a large blackboard where there are several drawings hanging. Color drawings, black and white drawings, more elaborate drawings, simple drawings, portraits, caricatures or simply figures of different colors and much more below, right next to the table Lucas noticed what seemed to be some kind of fish tank, but there was no water and much less fish, but between the glass rested a dark green figure on a small tree branch.

Lucas takes a step back and swallows hard without being able to clear his eyes of what appears to be some kind of reptile. "Is that a snake?"

Lucas wasn't even asking him, he already knew, he was affirming it, but Eliott likewise nods a little closer to the fish tank by running his finger through the glass as if he could caress the animal that way.

"Yes, his name is Brian."

Lucas can swear his eyes are two seconds away from popping out of his skull. "Why do you have a snake?" He asks in a tone of voice that sounded a little louder and shrill at the end than he expected.

"They are very beautiful animals." Eliott turns his face to look at him with a smile that quickly becomes serious as he tilts his head as he notices the dubious expression on Lucas's own face. "It's true, they are very intelligent and Brian would never hurt me."

"How are you so sure?" Lucas comes a little closer, leaving a few inches beside Eliott who continues to run his finger gently over the cage.

"I don't think you have any more questions available." He jokes. Lucas manages to push his body a little with his shoulder, causing Eliott to laugh a little. "Because I've had him for about three years and I'm his best friend."

"His only friend." Lucas clears his face with a sideways smile that forces him to lift his chin a little more to see Eliott despite the difference in height.

Eliott gives him back his smile in the same way. "It's a good friendship." He assures him.

The silence between the two remains for a while until Lucas summons up enough courage to let go of what was going around in his head insistently from the second he heard Idriss' words clearly.

"Eliott." He calls him with a slight humming as he turns his face to look at his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?"

Eliott shrugs off his shoulders by biting his lower lip, leaving some weak marks of his teeth imprinted on his skin. "You didn't ask me."

"You could have told me, but happy birthday." He says as gently as possible to convey to him. Lucas didn't feel like digging any deeper, if it was Eliott's decision he couldn't do anything else.

"Thank you." Eliott also responds in a whisper with a weak smile that makes his face look much younger.

"¿And?" Lucas asks with a raised eyebrow hoping that Eliott will say something, but the boy makes it clear that he has no idea what Lucas is talking about. "You have a wish. You can ask me for anything you want."

The older boy slowly denies while looking into Lucas' blue eyes. "I don't want anything. You already gave me something."

"It was a good birthday." Lucas admits to dropping his head on Eliott's shoulder.

"Yes." Eliott says quietly and Lucas can feel him kissing the back of his hair. "Very good."

Lucas closes his eyes for a few seconds taking a deep breath, allowing his lungs to take in as much air as possible and his mind to register each of the essences so that he can one day return to this moment. To be able to pass by some lavender plant and remember Eliott's arms. To be able one day to buy a vanilla candle and see clearly the dark curtains of Eliott's room. To be able to cross with the smell of cigarettes and live again Eliott's kisses.

Five. That's his fifth kiss of the day.

Lucas opens his eyes by raising his face and without stopping to think about it - daring to do so before he gets cold feet - he utters the question that has been burning him up inside.

"Why haven't you kissed me?"

Eliott turns his face quickly to meet his eyes again. His expression is completely captured, his lips half-open and he swallows slowly. Lucas follows the movement of his Adam's apple and then sees how lost he is. What did I do? He is two seconds away from crossing that door and leaving when in a whisper Eliott answers him.

"I-"

"You what?" Lucas can't help but sound a little hurt by that pronoun.

Eliott wets his lips by moving his eyes all over the place. His hands, his feet, Lucas's neck, but he doesn't look him in the eye when he confesses his greatest fear. "I don't want to hurt you."

It's Lucas' turn to be confused. Of all the things he could have heard, all the excuses or regrets, hearing those words was the last thing he thought anyone could say to him. Hurt him? That would not be possible, not when he is Eliott. When it's the same guy who offered to help him with nothing in return, the same guy who cares about him sleeping, eating or getting to safety. The same boy who kissed his neck to erase the wild mark of someone else. The same boy who has taken his hand and listened to his every sin. The same boy who wiped away every tear and kissed every corner of his face. No, not Eliott.

Lucas raises his eyebrows trying to find a way to let Eliott know that this situation is impossible and finally he chooses to bring his hand to one of Eliott's cheeks forcing him to look him in the eye. He looks so scared, why? You are the boy who makes me feel safe, happy, excited and sometimes it can be confusing, but above all happy.

"Eliott, you're not going to hurt me." His voice comes out as a whisper, but loud enough for him to understand his words.

Eliott slowly denies wanting to take a step away from him, but Lucas hollows his other cheek with his hand slowly caressing his soft skin with his fingers.

"You don't know that."

Yes, he didn't. He was afraid too, but for the first time there was something much bigger than his fear. Serenity and desire. Serenity, above all, something he remembers feeling two or three times in his whole life. When his mother would show up to pick him up from school after he thought she had forgotten him. When he realized that he would no longer have to spend his nights awake in some foster home. When his parents signed his adoption papers and he thought: This is a family.

And that courage, that word that filled him and made him feel taller, stronger, brighter and fuller. That word that cried out to him: Do it, because it might be worth it.

"I know, but it's just a kiss." Lucas stands on his tiptoes trying to close the space between them while Eliott hugs his waist with his arms sticking his forehead.

"No." Lucas closes his eyes again enjoying this. From this heat, from Eliott's body embracing his, from his mouth inches away from his. "It's more than that."

Lucas can feel Eliott's eyes on his own, but he doesn't open them. He leaves them closed by moving his face aside and letting both noses slowly rub together.

Yes, this is more than just a stupid kiss. This is about leaving my heart in your hands, and I'm scared too, but I want you.

Lucas thinks silently, and for the first time admits it. Yes, this is what I imagined. I am in love.

And it took a lot more strength than he was growing. It took much more strength to open his eyes and find himself in that gray sky that was watching him with such attention and love that it made the lump in his throat and the weight on his chest feel heavier. It took much more strength to swallow that feeling that he was screaming at him to run away before it was too late but it was too late. It was done. Lucas had already given him his heart long before he said it out loud.

His heart woke up the first time he saw it. He stands up the night Lucas ran after him. He slowed down the day Lucas told Eliott about his mother. He was ready to be delivered the afternoon Eliott held each of his broken pieces. And he gave it to him that night that he left the first kiss on his lips.

"You're not going to hurt me." Lucas says to him as confidently as possible, looking him straight in the eye. I trust you. "You can do it, Eliott, you can do whatever you want with me that you won't hurt me."

And how dangerous it was to be in love, but Lucas could care less about that when all that matters was Eliott's white smile and his gray eyes that looked clearer and brighter under the soft light of the lamp.

"You make things a little difficult for me."

"How's that?" He lowers his eyes, fixing his pink lips before raising them again.

"It's so hard to say no to you." Eliott says quietly and leans his face to the side, leaving his lips a few inches away.

Lucas smiles a little, taking advantage of the space to give Eliott an answer. "I always get what I want."

His lips met halfway kiss that caused Lucas to be short of breath at first. The kiss becomes slow, paused, taking time to enjoy the moment, but quickly transforms into a more hurried, voracious, lively, needy, open, strong kiss. Lucas opens his mouth giving him access to Eliott so that his tongue and his join in a slow dance as his hand unconsciously goes down to the beginning lifting a little and giving him space for the palm of his hand to come in contact with the skin of his abdomen.

A short gasp escapes from Eliott's lips as Lucas climbs up his back pushing his body more against his and making Eliott move away by cutting off the kiss.

"This..." Eliott whispers against his breathless lips. "Off."

He takes the bottom of his shirt in his hands and pulls it out over his head. Lucas, who feels that his heart is beating so hard against his chest ready to explode, imitates Eliott's actions by laughing a little when the boy kisses him again hugging his waist to push him to a hurried kiss.

Eliott's kisses fall down his jaw, his neck, his shoulder, kissing, sucking, enjoying every gasp, every half laugh of Lucas. He cannot control the sensation of shivering that goes up his body, he cannot control his hands that embrace his shoulders and his head that falls more to the side giving him all the necessary space that Eliott wants.

He had never felt this way before. He has never felt so available to another person. It has never allowed itself to be clay and to be molded to the person's taste.

Eliott's lips find their way with Lucas' again and both are consumed in a kiss where his hands go down to his abdomen forcing the older boy to walk backwards until he sits on the mattress letting Lucas to lower his face without interrupting the kiss.

Eliott's hands meet his butt pushing him to cut off any distance between them, making Lucas' breathing gets out of control, but he stops him by running his hands down his neck to his chest where he pushes him down until Eliott's back falls onto the mattress leaving him lying down.

"What are you doing?" Eliott asks in a broken voice as Lucas leans on his hand, letting another hand slowly slide over his body until it meets what his body was vibrating to touch.

"Hush." Lucas tells him with a little one that only makes Eliott bite his lower lip hard.

Lucas' fingers cover the top of his pants that feels much harder under his palm. Lucas has to swallow slowly but cannot take his eyes off the sight underneath him. Eliott with his shortness of breath, his chest rising and falling quickly, the blush that covers his cheeks and his gray eyes, which are now a dark color. Black, lost, anxious, affected. Lucas could not help but feel proud as he watched Eliott's lips parting as his hand moved over his obvious erection.

"Christ, this can't be real." Eliott asks again as Lucas pulls his hand away and begins to unbuckle his belt. Lucas can't help but laugh a little at that comment.

He was taking all the energy in the world not to do the same with his own clothes. It was torture to have Eliott's half-naked, needy body under him and not be able to let their skins touch each other. But this was not for him, this was for Eliott.

Lucas starts kissing the bottom of his jaw while unbuttoning Eliott's pants button while his hands rest around his biceps hugging them tightly every time Lucas takes a piece of his skin between his teeth containing his desire to suck, lick, kiss, mark every corner of his body.

"You didn't ask me for anything, but," he leaves a kiss on his collarbone. "I want to give you."

"Lucas." Eliott complains as his hand brushes the top of his boxers. It was the way he said his name with so much pleading. God, don't make it hard for me to get this over with faster than I want to, Lucas begs quietly. "You don't have to..."

Lucas interrupts him by lowering his hand until the only thing that separates the warmth of his palm and Eliott's pronounced erection is a thin cloth, and from his lips escapes for the first time a groan that causes Lucas to raise his face by pressing his lips against his own wanting to capture that sound. Wanting to take that moan, to take it inside him, that his whole body reacts to it and that his mind records it in fire so that he can never forget it.

"Take them off." Lucas orders Eliott to turn away from him by spinning on the mattress, doing the same thing he had told the older boy.

The two made the greatest effort to remove their pants and other clothing that still covered their clothes. Eliott ripped off his shoes, Lucas threw them somewhere he didn't pay attention. The socks flew into the air. Eliott pulled down his underwear along with his pants in one go as Lucas did everything he could to unbuckle his pants and pull down his zipper with his hands that were shaking with excitement more and more. And soon, both found themselves finally naked, excited, excited, expectant.

Without wasting time Lucas made space between Eliott's thighs, under his lips up to his abdomen while his hands patiently passed through the back of his knee up to his thighs. Eliott's tremor caused Lucas to be tickled, anxious to give him everything.

I will, I will if I can and I will give you everything I have, Lucas promised him as he looked up with a sideways smile that Eliott gave back to him in the same way.

It was so strange. The way they were both nervous as if this was their first time, as if they had never been touched, tested, as if it was smooth, new, virgin and pure skin. Different, special, longed-for sensations that they never imagined even in their dreams until today. But it was not like that, clearly, both had done this many times, but this was different.

They were different, and nothing like this was as it had been before. They know that.

And Lucas wanted to do well, he wanted this to be as good for Eliott as it was for him even when he hadn't done anything yet. It was going to be so good.

Eliott's fingers get tangled up in the locks of his hair. Lucas's ears can only catch his agitated breathing and the gasps of despair that fill the room as Lucas continues to push his way through his crotch without being able to stop his kisses around him, shamelessly avoiding touching the spot that they are waiting for. And it's taking Lucas one hell of a lot of time not to touch him or do the same with himself when his erection feels so heavy on his own body, pulling, pushing to the limit.

"God, Lucas..." Eliott complains in a low voice, causing him to raise his face and find his lost gaze nailed to the ceiling of his room. Under his eyelids Lucas can clearly see his profile drawn under the light of the lamp. The red of his face painting his neck, his messy hair, his loose jaw and his body rising at every touch from Lucas. His knees bend, leaving his legs up, letting Lucas hide between them, but he doesn't want that.

He wants to see everything.

Lucas leaves another kiss on top within inches of Eliott's wide erection, causing him to release another painful moan that is not making it easy for Lucas to concentrate.

"Can I?" Lucas asks as his hands surround his dick making Eliott's waist rise in pursuit of his touch. He grabs it more firmly by pulling it out of Eliott's lips with another moan as his fingers pull a little harder on his hair.

"Oh my-" Eliott says in a choppy voice as his eyes open in surprise. "Are you kidding me?"

"No." Lucas stops his movements waiting for a clear response from Eliott.

His chest goes up again before he spoke again with what Lucas imagined was the best effort he could do to stand firm. "Yes, yes, do what you want but just do it."

Lucas may feel a burning coming from his head, but he doesn't care, at least he can feel more than just his own blinding desire.

"Shit, I won't last if you keep this up." Eliott complains in a broken voice as he looks down on Lucas.

He can't help but pull the corner of his lips a half smile that manages to do things in Eliott, a tremor, his sweat embracing his warm skin under Lucas' palm. He moves his other hand along the back of his thigh hugging his hip preventing Eliott from pushing closer to him. And with the latter, with a little smile that Lucas had hoped he would understand, he unwittingly takes it.

Lucas had never been a fan of giving blowjobs, but God, if doing so was going to be able to hear that sound coming from Eliott's lips then he might take that as his new favorite activity.

It was perfect. The length, width, and circumference were perfect for him. It was made for him, only for him and no one else. It was a gift that Lucas was willing to accept.

The weight of Eliott's dick on his tongue was real. His lips surrounding every corner of Eliott's body were too real. The drum of his heart beating faster and faster over his sternum was more than real. Eliott's fingers pulling his hair greedily were so real. All that was happening, but it still felt so surreal. It was a dream to be able to embrace Eliott's dick with his hand while his mouth crawls to its tip contracting his lips a little bit causing Eliott to release a higher, more desperate, more longed for moan. A shake of his waist that forced Lucas to hold his hand more firmly.

This was his undoing. The heat in his body, the sweat falling from his forehead, making the palm of his hand on Eliott's waist slippery making it impossible to contain his involuntary thrusts, his hand that like his lips slowly dragged covering his cock every corner.

Lucas had never felt so alive, so full of energy, so in control and so powerful. It was wonderful to be able to slowly roll his tongue from the bottom to the top listening to Eliott's breath being cut off and then going crazy again when the heat from his mouth came back to cover him. He took a rhythm, paused, slowly, tortuously, one that made Eliott say his name several times as if he were praying to the top that it would all end, but at the same time that it would not. Lucas was his venerable and Eliott was giving his best prayers for him. He was wonderful. Even for Lucas, who couldn't help but move about his body looking for some friction to soothe the itching inside him, his weight, his need, his own desire, but that didn't matter to him. Everything stopped caring when his own body came down and was molding Eliott in bed at will.

His head kept falling faster, more abruptly avoiding brushing his teeth between his flesh and letting his tongue make some movement that made Eliott take his arm to his eyes covering his face. Lucas could see it under his eyelashes. It was a spectacle he didn't want to miss, even if it made more of a mess inside his own flesh, it was still worth it to him.

Lucas's saliva slipping down the corner of his commissary and up to his chin was an image he could never have imagined, but Eliott must have seen something in him. It must have been the same vision that Lucas was seeing in front of him because the boy bit his lower lip pushing his head backwards at the same time that Lucas finished pushing his mouth lower, deeper, until the tip of his nose touched Eliott's skin and he felt the tip of his head on the back of his throat.

"Lucas, I-" Eliott groans quietly as Lucas makes every effort to hold on.

And Lucas didn't see it coming. The first string hit the back of his throat causing him to be hard to breathe at first, but he took all the strength to swallow and then the second string came, covering his whole tongue after he pushed back a little. The bitter taste filled his taste buds. His hand, still resting on Eliott's waist, loosened its grip as Eliott's entire body trembled under his, chasing the last replicas of his own orgasm.

Eliott's accelerated breathing, his red chest, his flowing hair in each opposite direction, his hands dropping to the sides of his body and his eyes closed with his head raised upwards. It's quite a sight for Lucas, and he did that. He did that.

A feeling of pride first filled Lucas, but it was gradually replaced by admiration. He is beautiful. He is perfect.

His hands pass by Eliott's sides making the boy open his eyes, which are a little clearer, but still lost, and he pulls a half-witted smile on his lips.

"That was it…" Eliott says in a hoarse voice, shaking his head as he stands up, sitting down and circling Lucas's cheeks with his hands reaching out for an open kiss.

Lucas allows it. He opens his mouth, letting his tongue and Eliott's tongue meet in a kiss full of such ferocity. The taste of his own run reaches Eliott's and their tongues colliding provoke in Lucas a groan that pushes him to reality. A reality where his own body is pushing itself over Eliott's with so much need.

He takes his hands to each side of Eliott's neck while he opens his mouth more trying to calm his demand and he leaves his two knees to each side of Eliott's body.

Sweaty skin. Hands hugging his face. Tongue dancing against yours. The smell of sex was all Lucas could smell and the sensation of his own erection, his own erection that is throbbing with so much pain over his stomach.

It is too much.

He _needs_ Eliott to touch him before he feels he's going to die.

"Touch me." Lucas begs Eliott breathlessly on his lips. "Touch me, please.”

Lucas doesn't mind begging, damn it, he doesn't care. He doesn't feel an ounce of shame when Eliott wastes no time wrapping his hand around his dick and pushing it upwards, giving his body relief. A wave of pleasure fills Lucas' body sending small electric shocks through his groin to his chest feeling how the blood is bombarded with more strength against his veins, his chest swells, and from his lips escapes a smile of happiness that is interrupted when Eliott's lips cover his.

Eliott's hand continues to set a fast pace that Lucas appreciates because it would not be possible to endure another second, while his hands sink into his hair pulling him without giving me a chance to part with the kiss. A kiss that is so messy that it could not be counted as a kiss. Lucas's moans hanging from his lips and falling on Eliott's, his breath falling on his face, as Lucas struggles with all his strength to keep his eyes open to meet Eliott's gaze, but he cannot.

His body, without thinking, moves under him feeling how his bottom slips easily through the length of Eliott's dick making his own mind rise before a thought.

With that friction, his erection moving heavily over Eliott's firm hand, his ass touching Eliott's dick and with that last thought, Lucas opened his mouth releasing a drowned moan and closed his eyes with strength holding on to Eliott's shoulders even with his hands hidden between his hair. A last push that let him fall from the highest mountain. A long fall that left him breathless and completely numb his body.

He drops his forehead on Eliott's shoulder while his body slowly let’s go against his. His breasts are joined and rise and fall quickly, trying to work properly. Lucas closes his eyes letting his nose rub against the rough skin of Eliott's jaw. His heartbeat and the sound of rain falling on the window is all he can hear through his ears. Eliott's long fingers slowly caressing his bare back is all he is able to feel. They both remain lying down until the heat begins to evaporate, the sweat sticks to their skin and the rest of Lucas' pleasure that still remains in his abdomens sticks producing an uncomfortable sensation under him.

Lucas makes the necessary effort to lean on his hands by raising his body enough to leave a space between his.

Eliott lowers his eyes to see the little mess they both have made before raising their sights to meet Lucas's blue eyes. He runs his hand through his hair making some locks that cover his eyes disappear.

"You know? A warning before you come would be fine." Lucas manages to tell him with the little air he's getting back.

Eliott winces with his face, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I'm going to get something for you to clean up." Eliott suggests at the same time that Lucas turns over the bed nodding slowly. "I'll back, don't go away."

Lucas rolls his eyes, letting out a snort that was meant to be a laugh. "Where else will I go?”

Lucas asks Eliott, who can't hear him when he quickly crosses the doorway after putting on his boxers, leaving him on the bed with the crumpled comforter under him.

He looks around finally deciding to get up and start looking for his clothes. And just as he is finishing putting on his own underwear, Eliott returns with a wet towel offering the one he takes to clean himself.

The silence feels like an ocean before them. Eliott at the other end of the room sitting on the edge of the bed watching him with his face bent over, his hair disheveled, his skin that is his normal color, his lips half-opened red, bruised, eyes shining contemplating everything he does. Lucas feels so naked, not in a way he had felt before, but as if Eliott knew something he didn't.

"Lucas." Eliott calls him forcing him to look up. Eliott raises his hand offering to him to what Lucas gives him the towel making him laugh in denial after earning a grimace from Eliott. "Not that."

Lucas feels the smile on his lips getting higher and higher until it is all there is to his face. He lazily approaches Eliott extending his arm until his two hands meet and he pushes him until he is standing between his legs.

Strange. Strange how they had been in that same position recently but now more relaxed and even happier. Without rushing, only Lucas passes his hands over Eliott's face observing the way he studies his look and his hands pass from his thighs to his back. Lucas feels the chill coming up through his body leaving his skin on tiptoe.

"I lied to you before." Eliott confesses to him. Lucas stops his fingers from passing over his jaw. He must have seen the panic in his eyes because he kept talking. "Yes, there is something I want for my birthday."

If Lucas's soul ever left his body, in a matter of seconds it returned, but not before earning a deep sigh and a push on Eliott's shoulder with his hand causing a laugh on his part.

"You scared me, you idiot." Lucas calls him angry, but Eliott's laughter only continues before it is reduced to a smile.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." Eliott apologizes in a voice so soft that Lucas couldn't help but have a little smile escape the corner of his lips.

How does he do it? How can he be so beautiful?

"Tell me what do you want?" Lucas finally asks him, returning to his original conversation. "What _more_ do you want?" He marks the word by raising his hands up and lowering them in exaggerated weariness.

Eliott bites his lower lip hard trying to control his laughter, and speaks again when Lucas places his hands on his warm shoulders which all have a trace of his previous activity.

"I want you to stay with me." Eliott asks him. Lucas can see that somehow it is being difficult for him to say those words. His eyes look uncertain and his hands have stopped caressing him, hanging over his shoulder blades, ready to receive an answer. "Please stay with me tonight."

Lucas slowly nods his face closer to Eliott's as he can feel under his hands how his shoulders relax and his eyes close ready to receive a kiss from Lucas. And he gives it to him, he kisses him slowly trying to erase the worry and anxiety from his body, trying to calm his thoughts and let him know that he will stay by his side tonight and every single night.

Eliott lies down on his shoulder and stays on his side to watch Lucas and he does the same. In the dark, under the sheets, with their bodies inches apart, their hands in the middle of them two, Eliott's fingers making strokes on their backs. Lucas closes his eyes ready for sleep to take care of the rest.

"That would be nice." Eliott says in a low voice making Lucas open his eyes again only managing to see in the distance Eliott's eyes lost in some kind of the night.

"What?" Lucas asks, trying to stay awake.

"That it will all end here." Eliott's thumb slowly caresses his back in movements that make it impossible for Lucas to keep his eyes open, but he bumps his head hard to hear Eliott's words that sound so full of thought. "You know how in a movie when the last song plays and they focus on the characters and you know it's the end. That that's how far the story has gone, that that was it."

"That sounds a little sad." He frowned weakly, crawling a little towards Eliott.

Eliott's arms surround his back pushing him until his breasts are together and his legs intertwine in an embrace that provokes in Lucas a sigh of pleasure. For someone who didn't go out to sleep with anyone, Eliott's body fit perfectly with yours and was so comfortable. Lucas' thoughts are interrupted again by the words of the older boy.

"Why? "

Lucas closes his eyes leaving his cheek to rest on Eliott's chest while his hands embrace his sides. "Because you will never see them again."

"But it's okay, they did what they had to do and they told their story. He keeps silent looking for the words before continuing. "It is like dying.

Lucas feels a little prick in his chest when he hears those words that only make him hide his face between Eliott's neck. "I don't want that." He groans quietly.

"Don't you want to stay here forever?" Eliott asks him curiously and Lucas thinks about it a little before giving him his answer.

"Nothing is forever." He is silent for a while before he opens his eyes a little and feels Eliott's chin against his forehead. "This moment is not forever but tomorrow we will wake up and we will still be here but it will not be the same."

"Tomorrow you will be here?"

Lucas closes his eyes again and returns to his original position. "Yes, I'll still be here."

Lucas thought the conversation was over. That he could already sleep even though he could still feel Eliott's agitated breathing and the fingers of his hand slowly caressing his back drawing small circles that made him hum in response.

He could already see sleep falling on his body when Eliott's soft voice took him away from his rest. "Lucas?" He calls it dubious.

"Mh."

"I don't know how it's going to end." Eliott confesses to him in the dark. He frowns a little bit, not being sure of whatever it is he is talking about, but luckily Eliott knows how to interpret that silence well because he keeps on talking. "My story. I don't know what ending to give my characters."

"Don't give them an ending. Let them live." And in the darkness Lucas dares to leave a short kiss on the bottom of his jaw before sighing as he feels Eliott's arms holding him tighter. "They still have something to tell."

And that's the last thing he says in a whisper. Eliott's body relaxes under his own body and his breathing becomes slower as the seconds continue to pass by and all this tranquility allows Lucas to fall on the long arms of sleep and to immerse himself in a long rest that he had never been fortunate enough to enjoy before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is this week's chapter and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did in writing it. The next chapter is probably one of my favorites, so I can't expect you to read it. As always, thanks for every kudo and for your comments, I always like to read your opinions. I send you a big hug and hope you have a nice day!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a bit of a long chapter and I'm sorry, I really didn't realize the size until I sat down to edit it - which I'll be honest with you, I hate editing. I like writing but not editing, I just wish there were no spelling mistakes and throwing it straight on the Internet but unfortunately it isn't. So I'm sorry it's a liiiittle long.
> 
> And I also wanted to tell you that this has been the chapter I've enjoyed writing the most. From the beginning I had done my math - which I am not very good at, by the way - of the days that Lucas would be in Paris just to get an idea of the weather and almost on those days it is Eliott's birthday, not exactly but close, so I really liked the idea of doing that chapter that will focus more on Eliott, his friends, his relationship with Lucas and especially give both of them a couple moment with smut and simply love. That's all I wanted to say because this chapter made me very emotional.
> 
> As always any song mentioned in this chapter will be on the final note.

Of all the scenarios that Lucas could have created in his mind, waking up in Eliott's bed with the sound of the alarm on the other side of the room was by far the last thing his brain could come up with, and yet that was what was happening at the time.

Lucas grunts loudly as he pushes Eliott's arm away from his. "God, do you want to wake up the whole building? Turn that off."

The heat from Eliott's body disappears from his, causing Lucas to gasp, which was meant to be a complaint, but stays halfway there. His eyes are too heavy and it is taking him much more effort than normal to move from his position. Silence returned to the room and soon his back was wrapped around Eliott's chest again and his hands wrapped around his waist sticking skin to skin causing him to lean his face to one side giving him all the access so Eliott could to leave open kisses all the way down his neck to his back.

"Better?" Eliott's voice sounds hoarse and the birth of his beard against his naked complexion causes Lucas to release a small moan that sounds as desperate as his body is beginning to feel.

He hums a little in response by holding one of his hands back until he finds Eliott's hair and brings it closer to him. "Better."

Eliott laughs a little, leaving a last kiss on the bottom of his neck before he leaves to look for his face. "I have to go to work."

"Nooo." Lucas turns his body upside down and brings his hand to his jaw, caressing that part of his face that used to feel soft but was now rough. Eliott has his face tilted to the side as he brushes Lucas' hair with his hand and studies his face so carefully.

"Yes, I have to be at work in an hour."

Eliott doesn't look so happy to say these words and neither does Lucas, who pours his lower lip down in an attempt to pout.

"I don't want you to leave."

And it was true. Lucas did not remember ever having slept so well. Not only was it the good orgasm he'd had last night, but there was something else there. The heat, the closeness, the vague kisses that Eliott had left in his body every time he got up, made Lucas melt in his touch, the feeling of protection and care that wrapped his body like a shell. Lucas felt comfortable at Eliott's side in a way he had never felt with anyone before.

He stands up a little bit leaving a little kiss on his jaw that makes Eliott close his eyes enjoying the sensation, but he opens his eyes again nodding slowly.

"I have to go; otherwise how would I pay for your coffee?"

Lucas rolls his eyes and Eliott laughs again, biting his lower lip. "You're a drama queen, I don't drink that much coffee either."

"Oh no?" Eliott raises his eyebrow caressing the lower lip of Lucas without being able to stop following his trail. "I could make you compete against David Lynch."

"Why David Lynch?" Lucas asks him, showing off his face a perfect combination of fun and curiosity. "The one who wants to be a director here is you, not me."

"David Lynch can drink up to six cups of coffee a day, isn't that what you drink?"

"Shut up." Lucas laughs, beating Eliott's chest with his hand. "It's not as bad as my hotel bill, I can assure you."

Eliott's eyes suddenly go up to meet his own. His lips are half open and his eyes are staring at him so seriously that Lucas feels an emptiness in his stomach and is about to ask what is wrong, but Eliott wets his lips quickly and speaks before he has a chance to do so.

"Lucas, I have something to tell you." The knot in Lucas's stomach is getting stronger around his insides and he doesn't think he can say anything so he just nods slowly without taking his eyes off his own while letting his hand rest around Eliott's bicep. But part of him remembers the night before when Eliott had told him something like that and tries to remember that all his anxiety is simply a product of his imagination.

"You have to promise me you won't get mad." Eliott asks him, but he shakes his head a little before continuing. "Forget it, you have every right to be angry with me, but please." He sighs, lowering his gaze. "Please forgive me."

And everything went to hell. His little calm disappeared completely giving way to other emotions that turned him upside down. The fear becomes more and more real and Lucas opens and closes his mouth several times before he finds the strength to get up off his back and sit up in bed keeping his distance from Eliott. Is this about last night? Is this about him? Is this all? Is he going to tell me that he doesn't want anything else? Is he going to tell me that this was all a game? Was it a game? But if it looked that real, he couldn't do this to me, not now.

Lucas feels the itch in his eyes and his breathing feels heavier. He doesn't realize that he is breathing so hard and that he is having a hard time keeping his gaze fixed at any point until Eliott's hand covers his hand forcing him to look up and find two gray eyes - which look greener in the morning light - watching him closely and worrying. Eliott's hands cover his face and slowly caress his skin while he is talking, but Lucas cannot register any words.

Lucas swallows hard trying to get rid of the knot in his throat. "What is it?"

"It's about your grandfather." The second he hears those words; he can feel his frown grow so strong that for an instant he fears his face might break in two completely.

"What about my grandfather?" Soon all the fear becomes a strong heat that is burning his lungs and makes his hands go all the way to Eliott's wrists looking for some kind of support.

Lucas watches as Eliott slowly swallows and looks for some kind of strength to keep talking. He is two steps away from asking the question again and perhaps shaking Eliott's body a little to get his attention.

"I lied to you about the letter. He is not in Paris." Eliott slowly denies and soon Lucas's hands release his grip and he moves away from him, but Eliott holds him still without giving him a chance to go very far. "The letter was not from Paris; it was from Moselle."

Lucas raises his hands again, pushing Eliott's hands away from his face, and he moves away from the boy completely. The itch in his chest begins to go up by all his superior part until his throat where his jaw is tightly pressed and his face falls on his hands that cover his eyes while he tries as he can to think clearly.

And if he had been waiting for some kind of answer or explanation, it never came. All the silence becomes so heavy around him, deafening and even annoying. The frustration only makes Lucas's anger grow stronger and his desire to scream becomes as unbearable as Eliott's lack of reaction.

Shit, that's it?

Lucas lifts his face before rinsing his eyes with his hands. "And when were you going to tell me? Today? Tomorrow? A week from today?"

His words sounded much louder than he would have wished, but it is not enough, not when he was feeling a complete unpleasant mixture of deception, surprise, confusion, anger and sadness, which are only making his head spin and his eyes blur.

Eliott doesn't respond quickly enough and Lucas gets out of bed pushing the sheets away from his body and he starts looking for his clothes.

Shit, how was he so stupid? He's looking for his grandfather all this time and he was wasting days here in Paris when he could have done it so long ago. Why?

Eliott's hands grab his shoulders forcing Lucas to stop, but he doesn't want to so he pushes his grip of Eliott's away by taking a step back. "Lucas."

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" The tears are winning the battle and Lucas doesn't know if they are from frustration or sadness, and he doesn't analyze it as much as he feels the heavier drops in the lower part of his eyes. "Was this some kind of joke?"

"No, I didn't want to lie to you, I..."

“You what?” Lucas interrupts him by throwing the question in a tone so cold and biting that even he gets scared and bites his lower lip so hard.

"I just wanted more time! Okay?" Eliott responds quickly by raising his hands up and dropping them just as quickly. Lucas can swear that he hears his heartbeat in his ears, but he is still able to hear Eliott's words that sound as sincere and repentant as his hurt expression. "I wanted more time with you. I know it sounds so selfish and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He takes a step closer that this time Lucas remains in his place as he assimilates all those words. "I just wanted to have more time with you. I want to be with you."

A small tear falls on Lucas's cheek that he wipes off with his hand as he looks down trying to calm his mind. All the confusion eased a bit, enough for him to relax his hands and his shoulders to fall a bit but the feeling that accompanied the idea that he had lied to him is still there beating so strongly.

"When were you going to tell me?" Lucas manages to ask quietly but loudly enough for Eliott to hear.

"Soon."

Eliott's hands hollowed out his cheeks and raised his eyes to his own. His eyebrows are together and his eyes move all over his face with such care. Lucas feels like hugging him and crying, but something keeps him away. Knowing that he could have ended all this a long time ago. To have known his grandfather so long ago.

"I promise you, baby, I swear I was going to tell you and I'm so selfish but I couldn't let you go without trying." His thumbs wipe away any tears that may have fallen and Lucas' hands hug his wrist tightly without being able to avoid leaning on Eliott's touch. "I didn't want to lie to you."

Lucas sighs and even though he feels that knot of feeling in his chest - so present and so latent - Eliott's words make everything feel a little lighter. And all the waves of anger turned into a calm tide inside him. Lucas opens his eyes to find Eliott's gray irises that look like two heavens about to enter the heaviest of storms.

"Don't do it again, please." Lucas asks Eliott at the same time that the older boy closes the distance between them by gluing their foreheads together and hugging his neck, bringing him closer in a strong embrace. Lucas buries his head inside Eliott's neck breathing in his scent and relaxing his body completely.

He can't hurt me.

He would never hurt me on purpose.

“Sorry.” Eliott apologizes again and Lucas rests his cheek on his bare chest and finishes holding on to those rays of light and clarity so that he can take a break from all that whirlwind that made his head.

He turns away from his face to meet Eliott's that looks just as worried and scared of whatever Lucas's decision is.

He finally decides to ignore the situation a little and go to the safe side, trying to calm Eliott's tension and anguish.

"Are you going to accompany me to Moselle?"

"Of course I do." Eliott nods quickly as his hands hug the sides of his neck making it impossible for Lucas not to lose the feeling of his hands covering every corner of his body. "Forgive me, I didn't mean it. I was going to tell you, I swear."

"I know." And maybe Lucas could swear that he was saying all that just to get Eliott off the hook, but the truth is that he would be lying in part, he was also doing it for himself. There was no way Eliott could hurt him. Not him. "I trust you, Eliott."

And with these last words Lucas manages to stand up on his tiptoes and leave a short kiss on Eliott's lips which he returns with enthusiasm by placing one of his hands on the back of Lucas's neck and attracting him to deepen the kiss. Lucas enjoys every second of the closeness of Eliott's body over his, which is all he needs so that all the hives of feelings that were buzzing inside him were calmed down one by one and replaced by the sensation of a breeze early in the day.

"I have to go take a bath." Eliott tells him after breaking the kiss, but still without taking his hands away from his bare skin. "You can go eat something if you want."

Lucas nods slowly, running his hand across Eliott's chest, taking another close look at his small tattoo, which has one - in fact, two, with one of them hidden from view - words outlined in black ink.

"Can we go tomorrow?" Lucas asks him as he looks up to find Eliott's confused eyes. "I don't want to delay any longer."

Eliott's eyebrows rise for a moment and then fall again, nodding energetically with his head. "It's okay, we'll go." And he keeps silent for a few seconds before apologizing with all the regret drawn on his face. "Forgive me."

Lucas releases his lower lip from his teeth and lifts his hands across Eliott's chest to embrace his shoulders, slowly denying. "Stop apologizing." He asks Eliott.

"No, you could have visited him long ago." Eliott defends his point, but Lucas doesn't listen to him, he simply tries to reach Eliott's face with his trying to break any distance and erase any concern or guilt he is being preyed upon.

"Eliott, he's still going to be there."

He tries to make his words sound as calm and honest as he is feeling. Yes, he was still a little shaken that Eliott had kept information that was important to him but he was also partly grateful. Grateful that he was able to follow in the footsteps of his grandfather. Grateful that he was close to his great-grandfather. And, above all, grateful that he was able to meet the boy who was holding him in his arms at that moment and who was seeing him in a way that Lucas had never felt so. A way that didn't make him feel uncomfortable or want to hide, no, it was a way that he felt like going around and smiling silly.

"I have you now and that's great." Lucas' lips brush against Eliott's as he finishes clutching the last extremities of his confession and in the end he feels so good, he feels free that he can't help but smile causing also a little smile to spread and he leaves a short kiss on his lips before moving away a little.

"We will leave tomorrow." Eliott promises with a sideways smile that Lucas has to resist his need to touch with his own lips.

"Won't you have problems at work?"

He slowly denies and, as if he had read Lucas's thoughts, he leaves a short kiss on the corner of his lips. "If I tell Jaden in time he will agree."

"Fine. I'll go to the hotel and pack."

"Stay here."

Eliott's suggestion makes Lucas have to shake his head a little to be sure he has heard his words correctly. He takes a step back and places his hands on Eliott's shoulders while a small smile spreads across his face.

"Isn't it too early for that?" He bows his face in an evident sarcasm that provokes a laugh from Eliott. That familiar feeling of happiness and pride fills every corner of Lucas's body.

"No."

"Are you going to pay my hotel bill?"

He lifts his chin trying to reach Eliott's face, but the boy lowers his height a little around his waist clearing Lucas's feet from the floor leaving their faces at the same height.

"That's so many shifts." Eliott feigns a little pout and Lucas laughs as he notices his absurd attempt.

"You'll find a way to give it back to me."

The foreheads of both remain united while their noses gently dance with each other without being able to stop looking into each other's eyes with such desire and adoration. It felt like a complete solar system, attracted and united by this invisible vibration that made them move in the same synchrony. It was so intoxicating to be so connected to it, but at the same time it was addictive, the way they could not stop being intertwined.

Is that how it's supposed to feel?

"That's a lot of coffee." Eliott's tone of voice drops a little and his face moves to the side leaving a short kiss at the corner of his lips.

Lucas closes his eyes, letting out a small sigh. "Too many."

"It would take me a long time." Eliott does the same again, but placing the kiss on the other corner of his lips and Lucas manages to say a small answer that is lost halfway through when the lips of both meet in an open, deep kiss, full of so much desire on both sides. That Lucas has to embrace Eliott's shoulders so tightly so that his body does not fall at his feet. And for what Lucas believed was the fifth time since he had met Eliott, he asks himself: What have you done to me?

* * *

After Eliott enters the shower to bathe and Lucas finishes dressing. He left the room to look for the breakfast that Eliott had assured him he could have, and it wasn't until he crossed the long hallway and entered what he thought was the kitchen that he noticed the person on the other side leaning on top of the table attacking a bowl full of milk and cereal. And it was Emma, or well, it was what Lucas imagined normal Emma without any trace of alcohol in her system.

"Hello." Lucas greets her and she raises her face quickly with her eyes open, which then relaxes, sending a small smile.

"I thought no one else was here." Lucas apologizes and Emma shakes her head in denial before she finishes swallowing the rest of the cereal so she can talk like a normal person.

"Mh." The girl frowned, but the smile on her lips erased any trace of seriousness as she cast one of those looks that say it all. "And I didn't think your relationship with Eliott was going to get to this stage so quickly."

Lucas rolls his eyes and can't help but smile. "I only stayed one night."

He moves around the kitchen opening some top furniture drawers until he finds what he was looking for. He pulls out two coffee cups which he leaves on top of the kitchen island. Emma shakes her head to the side indicating the location of the coffee maker ready with coffee waiting to be served.

"You know?" She asks him as she takes another spoon of milk to her mouth and finishes chewing slowly waiting for some answer from Lucas that he never gives her. "That's how all start."

Lucas laughs again, shaking his head, and finishes serving coffee in the two cups, leaving the container in place before turning his body and resting his hands on the island watching Emma with a smile, but in the end he decides to ignore the girl's comment and go a different way.

"Do you live here too?"

Emma lets out a low sigh, slowly nodding her head. "No, I'm the upstairs neighbor, but you can consider me Eliott's roommate too."

"Roommate who don't pay rent or pay for food and water or help with cleaning." Idriss points with a scowl as he enters the kitchen and heads straight for the high drawers, taking a box of cereal along with a deep bowl.

The boy is wearing blue pajama pants with some gray checks along with a white shirt that covers his entire chest down to his biceps. His face doesn't look happy at all as well as his eyes which are much smaller as if it was taking all the effort of the world to keep them open.

"Good morning to you too, sweetheart." Emma gives Idriss a big smile that he simply responds in a small grunt as he closes the refrigerator door.

"What are you doing here?" The boy asks Emma with his eyes closed as if he were carefully inspecting her presence.

Lucas takes advantage of the moment to open one of the cabinets from which Idriss opens and he takes a small spoon.

"I wanted to say hello to the birthday boy since he ran off yesterday before I had a chance to make my presentation."

Idriss leaves his plate on the island and, without taking his eyes off Emma's, he takes out a glass container from one of the drawers that Lucas did not open, and then places it on the island in front of Lucas. It was sugar and from what he could see, it wasn't much, but it could work. Idriss, even though he doesn't look happy at all, throws him a little side smile that Lucas gives back to him in the same way even though he can't see it all.

"Yes, he had important things to do."

He raises his left eyebrow pointing at Lucas, who is making every effort to ignore that conversation but is being impossible to do when Emma opens her mouth so wide that he can probably see her vocal cords from where he is standing.

"That relationship is moving faster and faster."

He is not sure how much sugar he has put in that little cup of coffee, but he hopes it is the right amount for Eliott. He breathes a sigh without stopping stirring the liquid with the spoon.

"It's not that."

Emma's flirtatious smile doesn't fade even when Idriss lets out another annoying grunt.

"And just for that, you're eating my cereal." He complains, returning to his original expression with a scowl and a jaw that looks straighter than before.

Emma places her hand on Idriss' high shoulder in a vague attempt to comfort him. "No, I'm also making time to go get my girlfriend."

"Why are you awake so early?" Emma asks Idriss with a little frown.

"I was hungry. I didn't eat anything before I left last night.." He's shrugging up his shoulders, taking his cereal from the island again.

"Are you coming later?" Idriss asks after eating his first tablespoon of cereal and Emma answers with an enthusiastic nod after leaving the empty bowl on the dishwasher.

"You just have to say party and I'll be here."

Her hand forms a small gun that points at him while making a sound with her teeth that causes Idriss to roll his eyes and shuffle away from her.

"I'm not surprised." Both manage to hear his last words before they are left alone again.

"What is it?" He brings his coffee cup to his lips where he blows on it a little before taking the first drink.

Emma rests her arms on the island without stopping seeing him and her eyebrows rise when she hears Lucas' question, but her wide smile remains on her face. How is it possible that someone who is awake at seven in the morning feels so happy? Is it the cereal? He doubts it. Idriss looks just as upset and unhappy about getting up early on a Saturday and the cereal doesn't seem to have the same effect.

"A surprise party we're throwing for Eliott." Lucas nods slowly, letting the warm liquid run down his throat into his stomach. "You should come, you could meet Zoé, she would love to meet who is dating Eliott."

"Emma." Lucas's tone sounds much more serious as a warning, but she simply shrugs.

“What?” She looks at him just as seriously, but that look in her eyes doesn't stay. Even deep down, her eyes manage to send out a look full of brightness and a little bit of mischief. "I wouldn't be telling you these things if I didn't believe in what I see."

Lucas cannot contain the mocking breath that comes from his lips. "And what do you see?"

The girl leans her face to one side, letting her hair cover only a small part of her face. "The way he looks at you and you look at him."

Lucas bites his lower lip lowering his gaze and he feels a corner of his lips rise in a smile. "You need to go to the ophthalmologist." He finally declares.

"It's okay." She raises her hands as if she were giving up and takes a step back from the kitchen cabinet. "You're in denial, but when you look at it then you'll agree with me."

Lucas opens his mouth to say something else, but a few steps from the door and Emma's voice stop him completely.

"Hey, you come here!" Emma screams as her body pounces on him from Eliott, who leaves his arms outstretched in surprise, but quickly circles his waist. "Happy happy birthday to you."

"It's not my birthday anymore." Eliott's eyes meet his own and he rolls his eyes when he hears Emma's words, but that doesn't stop the smile on his lips in front of his happiness.

"Happy birthday to you, to you only." She begins to sing as she swings both bodies back and forth without letting go of the hug.

Eliott lets out a gasp that sounds as if they are removing any ounces of air that his body has stored so far.

"You're breaking my ribs." Eliott says with a little effort, but Emma doesn't part with it; on the contrary, it's as if she takes that as a sign that she can make that hug more agonizing for her friend.

"It's once a year." She defends her position.

Eliott complains again in a low voice. "Thank God."

"You're not going to die from this."

"It would be too much to ask for."

Eliott winked at Lucas and had the boy bring his coffee cup back to his lips for another drink.

" _Enough_." She pronounces with a clear French accent. Emma gives him a few pats on the back before stepping back and releasing Eliott from his suffering. "I am happy for you, my child, who is getting older every day."

Eliott laughs raising his eyebrow in a clear message that said, "excuse me, this is the young lady."

The girl crosses her arms over her chest while looking Eliott in the eyes. "That's right, treat me better."

Eliott lets out a breath that sounds like a half-pink and walks over to where Lucas is still with his own cup in his hands warming his skin.

"What are you doing here?" He ask his friend.

"Eating my daily breakfast."

She answers him with a high smile that Lucas began to understand, it was the complete essence of Emma. A person who could get up early and steal other people's food, privacy and space, but still keep that satisfied expression on her face, keeping the combination of naughty and mischievous as if she were telling you absolutely everything and at the same time, what was necessary for you to understand her words without too much fuss.

"Idriss' you mean." Eliott jokingly replied by making a loud sound from outside the kitchen that sounded like: "That's right", from Idriss.

Lucas can't contain his laughter and neither can Eliott, but Emma on the other hand simply shrugs off Idriss' comment.

"What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine and what's ours is yours." She says quickly making whatever point she wants to make right there.

"I am flattered."

Eliott looks at the second cup of coffee that rests on the table and smiling he moves his lips in appreciation to Lucas in a silent "Thank you". Lucas responds by pushing his side a little.

"Just for today, and tomorrow each to each own." Emma seems to have missed those private moments between the two of them, or if she saw them, she ignored it completely and continued talking as she walked to the other side of the kitchen taking her cell phone that all that time had been lying face up on the furniture.

"I wish!" Idriss shouts another comment that makes Lucas and Eliott laugh again.

"I have to go. Take care, both of you." Emma says goodbye at the kitchen door, but before she leaves she points to the younger boy with all her might. "Lucas, think about it."

And with that last one she disappears out of the kitchen leaving both of them alone, the silence in the apartment is made after Emma says something that Idriss answers with more protest and some monosyllables that Lucas can't understand. Lucas wasn't sure if Eliott knew about his surprise, but he had heard something about it, it seemed that it hadn't taken much of a toll after all.

"What was that?" Eliott asks him with his left eyebrow raised with a small sideways smile and that curious look that made Lucas shrug his shoulders and look away at his coffee.

"No idea." He takes a sip of his drink while watching out of the corner of his eye as Eliott slowly denies it before going straight to the other side of the kitchen ready to prepare any kind of food.

"Are you going to make me some of your famous pancakes?" Lucas says in a sarcastic tone that Eliott responds with a laugh.

"No." He lowers his lower lip into a half pout while taking some slices of sandwich bread and putting it in the toaster. "This time it will have to be a quick breakfast."

Lucas hums a slow nod. "You are fast for many things." Eliott raises his face, seeing him with his mouth open as well as his eyes. "I still don't know whether to take it as a good thing or a bad thing."

He jokes, but Eliott instead of laughing simply rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "You'll never get over it, will you?"

"Never." Lucas' smile grows each time he notices the exaggerated expression of unhappiness that Eliott had on his face at that moment.

Lucas comes a little closer to Eliott leaving his empty coffee cup next to Emma's bowl in the dishwasher and takes advantage of Eliott's distraction to wrap his arms around her waist and rest his cheek on the boy's shoulder blade. Lucas feels Eliott's hand covering his for a few moments before continuing to prepare that quick and improvised breakfast for the two of them.

He can't help but close his eyes and enjoy that scene a little. There was something so domestic and peaceful about the two of them standing there. Eliott taking care of him eating and Lucas thanking him silently for all he had done for him. There was something so familiar, but at the same time so new, as if this was what it always had to be and Lucas didn't mind that it was like that. He could get used to waking up in the morning next to Eliott, letting him cover his skin with kisses, letting Lucas make him coffee - even with that mountain of sugar that Eliott likes - and also letting the older boy make him a toast with whatever he decided.

For the first time Lucas did not ask why this felt so? For the first time he took a deep breath and filled his lungs with all that aroma floating around him and enjoyed it.

* * *

"I have to go." Eliott announces his departure after both of them attack the long chair in the living room and Lucas is trapped between Idriss and Eliott's body while the three of them are having breakfast in front of the TV.

Idriss' eyes are still glued to whatever the protagonist of the police series is saying, giving no sign of having heard Eliott.

Lucas lets out a short sigh by biting his lip before answering. "Okay."

Eliott rubs his hands on his knees and then propels himself on his feet, taking his cell phone and a wallet from the coffee table. "See you in the afternoon." He gives him a little smile that gets Lucas to relax his body.

"Yes.

Lucas watches as Eliott walks around to the door and then disappears down the hall leaving him and Idriss alone, and well, the woman who is crying at the top of her lungs on TV. He gets up from his seat with the intention of taking his dishes to the kitchen, but something catches his eye on his right side. Eliott's jacket. The same jacket he has been wearing since Lucas met him.

"He left his jacket." Lucas says to Idriss, but again he makes no sign of listening. "I'll be right back."

He walks out of the room into the hallway, crossing to the side and reaching the door, but suddenly stops when he sees Eliott leaning against one of the walls by the door with his hands hidden in his pockets. Lucas opens his mouth to ask him what he is doing standing there, but his words are caught by a thread when he is interrupted by Eliott's strong lips embracing his and his arms surrounding his waist pushing his body completely against his.

Lucas wastes no time in kissing him back and opening his lips to allow Eliott's tongue to join in a slow dance until Eliott withdraws, trapping his lower lip between his teeth in a small bite that causes Lucas to gasp low and have to separate to get some air.

The breasts of both were rising and falling very quickly and in that empty, half-dark corridor the only sound that could be heard was that of their heavy breathing. The corners of Eliott's lips were rising little by little until they formed a smile that illuminated his face completely. It was like seeing the sky full of dark clouds and suddenly, between those gray curtains, the sun's rays filtered through. That was the only way Lucas could describe that glow that lights up Eliott's expression when he smiled like that.

"Hello." He says in a whisper so low that only Lucas managed to catch on.

Lucas moves his face to the side letting his nose rub against Eliott's just a little bit while in a whisper he also responds with a: "Hello."

"What are you doing here?"

Lucas' eyes drop to Eliott's red, swollen lips that have a small sideways smile that he had already learned to identify as his way of flirting with him.

"Waiting for my jacket and waiting for you." Eliott responds without giving him time to say anything else before plunging into another deep kiss that Lucas takes so much effort to finish.

"What a fool." He whispers on Eliott's lips, who laughs quietly, leaving another short kiss sticking his two foreheads together.

"I don't argue with that."

Lucas laughs again, tip toeing and placing his hands on the back of Eliott's neck, making any distance between the two disappear in another kiss that was very different from any they had shared that morning. Slower, more gentle, delicate and sweet. As if they were both savoring the seconds, as if they had all the time in the world, as if this was their only way to stay alive, and Lucas smiles making it impossible for them to continue.

Eliott deposits another kiss on Lucas' lower lip and he can do absolutely nothing to stop it. His smile is frozen on his lips as well as his breath when Eliott's hands pass by his side and hide under his shirt allowing his fingers to travel along the bare skin of his abdomen.

"I'm assessing how important the work is." He tells him as seriously as possible and with his eyebrows joined in what could be interpreted as a plea.

Lucas rolls his eyes. His hands go down to Eliott's shoulders, pushing him a little away from him and thus allowing his mind to think more clearly.

"You have to go." Lucas reminds him, but Eliott just nods slowly, invading his space and leaving another kiss on his jaw. Lucas closes his eyes by loosening his grip on Eliott's, bringing his arms to his shoulders and hugging him more.

"In a minute."

He promises him before going down his neck leaving a path of long, soft kisses that make Lucas's skin feel warm and his body feel the need to push forward and disappear any physical distance between them, but before he sends everything to hell Lucas hits himself mentally and opens his eyes by lowering his feet until they touch the ground thus allowing Eliott to raise his face to meet his.

"Eliott." Lucas' tone of voice sounds like a warning, but his smile betrays how much he is enjoying his attention.

Eliott puts his lips together again in a beaver kiss by muttering "I'm going" before continuing with the kiss.

Lucas' head is spinning around a thousand times, but the only thing that remains fixed is Eliott's body that is almost crushing his against the wall and he could stay there all his life - and he is sure that Eliott feels the same way - but a sound coming from the room forces them to separate for what seemed to be the fifth time since they had started that short session of kisses in the corridor. And Lucas makes sure to put both of his hands on Eliott's chest, keeping a safe distance to prevent them from re-entering that game that was becoming addictive and from which they had no time to find out who was going to win.

"Go now." Lucas wets his lips with his tongue. Very bad idea, seeing the way Eliott follows his movements and slowly swallows with a nod, but unlike all the other times he doesn't kiss him.

"Yes, I'll be here." He tilts his face avoiding a small electric shock on his chest when Eliott's hands are separated from his skin and lets his hand rest on his cheek.

"Yes, I'll be here."

Eliott pretends to be about to approach him, but Lucas laughs quickly in denial, pushing his body away from his own.

"You have to go _now_."

"I know." The grimace Eliott makes shows how unhappy he is at the idea of leaving. Lucas hands him his jacket that was still resting on his arm and Eliott takes it along with his backpack that rests in the same place he left it the night before. "See you later."

"See you later." Lucas answers with a small smile, standing by the open door. Eliott curls the corners of his lips with a tight smile that looks anything but happy.

Why is it so exaggerated? It will only be a few hours; Lucas thinks in silence. But the truth is that deep down he was also having a hard time letting go of Eliott when he already knew what it felt like to have his body against his, his hands touching every corner of his skin and his lips, which were so hungry, but also soft at the same time, in the way he wanted. As if he was screaming how much he needs him, but at the same time he was promising that he would take care of him with every fiber of his soul.

"Write to me when you arrive or I will have to put an alert on your disappearance." Lucas jokes as Eliott turns around, climbing the first steps of the building and running to Lucas. He wrapped his arms around Lucas's waist, clearing his feet from the floor and leaving a last kiss that feels just as patient and full of promise.

Later, Eliott tells him in a low voice.

To which Lucas can only think, later.

After Eliott managed to get out of the apartment and take more than two steps without returning to Lucas' arms and stamping his mouth on his. After they both stop behaving like two teens in the prime of their sexuality. After about five minutes of halfway sentences and sweet talk, Lucas cleaned up his dishes and went to Eliott's room to finish picking up some of his belongings. Idriss asked him if he was going to attend the party and he assured him that he would. The road to the hotel was a little longer than he expected, but when he finally found himself locked up again between those four white walls where he had spent so many nights alone, he felt no desire to stay there any longer, so he took a long shower and finished packing all his bags. If it were up to Lucas he could have run out of that room and made a full run down the corridor to the reception ready to drop the card and never come back to that place again, but it was very early and there were still at least seven hours to go before Eliott left his job so the only viable option was to hold out a little longer and maybe make some progress on his thesis.

And that's what he did. His suitcase was resting on his bed, his lunch was half eaten on the table and his computer was in his lap as his leg wobbled uncontrollably. The minutes became hours that he didn't feel going on until his vibrating cell phone diverted his attention and when he was about to turn around and ignore it, Eliott's name made a little smile appear on his face and bit his lower lip trying to control his desire to open the message by running. But to hell with it, he unlocked his cell phone screen repeating to himself that he was just answering quickly because he didn't want to torture Eliott.

**Eliott**

**15:43**

hey

let me guess

very accurate 

oh god are you going to make me remember that always? 

always

changing the subject?

no, that's not what i was going to say, but it's a good meme i'll keep for future occasions

you are welcome

what happened?

just asking what you were doing

i'm about to register my departure

fine and then what?

i don't know, maybe i'll go to the apartment of this guy who insisted so much that i stay with him i couldn't say no

interesting

and where is that?

i can hear the gears moving in your head

you don't know the real address

of course i do

yes?

the guy’s roommate told me

did you ask him?

yes

that's funny because i just talked to the roommate and he said no

he forgot

won't you admit that you have no idea where it is?

i know it's near a white building

all of paris is white, literally

are you going to keep pretending or can we go to the part where i give you the address, get in a cab and come straight here?

it's your fault

you couldn't do something as simple as giving me your address

i'm surprise by how stubbornness you are

i was just coming to give you the address and you attack me like that

stop the drama

come on send me the address so i can leave this horrible room

okay, but to make it clear the building is not white, it was white, but now it is half grey

then i could have found the apartment if i was just looking for a gray spot in all that white

i love how smart you are

i know

i'll be there in an hour

There was no feeling so liberating as finally giving up the key to his room and being ready to leave all these behind. Lucas wasn't lying when Eliott asked him if it wasn't too soon - yes, there was a little mockery and sarcasm in that comment, but also a lot of truth. The same part that was always pushing him back before he had a chance to move forward was yelling at him to run away, not do anything stupid and that everything was going to go wrong. But again, there was a much bigger part like a refreshing waterfall in the middle of a desert that was calling him to give himself a chance.

It said to him, "Take it, Lucas, if you don't you could regret it all your life, and regret is much more painful than a broken heart."

The trip by car took much more than an hour and when he finally arrived at Eliott's apartment with his suitcase containing some clothes, his documents among other belongings. The place was much more crowded than before and Arthur, who he hadn't seen since that day when he helped him find information about his family, offered his help, again, and his company as he talked a little bit about his work and how sometimes he used that work as an advantage to get some favors from his friends.

Lucas could not deny that he loved Arthur's very intelligent yet serious but relaxed attitude. He was someone he could spend time talking to, but was soon interrupted by the company of another person who introduced himself as Arthur's best friend, who only rolled his eyes and shook his head before following him into the kitchen in search of a drink.

And soon the presence of another person completely saved Lucas from having to answer some rather bold questions from Basile. Imane that day was wearing something a little more colorful than last time and that his cheeks were a little flushed. She looked so happy and much more comfortable in that environment than at the underground party. And he couldn't blame her. It was a thousand times better to spend time with your friends without being afraid that from one moment to the next everything would end in the worst way.

"Thank you." Lucas thanks her when they are both alone in a corner of the room where the number of people has tripled in the last half hour.

Imane laughs softly, slowly denying. "I know that look in people's eyes when they meet Basile. Don't worry, in time you'll get used to it."

"Is he always like that?" Lucas raises his eyebrow at the same time as he asks the question. Imane lowers her lips in what could be a grimace of defeat.

"Always. Since I have known him."

He nods slowly, lowering his gaze to his feet before letting out the first thing that pops into his mind. "So, how long have you known Eliott?"

The girl leans one of the corners of her lip to the side as if she were watching the years go by in front of her. "About eleven years ago, more or less."

"Wow, that's too long." He feels his eyebrows rise up in a surprised expression that only makes Imane laugh a little more.

"Yes, he and my brother have been very good friends and sooner or later I had to meet him if he spent twenty-four seven in our house."

Lucas can't help but laugh when he hears that comment. "Your brother?"

Imane nods quickly and then turns her body a little, lifting her chin up as she walks around the room with her eyes trying to locate whoever she is looking for. "I don't see him around here, he must be in his room." She turns her gaze towards him. "His name is Idriss."

"Is Idriss your brother?"

His tone of voice came out a little higher and more surprised than he intended and Imane let out a low sigh that sounds agitated.

"Yes, unfortunately."

Lucas gives a little smile. Unfortunately, it seemed to be a word they used a lot, but it wasn't that word that caused that feeling in Lucas. It was the way they all said it, full of empty annoyance, but overflowing with affection that they managed to get a smile out of him no matter how small.

"I do know Idriss."

Imane turns her face to the crowd again for a few seconds. "He must be around here with Danielle."

"Danielle?"

"His girlfriend. You'll meet her soon, he'll make sure you see her." Imane assures him with a sideways smile. "I would tell you it would be in a completely normal way, but it looks like there's going to be karaoke so expect a full performance." She grimaces again, making Lucas laugh for the ninth time since they started talking.

"God, it's getting late." The girl complains, checking the watch that rests on her wrist. "Does that boy never come home or what?"

"I don't think it will take long. He has someone waiting for him." Soon Lucas is being shouldered by Emma's arm that is giving him a huge smile that says clearly: You know what I mean.

And for the first time in a long time Lucas feels like making a complete ball of himself and disappearing from that room for a few hours. Especially when he feels the way Imane is looking at them with her slightly scowling brow and her lips half open in a sentence that is interrupted by the sound of someone saying something in French out loud and from one moment to the next the apartment goes into a dead silence where not a single loud breath is heard.

Everyone remains quiet until the sound of the door opening is the only thing that breaks the silence and then comes a few slow steps that cross the corridor and from one of the corners of the door the tall figure of Eliott stops along with the shouts and words of some people who begin to sing aloud. All the people in the room come closer one by one to Eliott and Lucas makes the best attempt to see more than just the messy brown hair and filter his laughter through all the noise around him.

Lucas can't understand more than two words that aren't happy birthday and he decides to stay in that corner next to the open window waiting for the crowd to separate a little and give him the space to get out of there. Imane stays by his side laughing and rolling her eyes every time someone takes away someone else's word to speak. And Emma decides to join the crowd around Eliott.

And there, in the midst of so many bodies, Lucas manages to find Eliot's eyes - bright and just as clear as they were that morning when he left for work - and his smile that exposed his white teeth and the blush on his cheeks. Lucas nails his feet to the ground, holding back his desire to make his way to the tall boy's arms.

Later, Lucas remembers himself. We have time.

Eliott leans his face to the side moving his lips in a silent: I'm sorry. Lucas responds by slowly nodding his head.

The words, congratulations, speeches, half hugs and laughter continued for a few minutes until someone said something strong that everyone encouraged with quite a bit of emotion. The music was present and as Lucas had hoped, the people who were in the room before were now going their separate ways.

He gets up from the wall where he is leaning and announces to Imane that he will go to the kitchen to get something to drink, to which she thanks him, but refuses his offer to bring her something.

The kitchen is full but not so full, so he takes advantage of that moment of little solitude to take the air and remind himself that he has to control himself not to stick his head out the first window he finds. Although it sounds like a pretty attractive option, he wasn't going to do it, he had been to parties before and even to crowded clubs, but there was also a lot going on behind the scenes. It was a place full of people that Eliott knew and he had already had the pleasure of talking to some of his friends, but it was the idea of allowing himself to be close to him in view of everyone.

Can I hold his hand? Do I have to? He wants to. He wants to be able to hug Eliott and kiss him without caring what others say, but is it okay for Eliott? Is Eliott ready? Is he ready? So many doubts made Lucas's head spin and his desire to put out those thoughts made him take the bottle he knew well and pour the first drink he took in one go.

"I think it's a little fast for drinks like that one." Eliott's voice reached the other side of the kitchen island. He opens his eyes quickly after making a small grimace as he tastes the heat of the tequila coming down his throat and into his stomach.

"Are you okay?" Eliott's face fills with worry and he leans his face to the side keeping his hands leaning on the cold material of the table.

Lucas nods slowly letting a smile settle on his face, hoping that in this way any tense expression will disappear from Eliott's face. "It's just my claustrophobia making a mess inside me."

"Sorry about that." Eliott apologizes, but Lucas bites his lip hard at his guilt-ridden tone.

"No." Lucas rushes to stop Eliott. "It's okay, it's your birthday. It's not every day that you turn thirty."

Eliott rolls his eyes and Lucas can notice how his shoulders drop and his posture relaxes completely. This makes the pressure on his chest go down and he can enjoy a little more his first moment alone after more than ten hours apart.

"Twenty-six." Eliott clarifies.

"It's the same thing." Lucas moves his hand away from it. "Four more and you will have reached the happy three decades."

"It sounds so exciting." Eliott tells him in an obvious sarcasm.

Lucas nods slowly, resting his elbows on the table. "Sure, you can say you're older than any social network."

Eliott takes his right hand to his chest pretending to be unworthy. "Right in the old age."

Lucas lets out a laugh and may feel some curious looks on them, but he ignores them, and continues his conversation with Eliott.

"Generation Z? What is that? You've already become a mere millennial."

Eliott slowly denies with his lowered gaze. "You better tell me I'm a boomer and let's end this suffering."

Lucas laughs low, catching his lower lip with his teeth.

"Twenty-six years is okay. It's a good age."

"Do you believe it?" Eliott asks him as he leans over the table, covering his hands with his own and making Lucas's breath cut out for a few seconds as his stomach makes a quick jump as if he had just gone down a high hill on some roller coaster.

He could get used to that feeling.

"Yes." Lucas looks at him below his eyelashes as he looks up from his clasped hands. "You are in the prime of your youth. Take advantage because twenty-seven is already a different matter."

This time it was Eliott's turn to laugh. His face was a little more flushed than it was a few minutes ago and Lucas could swear his lips were shaking a little. Perhaps from the effort of smiling too much, but Lucas could understand. He would never have imagined that being so happy could lead to a little pain, but he was willing to pay that price.

From the other side of the apartment, the sound of the music was changing completely. And the voice of two people who were definitely not the singers of that song came from outside the kitchen and some people came out of the kitchen, but others stayed in their place drinking and talking.

Eliott's face lights up completely and a smile spreads little by little. Lucas frowned a little when he didn't understand where that emotion was coming from, but luckily the boy knew how to interpret his confusion.

"They don't waste time here. Come." He tells him without letting go of his hand and keeps it close to him as they both leave the kitchen to the living room where some people are grouped together on the couch that was moved to the farthest corner from the center of the room where there is a large speaker along with two microphones connected to the television that projects the lyrics of the songs. The lights in the room had fallen and all around it there was a lighting that was only concentrated in the center as a small stage, very small stage, improvised but that fulfilled its function. Nothing directed their gaze anywhere but the concert that the participants were giving in front of them.

Eliott takes them not far from the door where Lucas feels confident enough to leave comfortably if he needs to. And all the confusion Lucas may have felt before was replaced by surprise and great excitement.

In front of all those two people was Eliott's best friend and companion, Idriss, along with a girl with dark skin and thick lips who had dark hair and long hair that fell down her back. The two were holding a microphone while they sang loudly - and with a little effort - the high notes of a Tina Turner song. Lucas covered his mouth with his hand without being able to clear the whole show that was going on in front of him.

Idriss had the biggest smile painted on his face, but also his eyebrows joined from time to time, on some high note and most importantly, his eyes never stopped looking at the girl next to him. It was so ridiculous, but so beautiful, as if no one else existed but the two of them and with that thought Lucas guessed that she must be Danielle. Just as beautiful, full of life and just as in love as Idriss. Lucas had seen that look in other people so many times that for someone who had so little experience in love, he had become quite good at identifying them.

Someone slightly pushes Lucas' shoulder away, distracting him for a few seconds and finding himself with Emma's proud look.

"Impressive, isn't it?" She asks him without being able to erase his wide smile.

Lucas nods, looking back at Idriss who is now making his girlfriend do some turns. "Quite a lot."

"This is the best part of the night, believe me." Lucas laughs a little and feels Eliott give him a little squeeze on his hand. He finds himself smiling sideways as well without clearing his eyes of what is the improvised stage in his little room. "And the best part is that it took zero shots." Emma speaks again. "This show is free."

Lucas can't help but burst out laughing and Emma responds with a slight nod.

"How many drinks is it going to take for you to go over there and sing me Super Trouper?" Lucas asks Eliott aloud, trying to make himself heard over Danielle's impressive voice. He turns his face to meet the boy's scowl.

"None." He tells him in all seriousness, but Lucas manages to catch the corner of his lip that trembles in a half smile.

"Please?" Lucas begs him.

"Yes, come on Eliott, we can do a duet together." Emma joins them by resting her chin on Lucas' shoulder and throwing Eliott her best pout.

Eliott rolls his eyes in denial. "Didn't you have a girlfriend to spend time with?"

She lets out a sigh by raising her face, but keeping her expression down. "Yes, but she's been lining up for the bath for about a thousand years. You should consider building another bathroom."

By his side Lucas can hear what sounds like a gasp. "I'm sorry that my bathroom is not enough for you." Eliott with so much pretend pain that he makes Lucas laugh a little. "Why don't you take her to your apartment?"

"No, there's Lisa and you know, I can feel her breath on the back of my neck." Emma takes a sip of her own beer.

Eliott passes his thumb over his back, distracting Lucas for a moment and getting him to smile in his direction. His interlocking hands rested on one side, a little hidden from anyone's gaze, and perhaps Lucas can overthink later what it all means, but for now he feels so comfortable. Like a secret. Our secret.

"And why wasn't Lisa invited?" Eliott asks Emma with his eyes half closed.

Emma lets out a sigh, looking back at Eliott with her eyes closed in the same way.

"I invited her, but have you ever seen Lisa with anyone other than the five of us?" Emma defends her point by raising her eyebrow.

"Touché." That's all Eliott needs to say to bring a satisfied smile back to Emma's face.

"Who is Lisa?" Lucas ventures to ask Emma.

"My roommate."

Emma answers him at the same time as Lucas, Eliott says: "The reason why Emma is invading us."

Lucas, like Emma, laughs at this comment. The girl denies taking another drink of her beer and the three of them, like the other twenty people who were settled around the room, continued watching the show. Idriss and his girlfriend were no longer singing any songs, instead there was a girl who was doing a good interpretation of Cyndi Lauper.

Lucas rests his head on Eliott's shoulder, caressing the boy with his thumb and smiling a little when he feels that he leaves a short kiss on his head. Suddenly, all the worry and discomfort slowly faded away until it became so small that Lucas forgot it completely. More people came to talk to Eliott, which made him excuse himself by saying he was going to get something to drink and give him more space to spend time with his friends.

The rest of the night he managed to go unnoticed in the kitchen drinking an occasional beer that was a little more bitter than he liked. Soon Imane's presence made the time pass more easily and he also met another friend of Eliott's. A dark, curly-haired boy who had a rather charming smile that - Lucas could tell - have made Imane smile more easily. And Lucas saw it again there, the way two people in love looked at each other. The rubbing, the laughing, the secret looks, everything he had seen in many people.

And when Sofiane, the boy who was the reason why Imane had that warmth in her eyes, was talking to him about his work in a youth center. Lucas was surrounded by arms that hugged his waist tightly and made both Imane and Sofiane raise their eyebrows in almost the same synchrony and Lucas had to press his lips trying to hide a smile. Lucas knew those arms, that smell of lavender and he could also feel the smile resting on the top of his head.

"Sorry, can I steal him for a minute?" Eliott asks his two friends.

Sofiane smiles and nods his head. "Go ahead. It's your birthday, not ours."

"Thank you." Eliott thanks him and frees Lucas from the hug by taking his hand instead and leading him away from the group.

Lucas lets Eliott drag him down the aisle, but they both hear Imane screaming behind his back. "At eleven o'clock, cake!"

He laughs, frowning at Eliott. "Is there cake?"

The boy rolls his eyes in denial. "Things about them. Uh, wait here. I'll be right back." He drops his hand and heads down the opposite hallway into his room.

Lucas stands there waiting for Eliott until he returns and intertwines his hands to the door. Eliott is about to close the door when this time Arthur's voice stops him.

"Where are you going?"

Eliott opens his mouth and closes it for a moment before answering his friend. "We are coming. We're just going to go buy some more beers. That… over." And he closes the door quickly, not giving his friend a chance to say anything else.

Lucas laughs when he sees Eliott's guilty expression, which is later replaced by a laugh. Eliott wastes no time and pushes Lucas up the stairs. The two climb the steps quickly until they reach the last level of the building where there is a large rusty green door and Eliott opens it with a key he finds at the top.

"What are you doing?"

Eliott has his lower lip caught between his teeth and he turns his face a little to see it with a smile. "You'll see."

After a few more attempts, the door opens and in front of it there is only a big terrace with a garden, or an attempt at a garden because everything there is already dead, in the middle. And above them a dark blanket with stars as bright spots around the sky is spread out. Lucas turns around to find Eliott's gaze watching him very carefully as if he were the most spectacular thing of all and not the night.

"Will you show me the stars again?” He approaches Eliott and takes his hands until they are both facing each other.

Eliott nods slowly, bringing one of his hands to his cheek and closing any distance in a kiss. A kiss that just like the one that morning was taking the time to taste it. Lucas embraces Eliott's waist with one of his arms leaving his hands still intertwined in the middle of their bodies.

"What about your party?" Lucas whispers over his lips.

Eliott smiles a little, leaving another short kiss on his lips before separating completely, leading them both to the edge of the terrace.

"I don't care."

Lucas bows his face looking for Eliott's glance, who pulls a box of cigarettes from his back pocket and hollows out his hands by lighting one. He allows himself to run his hand through Eliott's rebellious hair, and he turns his face to meet his own.

"It's your birthday."

"No, it's not my birthday anymore." He disagrees by giving him a sideways smile that makes Lucas roll his eyes. "Besides, it's only one more year."

Eliott rests his elbows on the cement looking towards the dark city. The buildings and houses that are in complete darkness submerged in the night and the only thing that differentiates them are the lights that project from their balconies or windows. In the distance they look like small fireflies, but inside those walls and under those roofs there are people. People who like Lucas feel happy, or just the opposite, and again, a feeling of pleasure filled Lucas in thinking that at this moment he could be one of the lucky ones and feel good. At Eliott's side he could not feel anything but happiness.

"I like it here." Lucas confesses to him.

He nods slowly, giving his cigar another long puff. "To me too. I'm sorry I pulled you out like that. I thought you were getting bored."

"It wasn't that bad." Lucas shrugs. "The beer was weird, but otherwise it was fine."

"So you want to go back?" Eliott tempts him with his raised eyebrow slightly upward.

Lucas laughs in quick denial before leaving another short, nicotine-tasting kiss on his smiling lips.

"I'm fine here." He tells him the truth. "Unless you go over there and sing me a song."

"No, not a chance." Eliott refuses again and finishes his cigarette, leaving the butt to rest on the cement.

Lucas tenses his forehead and lowers his lip in what he seriously believes is his best attempt to look cute, which is only making Eliott laugh.

"Please." Lucas begs him.

"No, not a chance."

"Please." Lucas wraps his arms around his neck, bending his face without erasing his expression.

"No." Eliott seriously tells him that he contrasts with a wide smile on his lips.

"I'll do whatever you want." Lucas moves his eyebrows up and down causing Eliott to laugh and his cheeks to look red even in the dark of night.

"Anything?"

"Whatever." Lucas confirms him.

"Will you play something for me?"

He swallows slowly and lowers his gaze for a few seconds before looking up again at Eliott's expectant eyes.

"Yes, I'll play something for you someday." He promises and raises his little finger that Eliott wastes no time in encircling with his own little finger in a silent promise.

"The next song you have to sing."

"Here."

Eliott went ahead and set his own terms. Lucas opens his mouth for a few seconds, but closes it by giving up and leaning back on the cement, leaving his hand on Eliott's shoulder clapping.

"Fine. A private show." Lucas jokes with a small smile.

Eliott approaches, leaving his lips a few inches away. "Only for you."

* * *

And if Eliott had had any grief at dancing and singing in front of Lucas, then he forgot about it pretty quickly. The next song that had started playing loudly was Hall & Oates' with Kiss On My List. Eliott complained a little at first that he didn't know the words, but Lucas pushed him in front of him saying it didn't matter, a promise was a promise. At first his dance moves had been so straightforward that any tree would have more rhythm than he did and Lucas laughed too much while trying to ask him what the hell he was doing and then it was impossible to breathe when Eliott did his best performance of dance of the back pack kid. It was ridiculous.

Lucas couldn't help but take Eliott's hand when he offered it to him and let him spin it. And soon they both ended up immersed in that bubble of ridiculous steps, invisible microphones, Eliott leaning on one knee with his eyes closed following Daryl Hall's solo and Lucas repeating aloud: "On my list, not on my lips", and Eliott answering him: "On my lips" at full speed, before taking his face in his hands and giving him a kiss that was interrupted because they both continued singing - in a terrible intonation - the lyrics of the song.

Perhaps they could be seen as two strangers dancing on a terrace in the dark, but Lucas would not have changed a second of those three minutes. As Eliott did every silly, seductive dance step Lucas could feel his face growing hotter and his eyes filled with tears from laughing so hard. And when the song ended with the start of a completely different one - both with his rapid breathing and Lucas's knees shaking from the effort - Eliott hugged him around the waist. His face rested on his shoulder and Lucas rested his head on Eliott's, hugging his neck with his arms, changing the rhythm of his steps to slower and lazier ones on the cement.

"How much I bet you that was Basile's choice." Eliott jokingly comments, causing Lucas to laugh out loud.

"What a romantic heart is hidden under that steel chest."

Eliott lets out a laugh that makes Lucas's chest tremble against his and he smiles proudly that he has made such a beautiful sound.

"Daphne must be very much in love or very tired to let him do that."

"Hey." Lucas shakes his head a little, but Eliott's face remains hidden in his neck without making any movement to signal that he wants to leave. "What time is it?"

"I don't know." The voice sounds lower and his hand goes up his back, gluing his body more against his own as much as humanly possible.

"We have to go get your cake." Lucas reminds him, but Eliott just makes a whimpering sound.

And at that moment the song ends and in its place a Queen's song begins, which makes the mood of the party rise a little more, just like Eliott's, who raises his head and opens his eyes by moving his face a little.

"Christ God, Basile well knows how to make the public sleep." Eliott jokes in a half smile.

Lucas laughs and pushes him a little without letting go of his grip by slowly denying. "Does he know that that song was published after John Lennon died and it's really like a goodbye?"

"No." Eliott responds before breaking into a restrained smile. "But if I tell him that, he will stop singing that song at every party, then I will let him know."

Lucas can't help but laugh louder and Eliott keeps leaving him a castrated kiss on his lips that Lucas breaks when he splits up a little. "Do your friends only sing songs from the 90's down?"

Eliott hums as he passes his hands over Lucas' forehead, making some locks of hair that fall over his eyes disappear. "Yes, we try to listen to more recent songs, but everyone has different tastes and anything before the 90's is acceptable." He takes a hair between his fingers and places it behind his ear. "And we tried to sing music in French, but we realized it was more fun in another language."

"And whose idea was it?"

Eliott tilts the corner of his lip in a thoughtful expression. "I'd like to say mine, but it was Imane's."

"I don't doubt it."

A voice from the terrace door announces the arrival of someone else. From a distance Lucas cannot see the person well. A girl with dark straight short hair and light skin advances to them and behind her you hear some complaints in French along with some grunts. Emma along with the girl he met at the club, Manon, come carrying what appears to be a small red cooler.

Eliott takes a step backwards releasing Lucas from his embrace to put one arm around the girl's shoulder in a half embrace in which she mutters a few words in their language.

"Zoé this is Lucas." Eliott introduces him to the light-eyed girl, who wastes no time in kissing his cheeks quickly.

"So you are _that_ Lucas. Emma hasn't stopped talking about you since she met you." The smile on her lips is wide and warm as her eyes glow through the darkness.

"I told you I was going to be here." Emma squats in front of the cooler, opening it and leaving a few bottles of beer in sight. "It's the only romantic setting in this old building."

"And we had to come and interrupt?"

Emma shrugs off a few bottles before slamming it shut with her foot. "It's my duty."

The dark-haired girl rolls her eyes accepting the beer that Emma offers her. And Manon walks up to Lucas leaving two kisses on his cheek and then turns to greet Eliott in a big hug followed by some words that he simply answers with a few short ones: "Yes". Followed by some lowly laughter.

"I thought you weren't coming." Eliott heads to Manon.

The girl tilts her head to one side by raising her shoulders and lowering them. "The trip was delayed so, change of plan."

Emma offers Manon a beer, which she rejects with a shake of her head.

"I work as a social worker and sometimes I travel to other regions, but luckily they changed the date." Manon tells Lucas.

"That's amazing." Lucas raises his eyebrows upward in obvious surprise that makes Manon smile broadly.

"Yes, that's where I met Zoé." Zoé, who was laughing with Emma about something, quickly turns her face to look at everyone trying to catch up with the conversation.

"Also a social worker?" Lucas asks the girl.

She laughs a little, shaking her head. "No, I'm a child therapist. That's how I met Manon and Manon introduced me to Emma." Zoé tightens her grip on Emma's waist, who laughs before taking a drink from her bottle without taking her eyes off her girlfriend.

"A nice love story." Emma states quite proudly in the tone of her voice.

"Thanks to me. You're welcome, really." Manon says in a joke tone that causes Emma to leave a quick kiss on her cheek.

"But we already said that our daughter is going to be named after you."

Zoé gasps in surprise. "Excuse me, no."

"Fine." Emma raises her hands in surrender. "Godmother, at least."

Eliott as well as Lucas smiles at that comment and the sight of the two girls sharing a tender kiss as Manon crosses her arms over her chest keeping that little happy smile on her red lips.

"Don't you want one, Lucas?"

Emma raises her own bottle of alcohol as a sign of offering, to which Lucas quickly meditates whether or not he should drink considering that his palate had not liked the taste of the last beer very much, but in the end he decided that a drink would not do him any harm besides the fact that it was a party. One person not drinking was fine, two people not drinking was a little acceptable but three people staying sober was too much.

"Yeah, please." Lucas finally gives in.

Emma doesn't waste time opening the cooler and handing over the cold glass bottle.

"Who did you steal that package from?" Eliott asks Emma, who opens her mouth in surprise as her girlfriend sighs and Manon grimaces.

"I didn't steal this from anyone."

She begins to defend herself, but Zoé goes ahead and cuts off any argument. "To Arthur."

"What?" Eliott asks out loud. "How did you do that?"

"Don't steal it." Emma continues to defend herself, but both her girlfriend and Manon didn't look quite agree. "It belonged to all of us, okay?"

"Yes, of course." Eliott says sarcastically provoking Emma by squinting at Eliott with a murderous stare.

"It was everybody's." Emma clarifies the situation by pointing her index finger at the two of them as if she were waiting for them to give her confirmation that they had understood her point. "And I may have needed someone else's help."

Lucas is going to ask who was the accomplice when both Zoé and Emma turn their faces towards Manon who looks anything but happy.

"Nooo." Eliott puts his hand to his mouth, covering his smile.

"Yes." Manon had a grimace of displeasure that screamed his desire to disappear at that moment. She says that simple monosyllable that makes Eliott laugh.

"No."

"Yes." Manon continues to confirm.

"It can't be." Eliott slowly denies, alternating his gaze between Emma and Manon. "You told me you wouldn't keep feeding that game of Emma anymore," he points to Emma with the cigarette he is holding between his fingers. "You have to stop torturing them like that."

"It is not torture. I'm returning the favor she did me."

"Putting her together with Arthur?" His girlfriend asks him in a strong tone keeping her expression full of disbelief.

Emma nods, clearing the bottle from her lips and letting a few drops accumulate in the corner of her lips before she finishes swallowing. "You haven't seen the way they look at each other."

"You need an eye doctor with emergencies."

Lucas launches the commentary in mockery, while Manon accompanies it with another serious commentary.

"You are imagining things."

"Arthur has chemistry with anyone." Eliott tells him after inhaling a puff of his cigar. "But Manon never."

Lucas observes the way the clouds of smoke come from his lips when he speaks and forces himself to look away when Zoé's words take him out of his thoughts.

"Especially with Basile." Zoé says. Manon laughs with a nod and Eliott shrugs his shoulders accepting that comment. "They could be a nice couple of three if Daphne would let him."

"A nice couple of three except for Daphne." Manon points causing all three to laugh again.

"Why are we talking about this?" Emma asks with a scowl and confused lips.

"You brought up the subject." Zoé remembers him taking a lock of Emma's hair and putting it behind her ear in a loving movement.

"Sorry for being the cupid of this group." Emma apologizes.

"Title no one ever gave you." Manon clarifies with his raised eyebrow.

Everyone in the group laughs again and Lucas' stomach turns a thousand times - and it's not because of the cold beer he's still holding in his hand that he doesn't approve of - but when Eliott stands behind him after putting out the cigarette butt with his foot and hugging his shoulders, drawing him in and leaving his chest pressed against his back in a hug. His temples and cheeks together, his hair sinking and a small kiss deposited in the lower part of his lobe.

The five remained on the terrace talking, laughing, taking the sarcastic and mocking comments of Emma or Eliott who tried to defend themselves, roll their eyes and simply ignore. Lucas drank from his beer bottle from time to time, Eliott kept smoking until his cigar box was empty, Zoé kept talking to him about her work while Emma tried to see the screen of Manon's cell phone, to find out who was the mysterious boy she was texting with. It was a quiet and fun night.

A night he could remember forever.

For a complete stranger, Lucas felt like he fit right in with the group and was welcomed by everyone. Lucas felt strange, but also happy, he had never been good at making friends and his only lifelong friend had been Harve and maybe a few other college classmates, but no one else. And to see himself surrounded by all those people who treated each other like one big family.

After Emma was having her fifth - that's what she swore by the most sacred - and last beer, and when Manon was saying goodbye to them promising she would see them before leaving on her trip. Imane appeared accompanied by some people pushing Eliott to blow out his birthday candles, and even when Eliott refused saying it wasn't even his birthday anymore. Basile, with his eyes wide open, asked him if he was willing to destroy the tradition. That's how Lucas ended up standing at the door of the small room listening to a group of twenty people singing loudly, jumping and hugging around a cake that could not have been meant for more than twelve people. And no, there was no point at the end because no one ate from the cake and everyone kept celebrating until the clock struck two in the morning and little by little people were disappearing.

"Don't you have any neighbors?" Lucas asks Eliott curiously when the boy finishes closing the door of the apartment after dismissing the last guests.

The two walk into the living room where the stereo is still playing at a lower volumen a song that is comparing the heart of his loved one to a star. Referring to his remoteness and feeling of impossibility and desire. Lucas remembered hearing it many times before, but he had never noticed the lyrics. And the way in which the composer expressed his patience and love by implying that he would wait until that star fell and he could catch it in his arms. In the arms where it belongs.

"Yes, but they're all just as much of a party animal as we are, or they're like Lisa who's happy as long as no one bothers her."

Eliott responds as he takes Lucas' hand, making him turn on his feet and letting his breasts hit in a soft shock that manages to make Lucas laugh, but his laughter is cut off as his lips join in a slow kiss that Lucas chases on his tiptoes.

Eliott smiles on his lips as he notices the effort Lucas is making not to break the kiss.

"Don't laugh." Lucas warns him with a scowl.

He bows his head, raising his hands behind his back.

"I'm glad to know that my stature makes you funny." He says in a sarcastic tone and Eliott approaches him slowly denying kissing him again.

Lucas could have stopped him, but he didn't, not when it was so easy to let himself be carried away in Eliott's arms. The arms where he belongs. That thought makes Lucas groan a little against Eliott's lips, when he takes his lower lip between his teeth opening his mouth and letting his tongues move in a soft and delicate movement that little by little is transformed into a completely opposite one, full of a desire that both Lucas and Eliott die to consume.

"The room is not that far away." Idriss interrupts them, causing both to part their lips and turn their faces to meet the boy with his arms crossed and a serious expression.

Just like a father who has just returned from a long day at work and finds his only daughter in her boyfriend's arms in some hidden corner of the room seconds away from doing something she might regret all her life, the hypothetical father said.

Lucas feels the skin on his face warmer and he steps back to clear his throat. Eliott's hand slides down to cover Lucas' hand with his.

"Stop messing around, Idriss." Danielle laughs as she passes behind the tall boy. "We thought we'd spend the night in my apartment and give you some privacy."

"Yes please." Idriss says in relief, causing Danielle to roll her eyes by pushing his side with her.

"That's fine, thank you." Eliott thanks them and receives the hugs from each of them. He says something in French to Idriss that causes the boy to frown a little, but Lucas looks away when he gets a big hug from the light brown-eyed girl.

"I loved meeting you, Lucas." The girl tells him with a sideways smile that Lucas can do nothing but reciprocate, feeling relieved and happy to hear those words.

Eliott is very happy to have these people by his side. "I liked it too."

Lucas confesses to her, and with that last one, she gives him a slight squeeze on his shoulder before stepping back to give Idriss room to surround him in an equally strong but firm embrace.

"Please do whatever you did to make him this way but also don't make the neighbors complain too much." Idriss begs him.

Lucas feels his jaw open as Danielle lets out a low laugh that is interrupted by Eliott's voice screaming: IDRISS!

If he had doubts that, if his cheeks were red, well, now there was no doubt that they were.

* * *

As soon as the apartment door closed behind Idriss and Daniel, leaving the two of them alone completely. Lucas wastes no time in taking Eliott's hand and moving it a little to the side, watching the outline of his face until he turned around to find his blue eyes carefully examining him. Waiting patiently as some kind of animal ready to catch its prey with its guard down.

"So." Lucas raises his eyebrow waiting for some answer from Eliott.

Eliott pulls the corner of his lip to a half smile. "And I think I should go clean up."

Lucas feels his eyebrow drop until both form a half-frown brow. "What? No, I think you could do that tomorrow."

He pushes Eliott without letting go of his hand directing the room, but stopping at the door turning around and leaning his face to the side letting his lips meet Eliott's lips halfway through a soft, slow, patient kiss, full of so much adoration that it made Lucas's lungs tremble when Eliott pulled up his shirt making it disappear while his steps kept walking backwards to wherever Eliott was directing him.

Lucas is busy pulling Eliott's shirt over his head as he walks away from Lucas's lips. His hands rest on each side of his neck, his sternum goes up and down trying to recover his breath, his eyes are in his own, but they are lost. They are off in a way that he had never seen before that made Lucas embrace his waist passing the palms of his hands through the lower part of his back causing that for the first time Eliott's gray eyes really saw him.

Lucas opens his lips ready to ask what's going on, but Eliott does it before he has a chance to look away again by running his hand through his hair.

"God, I don't know how to say this without it sounding pathetic." Eliott says with a half-smile on his lip full of so much pain that he made Lucas bring his two hands to Eliott's face embracing his cheeks forcing him to look into his eyes. "It's so ridiculous."

"Eliott, you can talk to me, you know that, right?" Eliott nods slowly, wetting his lips and taking all the air his lungs allow him. "What's going on?"

"It's just that I've never been this way with any guy." Eliott explains to Lucas by causing Lucas' jaw to loosen, but he soon recovers by blinking a little and running his thumbs down the sides of Eliott's face trying to calm that whirlwind of thoughts that are going through his head.

"Really?"

Lucas frowned a bit, but he couldn't help but feel so confused. It doesn't make any sense. Eliott? But he was the most beautiful person he knew and he had already noticed the way other people looked at him. Sometimes with a little veneration, sometimes with a little envy, even a mixture of both. It didn't make sense.

Eliott nods again and Lucas follows the movement of his Adam's apple as he slowly swallows, wanting to look down, but Lucas doesn't let him.

"I've been with girls and boys, I've done it with boys, but... I don't know how to say it. It wasn't at my best, I didn't feel like myself and honestly I don't remember most of the things that's why I stopped having that kind of contact with any man in that way.” Eliott's face overflows with a feeling of sadness and discomfort that only makes the desire to embrace him grow inside Lucas. "And I'm so nervous because I don't want it to be like any of that this time.”

Lucas slowly denies, feeling Eliott's hands climb up his naked lower back, following the path of his spine. "We don't have to if you don't want to." Lucas slowly assures him with a small reassuring smile.

Eliott quickly denies by tightening his grip on his skin, not allowing Lucas to go away as if he feared he might suddenly turn around and walk away with no plans to return.

"No, no, I want to do it.” He tilts his face to the side leaving a short kiss on the top of his right eyebrow causing Lucas to breathe a small sigh of relief. "I just wanted you to know.”

He steps back far enough for Lucas to see clearly his gray eyes that are more focused, more enlightened, more like his own. Lucas had not realized how much he had become accustomed to seeing him. How much they were essential to him. He lowered his hands to his shoulders, letting Eliott hold him more tightly to his chest. He could do anything with me that I would be willing to do. God, now I could understand why they said the worst state a person could be in was in love because he felt capable of doing or giving anything to keep that sun between Eliott's dark green irises.

"I wanted you to know what you mean to me." Eliott says quietly to Lucas, making him smile a little when he hears those words.

It felt so high, too high to be true. He wanted to be able to go back for a few seconds and hear those words again, to be able to feel the way his chest went up and down a few inches as if he wanted to jump out of it, but something stopped him before he had a chance.

"And I also wanted you to know that I don't want to hurt you, I'm very afraid to do so." And the look of glory fell just a little on Eliott's face. He could clearly see the concern drawn between the lines of his eyes and his lips.

Lucas slowly denies by tiptoeing between his lips and kissing him as if he could erase them completely. He cancels it out, disappears it, absorbs that feeling that is pressing on Eliott and makes him free of his fears.

"You're not going to do it." Lucas assures him by caressing Eliott's naked sides with a sideways smile before releasing the next words in a joking tone. "I can help you a little but I don't plan to do all the work.”

Eliott laughs quietly as he finishes pushing Lucas's body down his back, drawing him into a kiss so slow that Lucas does not remember ever being kissed in such a sweet way.

What a way to be desired. What a way to be loved. Lucas thinks before he lets his body fall on the soft mattress, with a little grace, making Eliott laugh on his lips while he wastes no time embracing the back of his neck not allowing him to cut that kiss that is breaking his soul and gluing it back together piece by piece with care.

This is what he was waiting for all that time.

And Eliott could not have done it with so much love. It was such a ridiculously delicate way that it even made him laugh.

The way he took his time to undress him, fighting a little with his shoes and even asking him if it was really necessary to tie each of the cords so tightly causing Lucas to laugh so hard as he lay there watching Eliott's battle with all of his clothes. He took advantage of that moment when Eliott was between his legs to bend his knee and let his thighs brush against Eliott's in such subtle movements that Lucas could enjoy the reactions he was provoking.

When finally - after another short kiss from Eliott while fighting his own clothes, among some laughter and complaints about how easy this looks on TV - Lucas found himself under Eliott's body covering every inch of skin with his own making his own body feel too small for him. He couldn't control his own hip movements that were driven backwards by Eliott's touch.

Their bodies remained for a long time intertwined naked simply by kissing and touching every corner of their skin that their hands could reach. And just as Lucas's own erection was beginning to feel more uncomfortable on his abdomen, where it was in small friction with Eliott's making his back arch upward. Just as Lucas was determined to take them both in his hand and give them what they were craving. Eliott muttered six words that made Lucas tremble under his body before he could say yes, that he wanted Eliott to do it.

And if there was one thing that Lucas hadn't felt before, it was that. It was that care with which Eliott had treated him. The way he left a path of kisses on his pale back, the way his hands touched his thighs far enough apart and also how he never stopped telling him that they could stop if he wanted to. Lucas just kept accepting what he was saying, pushing, chasing, yearning, taking and recording all the ways Eliott made him feel loved. God, it was so slow that it was even frustrating for him at first, but Eliott knew how to listen to him. He knew how to understand his body and did everything possible to give him what he needed in the right measure.

That's how Lucas ended up in that current position. He could not imagine himself like that with his cheek resting on the pillow, his neck exposed, his breath agitated, his hands hidden between the wrinkled sheets that stuck to his sweaty body, his thighs and back tense chasing a piece of Eliott and Eliott's own flushed body covering like a blanket every part of his body.

Lucas lets out another short moan as Eliott's fingers withdraw back into him after touching him in a way that is completely destroying him. It is a feeling that is burning him up both inside and out. He squirms a bit, causing Eliott to keep leaving short kisses on his back from the middle to the back of his neck where Lucas can feel his smile pressing against his warm skin. God, why the fuck did he have to do it this way? What did he have to do to make Eliott stop torturing him in this almost malevolent way?

"Eliott." Lucas lifts his face from the pillow, meeting his profile a little. He is beginning to let despair take over and also tiredness. He feels exhausted and hasn't even started, but his own desire is too much for him underneath and his lips hurt from how much he's been biting them trying to hold back. "I swear I'm five seconds away from screwing everything up if you don't do something else.”

"I thought you wanted me to hold on longer." Eliott tells him, leaving another short kiss on his shoulder, and Lucas can swear he can feel that smug smile, but suddenly Eliott's touch comes back inside him, but again superficially. Too shallow that Lucas lets out another gasp of despair.

Lucas closes his eyes by pressing hard enough on the pillow under him until the knuckles on his fingers are pale.

"Baby, I want it to be so, but please _please_ I just want more." Lucas must have been embarrassed by the way he found himself begging, but he couldn't.

Not when he had three, which was a good number for him, but it had stopped being with Eliott. He just wanted more.

Not when he's been lying on the bed in this position for more than ten minutes feeling Eliott's slippery touches slowly brush against your sweet spot allowing you to push it, to feel it a little bit that way it's driving Lucas crazy. The way he opens it gently, he moves his fingers delicately alternating his movements and giving him brief moments of relief in a knuckle-dragging push and another that feels like such a torturously vain touch that is making him see everything in red in front of him.

"What do you want?" Eliott whispers under his ear letting his breath hit the bottom of his lobe sending a chain of shivers down the back of Lucas's neck to his lower back where his skin meets Eliott's abdomen.

Lucas compresses his lips just trying to hold back a little when one by one of Eliott's long, thin fingers came out inside him leaving him completely empty but full of a heavy desire that he couldn't stand anymore.

"I want you." Lucas says trying to catch his breath. His throat feels dry and his eyes are struggling to stay focused. This is the closest he has come to despair. "I want you inside me, please.”

Eliott's body covers his back completely and suddenly Lucas's lips meet his in a hasty and even uncomfortable kiss that cannot be called a kiss but is enough for Lucas. It feels like the only source of oxygen in the whole room and he takes it. That was enough to calm him down a bit. Eliott's hip moves a little bit, colliding with the most sensitive area of Lucas's body, causing a painful gasp from his lips that brings him back to reality all at once, and one of Lucas's hands is holding Eliott's thigh tightly, not wanting to disappear into those sensations.

"Are you sure? Eliott asks as he gets up leaning on the palms of his hands stopping for a moment more to leave a kiss in the middle of Lucas' back, right there where his spine arched every time Eliott's mocking fingers touched his prostate.

Lucas nods, lifting his face from the sheets soaked in his own sweat, and takes advantage of the space between his body and Eliott's to turn over the mattress, getting caught between his two arms. He places his two hands on either side of his face lowering his thumb until it touches Eliott's lower lip pushing it down a little and he takes it. Eliott catches his finger between his lips, brushing it with his teeth and sucking it in a way that made Lucas swallow slowly without wanting to miss any of that dirty little game Eliott was doing with him.

"Yes.” Lucas answers in a whisper. With some effort, too much, his mind managed to connect the dots by remembering that behind those lips were Eliott's eyes seeing him through his eyelashes waiting for some kind of clear answer to his previous question. "Yes, I do." Lucas said again.

He didn't even know if he meant wanting it in or that Eliott would reproduce what he was doing with his thumb, but with him, shit, he didn't care. Eliott could do one or both of those things, it didn't matter, he just wanted him to touch him.

And Lucas thought that maybe Eliott could torture him more but he didn't, he must feel the same or even worse than he did, guessing how his own dick feels against his lower belly as Lucas absorbs between each kiss the little moans that escape from deep in Eliott's throat.

Eliott's hand, which is squeezing his hip with urgent force, pushes him, indicating that he should turn back to his original position, but Lucas separates himself from his lips by slowly denying, and regretting being too much of an interruption to the kiss.

"Not like that," Lucas leaves a kiss on the lower part of his jaw without being able to prevent his body from reacting to the friction of his naked skin by climbing a bit so that his erections are caressed just a little. "I want to see you."

Eliott moves far enough away for his eyes to meet and Lucas can see him so clearly, it was like seeing the dark sky with bright stars hidden behind his dilated pupil.

You are so beautiful.

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable.” Eliott says carefully, running his hand along the side of his face, making some locks of hair that fall on his forehead disappear.

"I will not be." Lucas assures him by raising his head a little to leave another kiss on the other side of his jaw. "I want you to see me when I come for you.”

"God, you can't tell me things like that." Lucas feels his smile grow little by little when Eliott says those words with the little breath he has left and closes his eyes for a few moments, taking a few seconds before opening them again leaving a short kiss on Lucas's lips. "Okay, just get up a little bit."

Eliott separates from him by walking away completely and leaving Lucas alone on top of the sheets that were crumpling up under him. Lucas knew what Eliott wanted to do, so while he was busy opening his nightstand drawer looking for some condoms. Lucas took advantage of this by placing a pillow on his lower back.

Eliott laughs a little as he turns back to his previous position between his legs, the place where Lucas was beginning to believe he belonged. He belongs here, in my arms and so do I, we were both born to be like this.

"Patience is a virtue, you know?" Eliott jokingly says to him, depositing some kisses around his neck while one of his hands goes along the sides of his body to one of his thighs, taking it by the knee and pushing it upwards, opening it up more at will.

Lucas follows his touch by leaning his face to the side giving him access to his lips to continue bathing him in love while letting his heel rest on Eliott's back giving him all the space for him to fill it up whenever he wants, preferably now.

"Yes, a virtue I do not have and do not care to have." Lucas half smiles hiding his face a little in Eliott's hair as the boy takes his hand up to his butt giving him time to get his body ready, but he is.

He is ready to receive him.

Eliott's hand slides down his inner thigh until it is placed on his hip, immobilizing Lucas's trembling body, which cannot help but twist underneath him. The heavy breaths of both are the only thing that fill the silence of the room along with the panting that Lucas is making an effort to silence. Eliott's misty, lost eyes are the only thing he can see when Lucas feels it for the first time. He opens his lips in a muffled groan as his breath is cut off and Eliott's hand presses against his skin.

It is too much. It is much more than he had imagined and Lucas is sure that it is not all that. Lucas knows that Eliott is holding back, giving him time to get used to it or to process everything that is happening in that moment himself. And Lucas thanks him, in part, because even though his sex life has always been active, this is different. It's not just the weight of his own desire piling up in his lower abdomen, which has never felt so overwhelming, but it's also the feeling of fullness that Eliott is giving him.

He takes his time, moving slowly within, listening to every moan that slips through Lucas's lips. His hands hugging behind his back too urgently as Eliott leans on his elbow beside his face letting Lucas's head remain immobile on his arm as well as his whole body that is making every effort not to move, but he cannot. Lucas's chest feels smaller and smaller, his breathing becomes more difficult and the kisses Eliott is leaving on his face feel like hot flames on his skin covered with a layer of sweat that is doing nothing to alleviate his excitement.

Lucas pushes himself upwards cutting off all the distance he could have with all the rest of Eliott and that does nothing but further ignite his cravings. From Eliott's lips a groan escapes leaving his forehead leaning against Lucas' shoulder and he understands it, he understands what he is feeling because he is also doing it. It is too good, God, this way he should feel always. Deep, full, complete, infinite, and now that he has tasted a fraction of Eliott he wants to hear, see, feel everything else.

And as if Eliott could hear his thoughts, he slides out of it until it's empty again except for the head of his dick which mocks him for a few seconds until he repeats the movement again but this time it was quick and hard in the end that Lucas didn't have time to bite his lip and avoid releasing what could have sounded like a sob at first sight but which raised it so high that Lucas could have sworn it felt like the sweetest sound of happiness, which Eliott wasted no time in taking between his lips.

Among them this movement was built, this fast and hard push that took Lucas' breath away until his throat hurt and made Eliott close his eyes with strength while from his half-open lips, over his own, came out uncontrolled moans that made Lucas' soul melt more and more on the white mattress.

It was an addiction, a complete drug to feel Eliott's fingers pinned on his high thigh that was held over his low back, occasionally pushing Eliott's body into his, causing the two to collide in a meeting that caused Lucas to see stars on the back of his head and Eliott to bite more urgently there, right there where his neck and shoulder met. It was so obsessive, so desperate, the way his movements were increasing in a hurry looking for his own pleasure, trying to catch it, drink it and finally free himself.

Lucas does not fully understand what kind of sounds are coming out of him, his whole world is reduced only to the point where he and Eliott come together where every push is making everything inside him tremble. And there is no more room in his world for other types of thoughts than this, just this, Eliott within him, filling it so well.

One of his hands is tightly clutching the sheets under him trying to hold onto something, anything, that will help him focus his attention on something other than that overwhelming feeling that is burning every part of him.

Eliott lifts his face, trapping his cheek with the soft palm of his hand, causing Lucas to open his eyes and meet his own. Instantly Lucas feels as if his chest is completely emptying, falling to his feet, to the feet where Eliott is leaning on his knees to use them as pushes and where his foot passes slowly over his calf bending more and more until he finds his other leg anchoring his ankles following with the same need the movements of Eliott's body.

Another moan escapes from their lips when Eliott manages to touch _that point_ that makes his insides contract and their own dick shakes frantically between their bodies. It is so overwhelming how good it can be, but at the same time so intoxicating that one of its corners rises in a half smile.

Eliott's eyebrows are furrowed a little and Lucas can follow the slow descent of a drop of sweat down his temple until it gets lost in his jaw.

"What- What's so funny?" Eliott asks in a hoarse voice that makes Lucas' erection vibrate even harder. God, he could swear he could even hear his own blood rushing down.

"You." Lucas responds breathlessly. Eliott's eyebrows relax by opening his lips again but this time he does not say anything, instead he makes that movement of hips touching Lucas' sweet spot again with so much force causing him to release a moan too high at the same time that the tips of his toes are bent.

Lucas can touch it for a few seconds. He knows it's only a matter of seconds before he lets go, but not yet, he wants to be able to do it when Eliott is ready.

The kiss they share couldn't even be called a kiss when Eliott's hurried, hard movements cause their bodies to collide in a frantic, wet sound that takes away every ounce of Lucas's breath. It was only his two open mouths drowning out every whimper and taking it as it comes.

"You are too good." Lucas whispers over Eliott's lips as he raises his head in pursuit of Eliott's kisses without being able to close his eyes.

"Lucas-" Eliott says his name which is interrupted by a groan that sends Lucas' body shot upwards. So high that he is almost afraid of missing that vision.

He pressed his fingers hard on the muscles of his back, wanting to leave his fingerprints on his pale skin. A mark that he can see and remember that he was here, like _this_. A freshly made tattoo that tomorrow Eliott will feel burning on his shoulder blades and his mind will only be able to evoke this moment.

"You are too good for me." Lucas continues to tell Eliott and he feels, under Eliott, how his abdomen vibrates in a palpitation that runs through Lucas's body as well. "Only you make me feel this way, please make me come. Eli- I am close."

Lucas manages to ask him and is so relieved the second Eliott wraps his big hand around Lucas and just a few strokes later, Lucas is being pushed over the edge. He should feel so ashamed of how quickly he fell, but he did not, not when Eliott's eyes were watching him with that delight that only makes his cheeks, neck, chest feel hotter.

From his lips comes a muffled scream followed by his own release. He feels how the knot under his groin is completely released, triggering long sensations of ecstasy along his nervous termites, and it is so good, it is almost liberating the way his mind is gradually cleared, allowing him only to enjoy the pleasure that runs through it.

He pushes rope after rope of his pleasure, covering his abdomen to his chest while Eliott continues his long slide into it making Lucas chase after replicas of his own orgasm. His body moves a bit against the mattress because of how sensitive he is starting to feel, but he doesn't move, he doesn't want Eliott to stop. He wants to give Eliott the same thing he just received.

Lucas, instead, squeezes his thighs over Eliott and pushes him down the back of his neck into his own in a kiss where he captures every moan of pleasure and his own name that sounds like a fantasy through Eliott's lower lip.

"Come to me, Eliott, please make me yours." Lucas murmurs over his shoulder leaving a path of kisses through his naked skin as he contracts inside Eliott and if he wasn't sure that was enough to push him, then he was very wrong, because soon Eliott's whole body shook over his, his knees finished moving slowly inside him, his back contracted a few seconds before all his muscles relaxed in a long tremor that Lucas received as his too.

The best of all was to hear Eliott's gasps falling on his neck and his face hidden between Lucas' sides, while he caressed his back gently with the tips of his fingers following his spine without missing the slow up and down of his breath. Chest against chest, legs interlaced, Lucas' cheek against Eliott's temple, Eliott's breath contrasting against his still-soaked warm skin and his arms surrounding his body in a firm embrace that ended up taking a little sigh from Eliott.

Both remain in that position for a long time until Lucas's mind feels much lighter and Eliott's weight on his become more real. He moves around drawing Eliott's attention by having him finish breaking any bonds while Lucas complains a little about the feeling of emptiness.

Eliott stands face up next to Lucas looking at the ceiling of the room half lit by the light coming from the hallway that manages to filter through the door that was kept open all that time.

"That was..." Eliott manages to say with the little encouragement he has just recovered. Lucas turns his face to meet his profile, but with a big smile across his face. "Unbelievable."

Lucas laughs, removing the pillow from his lower back and turning his body a little until he is lying on his side, and without his hand asking permission, it moves slowly over Eliott's chest outlining the last drops of sweat and also of his own pleasure that accumulate in the hidden corners of his skin.

"Are you going to keep saying that every time we have sex?” Lucas asks him without being able to avoid tilting his smile to the side, giving him that same smile Eliott gives him every time he scores a point.

"If it's going to be like that every time, yes." Eliott assures him, only by making the smile on Lucas' lips gradually widen.

Lucas can't feel anything but satisfied and happy, and it's not just because of what they just did. It's the way Eliott took care of him, talked to him, hugged him, and even gave him little signs that Lucas managed to capture, but he could hardly ever read them. There was some kind of secret language that he had not yet been able to decipher.

"Was it like you remembered the previous times?" Lucas dares to ask.

Eliott turns his face to the side to find Lucas's blue eyes. Unlike before, his eyes look much clearer and the glow is more evident. Lucas slowly lowers his hand to rest on your lower abdomen feeling Eliott's slow breathing under the palm of your hand.

"No." Eliott confesses to Lucas. "Besides I almost didn't do it, it wasn't even half of it."

Lucas laughs again, crawling back to Eliott, letting those invisible threads around them settle.

"I'm glad to be of help." Lucas says to him in a joking tone, provoking a loud laugh from deep within Eliott.

He stays in bed while Eliott gets up to get rid of the condom, tying it up and dropping it on the garbage. Lucas waits patiently for Eliott to return to wrap it up, but instead, he stands with his hand outstretched offering himself.

"Come on, let's get cleaned up." Eliott moves his head to the side pointing to the bathroom.

Lucas quickly denies and his nose rises in a grimace that makes Eliott squint. "I don't want to. Bring something to clean up."

"No, let's go." Eliott insists again.

"I don't want to." Lucas changes his strategy by giving him a pout that Eliott responds by rolling his eyes.

"Lucas."

Eliott tells him firmly, but he doesn't give up and responds in kind.

"Eliott."

"Let's go."

"I will not get up." Lucas continues to refuse. "You will have to take me there if you want to.”

Eliott lowers his hand, letting it fall to the side of his body. “Fine.”

Suddenly, Eliott leans on one knee, approaching him and placing one arm under the knee and the other around his back, thus pushing Lucas upward. Lucas lets out a small squeal of surprise when he realizes what Eliott did - without warning and with quite a bit of agility. And he rushed to wrapping his arms around Eliott's neck, thus preventing him from feeling more comfortable in that strange position.

"Eliott, I was kidding." Lucas bites his lip, letting Eliott leave him on his feet again on the cold bathroom floor.

Eliott nods in response, placing his hands on Lucas' neck and leaving a short kiss on his lips before walking away with a contagious smile.

"Remind me to thank Danielle for taking Idriss." Eliott said. Lucas laughs at this comment by placing his hand on Eliott's chest and giving him a slight push toward the shower.

* * *

This day had been filled with so many first times. First time he woke up next to someone. First time he had a slightly decent breakfast. First time he had spent time sober at a party. First time he had let someone fuck him in that position - which is not his favorite, to be sure, but he had never wanted to enjoy someone else's pleasure before. And now, first time he had taken a bath with a person.

The shower was small, but Eliott took care to let the water be hot enough so that when Lucas was on the other side, the steam around them would keep him warm enough. That and Eliott's own wet body pressing against his as the drops of hot water slipped through the openings in their bodies. But he never felt cold, not when Eliott's hands rinsed his hair and wiped away the excessive traces of lubricants that fell down his thighs. And when the cold fell on his shoulders, he just had to hug Eliott's back and rest his cheek on that little tattoo while the foam made its way down his neck to his feet.

Lucas could have let Eliott fuck him against the tile, but they didn't. The two were tired and comfortable enough to share long, lazy kisses followed by some secret smiles.

After their long shower, which none of them wanted to interrupt, but the dream was beginning to become more and more insistent. Eliott gave Lucas a pair of sweatpants - after taking a pair of worn-out pants for him - and a white shirt that were too big for Lucas and he had to endure some laughs from Eliott before he wrapped his shoulders with his arms leaving small kisses on his neck as they both walked to the bathroom where each brushed his teeth. One in front of the other, with their fingers lazily intertwined moving back and forth slowly in front of them.

First time wearing the clothes of another boy with whom, remarkably, he has some kind of relationship yet to be defined.

Lucas settles down under the sheets with Eliott at his side, hugging his waist in an embrace that finishes intertwining his legs, leaving no space between them. Lucas likes this too much. He likes to feel Eliott's lips on his cheek, Eliott's hand venturing under his white shirt that smells like him, his hand hidden between Eliott's still wet hair and his neck resting on Eliott's naked arm and his other hand caressing with the tips of his fingers Eliott's other naked arm that keeps him like this, close. Lucas likes too much that heat in his belly and the way his body moulds so well to Eliott's.

"I failed Idriss." Lucas finally says, keeping his eyes on the white roof. Eliott hums in response indicating that he is hearing him. "Your neighbors are going to hate me.”

Eliott laughs quietly, leaving a short kiss on the side of his temple before responding in a joking tone. "Thanks to you there will be a new topic of conversation at the neighborhood meeting."

"Shut up." Lucas also laughs by rolling his eyes and turning his face to meets Eliott's.

He takes a few seconds to think about what he is about to do, but in the end he decides to flip the coin and not see the results of the destination, just do it before the moment has passed and the words feel so out of place. Before his fear wins this great battle he wants to win.

"What I said was true." Lucas says to him, lowering his eyes to Eliott's pink lips where the smile is less wide but remains there, expectant. "You are too good for me."

"It is not true." Lucas can feel his breath fall on his face, and the smile is still there, on his side. Eliott does not believe him, but he is still happy to hear those words, Lucas knows that feeling. When you are so afraid to accept, but still fool yourself for a few seconds. A few seconds that can fill you with so much relief and even hope before you suddenly fall into reality and remember that it wasn't real.

He wanted Eliott not only to hold on to those words for a few seconds, but for him to feel the truth in his words forever.

"It is true.” Lucas raises his eyes to meet Eliott's dark eyes that through the moonlight look black as night, but Lucas is not afraid. In them he finds only that feeling of love that makes him want to embrace Eliott more and never again leave this world where only the two of them exist. And Lucas saw it, he saw a happiness so deep and so much more lasting, that he couldn't help but smile as he untangled his fingers from Eliott's brown locks to his cheek, running his fingertips through the rough skin.

"And I'm not just talking about sex.” Lucas jokes and Eliott laughs so hard that Lucas could swear he can feel his heart beating more vigorously.

I don't deserve you, I don't, Lucas thinks in silence.

"I'm glad to be of help too." Eliott says with a wide smile on his lips before closing any distance between them giving him a long, slow kiss that tastes like toothpaste, soap and that touch of lavender. His new favorite flavor, Lucas loved it so much. He loved how everything around him smelled and tasted like Eliott. He loved the way his world was reduced to Eliott and only Eliott.

Eliott. Six words that meant everything to him.

First time Lucas admitted to himself how much he loved someone, without fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song that Lucas mentions at the time alone with Eliott in the room is: Waiting for a Star to Fall - Boy Meets Girl
> 
> I love it too too much! I could say that this is my favorite chapter in history. I enjoyed writing it too much, especially the whole smut scene and the final part. It was so beautiful that just to imagine it I died of love for the two of them. So if you want to share your thoughts with me you are always welcome. Thanks again for every comment, kudo and for reading this story. May this chapter be for all of you who are staying here. I send you a big hug and take care of yourselves.


	11. Chapter 11

It was still too early. The sun had not risen; the rays had not begun to erase any traces of the previous night or to touch the first corners of the floors. The sky had a light blue tint through the window that allowed Lucas to see Eliott's face resting on the pillow.

His eyelashes rested on his sharp, thin cheekbones. Some tufts of golden brown, like the sun itself, fell on his forehead. His nose flaps opened and closed slowly, as did his chest. His relaxed red lips were half-opened. One hand hidden under the pillow and the other on the bed a few inches away from his own.

A peace fills Lucas's body as he observes the tranquility with which he rests. He looks much younger than he is, smaller, lighter and more fragile. He is very afraid to do anything that might disturb that blue aura that surrounds Eliott, and that is why he holds back his desire to take his hand to Eliott's forehead and stroke his hair and run his fingertips over his soft skin.

He stands there quietly watching and taking whatever the universe is giving him. These moments they want him to see. These minutes where the sheets that fall below his hip and become entangled in his legs. These seconds where Eliott's slow breathing falls a short distance from his face. These moments when he can forget about anything that might be happening outside those four walls - and inside himself - and be able to concentrate on Eliott.

Lucas bites his lower lip at the thought of how weird he might look and how bad Eliott would be scared if he ever found out how much Lucas enjoys watching him sleep. It's like he's doing it too. He is sleeping and running away from all his worries or thoughts. He is regaining the strength to face the real world.

An oasis in the loneliest desert.

My trusted, Lucas thinks in silence.

And that thought at another time would have made him get up suddenly and run away, but not anymore. Lucas didn't have time to worry about that, because this was what he needed and he was going to take advantage of it and take as much as he could. He didn't want to think about what those two words meant, he didn't want to look for signs in Eliott's movements, or analyze the looks, he didn't want to plan what he would do this morning or tonight either. He was tired of coding, and deep down he knows he's going to keep doing it because it's part of his nature, but now he could sit his mind down and ask him to slow down, and instead, let his heart - which is beating slowly but steadily - take over.

Eliott's forehead tightens a bit, allowing his frown to pucker up slightly for a few seconds and then relaxing. Lucas smiles a little before his heavy eyes close again and sleep pushes him into a dark tide that he is learning to be friend.

He manages to sleep about four more hours before a thin hand makes its way between his sides to his back and his whole body is pushed and wrapped by another warm body. And after an hour of rolling over in bed, a breakfast prepared by Lucas with a little help from Eliott's comments, two separate bathrooms, two suitcases, a trip to the bus station, two tickets sponsored by Eliott and half an hour more of waiting, the two boys found themselves on a bus on the way to Moselle.

The trip did not last more than five hours. Enough time for Eliott to share his music with Lucas, who decided that for the sake of his eardrums he was not going to expose himself to that kind of noise, and so for the first two hours he talked to him about his friends. Lucas learned some interesting things about Eliott's life such as that he had never tasted peanut butter but that it caught his attention, that he had a strange obsession with making popcorn spicy, that he has never had any other pet but Brian except for a turtle that died of old age - again, an obsession with reptiles - and also that he has never gone to a concert alone because whenever he plans to go something unexpected happens such as it is cancelled or the tickets are sold out early. And Lucas likes to hear him talk about his father who sounds just as sweet and nice as his son. His years at school that were just as difficult for him as they were for Lucas, his friends who, even though they each took a different path, are still just as close, and also how he got the job after realizing that being a dog caretaker or trainer was not a good option.

Lucas also talks about him a little bit, but every time the conversation moved towards him, he would change course just because this was something he needed. Something that his mind was asking for just like that morning, the distraction, the talk, the laughs, the teasing, the comments about some movie, a book or a singer, whatever could make him stop thinking that every hour that passed was one less for him to meet his grandfather. And silently Lucas thanked Eliott - like all those times before - for standing by his side and giving him this serenity.

They arrived a little after six in the evening in Moselle and without wasting much time, they checked into a small four-level hotel that did not have as many rooms.

The silence becomes a slight presence to a heavy and dense burden around him when Eliott asks him if he wants to go and eat a little, and everyone rolls over in front of Lucas's eyes until Eliott's voice manages to get him out of that flat spot.

"Lu?" Eliott is watching him from the bathroom door frame. His arms are crossed in front of his chest and his brow is furrowed in confusion.

Lucas blinks a couple of times trying to clear his head a little. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

He approaches him by taking a seat next to him on the bed and leaning his face to the side as if looking for some sign around him that helps him understand what was going on inside. "Are you okay?"

Lucas thinks about lying, it's much easier, isn't it? But something very strong grabs his arm and stops him before he can do it.

"I am afraid." He confesses to him.

"It is normal to be afraid."

Eliott assures him trying to calm his troubled waters that were becoming bigger and bigger waves. "What if he hates me?"

Eliott lets out a quick snort of denial. "He's not going to hate you. He's your grandfather."

"What if he doesn't like me?" Lucas continues to ignore Eliott.

"Impossible. You like everybody."

"And what if he turns out to be an old man who has forgotten me?' He lifts his hands up and opens his eyes. "Or worse, a complete homophobe who will take me out of his house and ask me never to step foot in his country again."

"First, he may not remember much because come on, how old is he? About eighty years old or less, but of course he will remember you if he loved you so much." Lucas opens his mouth to protest, but he steps forward, taking one of Lucas's hands and wrapping it around his own, forcing him to look him in the eye. "And secondly, you might want to save that little detail until the end if he turns out to be a nasty old man, just to give him one last bit of grief."

Lucas lets out a sigh by slowly nodding and lowering his eyes to his hand which is being slowly caressed by Eliott's hands.

My trusted.

"But don't be burdened by things that haven't happened." He continues to bring his hands to his lips by placing a short kiss on the bottom of his forehead while looking down at his long eyelashes. "You have to take it one step at a time. You can't run early because you might get a few surprises along the way."

"It's okay." He feels his shoulders drop a bit and the high tide, which was seconds away from becoming a huge tsunami and destroying everything he had been working on, calms down.

"Now, can we go eat? I'm starving."

Eliott tells him with a pleading look that Lucas can only respond with a small smile before surrender to his wishes because the truth is that he too could die for a plate of food.

* * *

And the day arrived faster than expected. The hours, the minutes and every second ran by in front of his eyes and it could have been a bad move by the universe. Having been waiting for that moment for over seven years and just when he is asking for the hours to stretch until his head feels clear enough to face reality, now was when the universe decided it was a good time to turn it around.

Lucas breathes heavily trying to get as much air as possible, but that is not enough. Eliott's hand intertwined with his is not enough. The air around him is fresh and almost cold even though the sun is at its best in the blue sky, but that is not enough either.

"Hey, no pressure." Eliott reminds him by giving him a gentle squeeze on his hand.

"So why can I feel as if it is?"

Lucas bites his lower lip hard trying to get him to feel something besides that itch that is making his deliveries squirm in pain. He raises his face to the end of the brown door that has the small number 28 placed in gold letters over the peephole.

"You can take all the time you need." He is reassured, but Lucas can also feel his emotions vibrating. God, what a mess.

" _But_..." Lucas tells him in a tone of voice that sounds more accusatory than he intended, but it's not his fault. For some strange reason he can't control it.

Eliott remains silent as if debating with himself whether or not to give in to the situation, finally he makes a decision. "But we can't stand here much longer. I don't think people here are used to this."

"Yes." Lucas agrees. He releases the air by letting his body relax a little.

"Besides, someone might get out."

Lucas nods slowly as he swallows. "Yes, it sounds scary."

"For them." He jokes by lowering the tension a few levels.

"For us." Lucas responds by returning the joke and hearing a little laugh coming from Eliott.

"That too." He laughs again. "But more than all of them."

"Fine." Lucas took another breath of air before taking a step to the doorbell. Still holding Eliott's hand, he has no intention of going anywhere, and he presses the button calling the house.

And suddenly it was as if the universe was playing another bad joke on him, because all the seconds became minutes and the minutes seemed like hours. Long, eternal hours filled with a distant sound in Luca's ears, his heartbeat.

"Well, this was a bad idea. Lucas begins to say. "There is no one."

"You don't know that." The boy next to him tries to stop the course of her thoughts.

"We could try again tomorrow." He raises his hand and drops it to his side.

"No, we're not going to do that."

"There is no one. This is so silly."

"Lucas."

"Why did you let me do it?"

"Lucas." Eliott calls him, but Lucas ignores him.

"Surely he must not be here anymore."

"No..."

"Who else spends living in the same place for more than fifteen years? It's silly."

"Lucas."

"This is so silly." Lucas clenches his jaw tightly. "I am so dumb. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Lu."

What did you have in mind when you came up with all this?

"What was I thinking?"

"Hey."

Eliott pushes his hand forcing Lucas to turn his face and raise his chin to meet his gray eyes that were studying him so intently. The same look he had every time he tried to understand what was going on in his head, as if he were trying to discover some kind of mystery of the universe.

"What did we say about running? All in good time."

He takes his hand to his cheek by running his thumb across his smooth skin, and that is enough. A small smile appears on Eliott's lips along with his look that falls to his lips and then rises to his eyes as if he had just discovered a secret and at the same time was caught instantly.

"You were thinking about meeting your grandfather. You're going to do it and it's going to work out." He reminds him. And when Lucas is opening his mouth to protest, Eliott steps forward. "And if at any point any of your _hypothetical_ scenarios come up, then we're going to do what we planned to do."

Lucas feels a small frown form on his forehead that makes Eliott leave a short kiss in the same place before walking away to find his blue eyes again.

"Let's take the first thing we find and leave without looking back."

Lucas smiles, tilting his face to the side. "That's robbery." He tempts him, but Eliott simply nods slowly, raising his eyebrow a little.

"Yes, but technically it belongs to you."

Lucas laughs a little, shaking his head. "Trespassing, vandalism, taking a bike that is not yours without permission and now stealing, is there anything you can do that is not illegal?"

"I'm not going to tell you." Eliott smiles, approaching him with the intention of kissing him, but stops a few inches away, leaving Lucas waiting. "You'll have to find out."

And with that last one he takes a step back that at first made Lucas feel a little upset but then he was grateful when the second time the entrance door opened leaving a woman no older than sixty, light brown hair, eyes of the same color and brown skin in sight.

The woman at the door begins to speak in a quick French, and Lucas takes a step near her ready and willing to ask her if she can speak to him in English, but Eliott goes ahead of him by putting his hand on him arm and stepping aside as he continues the conversation with her.

Lucas intersperses his gaze between Eliott and the woman, with a scowl, trying to understand whatever it is they are both talking about. He listens to his grandfather's name and observes the way in which the woman's face changes completely to one full of curiosity and also a little distrust, but soon that expression fades little by little and gives way to surprise and euphoria that forces her to bring her hand to her mouth before finally addressing him.

"Lucas?" She asks him by pointing him with her index finger to what he responds with a quick nod.

The woman gave him a smile that could have been bigger, but he could see that she was holding back. "Come in, come in."

She moves her hand indicating that they can follow her into the house.

The place is not so big but not so small either. The entrance is a small hallway with a carpet, a desk along with a coat rack and a tall lamp that illuminates the room sufficiently. Next to it is a living room and at the other end is a dining room with a huge window that looks out onto a backyard that has long since ceased to be a garden and is mostly a jungle with long plants hanging in the garden, rose bushes and too many vine ivies all over the wall. The house was sweating that smell of home. Like something out of those movies where the mother and father buy the house to raise their four children, watch them grow up, leave the nest, grow old and leave everything within those walls - thoughts, feelings, memories, plans, dreams - to their grandchildren and future generations. It was very welcoming. The homiest thing Lucas has ever seen.

The two boys sit side by side in a small two-piece armchair in front of a coffee table. Lucas' eyes finish going around the room and then turn around to meet Eliott's profile, who is also absorbed in everything that happens.

"What were you talking about out there?"

Lucas asks him in a low voice. Taking advantage of the fact that the woman disappeared across the room a few minutes ago after assuring them that they could make themselves comfortable in the room.

The boy turns his face to meet his expectant eyes and shrugs before answering.

"The usual. What we wanted, who we were looking for, from whom, and when I told her you were his grandson, she asked me about you."

Lucas slowly swallows, looking down at his hands resting on his knees. Probably the temperature was in the last few seconds, he is not sure, but suddenly a burning heat surrounded his body and his hands, as well as his whole body, felt unpleasant.

There it is again. That familiar feeling. Lucas could almost have greeted it with a: Welcome back, anxiety, you had been a long time coming.

And as if Eliott could read what he was about to say, he took one of his hands and turned it over, leaving his palm extended towards the sky, and ran his fingers over the warm skin until each of them occupied a space, letting his hands intertwine.

Lucas raises his face and bumps into those two gray eyes that are reading him so carefully, so patiently, so lovingly that it makes Lucas tremble inside.

What did I do to deserve you? It feels so good that you are here with me.

You are like the rain after a wildfire.

My peace.

He almost shakes his head trying to make his mind land again and leave all those thoughts for later. After all this is over. After he met his grandfather.

"Do you think I will meet him?" He dares to ask.

Eliott's expression wobbles a little as he curls the corner of his lip to one side in a half-smile. "It may be. If not, she wouldn't have let us in."

"Yes."

From the corner of his eye, Lucas visualized the woman returning to the room carrying a silver tray that he carefully left on the table.

"Tea?" She takes a seat in an armchair next to Lucas.

Eliott says in French that she responds with a slight nod and a small smile hidden in the corner of her lip. He moves from his place approaching the table and taking the teapot serving each of them a cup of hot tea.

"We have been waiting for you. To be honest, we never thought you would come back." She says to Lucas. Her eyes are light brown, as clear as honey, and so familiar. They were identical to his mother's eyes. "I'm sorry about my English. I thought we could speak in French, but I wasn't sure you'd remember."

"No." Lucas assures her by reassuring her. "It's okay. The truth is that everything I knew I forgot over the years."

And as soon as fear appeared in front of him, shame did too. It was so ridiculous; how could you forget your own first language? Only someone like him could let that happen, and he almost felt so eager to apologize for doing so.

"You were so little when you left." She laughs a little, tilting her head to the side while examining Lucas's face. "I didn't expect you to recognize me."

"No?"

Lucas feels a little frown forming on his forehead, but she doesn't let that smile fall. It was a little disconcerting how calm she seemed, as if deep down she was ready for this moment. Unbelievable. She is, but he isn't.

"No." She corroborates this. "When you left you were about three years old, more or less, and I had only been working with your grandfather for a short time."

"Are you Agnés?" Lucas guesses.

She raises her eyebrows in surprise. "I am; how do you know that?"

The heat that he had previously felt at the back of his neck gradually crept up to his cheeks and he shrugged off any sense of importance. As if it were so simple or obvious that he knows her name.

"My grandfather wrote some letters to my mother and mentioned that name a lot." He clarifies.

"Your grandfather used to write a lot to your mother." Agnés says with a little smile, but this one is different from any of the previous ones. It is sad. "We were hoping she would write back at some point."

"She is sick."

"I know." At these two words, Lucas can't help but slip a little closer to the edge of the couch while seeing his two honey-colored eyes that have little age wrinkles at each corner. "We knew it. Everyone here knew it, including your mom." She explains. "But we never saw it as a big deal. How is she?"

"One day at a time." Lucas says with little humor in his voice. Agnés nods her eyes down for a few seconds. "Now she is in a clinic and under special care, but it is one day at a time for her. Some good days and some not so good."

He had not rights. Not one to speak for his mother and say such things, and the guilt that felt like ice settled in his lower stomach and creeping up his lungs and down his throat and into his mouth made Lucas have to bite his lower lip hard to stop any sound of pain.

Not now. This is no time to be sorry for all the things you haven't done.

How can he be sure she's okay? How can he accept that look of pain and pity as if he'd been all over her? How can he-

"I'm glad to know that." Agnés' voice calls him to reality. Her words sound so sweet. Full of so much goodness, but that hint of nostalgia still present. "She has always been a lovely woman. She used to let you stay up late with your grandfather until one of us fell asleep."

Lucas hears Eliott's laughter at his side that makes his shoulders fall a little and he suddenly feels a little more comfortable. He can't laugh a bit at that little, very little anecdote that gives Lucas the final push to throw the question that will lead him to the person he has been waiting for so long.

"Agnés."

The woman nods slowly indicating that he can continue.

"Yes?"

"Where is my grandfather?"

And Lucas, he didn't need much to understand it. The eyes that went from surprise to complete sadness. The hands of Agnés that reached theirs. The expression of pain, which for Lucas's age was not impossible to avoid, and also the tense forehead in had a clear message: "Of course you don't know", written on all that brown skin. And then came that whisper, "Oh dear" that felt like a bucket of frozen water over his whole body. The silence, or that was all that Lucas distinguished from his surroundings, and the seconds that turned out to be accomplished.

The world had stopped turning. The clock that marked two o'clock in the afternoon stopped. Any sound coming from the outside ceased to exist. And amidst the silence, the paralysis of any space-time, Lucas felt nothing.

Nothing.

Seven years waiting to hear something from his grandfather. All these years waiting to be able to have a part of his life near him. So many months dreaming of the day when he could embrace those hands and feel some sign of sincere love. So many days counting the minutes to hear the voice that had been his favorite sound before. So many minutes walking down the streets drawing a thousand scenarios of how his grandfather would look. So many seconds writing dialogues, changing them, moving them, recording them in the back of his head.

Will he recognize me? Yes, he will.

Shall I tell him that I miss him? I could do that, I'm sure he'll be happy.

Will he tell me that I look like my father? No, he'll tell me I look like one of his family.

Will he tell me about his youth? He will do so until he is tired because he wants to be heard and because I need to listen to him.

Will I feel good in his arms? Maybe just take my hands, but it will be enough.

And behind those scenes, behind those dialogues, behind all those images, behind everything he always came: What if... And if it wasn't like that.

And now those words have come true. That dark part materialized in front of him, and there was nothing. There was no pain, no confusion, no anger, no questions, it was that silence.

He was the silence.

"When?" His voice sounded a little lower and raspy as if he had been screaming for hours. He clears his throat and speaks louder, making himself heard. "When was that?"

"About eight years ago." She answers him, still with her sagging gaze, but holding her eyes that pass back and forth looking for some sign. Is she looking for that same pain? "He was pretty sick. He had kidney failure. He was in and out of the hospital all the time. A few days in the hospital, he was in and out, but finally, he couldn't take it anymore."

Eliott's palm rests on his back. Warm, firm, constant, like a fire ready to light and give all its warmth and company in the coldest and loneliest night. And Lucas thanked him in silence, again, for being there. That is enough. His presence is all he needs.

"We were with him always, Lucas, you don't have to worry about that." She gives him one of those looks that Lucas hates so much, but he shakes off any feelings that might make him feel sick and focuses on the words. He was fine. He wasn't alone.

"I'm sorry." Lucas apologizes without much thought. His mouth opens and spills that feeling because it is easier, because it is right, because it is as it should be. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for him."

"Lucas." Agnés says gently tilting her head to see it clearly. "It is not your fault. You didn't know anything."

"Seven years ago I found the letter and knew of his existence, but I- I did not dare to come."

A small smile pulls one of the corners of her lip. A reassuring smile. The same smile Melanie gave him every time he went to visit his mother - when he still did - and she gave him some bad news. A smile that said: It's not your fault, that's life. And yes, that was life, but why did it feel like a choice? I could have done more, Lucas scolds himself.

"He knew you loved him very much and he loved you like you don't have an idea."

Yes, that could be true.

"You said you worked for him." Eliott interrupts his thoughts, speaking at his side and addressing Agnés.

She turned her gaze away to see Eliott's in a concentrated gaze. "Yes, I did work for him. I was his nurse. Lucas' father hired me a year before they left."

"Wow, you must have known him pretty well."

Eliott continued the conversation, but Lucas could be heard from miles away. Lucas' mind was completely silent again. It felt as if his head was stuck under water and his ears were only able to pick up voices from the surface in distorted sounds.

Eliott's hand resting on his back went down until it fell into his lap, taking his hand again and forcing Lucas to meet his face. His eyes were not on his own, they were still fixed on Agnés', but his little smile on his side went straight to him.

My strength.

"It must have been fun." Eliott was laughing quietly as he slowly denied.

"You have no idea. It was very silly but fun." She was also laughing. "I wouldn't do it again even if they offered me all the money in the world." Agnés moves her eyes to Lucas' even without erasing that happy smile. "You haven't had your tea."

Lucas nods slowly and approaches the table where he takes the glass cup that Eliott offers him slowly.

He can't even get angry with himself for not being able to function normally. Everything around him is too slow and the words or any movement is too fast. Too much for him. Lucas suppressed his desire to hit his head hard on any flat surface.

"Celine. Lucas' mother had some pictures of his grandfather in Paris, do you know if he lived there?" Eliott asks her curiously before continuing to blow his own cup of tea gently.

"Oh yes." She snaps her fingers quickly with her eyes open. "I think I still have some things of him among them, some pictures. But yes, he lived in Paris all his life until he met Lucas' grandmother and they decided to come and live here because his family had uh what's the word?" She murmurs, stopping to think for a few seconds. "A business in this part of the country.”

"What happened to that business?" Eliott asks again with great interest.

She goes up and down her shoulders. "I think the brothers ended up giving it away when their parents died, but that was so many years ago." She moves over to the table drinking her own cup of tea and dropping two spoons of sugar on the contents.

"They came to live here in the early 1960s when there wasn't much of a population yet." She takes a short sip of her tea. "If my memory serves me correctly, a few years later your father was born. Your grandfather was quite old when they had him. Your grandfather was thirty-five years old, more or less."

"And do you know if he had some connection with the army?"

Agnés laughs a little quietly and then nods enthusiastically looking happier and happier about sharing all that information. "Of course he did it, how do you know?"

"We found it in an old news item." Lucas says to her.

"It must have been a very old newspaper." She smiles, taking another sip from her teacup before leaving it on the table and getting up to shake her clothes a little. "I think I still have some of those clippings. I'll go get them. I'll be right back."

"Go ahead." Eliott bows his head with a small, friendly smile on his lips.

The second the woman leaves the room leaving them alone, Eliott turns his face to Lucas'. It was not annoying, it was not uncomfortable, it was not irritating to see those gray eyes full of so much. It was impossible for him to feel bad under Eliott's eyes, but still it was like a pang. He knows. He knows what I'm feeling.

"Are you all right? He knows all my shame, but still he asks. He needs to hear my side of the story.

"I'm fine." Lucas tells him as honestly as he can.

Eliott wets his lips with his tongue. "I am very sorry."

"It's okay." Lucas lets out a sigh by lowering his eyes into his lap where Eliott's hand still rests inches away from his. "It was pretty silly of me to think that he would still be here, so it's okay." He raises his face daring to see those gray eyes that under that light look like two green worlds. "He was accompanied."

"That's good."

Lucas nods slowly. "It is very good."

Agnés returned and took a seat next to Lucas, leaving a box next to the couch and what appeared to be a worn, navy blue hardcover book on both their laps.

The book turned out to be an album containing photographs of his grandfather, his father, some relatives and there was also a small one of Lucas. Almost impossible to recognize because of the years of wear and tear and also the physical changes. Eliott tried to take the picture and laughed when Lucas did everything possible to hide it, but in the end he gave up when Agnés laughed telling him to take _pity_ on the boy and let him see him at least once. And Eliott saw the photograph more than once.

There were also some newspaper cuts. The list of people called to war. Some important notes on politics, important events or even there was a bulletin about the presentation of a band in a bar in Paris that no longer exists.

They were big things, small things, simple things, complicated things, important things, or at least they were for his grandfather. And even for Lucas, who found it fascinating to hear the way Agnés talked about some of his relatives. And he might have been envious and even sad to think that a complete stranger knew more than he did, but no, he didn't feel any of that. Maybe at first, but then when he saw how lovingly she moved her hands when she told him a story or the way her eyes lit up when she talked about his grandfather. Lucas could only feel gratitude and a little bit of tranquility, amidst that storm of confused feelings, there was a little bit of serenity.

Something caught his attention quite a bit. A photograph of a house. A house that he had seen before, or that looked a bit like that painting for which he and Eliott risked their lives, literally.

"This..." Lucas points to the photograph.

She comes over to look at it more closely and leaves with a small pleased smile. "This is the house where they lived before. It's the one your grandfather built for your grandmother, and where you lived for a while."

"And is it still there?" Lucas asks without clearing his eyes. Fearing that, if he does, the image could disappear.

She nods slowly. "Yes, it still does. Now I don't know who it belongs to. Your father sold it before you left."

Hearing this, Lucas turns his face to meet the gaze of Agnés. She has a small smile on her lips, small, but that manages to reach deep into Lucas's chest.

"Their relationship was never easy." She starts talking. "I can't speak for your father or your grandfather, but you have to know that it wasn't easy for either of them. The man I met was not the same man your father grew up with. Your grandfather was very hard on him." She explains. "But like any older person, as the years go by, they get softer and realize their mistakes. And he wanted to change, and I've always had the idea that it's never too late to fix your mistakes, but for your father it already was."

He nods slowly, taking his lower lip between his teeth.

"I haven't asked you about him because I can see in your eyes that those were not happy times, and I doubt you want to talk about that." She continues. "We can do it another time, because I want to hear all about your life there."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me." Her hand covered his by giving him a little squeeze. "Your grandfather was partly a good friend of mine, and partly the grandfather of my children."

And that gratitude froze completely within him and just hung there. Like a fragile and delicate object, something he had to care for and treasure.

His grandfather was never alone, and no one ever felt alone by his side.

"I've seen this house before." Lucas says, looking back at the picture and letting his index finger slowly pass through the black lines on the walls.

"It is beautiful, isn't it?"

He sighs, letting out a short smile. "Yes, too much."

"I could write down the address for you to go see." She suggests quite happily.

"That would be amazing, thank you." Eliott thanks her with the same tone of kindness.

The three spent the rest of the afternoon talking in the living room. Agnés continued to tell stories about Lucas' grandfather, his mother and even his father. She also told him some memories - that Lucas no longer remembered and that he could never have imagined - about his childhood. At some point they moved into the dining room where Agnés offered them a delicious snack. The woman liked to feed them and make everyone feel comfortable, and soon Lucas did. He felt at home there, a house he had visited and occupied for a while, but that was so many years ago. And like a thin, blurry line drawn with a worn, old pencil, the line faded away until Lucas could clearly think that it must be home.

A roof. Walls. A piece of furniture that you had used years ago. A place that served as a hiding place and saw between its corners all the steps in life. And Lucas felt it. He felt that happiness of having connected with something that was his, even in his grandfather's absence, he found a piece of himself in that space of an old house in a village in France.

Eliott also shared some with Agnés. And Lucas was able to listen a little while his hands and eyes were busy among his grandfather's belongings. A watch with a worn-out strap. Some bottles of different types of beer that he collected. Vinyl records. Books with the stained cover and the yellow leaves. A wallet with some receipts from a grocery store. Construction tools. A set of small screwdrivers and a can of rusty nails. Everything Lucas found, he observed, touched and tried to find out what had made his grandfather treasure these objects.

And as soon as the day had begun, it ended too. After some goodbyes, smiles and promises, Lucas surprised himself by accepting in a good way and reciprocating Agnés' strong embrace in his arms. He said goodbye, but she denied as firmly as her hug, assuring him it was a later.

The two boys walked down the street in the opposite direction still waving their hand towards Agnés, and when they met at a safe distance Eliott wasted no time in taking Lucas' hand and sliding his fingers between theirs leaving them interlocked.

"Shall we go to the hotel?"

Eliott launches the question at the same time that Lucas dares to say what has been going on in his head for the last few hours.

"Can we go see the house?"

Lucas opens his mouth to tell him he can forget it, but as if Eliott could hear his next words. He steps forward, bringing his interlocking hands to his lips and leaving a short kiss.

"We can, yes." He looks at it through his long eyelashes. "I'd like to see the place where you grew up."

* * *

It has to be a dream; those were the first thoughts that crossed Lucas's mind when he saw it. It was too real. It was as if the painting they had seen in the hotel room had come to life and was in front of them. It wasn't exactly the same. There was no tree, no sign of a swing, and the windows weren't that big, but everything else was. The essence of the house that was painted was identical. The windows had wooden frames. The light colored walls along with the roof were made of wood. The garden filled with some roses along with its clean entrance.

Beautiful.

That's what this house was. Everything beautiful, family, homey, full of life ready to collect every second of its inhabitants and leave a nice memory in all of them.

It was the place where Lucas was born. The same place that saw him grow up for three years. These were days that could be counted, but to him they sounded so infinite and unattainable. He couldn't imagine a life there but he could see himself during those years.

This was all it was and it was amazing.

The sky was painted in the warmest shades. Orange, yellow and a little white between the edges of the clouds that left their way over the high roof of the world. Everything gave the house the illusion of being unreal. It was so difficult to describe, even the fact that he wanted to stand there and watch a house. A house that is made of the same bricks as a lot of other houses, but it was complicated to explain. How do you tell someone who has always had a home what he feels? It's like wanting to describe some color, any color, to a blind person.

Lucas feels Eliott leave a short kiss on his temple while he wraps his arm around his shoulders to attract him.

"We could live there." Eliott jokingly suggests.

Lucas leans his face to the side, moving away a little to see the boy's face. His eyebrow is raised upward with a small smile on his side. "Yes? Are you going to buy it for me?"

"Mh." Eliott bites his lower lip before releasing it to answer his question. "I couldn't get enough shifts at work to cover a quarter of that house, but I'll think of something."

He shakes his eyebrows a little, causing Lucas to laugh a little.

"With you it's all or nothing." Lucas asks in a funny tone, not letting his fingers play with his fingers hanging from his shoulder.

Eliott nods slowly and bends his face to one side until he leaves a kiss on one of Lucas' cheeks mumbling a short. "Yes."

Lucas closes his eyes for a few seconds enjoying these last hours of the afternoon. He wants to engrave on his skin this feeling of peace that is never enough. He can still feel the peaceful tide preparing in silence for some kind of storm that is coming inside him, but for now it is that. Just a prediction. Something so far away and unattainable that Lucas does not care to think about how his body is going to expel it. Not yet. Not when it can only be the two of them for a little longer.

* * *

The trip back to Paris was much shorter and mainly because Lucas took advantage of those hours to sleep. The night before, after returning to the hotel and staying up for a few hours, Lucas could not rest. Sleep was not the problem, his mind was. His eyes were closed all the time, but his head was spinning around non-stop. It was as if he could hear the voices inside him talking, discussing, planning, devising, and he could do nothing to quiet them. So, the next day, between the movement of the bus and the heat of noon, Lucas was attacked without warning by exhaustion and driven, finally, to the sleep that had become so necessary in his life.

With the return to Paris. The return to his reality after what he believed could mean that his mission was finished. A routine slowly crept in between the two of them. A routine that neither Lucas nor Eliott were aware of until it was too late.

Lucas remained in Eliott's apartment, neither of them discussed it.

Lucas woke up every morning next to Eliott with his arms and legs intertwined in a hug, neither of them talking about it.

Lucas would spend the rest of the day locked up in Eliott's room working on his thesis, feeding Brian after he volunteered to do or even sometimes accompanying Idriss when the boy had free time. Neither of them, or Idriss, seemed uncomfortable.

Lucas had seen his mother's calls, Eliott had asked if he would answer, but Lucas never said anything and Eliott ignored the sound of the cell phone.

Lucas waited for Eliott to return from his evening shifts to hear him talk about his day and to share a quick dinner on the kitchen island. Neither of them made any different plans.

Lucas would hug Eliott and rest his cheek on his chest as he listened to the rapid beating of his heart after they had sex. Some nights it could be fast and hard, and others it could be so slow and sweet.

And, again, none of them threw out the question that was dancing around them.

What is this?

Lucas stayed up late between the darkness of the cold room and the warm arms of Eliott. And he never told him. He never told him that he could hear that violent silence from the day they went to visit Agnés' house.

There were good days. Days when he received with great enthusiasm the notes that Eliott left him - some drawing of a raccoon and a hedgehog together, and yes, he was the hedgehog. He would send him some message thanking him and he would spend the rest of the day working until lunchtime approached, which forced him to go out to eat at some cheap and not so busy restaurant. The day was so good that sometimes he even brought some food for Eliott, who would receive it quite happily. He would accept any kind of attention from Lucas, who was so satisfied with himself that falling asleep was not impossible.

Those days were good, they were not so frequent, but Lucas knew how to take advantage of them.

The bad days, on the other hand, were his worst nightmare. Those mornings he didn't bother to read Eliott's notes properly or to capture every line of the drawing. That morning he sent Eliott a message, which took a lot of effort, as well as getting out of bed. The constant pangs of pain in the back of his head and the tiredness killed him inside preventing him from moving much from the bed and it was not until the numbers on the clock on the night table marked the time of Eliott's return, until that moment Lucas was forced to push himself and get ready for his arrival. His dinner was all his food for the day and sometimes it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted but other times it was hard to make sense of it. And the nights were the worst. His mind would sometimes play tricks on him. Pulling all the fibers of his body into a deep sleep or letting it waste away in insomnia until the early hours of the day.

Those were days that seemed like years to Lucas.

And Eliott asked him, he threw the question as his gray eyes screamed so much concern. That was the first time Lucas saw pity in his eyes. The first time he felt nauseous about himself, and also the first time he intentionally lied to Eliott.

The last time Eliott brought up the subject again.

The days, some weeks and less than a month passed. Neither of them ever spoke. But everything that is given easily, always easily goes away, right?

That was not a good day. If Lucas could classify it, he could surely label that date as one of the worst.

That morning he woke up alone in bed. There was no note beside the bed as Eliott sometimes left, no message either. He stayed in bed for a while trying his luck and trying to confuse his mind to give his body a break, but suddenly the sound of the apartment door made him open his eyes. He didn't move, hoping the person would give up and leave, but it didn't.

Three strokes. Four seconds for Lucas to get out of bed. Five to put on a shirt that rested on the desk. Eight seconds to walk to the door. One turn with the key and one turn on the handle. That was all the effort it took for Lucas to meet a tall girl with brown eyes and wavy hair.

The girl tells him something in French that makes Lucas' head spin a little, as she makes her way through the apartment's entrance walking to the end of the hall.

"Sorry." He begins to apologize with a half-smile that ends up coming out like a grimace. The pain in his head was killing him. "I don't speak French."

"Oh." She steps back with her eyes open.

"Who were you looking for?" Lucas asks him.

She wets her lips before answering him. "Eliott."

The girl turns her face to both sides as if she expected to find Eliott hidden in some of the furniture.

"I'm Lucille, sorry I didn't introduce myself." She approaches him by quickly shaking his hand with a wide smile that lights up his brown eyes. "Eliott's girlfriend."

Lucas feels his friendly smile slowly fading from his face until no trace remains. And as if he had just woken up from some dream, his body tingles in an unpleasant way at the same time that his heart or whatever is in his chest, anchors to a fine thread that pushes him down into deep waters full of ice that makes him freeze completely.

He opens his mouth, but closes it again, feeling that words do not reach his mouth and remain stuck in his throat like sharp blades that cut his breath.

The girl has a slight frown, and that's when Lucas realizes he has to say something. He can't just stand there forever.

What was he supposed to-

"And you are?" Lucille asks him, interrupting his thoughts that are swirling around like a hurricane in his head.

"Eliott didn't tell me he had a girlfriend." Lucas finally tells her and he bites the inside of his cheek hard when he realizes that his voice betrayed his lack of stability.

"Yes, we've been dating for years." Her frown turns deep into confusion.

"He told me it was done." He says quickly.

"No." She lets out a snort that has no trace of fun while crossing her arms in front of her chest. "He always does that. He has an episode, disappears and..." She stops to look at Lucas before she meets his eyes again, which have no sign of the light color he saw a few moments ago. "He leaves with the first thing he finds."

There was so much bitterness and heartburn in the way she had said those last words. Her jaw was clenched and her eyes pierced it like sharp spears through flesh.

Lucas blinks a little, taking his hand to the nearest wall and trying to hold on to something after a strong shudder made his stomach turn. Don't collapse. Not here. Not like this.

"Episode?" Lucas struggles to ask.

"Yes, episode." And Lucille must have understood his puzzled look, but she kept talking. "Eliott is bipolar."

The silence was present again. Stronger, more violent, more solid, colder, heavier. Lucas's ears stopped picking up any sound and his brain stopped processing whatever information Lucille was saying. He looks down and sees it in front of his eyes, the trembling of two drops of water ready to be poured out, but he stops them by blinking a little to dissipate them.

This is not the time.

"So whatever he said to you-"

"He didn't tell me anything." Lucas interrupts her without even raising his eyes.

"Good." He hears her breathe. It might sound like relief, and for a few seconds Lucas envied that feeling. "It's better this way… You should go."

No.

Lucas looked up to meet Lucille who looked much more confident.

"No." He expected to have at least half the security she had, but his body gave away his weakness. "I have to talk to him."

"Look, I don't know you and I can't speak for you, but I can speak for him. He always does _this_." She says that last sentence harshly as if it were burning her mouth to utter those words. "The only reason I am still here is because I love him and he loves me, but he always comes back to me."

She opens and closes her mouth and then gives way to a crooked smile that lacks any sense of fun.

"Whatever he'd told you or not, it's not real." Lucille lowers her gaze for a few moments before raising it, telling him. "You have to go. Save yourself this and go."

No. He can't leave without knowing why. Why didn't he tell me?

"He does not love you." And Lucas heard something distant. He heard the sound of something breaking, was it him? "This is just something he needs to get out of his system."

"Out of his system." Lucas repeats quietly.

Again the sound of something breaking inside him.

But as soon as the little sound came, quickly silence took its place again.

Five seconds to return to Eliott's room. Thirty seconds for Lucas to hear his own breathing over the silence. Fifteen seconds for Lucas to think he should stay. Twenty-five seconds for him to realize that he must leave.

He had to leave. What was he doing sitting there?

Seventeen days for Eliott to speak, but he never said anything. One lie had been good, but two? And deep down Lucas was angry, but not with Eliott but with himself for having believed this was right. For having thought that if he forgot his other life enough, maybe he could build another one.

And at some point the why didn't he tell me, became a why did you do this to yourself. Why did you fall in love? What made you believe that everything could be better?

Five seconds for Lucas to visualize that look of pity on Eliott's face. Why?

Fifty-three seconds for him to take whatever was his and put it in a suitcase. How could you?

Ten seconds for him to take off his clothes and find something that didn't smell like Eliott.

Something he needs to get out of his system.

Three seconds in which he heard his inner self telling him he could try, but he ignored it. It was the same voice that had let him get his hopes up and give his heart with his eyes closed.

Eliott's girlfriend.

He made the trip to the door in less time and closed the door quickly before rushing down the stairs as fast as his legs would allow. As if in this way it was less painful to feel the way his soul was torn apart at every step and the voice was becoming more impossible to hear.

Everything around him remained the same. The same streets he had walked a million times before. The same people passing by him, accompanied or alone, talking or losing their own thoughts. The same sky Lucas had seen shining all those days. The same city he had come to with fear, anxiety, excitement and anticipation. But he was no longer the same. He didn't feel like he had to stay there any longer. He felt like a complete intruder, a phony.

Lucas walked around with his cell phone in one hand and his suitcase in the other. He walked, and walked, stopped when he should have and kept walking without paying attention to signs or the streets. They were all the same, big, narrow, long, short, a store, a house, a sign, a stop, everything was the same. And when he finally found himself at the end of a dead-end block, he felt like laughing. He had spent so much time memorizing directions to prove to Eliott that he was never going to get lost and now he was.

He was more lost than before.

He waited on a corner until he could catch a cab. And when the man asked him where he was going, Lucas was tempted to unlock his cell phone screen and look for the address of Eliott's apartment, but he stopped in time to tell him to take him to the nearest airport.

Twenty-six minutes for him to arrive at the airport. Thirty-two minutes for him to be attended to. Three minutes for him to be checked out. One hour for him to board his flight.

An hour that was a torture for Lucas.

One hour where his head was spinning around. At first he denied it, thinking it was some kind of sick joke, but then his mind began to evaluate everything Eliott had done with him during all that time. It couldn't be true, could it?

Five minutes waiting for Eliott to write to him. Two minutes writing and deleting a message. Ten seconds he got up from his seat ready to run out and ask for an explanation. Two seconds in which he dismissed that idea.

I don't want to lose you.

Please don't do this to me. Lucas pleads silently with his face hidden in his hands.

Please come. Please come and I will listen to you. I promise I will believe you. I promise I will forget everything.

Forty-one seconds looking at the entrance to the waiting room. Two seconds for him to think what an idiot he is.

Lucas no longer counted how many steps he took to the plane. He did not listen to the flight attendant's instructions. He didn't mind being crushed against the window by a woman with a child who couldn't have been more than seven years old. Nor did he run away, even though his mind was screaming that he was going to regret this. He just closed his eyes asking him to stop.

And he would have wished he had never opened it. Never to have seen through the glass. The silence dissipated as he felt as if his chest had been opened to raw flesh leaving him completely empty. The sharp pain in his bowels along with the volcano of repressed emotions exploded before him. And for the first time in days Lucas cried.

He cried silently and quietly with his face hidden between the palms of his hands and his lower lip caught tightly between his teeth wanting to feel more than that sharp pain where his chest is. A pain that took his breath away, slowly tearing him apart in a way that Lucas had never felt before. It was like dying, but it was still there, with each breath more difficult to take.

Lucas wanted to disappear. To stop existing at that moment and avoid facing reality. His fear, his sadness, his loss, his betrayal, his confusion, his shame. And above all with his own hate.

The taste of blood filled his mouth as he managed to get his cell phone out of his pocket with one hand, and with the little strength he had left in his body - which continued to shake as if the temperature had dropped to lower degrees - and without stopping to think about it, he sent a message.

**Eliott**

**10:24**

I don't want to know anything about you.

**You have blocked this contact.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know you probably hate me right now and don't worry because I hate myself too much. You have no idea what it took for me to write this chapter and not because I didn't have the inspiration but because I _didn't want_ to write it. Every time I had to sit down I was always looking for some excuse not to write and it was because I wasn't mentally ready for this. Which is funny because in Moon River, my previous fic, I never had that obstacle because I knew from the first moment that that story was going to be full of angsty, but with this fic it wasn't. Here we had little spoonfuls of angsty but in the end there was always Eliott making Lucas feel better. And here, Lucas wants Eliott to save him from that nightmare, but as you know it doesn't work that way. 😔
> 
> I also wanted to counter that I had other plans for the story of Lucas' grandfather - I would have loved for them to have met, but in doing so, Lucas would have acted differently and the whole story would have deviated from the central point. So I'm sorry about that too. 
> 
> This is so full of sorry. So as always you are welcome to leave a comment and thanks again for every kudo, message, take the time to read the story and see you next Saturday.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The warning in this chapter is that there is going to be some angst but don't worry, it's not much. Everything will be fine.

The sound of the apartment door made Lucas open his eyes. It took him more effort than he should have been able to do that, but he figured it must have been like that if he had spent more than two days - he wasn't even sure if that was the right number of days - locked in his room without crossing one foot outside those four walls.

Is it Harve? Lucas wonders as he runs his hand through his messy hair.

He arrived at the apartment after his nine-hour flight a few days ago, and it wasn't as if he was magically expecting Harve to be at his apartment waiting to comfort him, but neither did he expect to find that obvious absence. Everything was desolate, cold, forgotten, just as they had left it before they go to their trip. It was pretty clear that Harve hadn't been there for months, not since they both took the trip to Europe.

Harve. One name. One person. One friend. A brother he had kept present in his thoughts and words all that time, but now it sounded like an invention of his head. Someone unknown.

Lucas gets out of bed slowly feeling his body bend and his bones protest in pain. He makes every effort to leave the room and walk down the long hallway to the room where some sounds are coming from.

It's okay, Lucas says to himself, if it is a thief or whoever it is, it's okay.

But of all the people he expected to meet, in front of him was the last one who had crossed his mind.

"Mom?" Lucas leans against the corner of the wall, leaning his face to look at the woman a few feet away.

His mother looks up from her cell phone, her brown eyes wide open and her lips half open. "Lucas-" She gets up from the chair and takes a step towards him.

"What are you doing here?" Lucas swallows slowly, placing his arms crossed over his chest.

Her eyebrows join in a slight frown full of consternation and concern. Full of so many questions and so many words that she surely rehearsed carefully before introducing herself to him.

"I was worried about you."

I was. She was. Lucas was not surprised that there was a singular there. She had always been his mother.

"I know."

She takes another step towards him and Lucas notices how she is clenching her jaw. She is not angry with him; she is angry with herself.

"You didn't answer my calls."

Lucas sighs, nodding slowly. "I know."

"I thought something had happened to you." She says firmly but her lip is trembling. Even in the distance Lucas can see her clearly. She is controlling herself. She is controlling her anger and also her sadness.

Lucas looks down for a few seconds at the bottom of his wrinkled shirt and the corners of his pants that cover most of his feet. When was the last time he worried about his appearance? God, he must have looked so bad.

"Sorry." Lucas apologizes by raising his face to meet his mother. His gaze is still fierce, but deep down there is a glow full of restlessness. It is not enough. "I didn't want to worry you, just" he slowly denies "I didn't know what to say."

"Then we have to do it." His mother says to him.

She bows her face. Her lips are painted a red that highlights her pale skin and makes her light brown eyes look fiercer and alive in the distance, but her soft face with the fine and smooth lines that make complete contrast giving her a younger and more peaceful look.

"Go take a bath, change and we'll go eat." She suggests. "Okay?"

He nods again before turning around and heading to the bathroom to do what his mother just told him to do.

"Lucas." Her voice stops him turning his face to the side.

From the corner of his eye he visualizes the figure of his mother who finishes taking the last steps to where he is and soon her two hands are on either side of his face as he feels her deposit a tender kiss on the top of his forehead. Lucas cannot help closing his eyes and inhaling that scent of lilies. That scent he could smell in the garden of his house and that would be able to transport him to the calmest and happiest memories of his childhood.

His mother, a much taller woman than him, and her husband, who has the ability to look even better in heels. She gives him a little smile on one corner of her lip that forces Lucas to swallow his desire to cry in front of her.

You can cry some other time. You can do it like you have been doing every day, but not in front of her. Don't do this to her.

Instead, Lucas gives her back the little smile he can't feel. It only makes his chest feel heavy over his tickle and his throat burns a little more.

"I missed you, Mom." He tells her in all his sincerity, which causes the smile on her face to spread a little further.

"Me too, baby." His hands go down to rest on his shoulders. "Now go take a bath. I want to hold you, but I can't with that smell."

Lucas lets out a snort that was meant to be a laugh. It's the first time in days or even weeks that he wanted to laugh at something so silly. The tears were still stuck with the desire to fall like a waterfall, but it became secondary. Something completely vague when all he could see was that loving expression from his mother.

The mother who had chosen him as her son. And he had agreed to be hers.

* * *

"McDonald's?" Lucas asks his mother as they both walk to the entrance of the fast food restaurant after a yellow cab dropped them off a block away from their destination.

"Of course." His mother says to him with a smile on her lips. "I thought you might have missed the food from here."

Lucas rolls his eyes, walking with her to the short line. "There are also McDonald's where I went."

"Go get a table." Her eyes are fixed on the large menus that stretch out in front of them. "I'll ask you for what you want. Big fries included."

Lucas smiles again, biting his lower lip, and with his hands hidden in his sweater pockets he walks to one of two hidden tables at the back, almost at the entrance, but a little further away so that no one can disturb them.

The place was not so crowded because of the unusual time that people were eating. And Lucas wondered when he had last come to eat at a fast food restaurant or the last time he ate with his mother. He tried to visit her regularly - once or twice a month - but they were always quick encounters. Guilt began to creep into his body as he realized how badly the whole scene was presenting itself.

A son who does not visit the mother who gave him a roof over his head. The same child who avoids her calls or runs away at the first sign of alert. The lies he has been telling her all this time.

All that guilt grew little by little like a snowball sliding down the high hill inside him until it consumed his whole body in a cold shiver that scratched his insides. That was all Lucas had been feeling since he returned. He had been feeling all kinds of pain, from the hole in the void to the nausea of revulsion.

From a distance, Lucas saw his mother advance with a tray of food to where he was sitting. His mother, who was two years away from turning mid-century. The woman with bright brown hair with many neat, unkempt curls that somehow managed to look all meticulously placed in place, light skin, red lips, thin nose, and arms as long as her height. A woman who in her youth stole as many hearts as the elegance and sympathy she now gives to many more.

Even with age she always managed to look younger, fuller of life, and at times could become contagious. Only sometimes.

The silence between them was a complete torture for Lucas who could feel how every second they sat there, he was shrinking more and more hoping that at some point the chair would swallow him up and the earth would make his existence disappear once and for all.

"I lied to you." Lucas confesses to her. "I wasn't in Spain, or yes, I was, but I- I was in Paris."

"I know." It was his mother's turn to say those words, making Lucas look up from his hands to meet hers.

"How?" Lucas begins to ask, but he himself is interrupted when he realizes that this is not important, this is not where he wants to direct the conversation. "I'm sorry, mom, I shouldn't have lied to you."

"Honey..."

"I don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for everything you did. I am and very much so." Lucas keeps talking and can't stop. It's as if his body is pushing everything out of control. A form of detoxification he needed. "I love you y'all so much and you're my family, but I had to try."

"Lucas, don't apologize." His mother holds her eyebrows together again and comes a little closer to him, extending her hand until it touches his. "You owe us absolutely nothing."

"But-"

"Nothing." His mother says firmly, silencing any protest he might make.

But he failed them. It was like that, it felt like that, didn't it? As if you gave all your love, your attention, your care to an animal that then runs out into the street at the first opportunity. The family that received him and gave him everything, he just turned his back on them.

"You can't put us on a scale and decide who you owe your love or loyalty to. The world doesn't work that way." The touch of his mother's hand was firm but also gentle. It was a: Look at me and I want you to understand what I'm saying, but it was also a: It's for your own good, you may not see it now, but it is. "I know that you love us too much and also that you will always believe that you owe us an eternal debt for what we did for you, but it's not like that. Honey, you don't have to feel guilty about looking for your family. And in part I apologize for that, that feeling is my fault."

Lucas opens his mouth, but closes it again as he feels a scowl on his forehead. "Why do you say that?"

"I thought if I kept you away from that part of your life, I would somehow make all the bad things that had happened to you disappear." She explains by slowly nodding her head. "It was my mistake. I never meant for you to feel that you had to stop loving your family."

"Mom, it's not like that." Lucas tries to tell her, but she looks down at their hands that were held together in front of them.

"But it's the feeling I generated in you, Lucas." She bends one of the corners of her lip. "And it's partly my fault, I made you choose and it's not right. You have a very big heart where we all fit perfectly there." She raises her eyes in a weak half smile that Lucas reciprocates in the same way.

"I'm sorry I lied to you." Lucas apologizes again.

She gives him a little squeeze on his hand before responding. "It's okay. They say that if children don't have the confidence to talk to their parents about something, it's because you as a parent haven't done something right."

"Mom." Lucas tells her in a serious tone of voice that he intends to be a scold, but she doesn't get it.

"Gabriel was the quietest child you could imagine. When I was in my hospital room I would hear some baby crying and ask the nurse if it was mine, and it was never him. Until one of them told me, 'Ma'am, your baby is the only one who doesn't bother.' And she said it in a very surprised way, which made me feel like the luckiest mother of all. And he was always like that. I even thought that all those mothers had lied when they said that motherhood was difficult. It was either that or I had won the lottery."

Lucas laughs a little when he notices his mother's big smile. Her eyes glow with happiness as she talks about her first child. It was wonderful how even when the person is gone, it is still able to produce all those emotions.

"And I continued to feel the luckiest woman even when things started to get complicated." From the corners of her eyes Lucas could see the tears building up and that only made him squeeze his mother's hand more.

Here he is with her. He is listening to her.

"I felt this way because of all those children who were born on the same day or even at the same time as Gabriel. It was my turn to be his mother." She continued to tell him with a short smile on her lips along with a small tear that fell on one side of her face. There was no longer any sadness there. There was much happiness there. "I had the privilege of knowing him, taking care of him, watching him grow and having him by my side for eight years."

She moves one of her hands away, carrying it to her face, cleaning with her fingers the trail of salt water that the tear left behind. Her mother sighs with a smile hidden in her lips a little before continuing to speak.

"And when my luck had run out, you came along." She bows her face without clearing her brown eyes of Lucas' blues.

He could feel the lump in his throat getting heavier and the tears in his eyes getting harder and harder to hold back. He closed his eyes, letting them, like those of his mother, slide down his face.

"That can't be possible."

"Hey, Lucas." His mother moves her hands to get his attention, forcing Lucas to open his eyes to meet hers. "You are the best thing that could have happened to us. Whether you want to believe it or not. Everything that happened was destined to happen and there is nothing that can change. You are my son. And I thanked life and your mother for giving me the privilege of being your mother too."

Lucas runs his fingers across his face wiping the tears that fall from his eyes like raindrops. He could feel how his mother had managed to take the last thread of his shame and pull it out until he unraveled it.

"Thank you." Lucas thanks her quietly.

"You don't have to thank me, honey." She gives him one of those smiles that Lucas knew by heart. That smile that said, 'It's going to be okay, I promise.' And Lucas believed it for a few moments. "Now we're going to eat because it looks like we both need to."

Lucas slowly nods, unwrapping one of the burgers that was resting on the tray next to him. The first bite was enough for him to sigh and close his eyes a bit as he felt the combination of bread, cheese, ketchup and meat in his mouth.

"How did you know where I was?" He finally asks her after his second bite.

His mother takes the soda bottle hiding a small pleased smile that makes him raise his eyebrow waiting for her answer.

"The debit cards." She finally confesses.

"What?"

She hums as she finishes taking a drink to her soda. "You know. That blue rectangular thing you use to buy or go anywhere you want." She teases him with sarcasm.

"But-" Lucas feels his frown growing more and more. "But there is no security that protects people from having access to that information?"

His mother shrugs her shoulders. "You forget that I am your mother. It wasn't that hard to guess the name of your first pet."

Lucas rolls his eyes again. "It was the only thing I could think of. It was either that or my boyfriend's first name." He raises his finger and gives her a threatening look that she knew how to avoid. "You couldn't have guessed that one."

She lets out a half chuckle. "Of course not, if you've never had a boyfriend."

She laughs at her own comment, causing Lucas to make a painful moan and close his eyes by tilting his head to the sky and asking whoever is up there to send him some patience. Just a little.

The rest of the breakfast/lunch was passed without any problem. Lucas continued to talk to his mother about his thesis. His mother told him about what she and his father had been doing all this time, and even told him about the news she had had from Harve. Lucas also talked to his mother about his trip to Paris, the places he had visited, and what he found out about his family, all of which he did by avoiding pronouncing Eliott's name at all costs.

He couldn't say that name. Not yet.

It sounded very private and also alien to him in some way. It was a little hard to ignore at first, but then Lucas concentrated on something else like his mother's laughter, her eyes opening occasionally along with her raised eyebrows in surprise. The questions she asked him or his laughter when he told her what hygiene was like in the 18th century.

And finally his mother told him that she had noticed that he had lost weight. Lucas didn't expect those words, he wasn't ready and he wasn't quick enough to make up an excuse, and his mother wouldn't let him either. After a few comings and goings, he promised his mother that he would take better care of himself. Lucas could say it was the look of worry and pain his mother was giving him, but it was mostly because he was tired.

Tired of feeling bad. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of his body feeling outside of itself or that many times he couldn't recognize himself in his own skin. He was tired, and if he wouldn't do that for himself then he would do it for his mother.

* * *

Lucas returned to his normal life, or so he tried to do. He did his best to continue that routine he had in New York before making the trip. Before everything turned upside down and changed completely, but part of Lucas remembered that this was not him. That person who had done all those things, tasted food, met people, visited places, that was someone else and it wasn't him. It felt like that story belonged to someone else other than him.

Everything was going well. He slept, ate, slept at night much better after he made the decision to start taking the sleeping pills he had kept hidden away in a drawer in his bedroom. He had returned to college after the vacations were over and was visiting his thesis advisor when he was caught off guard again.

He was sitting on one of the campus benches with his head almost buried in his backpack as he desperately searched for his student pass card, but what he found took his breath away and left him frozen for a few seconds.

Among his fingers was the white bear keyring that he had bought in the souvenir store of the Musée d'Orsay. The texture was still smooth in some parts of the face and rough in the fur details that gave some prominence to the small sculpture. It felt unreal in his hand as if it were an object that only lived in his dreams and that having it there, in front of him, was a complete figment of his imagination.

How did this get here?

Lucas was not sure of that. Deep down he had hoped that any memory of Paris had disappeared from the earth, burned, forgotten, eliminated without any trace of its existence. Which was impossible and he quickly realized that it was after he came across one of Eliott's shirts during his first attempt to unpack his suitcase. It took him about three days to dare to reopen that suitcase with his pulse racing because he couldn't find anything of Eliott's - which, deep down, and even without accepting it, he was wishing he could find and hold on to that piece of Eliott's presence in this new world.

The rest of the day his trouser pocket felt like a burn on the fabric. He tried to ignore that feeling, but he couldn't. Not when something so small that it couldn't be more than two inches long was making it impossible for him to concentrate. And it would have been so easy to have left the figure on any surface or thrown it in the first trash can on his way home, but just like the shirt, Lucas couldn't. He couldn't do that. So he decided to do something else instead.

He took the train that was taking him in the opposite direction from his apartment. He walked the streets he had always avoided. He arrived at the brown building that had never brought him any good memories. He got on the elevator that would take him to the area that always gave him a nauseous feeling. He approached a woman who only used to see his face once, and hopefully twice, a year.

Melanie was wearing her nurse's uniform as neatly as Lucas remembers seeing her from the first day he met her. Her straight hair gathered in a high ponytail that didn't leave a single unruly hair in sight. Her two hands in fists rested on either side of her hips and her foot was tilted slightly to the right, a posture that Lucas could interpret as unfriendly. In front of her were three other nurses who by the expression on their faces could confirm his theory.

Melanie was not happy with them.

"If she tells you that she has already eaten, don't believe her. The woman is always delirious and it can make her gastritis problem worse and believe me you don't want to deal with that." She was pointing out to the girls in a voice that sounded as firm as a mother's warning her children before any disobedience. "The next time I find out; I'm sending you to the ambulance with Mrs. Morgan."

One of the nurses lets out a whimper.

"Ma'am, you need to stop threatening your employees." Lucas tells her by imitating her seriousness. "These are not ways."

Melanie spins around in front of him. The hard lines of expression soften as she realizes his presence and her hands fall to one side breaking into a huge smile from ear to ear.

"God, it's got to be some kind of joke." She says to herself.

“What?” Lucas asks her, but she ignores him by continuing to talk to herself.

"This is some kind of simulation, isn't it?" She moves her eyes looking at the ceiling and everywhere. Lucas turns his eyes in response realizing the exaggerated scene she is doing. "Did I fall asleep at work again?"

"Stop." Lucas said to her.

She shakes her head with a snap of her mouth. "Of all the dreams I could have had, you had to show up."

Lucas laughs, raising his hands up in front of her. "Stop, you're not dreaming."

"Impossible."

"I told you I was coming here."

"I thought you were joking."

"No." Lucas sighs as he puts his hands down. "I was serious."

Melanie gives him an inquisitive look, still suspicious of his words, and without warning extends her hand until she gives Lucas a little pinch on his arm that makes the boy step backwards after releasing a gasp of surprise.

"Why was that?" He asks her with a scowl as he strokes his skin with his hand trying to relieve the sudden pain.

"I needed to make sure this was real." She makes her point.

"Aren't you supposed to do that with your own arm?"

She shrugs her shoulders in response. "What's the difference?" Her mouth is raised in a smile. Suddenly, some nurses, who, to the surprise of both of them, were still standing behind Melanie watching the whole show in silence, cleared their throats, calling the woman's attention.

"Can we go?" One of her, the black-haired girl, asks.

"Yes, but it's not over with you yet." She cautions the three of you before vaguely moving her hand to tell you to leave. "Go finish the rooms."

Again, the girl who had complained earlier did so before turning on her feet with her other companions heading down the long hallway until each one of them separated entering a different room.

"You know, I don't know anything about laws, but I'm pretty sure what you do with them can be illegal."

"What? Put them to work?" She guesses with her eyebrows raised in expectation of some answer to her obvious sarcastic question.

"No, threaten them daily and now put their lives in danger." Lucas says to her with a half-smile. "All it takes is a lawsuit and a lawyer."

She lets out a puff with a short ha. "Let them dare to do it and they will see."

Lucas rolls his eyes without being able to avoid it, something he does quite often when he is in Melanie's presence. A woman who could look much older than she is, but Lucas had guessed that it was because of her profession. Being surrounded by so many problems, situations or people that are out of her control and not being able to do anything else to ease the burden, the pain of it all must have been exhausting. At forty-three years of age, she was one of the women Lucas had seen who could impart so much fear and hardness but at the same time be sweet, loving, with a soft heart full of both compassion and empathy for others. He had known her for twelve years and even though he didn't go to see her as much as she asked, they would talk and build a good friendship that could sometimes be based on calls in the middle of the day with some bad news such as spontaneous visits where Melanie would stay for about five minutes complaining about some nurse who decided to ask for last minute permission and she would have to find someone to cover the shift.

"How was it?" She finally asks him after circling the cubicle and taking a seat in one of the chairs. Lucas shrugs his shoulders and rests his elbows on the table.

"Good, I guess."

She raises her eyebrows in surprise at Lucas's words. "Just _good_? You went all over Europe, I don't know how your life works, but in mine those things are not taken lightly".

Lucas laughs at the indignant tone of voice with which Melanie threw the commentary away. "It was very _good_. A unique experience. It changed my life. I'll never be the same after tasting French bread and butter."

"Better." She gives him a sideways smile. "As much as I'd like to think you needed to see me, Lucas, I guess you came for another reason."

He nods slowly. "How is she?"

Melanie's smile becomes soft as she moves her head a little to the side of the aisle and meets Lucas' eyes again.

"Much better." She tells him with all the honesty he can detect. "Today has been a very good day for her. She has been eating, sleeping and sharing with everyone. She's in the best condition and hopefully will stay that way for a time."

"That's good." All the weight Lucas had been feeling in his chest fell a little bit. "Can I go see her?"

"Of course you do." She responds with quite a bit of enthusiasm. "She will be very happy to see you."

He begins to make his way to his mother's room. He would like to say that he knows it well, but he would be lying, but at least during all that time she has always stayed in the same room since she entered the clinic about seventeen years ago.

"Lucas." Melanie's voice calls him.

He turns his face around waiting for her to say whatever it is that forced him to stop his journey. "Don't think I forgot about my present." Her eyebrow is raised expectantly.

Lucas can't help but squint his eyes and curl his lips to one side in what he might expect to be a smile as tight as a pretend one.

Melanie's jaw falls into an expression of surprise. "You forgot."

Lucas begins to walk backwards, continuing his journey down the aisle. "There wasn't anything incredible enough for you."

She lets out a loud gasp and her mouth opens wider at the same time as her eyes. "I told you not to come here without a present."

"Sorry, I can't hear you." He holds his hand up to his ear, tilting it in her direction, while continuing to walk away from her. "I'm losing the signal."

"Lucas." She tells him in a tone that sounds very much like a threat.

"What?"

"Lucas Lallemant." He can see how she is clenching her jaw tightly.

Lucas arrives at the door moving his hand in the air as a farewell gesture. "We'll talk about it later."

"You better never get out of there for your own good!"

That's all Lucas manages to hear before closing the door behind him and stopping his laugh from coming down when he meets another woman across the room. One with straight blonde hair who is perfectly combed and whose body is turned to one side of the window from where a little bit of the day's sun still comes out. She is holding a book in her hands and her face turns towards it as the sound of the door slowly closes.

"Lucas." From her lips appears a smile that gets bigger as he approaches her by taking a seat in one of the continuous chairs and drops his backpack on the floor.

"Hi, Mom." He greets her with a short smile. His hands rest on his lap without the slightest idea of what to do with it, what to say or how to act.

He was finding it difficult to remember how he had done it all the past times, how had he managed to keep it from being uncomfortable? But the truth was that all those times had been vague, quick moments, an exchange of short phrases by Lucas and bright looks by his mother where she filled the void with simple conversation. But his mother never seemed to mind taking the lead in the conversation; on the contrary, she seemed happy to talk and be heard.

"I didn't expect your visit." She says sweetly. One of her fingers rests between the pages of her closed book and her elbow rests on the rest of the yellow chair.

Lucas swallows slowly denying. "No, I hadn't had time to come and see you." Technically it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't entirely true either. "But here I am."

"You are always welcome here, and you know it." She comes a little closer, holding her hand up to Lucas' cheek. Her skin is stubborn, warm, like a soft blanket that could easily put him to sleep in seconds. Lucas leans in next to the contact making his mother smile more. "I missed you too much."

"And I to you." Lucas confesses by trying again the heavy pin nest that is installed at the end of his throat. He didn't realize how difficult it would be.

"Where have you been?" She asked him by lowering her hand, the heat disappeared and made Lucas fall back into the real world.

Lucas takes a deep breath trying to fill his lungs with enough air so that courage can materialize inside him and he is able to be honest.

"I went to Paris." He finally answers her. "I went to look for Hugo. To Grandpa."

Lucas had been expecting some kind of surprise, some expression of doubt or intrigue from his mother, but he received none of that. On the contrary, his mother's smile rose up, letting it shine all over his face.

"And how is he?"

He lowers his gaze to his hands, wetting his lips, before daring to raise his gaze to meet his mother's blue eyes. Those same eyes the color of the sky, that sky they both shared and that Lucas could see through the mirror when he concentrated on them.

"He passed away." His mother's smile fell a little when she heard those words and for a second Lucas feared that she might fall apart in front of him, but she did not, her eyes were still shining, but now she had that deep, thoughtful look.

Lost in thought, was what Lucas used to tell himself every time his mother lost her sight for a few seconds.

"About eight years ago. Apparently he was a little sick, but that was normal for his age." Lucas explains to his mother, bringing her back to reality. She focuses her eyes on him again now paying full attention to what he says. "But he was accompanied, Agnés was with him the whole time."

"Agnés, yes, I remember her." She says with a small dreamy smile. "A very good woman."

Lucas nods in agreement with her. "I also visited the house where we live."

She laughs low, denying. "And what color is it?"

Lucas frowned, smiling a little at his mother's unusual question. "It's like a clear blue, I think, why?"

"Oh, how nice." She laughs again. "I'm glad they took away that awful mustard color."

"Was it yellow?" Lucas asks in surprise; to which she slowly nods.

"Yes, your grandfather insisted on keeping that color because it was your grandmother's favorite, but nobody liked it." She sighs, still keeping her smile on her lips. "Only your father dared to say so, but he said no, well, it was a forever discussion."

Lucas laughs at his mother's story and then lets the smile fall as he puts his mind back in order.

"Mom, why didn't you ever tell me about Grandpa or our life there?" Lucas finally dared to ask, letting the words spill out before he had a chance to think about it, analyze it, move it, cross it out, and he ended up saving it for himself.

His mother releases the air that she had been holding in her lungs and then turns around leaving the book resting on the table, to return to its original position with her body toward Lucas.

"My life in Paris was not always good. I don't come from a rich family and no, I'm not saying that money brings happiness, but it wasn't easy. I never told you about my family because the truth is that I never saw those people as my family. I am the youngest of five siblings." She laughs a little when she sees Lucas' surprised expression. "I have four brothers and sisters out there in the world, but I was never close to them. Not even my parents. I believe that respect and affection in the family must be earned, and they never had it."

She pauses for a moment giving Lucas time to process all that information and her time to find the right words to express all that she had kept secret for so long.

"And when I met your father, I thought he could be my family and when we moved to Moselle I was happy to leave everything behind." She has a smile that Lucas identified as nostalgic. The pain in his chest intensified as he realized that this must be difficult for her mother. And Lucas had a thought that he hadn't had in years, _I wish I could erase your pain._ "Your grandfather was the father I never had but always needed, but he was not for your father. He tried, but your dad couldn't. It felt like there was a wall around him and no matter how hard your grandfather tried, it just got bigger and bigger and more exhausting for him."

Lucas nods slowly indicating that he understands, and she continues to speak.

"My life in Moselle was good but not good enough. And the same thing happened again as before. Your father told me that we were going to America and I thought that was what I needed, to leave everything behind. A new beginning for your father and me, and I thought that here I could magically leave everything behind, be someone different and give you a good home." Lucas can see how she looks down, avoiding the reality of her next words. "And I tried, but I failed, Lucas, I couldn't do it."

"Mom." Lucas slowly calls her. "It's not your fault."

She slowly nods, lifting her wet gaze with a few tears on the top of her lower eyelids. Drops that look like crystals about to break against her lap.

"I never apologized for everything I did to you."

He refuses by approaching his mother and extending his hand to her face, silently giving permission to his pain to fall on his face.

"You don't have to. It wasn't your fault." He assured her in all sincerity that he was feeling at that moment.

"I should have tried a little harder."

"I should be more for you too." All the regret was solidifying in every fiber of his bones. "I'm sorry."

"We shouldn't have left." His mother confesses to him while Lucas finishes drying some fresh tears that fall down his soft cheeks.

Lucas slowly denies trying to give her the best reassuring smile. "It's okay, mom, I found a home here too."

And he wasn't lying. Even in the hard days he had in his childhood. Even in those dark memories, if there was one thing he was grateful for, it was that he was lucky enough to meet Harve and his parents. A luck that not many people have, and he was quite lucky - as his mother would say - to have found a family and to have built a life. If there was one thing he didn't regret, it was having the opportunity to grow up in a home, with food, education and enough love. The love of a mother and a brother, and even in the distance, the love of a grandfather.

"I'm glad something good came out of it all." His mother tilts her face with a weak-sided smile that Lucas reciprocates.

"Yes." He nods slowly in agreement with her. "But I will never forgive you for never speaking to me in French a little bit, do you know how difficult that was?"

He jokes, causing his mother to let out a loud laugh that forces her to bring her hand to her mouth, covering her laugh. And for the first time in a long time Lucas hears his mother say something in French that makes him gasp painfully.

"No, I can't stand one more word in French."

She laughs again, resting her hand on Lucas's shoulder and pushing him until his head falls onto her mother's shoulder. Lucas's smile remained on his face for a long time.

"I want to hear all about that trip." She asks him to slowly caress his back with the palm of her hand. "Everything. Every detail."

And Lucas dared to be real. It wasn't the way he expected to come out with his mother, but she didn't freeze, she didn't yell at him, she didn't deny him, she simply left a kiss in his hair causing Lucas to release a sigh of relief that he had been holding in his heart. And after that it was as if the pandora's box had been opened and there was no turning back.

Lucas spoke to her, above all. He didn't leave out any names, any place, food, street, experience, maybe some details, but he realized that if he wanted his relationship with his mother to work he had to start being honest and he had to start talking about what happened. About Eliott. It sounded so strange to say that name out loud, the feeling that ran through his body, his mother's arm tightening its grip, his voice struggling to hold on. It was difficult, but it felt good. It felt good to share something so real and alive with his mother.

* * *

The next few weeks after that were a whirlwind in Lucas's head. Yes, he had been relieved to talk to his mother, but that feeling didn't last long when the arrival of someone who took him by surprise and came to change some things. Lucas had seen him once when he had just returned from college and all his clothes smelled of smoke, public transportation and even sweat.

Harve's shoes rested on the side of the door.

And after that Lucas did everything possible to avoid it. He spent the rest of his days locked up in his room and when he was forced to get up the courage to go out and look for food, he tried to do so when he was not around. Cowardly, wasn't he? Sad, too. But it was impossible to avoid it, it was a difficult mission to carry out so Lucas decided to crawl back to his old habits. A very bad idea, too bad when the first night it took him no more than three beers and a half hour to find the first public phone and dial his cell number, for a moment he hated himself so much for knowing it by heart, and he waited, he waited, in all that time he didn't know what he was going to say and was almost relieved when it went to voicemail. He almost hung up and ran out, but he stood there on one of the corners of the street with his foot jumping and his heavy tears streaming down his cheeks so easily.

"God, could it be any more of a cliché? I just really hope this is your number because I'm going to say a lot of things and feel so angry if anyone else hears it." Lucas slowly swallows, running his hand across his cheek trying to dry the lake of tears that spill down his neck. "I was not like that. I was a lonely person and you know what? It's okay like that. I wasn't the happiest human being on earth, but it was okay, I didn't mind. But you came to me and you changed that, I became someone completely different and... I loved it. I loved what I was when I was by your side... What-" Lucas takes a breath before continuing. "I didn't realize how much I needed you until you were gone. I know this relationship had no future from the beginning, but I just wish you were here by my side to tell me that everything is going to be okay. _I need you._ " Lucas tightens his grip on the phone by closing his eyes and whispering that last part. "I need you so much that it hurts. Eliott, it's so hard for me to continue... How pathetic is that? I never imagined myself to be that guy who calls crying in the middle of the night, but I can't do it anymore. I can't stand this pain that is going to end me. I just wish you were here. Is it too much to ask just that?"

Lucas did everything he could to erase that memory from his head. He continued to avoid Harve, but it was still difficult when the two of them shared an apartment the size of a shoebox so Lucas kept going out from time to time, he did it when he was so bored and when the tiredness wasn't enough that even he knew no sleeping pills would be enough to make him sleep.

And that's how it happened again, but this time he didn't take more than two drinks to crawl onto the dance floor and try to forget everything that was going on inside. It had worked before, and it still did. It still managed to get him out of himself and provide him with that release. And he was in the sea of people when he felt too hot to continue, the first mistake of the night. He asked the bartender for a beer when his eyes dare to observe what was happening around him, second mistake. His gaze saw something that caught his attention, something he had seen so many times and he was going to look away, but he couldn't, third mistake. And he saw it without blinking, fearing that it might vanish, fearing that it was a product of his imagination. He just kept looking, fourth mistake.

And when his eyes met, when Eliott found him in that crowd and when Lucas felt as if an invisible hand had stripped him of the dagger that had pierced his heart for weeks. Lucas wasted no time in following his instincts and heading for the door. He walked as fast as his legs would allow him, his fifth mistake.

Lucas could feel his pulse accelerating with every step he took, his chest advanced one more centimeter to his mouth, his legs were seconds away from becoming unbalanced and giving way on the cold street pavement. All he could see was gray, green, blue in front of him.

Silence. The long, deep, eerie silence, and then a voice. A voice that he had been dreaming about for nights and that reached out to him to break that silence that was becoming like a thick layer around him.

"LUCAS!" Eliott was calling him from a distance.

The steps on the asphalt were getting closer and closer and Lucas could not think fast enough to come up with a plan whatever it was.

"Lucas, stop!" Eliott yells at him, but his steps don't obey him. He cannot, does not want to, does not know how.

"Please." Eliott breathlessly pleads with him as Lucas feels his hand catching his wrist and forcing him to turn to meet him.

The smell of cigarettes and lavender, the smell of sunshine, fresh soap, filled Lucas' senses. No, no, no, stop, Lucas wanted to ask him. Don't do this to me, not now. He raises his chin until he meets Eliott's pleading gaze.

Lucas steps back from Eliott's contact.

"What do you want?" Lucas says in a tone of voice that is biting and cold, so cold that he could swear the blood in his veins was frozen. He didn't know where that loud voice was coming from, but he knew it wouldn't last long so he had to do that quickly.

"I just want to talk to you." Eliott pleads again, joining his two eyebrows in an expression that screamed so much pity.

Lucas lets out a snort that cuts into a painful gasp. No, hold on, don't cry. "It's not a bit late, don't you think?"

"Lucas..." He takes a step towards him, but Lucas steps back, raising his hand.

"Don't come near me." Lucas swallows, taking a breath of air. His lungs felt on fire, full of sand and ready to sink to his sternum. "What do you want, Eliott? What makes you think I want to talk to you when you have so much time to do it?"

"I-"

"When were you going to tell me?" The first drop of tear fell cleanly down his cheek and he could not help it. "When were you going to tell me you had a girlfriend, huh? It was going to be when you were going to get bored of me?"

Eliott opens his mouth in quick denial. "No, Lucas, it's not like that."

"No? What other lie are you going to tell me? That she's not your girlfriend?" Lucas asks him with irony in his voice.

The sand inside his lungs was beginning to move in circles inside him turning into a hurricane of fury and soon the tears began to be of a feeling he had not been able to identify until he became aware of the clenched fists resting on either side of his body as more words came out of his mouth uncontrollably.

"No, it is not." Eliott responds quickly by restraining his desire to approach him and taking a step back. "I didn't lie to you. Lucille is not my girlfriend; I broke up with her before I even met you. She and I have nothing; I don't love her."

"That's not what she told me." Until now his voice had remained fine and two steps away from breaking, but the burning inside him gives him enough strength to keep it in balance while another falls into his eye gently.

"Lucas, you have to believe me." Eliott pleads with him again.

In front of him, Eliott's figure begins to fade in thin lines and Lucas visualizes two of them in front of the night, the lights, the life of New York. His life felt as cold as the air around him.

"Why?" He asks with the same despair that Eliott pleads.

"Because I don't love her!" Eliott responds quickly with much more force and relief than Lucas had ever heard. "Because she's not the one I want to be with for the rest of my life! Because I don't feel with her half as much as I feel when I'm with you!"

And all the hatred and anger gradually fell away, leaving in the form of pain and a sound that Lucas had heard before, one that came from his chest.

Lucas denies by turning his tear-filled blurred vision to the side of the street and continues to deny until he turns his face to meet Eliott's gray eyes again.

Once Lucas had described them as the clouds about to unleash a storm, he pointed to stop crying and now he could see it clearly. Sadness was all that could be detected in them.

"Stop lying." Lucas asks him in a broken voice.

"I'm not lying to you." Eliott lets out a painful gasp. "It is the whole truth."

"No." Lucas denies and bites hard on the inside of his cheek. Physical pain, please, please, he wants to feel something other than this. "No, that's not forever. You-" He takes a breath trying to control his crying. "You're going to forget me and get bored of me like you've done with everyone else."

"Lucas..." He listens as Eliott says his name in a low, shattered voice, as if it were taking him so long to speak.

"When were you going to tell me you were bipolar?" Lucas finally dared to ask.

"I-" Eliott opens his mouth, but closes it again before speaking again. "I wanted to do it."

"But you didn't."

"I couldn't."

Eliott defends himself, but Lucas denies by wetting his lips trying to think clearly what he is going to say before either of them gets hurt, but it is a little late for that, isn't it? The two of them are standing there in the middle of the street, screaming their heads off, moving carefully and crying uncontrollably.

"You lied to me." Lucas says slowly marking the words so that Eliott can feel the sharp points of reality. "You had plenty of time to tell me what you did and you didn't. You were going to tell me when? When you decided you wanted to move on to something else?"

"Lucas, you have to listen to me." Tears continued to fall on his face as Lucas did and the storm inside him was flooding him every time until he was paralyzed and had no idea how to breathe. "It is not so. I didn't want to hurt you after everything that happened with your mother. And you have to understand that my illness is not me. Being bipolar doesn't define me, it doesn't override my feelings, and it doesn't justify my actions. It's just a part of me, a part of me that I have to live with every day, a part that for so long was hell for me to the point of hating myself. Being bipolar is something that I struggle with every day, but it's not me. What I feel for you has nothing to do with that."

Lucas looks down at the pavement feeling unable to see Eliott's broken face any more, his dark gray eyes opaque with that blinding glow that had made him fall in love with him, tears streaming down his cheeks and his lower lip trembling.

It is a lot. This is a lot and there is no way that it can all stop. Let the silence return and let this heartbreaking pain in his chest, which makes it possible for him to breathe, just disappear.

Lucas visualizes Eliott taking a step towards him, and he instinctively steps back to meet his face soaked in Eliott's tears. A war breaks out inside him. One where two sides were fighting to take control of Lucas's body. One of them was shouting at him to say what was necessary to drive Eliott away and to run as fast and far as possible, and the other one was begging him on his knees to wrap Eliott's body with him until he let their pains consume each other up to the ashes.

And from Eliott's lips came three words. Three words and a sentences that could have lifted Lucas's soul to the very top, but now it was just ripping out his soul and crushing it into dust on that cold cement on **4th** Avenue.

Three words that sounded so warm, but before his eyes were so far away.

I love you.

No, that was not possible. Those words were not for him, that feeling was not his, that love did not belong to him.

It is not mine.

"Say something, please." Eliott tells him in a clean mumble that fills Lucas's body with trembling.

The tears did not stop, the pain in his chest, the hurried breathing that squeezed his little things, the turns of words, the desire to forget everything, but also the fear. Lucas felt as if he had been running for hours, days even years and he was tired.

And all reality fell on his back, and along with it all his fears woke up reaching the highest peak of the hurricane.

"Eliott." Lucas tells him with all the strength he can find in his body "That is not possible."

"But, I do." Eliott pleads again, holding one of his hands to his cheek, trying to wipe away any trace of tears. "I want to be with you."

It was more and more difficult to continue standing there and the desire to disappear was growing in Lucas's heart.

"Stop it, Eliott. It cannot be."

Eliott freezes by running his hand through his hair with force, pulling it.

"Why not?" Eliott asks him in desperation and bewilderment. Lucas's heart began to crack more and more; every step of the way its destruction was inevitable. He was going to end up broken in that street at Eliott's feet. How much more can it take until he can't anymore? "Yes I love you, Lucas, and so do you. I know you do." He whispers this last part with a little doubt in his voice for the first time.

And Lucas wanted to shout that he was doing it too.

I love you too. God, I love you so much, but this is turning out to be so much. This is not going to work.

"This is not going to work." Eliott's mouth opens ready to protest, but Lucas stops him before he has a chance. "You have your life in Paris and I have my life here. We are both from two completely opposite worlds."

"We can make it work."

Lucas denies swallowing the heavy knot in his throat that was making it difficult for him to continue.

"What happened in Paris was a matter of a moment and it's over now. You have your life, your dreams, your friends there and you and I... we are different." The words weigh on Lucas' palate and sound as slimy as the weight of the pain in his belly. "You have to forget me, Eliott, it's for the best."

"No, Lucas, don't do this to us." Eliott takes another step towards him and Lucas doesn't stop him. One last time, please, one last time to be able to feel his presence before all this is over.

"I am not good for you." Lucas wanted to break him. He wanted to be able to be one of those people who threw poison away the person they loved most, but he couldn't. He couldn't be able to hurt Eliott any more than he was hurting both of them. But it was for the best.

Within it, the war was won by the first side. All the demons that he had harbored, hidden, fed and let grow inside him for years.

Their fear of not being enough.

His fear of disappointing the other person.

His fear of what might come.

His fear that someday that feeling will become less warm and more horrific.

His fear of never making him happy.

His fear that he will never be able to beat his demons.

His fear of being left alone again.

His fear of never being able to give Eliott what he deserves.

His fear of giving himself up completely.

His fear of loving like this.

Can he do it? Can a person that had never love that way do it?

Eliott's hand is raised to brush the wet cheek of Lucas' salty drops and Lucas forces himself to move away from his soft, loving, gentle, kind touch. He knows that if he allows it he will not be able to stop, and he cannot afford it.

"Don't look for me, please. Don't make it difficult for me." Lucas takes a step back from Eliott and lets him drop his hand to his side. His eyes red from crying, his lips lined from biting, his gray look full of sadness and confusion, his long hands hanging on either side as a sign of weariness.

It was the best.

He will find something better. He will be happy. If he ever loved me, he'll do it again with someone else and he'll be happier.

And with that last thought, with those last words, Lucas turned away from the darkness and the cold of the night to the end of the street. He kept walking, kept repeating that it was the best thing.

That he was no good. That he was so broken. That Eliott was going to try to heal him but that he was going to end up hurting himself with the pieces. That they had both been hurt before. That Eliott was going to get over it. That he was going to get over it too. That they both forgot what happened on those summer days. And all those elaborate sentences inside his head should have made him feel better, but it didn't.

Lucas locked himself in his room and allowed himself to cry as he had never cried before while hiding inside his own body trying to disappear.

Trying to shut out that pain.

Trying to forget that he had made the worst mistake of his life.

* * *

The days passed slowly. The hours crawled by the clock while Lucas remained in his bed most of the time. He kept getting up when he had to make appointments with his thesis consultant, bathed and left his apartment, took the train and then made the trip home again, took his sleeping pills and went back. It was a relief, a little respite, to clear his mind for a few hours, but when he found himself back in the dark, it all came back. A wave of memories flooded his mind. He spent minutes going over every detail of the night he and Eliott met. Repeating sentences, reviewing looks, analyzing and finding new meanings and imagining he was saying something different. It was a storm that would later die down as the sleeping pills took effect and his body succumbed to a deep sleep that silenced the voices in his head.

Lucas continued to avoid Harve all that time, but also, deep down, was waiting for him to talk to him. At first he thought he would just stay a few days and leave, but he didn't. Harve's ghost would come and go, move around or move things around in his way.

Was he like an intruder, or was he the intruder? Was Harve waiting for him to leave?

It wasn't until one morning he found his friend in the kitchen, sitting on the island concentrating on his breakfast, that Lucas realized that maybe it was Harve who had been avoiding him all that time, but what was he supposed to say? Did he have to say anything?

"I broke up with September."

Harve tells him behind his back, causing Lucas to stop stirring his coffee cup, but he says nothing. For the first time, he felt uncomfortable in Harve's presence.

"Nothing? I thought you were going to be jumping on one foot with the news." Harve finally tells him.

Lucas turns his face looking over his shoulder at Harve but only manages to visualize his figure out of the corner of his eye. Shoulders shrugged, his hand with the fork resting to one side and his gaze lost between his plate in front of him.

"I'm very sorry." Lucas says it as honestly as he can. He could be happy, but he knew he shouldn't be, it wasn't his place. It looked so out of place.

He turns around leaning on the top of the stove taking a sip from his coffee cup and tasting it without waiting for it to get cold enough. That's what he needed, the heat that would eliminate all that cold, sharp feeling he was getting in the room.

"What happened?" He asks Harve slowly.

The boy raises his gaze to meet his eyes. And for the first time in so long Lucas could see those eyes that were just like his mother's. Light brown, the kind of color you could stare at for seconds trying to catch something that matched the green spots around the iris. Nothing. In seventeen years Lucas could not describe the color of those eyes that tended to change from time to time.

"You already know." Harve looks down at him.

Of all the things he expected to hear, that was perhaps the last. Lucas can feel his jaw slackening, but he manages to close it in time before it's too late.

"I'm sorry." Lucas apologizes again by looking down at his cup which is expelling twisted curves of smoke upward that dissipate halfway through before they can touch Lucas's skin.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Harve asks him.

Lucas does not dare to raise his eyes. He could not see that look of disappointment from Harve. He couldn't face his worst fear now, hell, it wasn't even eight o'clock in the morning yet and he's already stuck in that situation.

He thinks about it for a short time before deciding to be honest. Letting go of everything he had been holding back until now. Doing what he had been doing lately.

"I didn't want you to get hurt."

Harve frowned so strongly that Lucas could see from where he was standing the tension in his forehead.

"So you decided that marrying a woman who had been cheating to me would be better?" Harve asks him in a tone of voice so scathing that Lucas doesn't remember him ever using it.

"I didn't know you were going to marry her." Lucas tries to explain, but soon realizes how stupid his excuse sounds. He shakes his head slightly before continuing to talk. "I'm sorry, it was too late when I realized my mistake and then I thought you wouldn't believe me."

"Why did you believe that? You're my best friend-"

Harve begins to tell him, but Lucas quickly interrupts him when he realizes that he already knew what his friend was going to say.

"Don't give me the speech of, 'I would have believed you without a doubt.' When we both know that the first thing you would have done is to take her side."

Lucas takes a sip of his hot coffee while Harve's frown deepens, if that's even possible, even with his mouth open.

"That's not true." Harve denies it again.

"It is, Harve."

Lucas gets up from the top, walking to the island where Harve is located, standing in front of him and leaving the cup to rest on the small high table.

Lucas raises one of his hands to the side of his body as he continues to talk to Harve.

"On the one hand you have your girlfriend who you love with all your soul, you would give your life for her, you would even be willing to go against all the standards and ideas of your family." Lucas raises another hand like the first one, trying to explain better to his friend. "And on the other hand you have this guy with whom you have competed all your life, with whom you share absolutely everything and who hates your girlfriend." He moves both hands like a scale before dropping them and resting his elbows on the table. "Don't tell me you'd be on my side when the first thing you'd think was I was doing that to spite you."

"Lucas, you are my brother."

Perhaps it was the way Harve said it, even with harshness in his voice, but with an affection that softened his expressions, that caused Lucas to smile sideways while shaking his head.

"Harve, I know you." Lucas casts a look at him that he knew Harve could read. A look that asked him to stop fighting a battle he knew he had already lost.

"Fine." Harve sighs in defeat. "I might not have believed you, but at least I would have known. Did you prefer to lie to me?"

"Yes. Lucas answers feeling embarrassed.

"Why?"

Lucas looked down for a few seconds playing with the edge of his cup trying to find the right words that would express what he had felt was right, and after realizing that the best thing was to be honest, he looked up to Harve's impatient eyes.

"Because as selfish as it sounds I didn't want to lose you and it was so silly of me because I lose you anyway." Harve passes his hand over his jaw slowly even with his eyes full of sadness, but also thoughts.

"I was so angry when September told me that my best friend knew, do you have any idea how hard it was?” He asks Lucas without expecting any answer. "I was more hurt by your betrayal than by hers."

Lucas can feel all the tension coming back around him, along with the sadness that settles in his lower stomach tearing through his guts. He swallows slowly taking the courage to tell Harve how he has been feeling for months. Some time ago he would not have dared, but now it was different, what more could he lose? He didn't even know where his friendship was at this point, so what does it matter? It's time to stop holding it all in.

"And you have no idea how I felt when you went off with her and left me alone in Paris?" It was Lucas' turn to ask. "How lonely I felt. How betrayed I was. How abandoned and lost I found myself."

Harve's gaze fell as he slowly nodded in acceptance of his mistake.

"I shouldn't have done that, sorry." He apologizes. "I'm sorry for everything I said to you at the hotel, it wasn't true."

Lucas has to control his desire to let out a mocking snort, but instead he rolls his eyes, lifting his coffee cup.

"It was true." He tells Harve, also accepting that it was time for both of them to stop lying to themselves.

Stop pretending that Harve doesn't feel that way about Lucas and stop Lucas from pretending not to see him.

Harve twists his lip into a half-smile. "A little bit." He admits to Lucas.

Lucas laughs softly after taking a sip of his coffee, leaving the cup in place in front of him. "We're pretty shitty best friend."

"Yes." Harve also laughs with a slow nod. "We are."

Both continue to laugh a little until all the air in the room feels less heavy and more peaceful. More in the environment in which they both grew up. Just the two of them, there was no room for anything but their friendship. No one else.

"I'm sorry I kept the truth from you. It's just that..."

"Your insecurities." Harve interrupts him by saying those two words that feel like a loud thump on Lucas's face.

"What?" Lucas asks him.

"You tend to do that all the time." Harve answers by shrugging his shoulders.

Lucas feels his scowl gradually grow larger as he tilts his head to the side. "I don't understand."

"You let everything here" He tells him by taking his index finger to his temple and pointing at it. "dominate you."

The silence between the two becomes so evident that Harve explodes in a big smile full of satisfaction all over his face.

"First time you don't deny something that I'm telling you." Harve raises his eyebrows in surprise even with his smile on his lips.

"I know." Lucas accepts it, as his best friend says, for the first time. "I know I do it too much."

"You have to start living in the present.

"What do you mean?" Lucas tries to laugh, but the sound dies halfway through. "I live in the present."

"No, you don't." Harve tells him a certain mind. "You spend a lot of time reliving the past and wondering what might have been, and if not, you also focus a lot on the future. Every time you make a decision you always look for the worst side and make up these scenarios in your head where every path ends badly. You never focus on the present. What is more important."

His friend stops to take a breath before continuing while his gaze never leaves Lucas'. Trying to guess how he feels, and Lucas is doing it too. He's trying to process all the words that Harve is saying to him and he's trying so hard not to let it show that he's affecting him.

"It's okay to miss the past and fear the future, but when you focus on both, you just forget to live the now."

He drank his cup of coffee tasting the liquid a little more while his head was putting some order to his ideas. Yes, it may be true that all Harve had told him were things he does, but is that bad?

"No." Lucas pauses in slow denial. "I haven't seen it like that."

"That's right, Lucas, you didn't tell me about September because it throws you off the deep end." Harve tells him in a slow tone of voice as if he can read how difficult it is for Lucas. "You always expect something bad to happen and it's not always going to happen. You have to have more faith in people."

More faith in people. Living in the present. Stop expecting the worst.

"I'm sorry I did that." Lucas apologizes again in a low voice, which Harve manages to capture.

He nods slowly, letting Lucas know that he understands. "Just remember to live little by little. One hour at a time, don't get overwhelmed. One day at a time and if that's too much you can try an hour or a minute."

He shrugs his hand and finishes giving Lucas a little smile that he responds in the same way even though his head is still spinning inside him.

"When did you become so wise?" Lucas asks him jokingly, causing Harve to laugh a little before taking a sip from his own coffee cup.

"There are a lot of old people in London bars, believe me from there you get something stuck."

"It feels like another life, doesn't it?"

"Yeah." Harve agrees with him. "I think I've aged a thousand years and I'm seeing some memories."

Lucas was sorry. It was so strange to think that a few years ago he found that letter that opened his eyes to a world full of possibilities. It was so strange that that same boy was so afraid to go to the country where he was born. It didn't feel like him to think that he had gotten on a plane, walked down the street, and traveled by train to that same country. It didn't sound like something he would do, something so daring and brave. Nor would he have imagined that he would have fallen in love with that city, learned to enjoy mornings, days without coffee, do crazy things, go to unknown places and even fall in love. Give up his heart? Something very risky for him, but he had done it.

It all sounded like another person, another life, a dream he had. It wasn't him, but it was. He did all that.

"Thank you, Harve." Lucas sincerely thanks him by earning a smile from his friend. "You are my best friend and I couldn't bear to lose you."

"Then don't ever do anything like that again, do you understand me?" He says with an upwardly raised eyebrow in a clear challenge. "Because I can't stand being angry with you."

"Fine."

"Although this could take time." Harve finally stating his true intentions, the truth is that he was taking too long from Lucas's point of view.

Lucas rolls his eyes before dropping his shoulders forward. "How much are we talking about?"

"I'm talking about food and drink for the next five months."

He states his terms, to which Lucas groans in protest by opening his eyes. Thank God he wasn't drinking coffee because he's sure he would have thrown all the contents over that same table.

"Five months?" Lucas asks with his mouth open.

"Do you want to make it seven?" Harve responds with a tone of voice that said he wasn't there to play. Lucas sighs, raising his hands.

"Fine. Fine. Five months."

Both of them laugh a little again. It felt good. It felt like nothing had changed. It felt like coming home. It was good, it was too good, one less weight on Lucas's shoulders and a big break for him.

"Lucas, I'm sorry for what I said." He apologizes again with what Lucas could see only sincerity in his eyes. He knows, he too needed to get that burden off his shoulders.

"It's okay, Harve." Lucas reassures him with a short smile.

"I don't want you to feel that I don't love you because I do. You're my brother and it's normal for brothers to feel that way sometimes, right?"

"Yes. Lucas laughs a little while he shrugs. "But you have to admit that I am mom's favorite."

He jokingly tells Harve, earning a deep laugh from his friend who kept nodding his head.

"You wish." Harve points at him with his index finger trying to be as serious as possible. "Not even in your wildest dreams."

* * *

Everything after that was a little, just a little, easier for Lucas. He kept going out with his best friend from time to time to drink where his wallet cried every drink he had to pay for Harve, but it was worth it. It was worth it to see the happiness of his friend and also to witness the hangover Harve had the next day. And even in those days Lucas kept turning over what Harve had told him.

Stop living in the past.

Stop trying to figure out how to expect the worst from the future.

He thought about it so much, even on the nights when he went out with his friend, on the long evenings in his bed while he tossed and turned under the covers, even on the day when he was on his way to college or when he was waiting to be served at some coffee shop. Lucas thought about it and felt a little more confident, would he be able to cast off his own insecurities and dare to do so? And each time Lucas thought that yes, he could do it because it was so damn painful.

It was a torture to sleep with the void by his side. It was a nightmare not being able to hold Eliott and even talk to him. To hear his voice and his laughter was a kind of absence that was taking the life out of Lucas and he hated it. He hated so much how he depended on him even after so long, but I needed Eliott.

His shirt had lost all trace of his smell. There was nothing left of him and Lucas couldn't take it anymore.

So that cool October night Lucas unlocked his cell phone and went straight to that contact he still had on record, which he hadn't dared to erase yet and which like some of his belongings, he still held on to in great need.

**Eliott:**

**Jul 7th, 10:28**

what's going on?

why don't you get my messages?

lucas?

**Jul 7th, 10:56**

i'm on my way home don't move from there

**Jul 7th, 15:09**

shit, i'm so sorry. i'm sorry you had to meet lucille. i already took care of her, but lucas please tell me where you are.

**Jul 7th, 18:31**

i know i joked about calling the police and reporting you missing, but i'm serious. please answer me.

**Jul 8th, 02:14**

please tell me you didn't leave. i need you.

**Jul 20th, 23:47**

i know i screwed up badly and i should have been honest with you. not only to tell you how my relationship with lucille was before i met you, but also about my situation, but i didn't want to hurt you. i would never do anything to hurt you, that has always been my greatest fear. i couldn't bear to and know that i have. knowing that i made itis killing me. i did what i least wanted to do.

**Jul 20th, 23:49**

i miss you too much.

**Aug 5th, 11:26**

i just want to know how you are and to let you know that i miss you.

**Aug 11th, 14:08**

this is so hard to do without you. everyone here misses you. emma, imane, idriss and even arthur, i feel that none of them will forgive me for what i did. brian seems upset with me. believe it or not, he is.

**Aug 19th, 20:34**

i miss you very much. lucas, please let me talk to you.

**Aug 27th, 03:55**

i guess i should stop writing to you because that's what you want, but i don't. i really need you too much. i wish that i had told you everything and that we were together now or at least that neither of us were going through this.

**Sept 23rd, 21:13**

i hope one day you will read this and know that what i told you is true, i love you. i love you very much and i will always love you, lucas. i can't love anyone except you.

Heavy tears fall on Lucas's pillow and he closes his eyes trying to assimilate everything he has just read. Even after what he had told Eliott, he still felt it. He still loved him. After he recovered enough and cleaned his cheeks, Lucas unlocked the cell phone and did what he should have done in the first place. He sent him a text message.

**Today, 01:16**

can we talk?

Lucas didn't expect any answer at that time so he was surprised when within minutes he received a short response from Eliott.

**01:18**

yes

can i call you?

please

The cell phone rang once until the line on the other end answered by cutting everything. The silence was deep, long in front of him until Lucas released his lower lip from between his teeth before speaking.

"Hello." Lucas dares to say in a low voice.

He hadn't planned how the conversation was going to go or even what he was going to say, but deep down he knew he just wanted to be honest. Let it all out, let it go and whether Eliott was willing to take it or not, then he would learn to live with that decision.

" _Hello_." Eliott responds in the same soft tone that makes Lucas want to close his eyes and savor his voice.

He missed his voice. His voice that in the mornings was low because of sleep. The same voice that rose thousands of levels every time he spoke of something he liked. That voice that had whispered sweet things to him when he held him in his arms. His voice that could give him goosebumps when he said his name or some short nickname. It was so ridiculous. He felt like a teenager lying in his bed with a racing pulse in the middle of the night telling secrets to some boy he liked, but wasn't it? He was about to confess his feelings while his body was shaking with nervousness.

Lucas takes some air before continuing. "Sorry I woke you up."

" _No, it doesn't matter._ " Eliott is quick to reassure him. " _What did you want to talk about?_ "

"I wanted to apologize." He wets his lips, releasing the air he was holding inside. "For everything I said to you that night, I shouldn't have."

" _No, Lucas, don't apologize."_

And Lucas knew where the conversation was headed, so he stepped forward as he sat on the bed unable to stop his hands from playing with the quilt. God, why didn't you make it easy for me with the words? How do others do it? How can I tell him that I love him, that I'm sorry, that I want him by my side? How do I make this work? At that moment Lucas realized that he would only make it if he took a chance, if he tried, if he dared to do it, with or without fear but he would do it.

"Just give me a minute to talk, please." Lucas asks Eliott to make him stop his words that sound as nervous as Lucas is feeling. "And after that you can hang up and if you decide that it was enough then I'll be… fine with your decision."

Lucas hears a little sigh coming from the other line before he speaks again. " _Okay._ " He said.

"I'm sorry. Everything I said that night is not true, I don't want you out of my life. I want you in it..." His hand falls on his forehead as he bends his back and drops forward in a foolish attempt to hide. "God, I wish I hadn't ruined that night and taken the opportunity to tell you this up front, but I let my insecurities get the better of me and I, I couldn't. Eliott, you have no idea how you make me feel."

" _I can imagine it_." Eliott tells him so sweetly that he manages to plunge directly into Lucas's heart.

Lucas does not realize that the tears are falling on his cheeks until his smile is interrupted by a drop falling gently on his chin.

This is real. It's doing it. And now that he's started he has no intention of stopping.

"Those weeks with you were some of the happiest days of my life. I felt so peaceful, so safe, so loved, and that made me so happy, but also a part of me was always hoping that this was a trick. A dream from which I will soon wake up." He shrugs his shoulders even when Eliott can't see him, but he is making every effort to keep his mind steady. "And I tend to do that, to expect the bad of it all. And when it happened I just gave up. I just..."

Lucas breaks down in tears again closing his eyes and this time leaving his forehead resting on his bent knees. It is exhausting. It is too much effort to try to put into words how he feels while having that fear eating away at his insides telling him that he is going to ruin him.

He's going to hate me. Lucas is sure he will.

In the silence of his room, Eliott's voice brings him back to reality. " _You can talk to me, baby_."

"I just wanted you to be there with me and tell me everything you said to me that night." Lucas finally confesses to him, turning his face still sideways and staring out the large window that left the blue night sky in sight.

" _Sorry, sorry I didn't try harder_." Eliott apologizes in what Lucas could distinguish as his broken voice. He too was making an effort. " _I got scared. I did what I feared most, which was to hurt you, and I didn't want to made it anymore. I thought it was best to leave you alone. I didn't do enough._ "

Lucas smiles halfheartedly, feeling a small drop fall along his nose. "We are a disaster."

Eliott laughs a little quietly. " _Yes_."

"I'm tired of running and carrying all these insecurities around with me. I don't want to be a coward anymore." Lucas says that last sentence in a whisper.

The shame was still sitting there next to him, but Eliott knew how to calm it down. He, too, had to learn to master it.

" _You are not._ " Eliott's voice is heard confidently and even in the distance Lucas could imagine him with a frown of frustration. " _You called me._ "

It was true. Maybe he could learn to have more control over himself after all. Eliott was succeeding, as always, in making him feel better in his worst moments.

Lucas wipes his wet tears on his cheeks. "I have thought a lot about you. About us. About everything."

" _Is it a good thing?_ ” Eliott ask carefully, but with that touch of fun in his voice that makes Lucas can't help but smile.

"A little bit."

He wraps his arm around his legs without taking off his other hand from the cell phone resting on his ear. What he wouldn't give for being able to feel Eliott's arms over his own, but he could settle for this for now. It was easy. It was too easy to be honest like that.

"I realized that just because I took a chance once and it didn't work out so well, doesn't mean I should stop trying." Lucas closes his eyes for a few seconds holding his courage in his hands before releasing the question that had been attacking his mind for days. "Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

" _Of course I do_." Again Lucas heard Eliott release the air he had been holding in his lungs. A breath of fresh air for him. " _Shit, I hate that you doubt it because it's true. Lucas, I may regret even the taste of juice I bought today, but if I went near your table that day, that would never happen. It was the best decision I've made in years and I'm not good at making decisions_.”

A small smile appears at the corner of his lips and he slowly pulls away until that is all Lucas can feel. Pure happiness. No filters. Without fears. They were such simple statements to other people's ears but they meant a world to Lucas.

" _You have me on your hands. Too much_." If it was possible for his smile to grow more, then it was. Lucas couldn't have felt happier. " _As corny as it sounds and you can laugh at me. I mean it, if you ever doubt it again, I'll be damned._ "

It was so easy to go back to being themselves. It wasn't as if they hadn't spoken to each other for weeks, it was as if all that time had been erased and lost in space and these were the two of them again talking face to face in the restaurant, some tourist place or Eliott's room in Paris.

" _Lucas?_ " Eliott calls him, distracting him from his thoughts.

"I was waiting to hear something." Lucas finally tells him, earning himself a low laugh from across the line. His laugh. I missed it so much. "How are we going to make this work?

" _We'll do it together_." Eliott declares with certainty. Lucas nods slowly allowing himself to record those words in the back of his mind.

"Can we go slowly?" Lucas asks slowly.

" _At your own pace_." Eliott says slowly.

"We can start with the basics." Lucas hadn't even given it much thought, but it seemed the most logical thing to do. The distance. The time. Both needed to get to know, to discover each other, to take advantage of this space to learn a little more about Eliott. To take everything as calmly as it should have been. To do everything well, much better than the first time. "Can we be friends?”

" _Yes, we can_."

"I have never made friends from distance."

" _Neither do I_." Lucas could feel Eliott's smile leaning on his cell phone. " _We'll work it out together. I know it. Don't focus on the bad, put aside all those thoughts and enjoy what we have now_."

Lucas nods again, passing his teeth over his lower lip. "You're better at this than I am."

" _Lucas, I don't care about the miles, I don't care if we're just friends now or if you just want to try, I don't care._ " Eliott assures him with the sweetest voice Lucas has ever heard. It's too perfect, and it's not fair. " _Like you said, having you in my life is enough_."

"It doesn't seem fair to me."

" _What?_ " Eliott asks him.

"That you are willing to give everything when I cannot do the same."

" _It's okay, because I know deep down you feel the same way and I'm not going to push you. I would never do that_."

"Thank you." Lucas thanks him as sincerely as he can. He raises his head, straightens his back, and lies back on the mattress with his eyesight lost on the dark ceiling of the room.

" _Don't thank me for loving you. You've earned that all by yourself._ ”

Eliott tells him in a joking tone making Lucas laugh again by turning his body to one side at the same time that he changes his cell phone position leaving it resting on his other ear.

"Was it easy?" Lucas asks him in the same funny tone.

" _No, not even close_." Eliott laughs. " _It was hard, but you made it... I missed your voice_."

"Hey, friends don't say things like that to each other." Lucas raises his left eyebrow, even though Eliott can't see it, but keeps his tone in mock seriousness.

Eliott laughs again, but this time a little louder. Lucas can't stop the smile on his lips from getting wider.

" _No? I'm sure Idriss has said that to me a few times_." Eliott jokes with him and Lucas responds with another laugh that comes from deep within his chest.

It feels good. It feels too good to be happy again. "I missed you too. I was getting worried."

" _Why?_ ”

"Because you would forget English."

Lucas hears a snort that sounds like a half laugh. " _Well, thank you for always keeping me in your **thoughts**._" Eliott says that word slowly so he can pronounce it correctly.

The silence returns between the call, but it is a comfortable silence. Easy, simple, light, calm.

"3625.08 miles." Lucas says in a whisper, fearing that if he said them aloud he might increase their number.

" _Did you count them yourself?_ " Eliott jokes, then changes his tone to a softer one as if he were telling Lucas a secret in the middle of the night. " _Don't think about it. Step by step like we're learning to walk, right?_ "

Then Lucas remembered what Harve had told him a few days ago. That he should live in the present, and take everything day by day, and if it was too much then hour by hour and even minute by minute if he felt better.

Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

"Minute by minute."

" _Minute by minute, but you have to promise not to count every minute we spend apart._ "

Lucas laughs again in a low voice biting his lower lip hard, bringing his hand to his eyes covering them. "I don't know how your friends will be, but mine are not like that."

" _It's our thing_." Eliott tells him so lovingly that Lucas can swear his heart is moving faster under his sternum. " _You and I don't do things the way others do_."

"It is true." Lucas agrees with him. "Would you do it again if you could? Would you change anything?"

" _Between us? The truth?_ " Lucas hums in response and then listens as Eliott sighs a little bit by changing position or moving. " _Maybe I told you the truth about some things, just that but I wouldn't change anything else, because everything brought us here and because the person I was a few months ago is not the same person I am now. And you?_ "

"Just one thing." Lucas confesses with a small smile on his lips. "If I had known that was the last time we would ever kiss; I would never have stopped."

" _Hey, friends don't talk to each other like that_." Eliott jokes again, and like all the previous times, Lucas can't help but laugh.

"Do you remember our last kiss?"

" _Last kiss?_ " Eliott says in a high-pitched voice that Lucas managed to identify as a surprise with a little indignity in it. " _I don't plan on it being our last one_."

"Shut up." Lucas says amidst his laughter. "You know what I mean."

" _It was the one I gave you before I left that_ _morning_." Eliott finally answers his question, but incorrectly.

"No, I don't remember that one." Lucas wets his lips a little before reminding Eliott and himself of that moment that has been playing in front of his eyes for weeks. "It was the kiss you gave me the night before when we were lying in your room watching my favorite show. You gave me that deep analysis about consciousness, humanity and a lot of things related to Walter White."

" _Oh I remember, but that was because you were complaining that Pinkman couldn't follow a simple instruction and ended up destroying the whole bathroom_."

They both laugh when they remember that last night that Lucas was not feeling very well. One of those bad days. And that Eliott offered to give him the remote control and look for something on Netflix so Lucas forced him to watch Breaking Bad because everyone should watch that show and even though Eliott said it didn't look like something he liked he could give it a try, but he quickly got so hooked on the story that they ended up watching the whole first season that night until one after another fell into the sleep.

"It is true." Lucas tries to defend his theme while listening to Eliott's laugh. "If I had bought what he had told him none of that would have happened and my analysis was better than yours."

" _Your analysis was a bunch of complaints. There was nothing new there_."

"Do you remember?" Lucas asks him quietly, still with a smile on his lips.

" _Yes_." Eliott answers him even with a smile that Lucas could identify. " _You asked me if I was going to shut up for a while and I said I would if you did too._ "

"Rude."

" _Smart_. "

"We are idiots." Lucas declares after releasing a short low laugh.

" _Yes, but at least I managed to shut you up._ " Eliott tells him with that voice he always uses when he gets what he wants.

Lucas loves him too much.

Both remain silent, until Lucas hears a little sigh coming from Eliott that draws him back to reality.

" _Sorry I didn't tell you about my bipolarity_." Eliott breaks the silence by apologizing with all the honesty Lucas can hear.

"I understand, I really do." He swallows slowly. "You weren't ready and you had your reasons."

" _It will take a while, right?_ " Eliott asks uncertainty. Lucas can't blame him; he still feels that way too. He doesn't know how long it will take, but he is willing to work on it. Together.

Lucas lets out a short sigh. "Yes, but I want to do it. I want to try, it's worth it."

" _It's worth it_." Eliott says softly and slowly as if he were savoring those words in his mouth. " _You are worth it, Lucas_."

"You should go to sleep." Lucas says in a whisper.

" _You too_." Eliott responds with the same gentle tone.

"Talk to you later."

" _Sleep well_."

"See you later, Eliott."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did I tell you? Everything was going to be fine!!! I hope you liked this chapter as much as I did because it was a relief to settle things between those two idiots. Now we only have two more chapters to go. I send you a big hug and I wish you a Happy Christmas, have a great time with those you love the most ❤️🥰 Thank you all, you don't know how happy I am that you read my story. See you next Sunday with the penultimate chapter.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter came up a little later than usual but it was a little hard to find time when I've been running around with my family. But here we are, I hope you enjoy it!

The days following his first phone conversation where Eliott had the opportunity to apologize again and Lucas to finally open up to his feelings without leaving anything in doubt. He understood what Lucas meant by going slow and he agreed with that too - given how things went between them the first time - it was best now. It was the best option for building a relationship. After that call, Eliott stayed awake until the daytime sun came through the window completely.

A new beginning.

They continued to talk long after that. A message from Lucas in the middle of his shift. Some questions from his day. A long, empty, boring answer from Eliott. A plea from Lucas that he stops writing too much text. A little joke. Maybe a few memes from Eliott until it's time to go home. On the way home his smile never falls and he doesn't even realize his stupid expression until Idriss asks him with a frown which insect bit him today.

He kept the secret until one afternoon in late October when Idriss asked him how Lucas was and without thinking, he answered.

"How did you know?" Eliott asks him when he manages to get his breath back after nearly dying from drowning with half his Chinese rice.

Idriss shrugs without bothering to take his eyes off the TV show they were watching that night.

"Who else would you talk to until three in the morning and keep that smiling face when we both know that not sleeping puts you in a very bad mood?" Idriss tells him as simply as if he didn't even understand why he had to explain his reasons.

"So, what's up?" His friend asks him, leaving his empty plate on the table and turning his face for the first time to look at it carefully.

"Fine." Eliott nods trying to keep his expression neutral, but it's totally in vain when one, he knows Idriss will be able to read through him and two, his best friend squints his eyes in that way that gives him to understand that he's not being fooled.

“Just fine?" Idriss raises his eyes, not looking surprised at all before breaking into a wide smile. "Come on you're dying to tell me."

Eliott lets out a sigh and feels his shoulders and chest drop down. It is so difficult to hide things from someone who knows him like the back of his hand, or even better than that, better than he ever knows himself.

"We are taking it easy. We decided it was best to start with the basics, like normal people, and get to know each other.” Eliott explains to his friend.

Idriss lets out a laugh that Eliott is sure is coming from deep in his sternum, while slowly denying. "Is there anything you don't know about each other?"

Fine. Sometimes it could be a little irritating how well he could get to know him.

"Not like _this_." Eliott complains, moving on the couch in his bad attempt to hide from his friend's funny look.

Idriss laughs again, raising his face to the ceiling and taking a last breath, and meets Eliott's dark eyes again.

"I'm kidding." He runs his hand through the back of Eliott's hair, messing it up. "I understand what you mean and I'm happy for you both. It's the best thing for _now_."

"For _now_?" Eliott asks him with a scowl, not quite sure what Idriss means by that last part. In the way he said it or in the way he lowered his shoulders a little. Clearly there was something else there that Eliott hadn't quite grasped.

"Yes, you know now that you guys are not together.” Idriss moves his extended hands to the side explaining to his friend while Eliott nods following his movements. "What are you two going to do after you pass the friend phase?”

The answer on the tip of Eliott's tongue ready to be said with all the security of the universe, but at last sure his brain and his tongue suffered from a short circuit that made Eliott's voice sound different. On the contrary, to that security with which he had thought, it was the logical thing to do after a friendship. Or well, _friendship_ because it was not official. He wasn't the same sixteen-year-old boy who had a stupid crush on some friend. No, this time he wasn't going to get stuck in something like a friend zone. That didn't really exist.

"Us together?"

Idriss squints again, studying it carefully, and turns his whole body more towards it, leaving his extended arm resting on the back of the chair. "Haven't you talked about it?"

Eliott slowly denies "No, not yet. We are slowly."

"So it's like an open relationship," Idriss tells him at the same speed that Eliott's heart comes out over his rib cage.

"No." Eliott responds with much more determination than he expected. "I mean, I don't know, no. It's a relationship of friends." He was able to say after struggling with some uncertainties that ran through his mind.

What was he going to say? Yes? When he didn't know if Lucas had been with someone else. Yes? When he never agreed on anything with Lucas. They were friends, but more than friends with no official title, yet, that was almost official. Shit, Idriss had to come and do this now.

“So he can date whoever he wants and so can you?" Idriss asks again a question that provokes some kind of expression from Eliott that he can't even imagine, but luckily his friend knew how to read it easily. "You haven't talked about that either?"

"No, but it's pretty obvious that we're not going to date anyone else, right?” Eliott passes his hands slowly over the fabric of his pants.

There was no reason to be concerned. Not when Lucas had told him that night how much he wanted to be with him.

_I want you in my life_ , had been his exact words. Words that Eliott did not stop repeating all the next day and that until now he keeps engraved like a tattoo on his skin. Ready to roll up his shirt sleeve and run his finger over the words like a cassette playing Lucas's sweet, low voice as he utters them.

"I don't know." Idriss tells him, looking a little unsure of his answer. "You should talk to him about that." Eliott turns his face wetting his lips stopping his nervous movements.

"Shit, I'm not talking to you anymore." Eliott complains. "I was fine before this conversation."

"Hey." Idriss raises one of his hands in surrender by moving his head backwards as well as his body. "I just make sure you're both on the same page.”

Eliott lets out a little sigh so tremendously slowly trying to calm his thoughts. "We are." He assures his friend with a small smile.

They are. Eliott knows this. He wasn't going to let them destroy that second chance and neither was Lucas. This time going to work.

Late October went as well as early November. Eliott didn't concentrate too much on that topic. He did what he told Idriss and was enjoying Lucas' company. Talking by text every day, the early morning calls in Paris and late night calls in New York. The favorite parts of his day were when he would spend it with Lucas. Receiving a message at night when the day had been a bit busy for either of them and Eliott never lost time to answer.

**Lu**

**03:21**

are you awake?

sorry, of course you're sleeping

i'm awake

what happens?

i just wanted to talk to you, but it's too late

keep sleeping and we'll talk tomorrow

we can talk

i want to talk to you too

i'll call you right now

Eliott waited patiently for Lucas' name to appear on his cell phone screen and when it did, he wasted no time in moving the bubble to the green circle.

" _Hi_." It is received by the happy voice of Lucas. He knows he is smiling at the cell phone because that is how he finds himself with his own phone resting on his cheek and half his face hidden in the pillow.

"Hi." Eliott responds without being able to stop the lazy smile growing on his face. On the other side of the line he can distinguish the sounds of the street. Cars, people, horns, footsteps, strong current, and Lucas' restless breathing. "Where are you?"

" _On the way home_." Lucas answers him. " _I went out to one of these parties they had in college, but I came back early_.”

"At eight o'clock at night?" Eliott asks him carefully.

He can imagine it. Lucas through the night. With some coat covering him from the temperature, his brown hair following the rhythm of his short steps against the street pavement, people crossing, brushing by him and from what he could tell, it was a large number. Eliott was envious. Of those people who could be inches away from Lucas. He envies the fate of that gentleman who is speaking too loudly a few steps away from Lucas, of the people who drive their cars down the same streets where Lucas is leaving his marked steps, of the woman who Lucas gave up his seat, of the boy who comes up to ask for directions, or even of the person with whom Lucas shared the elevator. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week, next month. Everyone could feel his presence, but not Eliott, not as he would like.

Lucas laughs, but the sound is interrupted by the sound of an ambulance in the distance. " _The body can't take it anymore like it used to_."

"Wasn't there anything interesting?" Eliott tells him in the same joking tone that Lucas used with him.

" _Nope._ " Lucas makes a little pop with his lips. " _Either I'm getting old or they don't do parties like it used to_."

Eliott laughs low, biting his lower lip, releasing it before he speaks again, asking. "Didn't you drink?"

" _A little bit_."

"And you went alone?"

" _Is this an interrogation?_ " Lucas raises his voice a bit, raising his funny tone as well, trying to hear himself above the voices of the people around him. Eliott could hear a woman's voice in the background indicating the next stops. " _Excuse me, did I dial my mom's number by mistake?_ "

Eliott laughs again, but this time letting his laughter run free. It's wonderful the way he can be and how Lucas could get the best of him so quickly. "Just curious, I don't want anything to happen to you."

And even in the distance Eliott could see the way Lucas rolled his eyes followed by that little grunt. " _Believe me or not. Here I have the weight, the ideal height, and the knowledge to survive_.”

Eliott sighs, keeping his smile short on his lips. "Good."

Both lines remain silent without either of them saying anything again. Eliott enjoys Lucas's world, absorbing every noise around him, Lucas's slow breathing and even that little sound he makes every time he swallows. That sound that makes Eliott's hair stand on end. He closes his eyes and lets himself be consumed by the darkness of the room, keeping his mind alert until he hears Lucas' voice again speaking to him in a whisper.

" _Sorry to wake you up._ " Lucas apologizes. He apologizes as he does every night Lucas calls him after a stressful day or even just to hear the voice of the other. And like all those times, Eliott says the same thing by doing everything possible to make Lucas feel, even if it is a third of what he produces in him.

"It doesn't matter. I missed you." Eliott tells him honestly by keeping his weak smile on his face, even though he can't see it.

" _So do I_." Lucas pronounces this sentence with a longing that Eliott feels swelling to his chest. " _I promise you that after this is over I will be free to talk as much as you want and you will surely get fed up with me_.”

Lucas was about to finish his thesis. Not finished because the ninety-three-page monster was already done, but it was still missing that another bunch of people read it, crossed out here and there, sending Lucas to his apartment to correct it and then come back and do the same. A circle that repeated itself every few days or weeks, depending on the availability of these people, causing Lucas to stop his day when he received an appointment and concentrate on correcting until everything was approved. He had some problems with his research getting accepted by a university department, but he succeeded, after waiting patiently - or not so patiently with Lucas stepping on the heels of those in charge - he managed to get one of his thesis processes done.

Most of the things Lucas told him - he made the effort to understand, and even if he couldn't remember half the names or could pronounce more than two words - he did his best to support him. Telling Lucas that he would soon be a graduate and that he would be _whatever his profession was._ Always earning, without fail, some desperate gasp from Lucas.

"That never." Eliott responds to his assumptions. It is impossible that he could ever get tired of Lucas, ever.

Eliott hears a low laugh from Lucas and the silence between them becomes present. That was another wonderful thing in their relationship. Those comfortable silences, different from the ones that existed at the beginning when they met. This silence was as if the distance would be cut with a pair of fine scissors and they would soon be back in June on hot days in the gardens of Versailles or in front of some painting by Monet.

“ _Are you still there?_ " Lucas asks him after Eliott, he imagine, got off the train at his stop and returned to the lively streets of his town.

"Mh." Eliott hums in response without bothering to open his eyes or change position.

" _Good_." Lucas says with evident relief. Eliott still hears his breathing a little shaken. The sound of a door. Heavy steps. Keys. Another door opening. And again it is as if his mind will transport him to where Lucas is. Lucas dropping his things somewhere. Lucas complains as he struggles to get out of his cold clothes. Lucas leaves the key to the sink open while brushing his teeth. Lucas sighing when he finally finds himself under the covers.

Eliott listens to everything from a distance while fighting a little more with sleep to stay awake long enough to hear Lucas's calm sigh. Neither of them needs to say anything else. Neither of them says anything else. Neither of them ends that call.

* * *

The days of November passed slowly. Long hours at work, afternoon walks to his house, nights sharing his dinner with Idriss or simply being him and some movie he had just discovered. November was the longest month of all for him, especially when Lucas was busy putting every ounce of energy into doing what he could to get his thesis accepted and end that headache, he called: University. The only thing that gave either of them any peace of mind in the midst of all this movement was the weekends. The only two days where they tried to take advantage of every hour of the day to enjoy each other's company.

Lucas was talking about Harve's plans to move in before graduation. Eliott was trying to put all his concentration into following the thread of the conversation and soon the connection between his thoughts and his lips was lost.

Lucas stops talking, frowning at the screen where Eliott's lost gaze is projected.

"Is something wrong?" Lucas asks him curiously after his story was falling apart at the end.

He ponders it a bit whether he should or not, but soon realizes that the whole point of them doing this is to build communication as well. That's what he has to have if it's going to work and he wants it to, he knows what he's going to do so he pulls out all his stops and throws out the question with no time to draw up any rescue plan.

"I've been thinking these last few days about something that... Something that has been haunting me too much. One question, and that is, I just wanted to know what we are." Lucas' lips open a little without trying to hide his surprise. As soon as Eliott can see Lucas' face transform into a silent cry of insecurity, he feels bad. "I know we decided that everything would go slowly, but I just wonder if we are exclusive or not or if..."

Eliott's mouth continues to spew out word after word uncontrollably trying to alleviate some of the anxiety Lucas is feeling, but it's all having different results.

Lucas's frown is more pronounced on his forehead and his eyes are more lost than before. "Do you want to go out with someone else?" Lucas asks him slowly.

It was Eliott's turn to feel his eyes open as he quickly shook his head. "No, of course not."

"Because if so..." Lucas goes on to say, but Eliott steps forward by lowering the lever and stopping his thoughts before they go in the wrong direction.

"No, Lucas, I don't want anyone else." Eliott clears his throat with a short sigh before declaring quite confidently. "I only want you, but I don't know if that's what you want.”

"What?" Behind the camera, Lucas laughs and shakes his head a little more, bowing to the screen as if he's waiting for Eliott to break into a laugh while he's running around telling him it's all a joke. "Are you kidding?"

"No." Eliott tells him not being sure what he should answer to that. "It's just that we never established if we wouldn't be with anyone else while we were in the friend stage and I forgot to ask. I was happy with whatever it was that I forgot there were... needs."

"Don't you want to be with anyone else?" Lucas asks again before running his hand through his uncombed hair that contrasts completely with the afternoon light coming in through his window.

"No." Eliott responds again, but now firmly. "I thought about it for you."

Lucas lets out a snort that sounds a little like a contained laugh, while he denies by turning his face and letting his face follow the rays of the sun. Eliott waits patiently until Lucas looks back at the screen.

“Do you want _me_ to be with someone else?" He asks him with raised eyebrows, hoping for an answer.

Eliott quickly denied by moving his hands in front of the camera. "No, please don't." He begs in a tone that sounds sharper than he expected.

"I don't understand." Lucas still laughs with an expression that reveals his confusion, but then his face slowly relaxed. He could almost see the machine at full steam working inside Lucas' head. "Eliott, are you jealous?” Lucas asks with his mouth open in a half smile.

"Yes." Eliott answers him honestly one second after Lucas throws the question.

Honesty, communication, time, shit, whatever he has to do, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. He wasn't going to hide what he felt anymore and if he had to put up with Lucas making fun of him then so be it. Silly? Maybe so, but it was true. He was jealous, of what? God knows, of everything and everyone because everything and everyone could be with Lucas except him.

But Lucas' laugh never came. Instead, the boy tilts his face even with that half-smile that makes Eliott's stomach turn a thousand times inside him and those blue eyes that even behind a computer screen you could see the brightness hidden in them. A whole life behind that blue that is so hard to capture.

"Of what?" Lucas asks him slowly.

Eliott shrugs his shoulders and turns his gaze away from those blue eyes to any point in Lucas' room. "I don't know, it's silly."

"It is not." Lucas assures him, slowly denying. "It's hard, yes, that we're far away and can't be together, but I haven't been with anyone since I got back to New York.”

Eliott turns his gaze to where Lucas is. Drooping shoulders, still bowed face, glossy lips and a touch of blush that was not there before. Eliott feels his own face tighten as he moves around the bed, arranging his laptop to leave it on the bed.

"That's about five months." Eliott calculates quickly, earning this time a Lucas grin.

"Five _long_ months." He tells him in a way so heavy and slow that Eliott could feel his sternum shrinking, cutting off the work of his lungs.

"I don't believe you."

"Believe me." Lucas assures him at the same time that he curls his nose leaving his elbow on his knee and his cheek on the first of his hand.

"I haven't been with anyone after you either.” Eliott confesses to him. Suddenly all the force that was compressing his chest was released, allowing his breathing to return to normal.

And through the screen Lucas lets out a sigh as well as a wide smile full of so much relief. Eliott smiles too, at least the two of them were feeling the same at that moment.

"You don't know what a relief that gives me.” Lucas says to him in a joking tone.

Eliott cannot stop his laughter before it comes out of the depths of his chest, while slowly denying.

"Lucas." He tries to make his tone sound firmer, but ends up losing it when Lucas puts his two hands on his chest in an exaggerated expression of relief.

Lucas also laughs a little and then drops his feet to his computer giving Eliott a soft smile that goes through his skin and settles into his heart as it runs through his body like his veins will carry nothing but that warm feeling of love.

"I don't want to be with anyone but you." Lucas tells him, raising his eyebrows upward, in an expression that Eliott could read as: 'Incredible, but it's true'. "I don't want to have sex with anyone but you and I'm _dying_ to have sex with you.”

Eliott feels his jaw slackening until he falls.

"I just want to have sex with you!" Lucas repeats again with more force as if Eliott could understand the words better this way.

"Oh my God! So much information." Idriss screams in complaint across the hall from his room.

Well, maybe Lucas had said it a little louder than he should have and even when Idriss swears that he is not good at English, Eliott always suspected that he was saying it out of pity or laziness of speaking it, but at least he just checked that his friend has a very good sense of hearing.

"What was that?" Lucas asks him.

"Idriss." Eliott responds to him, but cannot help but laugh at the expression of horror on Lucas' face. "I don't think he likes you very much right now."

"He and your neighbors." Lucas declares with all the defeat in his voice Eliott nods slowly in response as a joke.

"And the list can grow."

"Hey." Lucas complains, but his laughter completely destroys any attempt to look upset. They both laugh some more before Lucas wets his pink lips and Eliott can see his head again working full throttle to find some easy way around.

"Eliott," Lucas begins to say, getting his attention. "I want us to be a couple."

It takes Eliott a little longer than it should to process that information. It was too strange because in all his life until now that word: boyfriend and girlfriend, was never something that made him feel different. It was just a title, a word, a person, and it had always been Lucille as usual since he had started high school so he believed all that time that she was his girlfriend forever, but now that he is with Lucas it is so different. That word makes him smile more than he should, makes his heart skip a beat and the heat on his cheeks go too high. It was so silly to get excited about a word, it was too juvenile and absurd considering all that the two of them have lived through together, but it still made him so happy. It made him feel complete.

"We?" Eliott manages to ask after finding some words to say.

Lucas laughs a little, holding his hands out to the side and asking questions in sarcasm. "Is there another Eliott here? Yes, you and I." He laughs a little.

Eliott loves to see him like that, so relaxed, happy, free to be himself. Although he suspected that Lucas enjoyed doing that, making him laugh, and the truth is that it didn't bother him.

"I think five months was enough for us to take the step that follows friends.” Lucas tells him at the same time that he goes up and down his shoulders in a bad performance of indifference. It was more like he was talking about the chances of rain than something as important as that small-big step in their relationship

"Wow." Eliott surprised by making Lucas roll his eyes with that permanent smile on his lips. "How romantic."

The two laugh a little more until Lucas sighs again and Eliott bites his lower lip even hiding that huge smile that is slipping away between the corners of his lips.

"I know we still have a lot to work on.” Lucas tells him seriously and also with such confidence that Eliott couldn't help but feel proud of how much Lucas had progressed in those weeks. "We have to keep being open and growing together, but we've been doing so well.”

Eliott nods in agreement. There were many things that had changed so far, not really for Eliott, but more for Lucas. Having made peace with his mother, Harve and even himself. Learning to take care of himself, maintain a good routine, and even when he loses his way, going off the deep end once or twice every few years. Sleeping, eating, talking, all is making a change in Lucas that perhaps the younger boy hadn't seen or didn't want to see yet, but that Eliott couldn't help but notice.

"I want to be your boyfriend too." Eliott tells him with complete honesty trying to put everything he was feeling at that moment. Emotion, happiness, joy, everything turned inside him causing his smile to grow on his face. "I want you to be mine."

Lucas laughs in a way that makes his eyes look like two crescents. It's a full smile that makes his whole face light up and look much younger.

"That's good because sex is included in the package. That's the best part." Lucas declares, causing Eliott's mouth to open again in response.

"What?" Eliott asks indignantly. "Did you ask me to be your boyfriend just to have sex?"

Lucas laughs and manages to answer after recovering his posture. "Of course, why else? Believe me, it's been five months too long and my hand hasn't given me much relief.”

Eliott lets out a small unconscious gasp of surprise when he hears those words and moves the computer a little away from him.

"Lucas, you can't tell me that now."

Eliott tells him in a serious voice that he intended to be a scold, but Lucas just rolls his eyes in response. "Why not?" Lucas rises and drops his shoulders. "We are in a relationship now."

"Wait."

Eliott gets up from his bed where he had been sitting and even lying down during his entire conversation with Lucas. He comes to the door and turns his face to either side expecting to meet Idriss, but the boy was still across the hall in his room. Eliott guessed that Idriss was hearing music with his headphones or he was sleeping already, but he still wasn't going to run that risk, so he carefully closed the door and returned to his original position.

"Why did you close the door?" Lucas asks him when he gets back on the white mattress. "Eliott Demaury, do you want to have sex with me on video call?"

Lucas's eyebrow is raised a little and his eyes are looking at him in that bold way that Eliott can swear he can feel a strong heat coming from his chest projecting down his face until it is completely covered.

"You started it." Eliott tells him with a half-shy smile. God, why was it like this with Lucas? Why did it feel like something new every time he had to be with him? "Don't you want to?"

Lucas's eyes open a little before he starts to nod quickly with a big smile on his face.

"You better not change your mind and make yourself comfortable." He threatens him and suddenly Eliott loses all visibility of Lucas while the camera is being overshadowed by the boy's blue shirt until Eliott, could guess, had also settled into his own bed by leaving the computer next to his body and he was lying on his side resting his head on one hand.

"I have never done this."

"Neither do I." Lucas confesses to him. "But you're going to do well."

"How do you know?" Eliott raises his face to find a vision of Lucas' hand hidden in the bottom of his shirt.

"You never shut up when we have sex."

Lucas tells him with a mocking smile and Eliott laughs, slowly shaking his head.

"Can you take off that shirt, please, you're making me nervous." Eliott asks Lucas, having him stop his slow movements by lifting his body up to pull off his shirt and expose his skin which makes a perfect contrast to the afternoon light. Eliott has to hit himself mentally so as not to distract you. "You would never have asked me to be a couple if I hadn't brought that up, would you?"

Lucas laughs softly and then tries to hide his little smile, which is so obvious that Eliott finds it adorable. "Do you see why we are soulmates? You do half the work and I do the other half.”

"Idiot." Eliott rolls his eyes as well as Lucas had done before and moves the computer to the side trying to accommodate him in the best way.

"Eliott."

Lucas calls him, but Eliott is too busy following the slow descent of one of Lucas' hands to the top of his pants.

"What?"

Lucas laughs again before answering. "You should put on some headphones... for Idriss' sake."

* * *

The last days of November were a complete dream for him. His whole routine remained the same except for one small detail that he had discussed with Lucas before and that, in fact, he insisted he deserved all the credit and that he was waiting, impatiently, to be mentioned in the thank your speech when he received his first Oscar for best foreign film director or whatever but that, even if his name was mentioned one or ten thousand times more in front of an international camera. Eliott had been nervous at first at the idea of going to college and it wasn't even anything but studying what he had been wanting most for years. Film. It was an enormous feeling of nervousness, but at the same time it filled him with so much illusion that it was impossible for Eliott to ignore that this was what he had to do. That was his destiny. He was going to graduate and become and do what he loved most in the world, well, maybe the second thing because the first had been made clear many times before.

With the end of November came the entry of December, the last steps of the year, which felt so fast. Much faster than the whole year in general. And along with that marathon of days came the moments that Eliott never imagined would come.

He always spent Christmas Eve with his father. Neither of them had much skill in cooking, a heritage that Eliott always reproached his father for, but as the years went by and because of the little help from Eliott's mother, his father had to learn to feed them both. At first it was through old recipe books that he found in some second-hand bookstore or leaves that were hidden in boxes in the corner of the closet. Thus, little by little, Eliott's father learned to never burn the soup again. Yes, the soup. It was a headache to clean that pan, but in the end it was a little decent after the little accident. And soon all that paper stuff evaporated with the arrival of the Internet, and even though Eliott no longer lived with his father, he still insisted that Eliott visit him from time to time with the excuse of some new dish to try and approve.

So, like every year, Eliott went to visit his father while sharing some text messages with Lucas, who was with his own family waiting to see all that Harve was going to devour in one night. And in the middle of the night, when his father discovered him again smiling at his cell phone after receiving a message and after his second and last glass of wine, his father threw him a question that he must have been waiting for.

"How's Lucille?" Those were his exact words. A sentence he had heard before but this time it made the blood in his body freeze completely.

Eliott swallowed slowly before answering and going straight to the point. "I'm not with her anymore."

Too direct, but it was the best, wasn't it?

His father only frowned a little but said nothing. The two of them already knew where this conversation was headed. It was the same one where Eliott explained to him that it was all over and where his father was trying - or so he had done at first - to understand the situation. But this time Eliott went ahead by a long way, ran so hard and jumped over that wall, which surrounded his father, before it was too late. Before that wall was much higher than he was and it was impossible to knock it down.

"I'm dating someone else." Eliott tells his father by looking down at the empty glass in front of him. "His name is Lucas."

The silence rose like a long ocean in front of the two of them, separating them completely, it was so uncomfortable that Eliott decided it was best to fill it until its distance became shorter. Until he felt that he was close enough to his father for him to hear him clearly.

"I met him a few months ago. It wasn't really the romantic encounter you'd see in the movies.” He can't help but smile a little when he remembers that hot day in mid-June. "We didn't start out on the best of terms, but we got to know each other and I liked what I found with him so much, I liked being by his side. Every day with him was a new adventure, it still is." Eliott raises his face, meeting his father's concentrated face. "I like him a lot, dad. And at another time I would have asked you to forgive my feelings, I still feel deep inside that I need to apologize, but I'm not going to. I'm not going to apologize for loving him, because I'm not sorry for doing it".

His father takes a deep breath and looks down, and Eliott can see him closing his eyes. He knows that expression that makes his face look fuller of wrinkles, more tired, older.

"I'm not asking you to accept it, but please, please respect my decision." Eliott asks him, carefully following each of his father's slow chest movements.

Inhale, exhale, Eliott remembers himself.

And when he finally felt he could breathe more normally. When the weight on his chest felt lighter and lighter, his father suddenly got up from the table leaving him alone in that much smaller, cooler and darker looking kitchen.

It was difficult to get up and go to bed. It was even harder to close the eyes. He stayed up until three o'clock in the morning waiting for some message from Lucas, and when it arrived, he called him. He didn't close his eyes until five in the morning. He did not sleep until after telling Lucas in the silence of his old room what had happened that night at dinner with his father. And Lucas listened to him carefully. Eliott was grateful to him for not saying the typical words that everyone would use when they have nothing to say. Lucas just listened to him and told him that he was very proud of him for being honest with his father. Even in the darkness of the night, that was enough to ease the knot in his chest and allow him to sleep.

The next morning was strange. His father hadn't left his room when Eliott went out to get something to eat, something he won't remember ever happening because his father had always made him breakfast even when he was very old. His father always sneaked around the kitchen with the excuse of looking for something to drink, although secretly Eliott knew it was to supervise that he didn't burn down the apartment. He didn't see his father until after ten o'clock in the morning - when he was seriously evaluating whether or not he should leave, but he remembered the night before and Lucas's words, which filled him with enough courage not to pack his things and run away. Both ate in a strangled silence that made it difficult for Eliott to drink his juice normally without his tongue feeling uncomfortable in his mouth.

"I'm going to the supermarket later." His father began to address him. "Don't you want me to buy you something?”

And Eliott knew that was it. That everything was going to be like all those times he had told him that his relationship with Lucille was over. He was going to ignore Eliott's own words and pretend that nothing had happened.

"No." Eliott tells him after swallowing the small knot in his throat that it is beginning to form.

His father gets up from his chair and walks to the dishwasher where he leaves his empty breakfast plates. Eliott bites his lower lip hard, fearing for a few seconds that he might hurt himself, but how much more damage could he already do?

"Dad, about last night..." Eliott says he looks up to find those gray eyes that the two of them shared.

"Give me some time." And Eliott saw it. He saw the way his father lowered his eyes and how his eyes looked lost in that cold sky, and maybe that tiredness was something different. A battle that they had fought for years but that now could be clearly seen to be defeated. "I just need time; can I ask you that?"

Eliott nods slowly, not feeling confident that he can speak at that moment.

Maybe that wall collapsed after all. Maybe after all this time everything could be better.

* * *

Just like Christmas, Eliott maintained the tradition of spending New Year's Eve with his friends. Every year they would gather at Eliott and Idriss' apartment to prepare themselves, drink for two hours by themselves before going to a bar together and keep drinking and celebrating until the clock struck midnight to start a new beginning. Eliott spoke to Lucas on the phone a few minutes before he was dragged off by his friends into the cold December night.

Emma peeked out of his bedroom door looking for him when Eliott was talking to Lucas about his plans for the evening. From afar Idriss' voice shouted a warning that for her sake it was better not to enter that room, but Emma ignored him completely and soon Eliott's cell phone was slipping from hand to hand, friend and friend greeting Lucas, wishing him a happy new year, sending good wishes or asking that he return urgently to Paris to take Eliott away or even better, make an exchange in the style of The Parent Trap. That was Arthur's idea and everyone seemed to agree with the plan. When he finally got his cell phone back, the first thing that came into his ear was the sound of Lucas' laughter and that gave him enough energy to leave the apartment and celebrate the end of the year with his group of friends.

After the countdown, jumps, hugs, kisses, drinks, after the big hand of the clock slipped slowly over the number twelve, Eliott wrote to Lucas, but he did not answer. He assumed the boy was busy.

He didn't receive any more messages from Lucas until after 5 a.m. when the sound of his cell phone vibrating in his pants pocket woke him up.

"Hello?" Eliott says as he turns over his body with his back to the mattress.

" _Sorry, I woke you up_." Lucas apologizes and Eliott can read that concern. He could almost swear that Lucas is biting his lip with his eyebrows joined in a tight line.

"No." Eliott yawns a little, extending his arms upward trying to stay awake. "You didn't."

The truth is that Eliott couldn't remember what time he had returned, perhaps a little after three in the morning when all his friends began to say goodbye and Idriss fought with the plan of having to take his girlfriend and best friend to his apartment. One fell into his arms and others acted like a sixty-year-old retired man who was already past his bedtime.

" _Liar_." Lucas laughs quietly. " _You always tell me that when I call you late_.”

"I don't mind you waking me up." Eliott tells him in all honesty, letting a faint smile pull the corners of his mouth. "I like to listen to you."

Another low laugh from Lucas that comes with an arrow straight into Eliott's heart. " _I just wanted to wish you a happy new year_.”

"Is it already twelve o'clock there?" Eliott asks him.

Lucas hums a little before answering with a, " _No, there are still a few minutes left_.”

"You're still in the past, how come?” Eliott tells him in a joking tone by opening his eyes a little and looking to the side of the room where the sky is still dark.

Lucas lets out a snort and Eliott could swear he felt his eyes rolling from the other side of the line. " _Your joke is a little old, don't you have something else?_ "

"No."

" _Do you lose your sense of humor at twenty-six?_ " Lucas jokes by making Eliott laugh a little before he is interrupted by a silent yawn.

"Don't make fun. It won't be funny anymore when you get to this age.” Eliott tells him a little seriously, but Lucas only laughs again, causing the fluttering in Eliott's stomach to only accelerate.

" _How was your night?_ " Lucas asks him.

Eliott raises and lowers his shoulders in response even though he cannot see it. "Like every year. So many drunks to look after."

" _You didn't drink?_ "

"No, and I'm not asking you because I already know that.”

" _Hey._ " Lucas complains in a higher than normal tone of voice. " _Just a little._ "

“Where are you?" Eliott dares to ask with curiosity.

Lucas lets out a sigh from the other side of the line. " _At a party, but don't ask me whose it is because I have no idea._ "

"Bored?"

Lucas hums, again, in an answer that Eliott was able to interpret as a statement. " _A little bit. I did drink, but I don't know, I didn't feel like being there_."

Eliott knew that feeling. How many times had he not felt so out of place among his group of friends? They were small moments, maybe minutes or even hours where he just wanted to get up and leave, breathe some air and spend some time with himself without having to fake any kind of feeling or having to think of some kind of answer to his friend's next question or comment. It was exhausting to have to pretend even more when your heart and mind are not where they belong. And Eliott had an idea of where those Lucas' things were in, and maybe he was a little bit to blame for that.

"So you're hiding?" Eliott asks him jokingly.

Eliott can hear a little groaning from Lucas. He could visualize it clearly as if it were in front of him. His freshly cut hair perhaps a bit disheveled by the celebration of the night, his half smile on his lips, his lowered eyes watching his feet as he walks back and forth and his arm hugging his waist. And Eliott's desire to be at Lucas's side grew again and grew stronger as it did every time they spoke.

" _No one will notice my absence._ " Lucas responds with what Eliott could hear a low laugh.

"Did you have something more important to do?"

" _Yep. I had to call my boyfriend before twelve o'clock and then call my other guy when the first one was sleeping_.” Lucas says in a joking tone with a clear wide smile on his lips that Eliott can feel from where he is.

Eliott laughs softly, denying and turning his body, lying on his side. He couldn't even take off his clothes from the tiredness. It didn't bother him, but the smell of Emma's perfume was too strong on his shirt as were all the smells that could remind him of the party.

" _One minute._ " Lucas remembers him and Eliott closes his eyes, staying awake listening to Lucas' slow breathing fall on the cell phone.

"Something you want to do at your last minute of the year?" Eliott asks him quietly, absorbing that moment between the two of them. A moment that later, between his gray days, he will be able to return and make him feel better.

" _No_." Lucas answers him also in a whisper. " _I just want to be with you_."

One of the corners of Eliott's lips rises a little in a weak smile and his body shrinks on the mattress while that feeling of infinite happiness runs through every corner of him in a warm embrace.

"I am here with you." Eliott assures him. "I will always be by your side, Lucas."

Both remained silent enjoying each other's company as they had been doing for a few months now and also waited until it was time. Until any kind of distance in time disappeared, as if in that way also the earthly distance would be completely erased. On the other side of the line, where Lucas was, Eliott heard the loud singing that he and his friends had already done a few hours ago and along with it came the noise, the shouting, the music, the happiness, the hope, the euphoria, the love, everything that Eliott wanted to have done with Lucas before and now.

" _Happy New Year, my love._ "

Lucas says in a low voice with a clear shy smile on his lips and that tone full of so much love that Eliott cannot help but smile as he opens his eyes and hopes to see Lucas in front of him, so that he too would feel that same feeling of love that he has experienced since the day he met him.

"Happy New Year, Lu."

And with that they stayed. With that little promise floating around them.

* * *

He must have seen it coming. It's supposed to be a little easier to detect after all these, isn't it? It's supposed to be, but it wasn't. The whole situation caught him completely off guard like a storm breaking over him without warning. No nine grays, no lightning, no drops, just the cold shower soaking from head to toe without giving him a chance to run away.

And maybe there were signs, but he ignored them until it was too late. Until he found himself in the deep end unable to do anything else. He fell from the highest point of the Iceberg and had no time to call for help. He couldn't even remember when he had last spoken to Lucas or even where his cell phone was. He knew he had to give him an explanation, but what was he going to say? And even the thought of talking to him was exhausting. What was the point? Sooner or later he was going to ruin everything. It was just a matter of Lucas realizing that Eliott wasn't good for him.

Eliott perceived the sound of the door behind him opening slowly. He hoped that it was Idriss who was coming to drop off something for him to eat or to ask if he needed anything, but his friend's voice never came. Instead he heard a few slow steps to the other side of the bed where he was buried under the sheets with half his head hidden. And then the weight of the mattress changed, sinking a little and the smell he perceived was not that of his friend.

He opens his eyes, leaving them squinted, and blinks a couple of times trying to clear the weight on his eyelids and all the things that Eliott had expected to find, including Idriss, Imane or even Emma who had never dared to see him in this state, Eliott could not believe what was in front of him.

"Lucas? What are you doing here?”

Those blue sky eyes, that he had wanted so much to capture its color, but it was impossible, he was seeing them with much attention.

Eliott blinks again, feeling his frown grow.

Those lips, which he had been dreaming of being able to touch again, were drawn in a relaxed straight line.

Eliott slides his hand under the sheets, making his way to where Lucas's is, resting in front of him, but he does not take his hand in place and extend it to touch his cheek, passing his thumb slowly over his cheekbone and outlining his bones with such patience.

"Sh. Rest, here I am." Lucas says to him in a whisper.

There it was. Facing him a few inches away lying on his side looking at him with that pale glow and delicacy that made Eliott want to touch him, but fatigue was winning him back, and he did what Lucas had told him to do. He closed his eyes and surrendered again to the deep sleep of the one who had been a slave for those last days.

And Lucas kept his word. Every time Eliott opened his eyes there he was at his side. Sometimes Eliott thought it was a dream, but when Lucas touched his face, left a short kiss on his forehead or hugged him in the middle of his dreams, Eliott was relieved that everything was real. And when he woke up and Lucas was not with him, he would close his eyes again, hoping to meet him again next time.

The days continued to crawl until one morning Eliott woke up with a pain in his stomach from his evident lack of proper food in the last few days. He got out of bed a little more easily. The corner of the curtain was moved a bit allowing a little lighter into the room making it easier for Eliott to see where he was walking. After taking a long shower that provided his muscles with a bit of relaxation he returned to his room putting on a new change of clean clothes and also found his cell phone that was out of battery hidden in his nightstand drawer. And when he charged it, something caught his attention across the room.

There, where he had kept each of the photos he had taken of Lucas a few months ago. After his stomach protested with much determination that he was hungry, Eliott went into the kitchen to get something to eat, but upon entering he found Lucas leaning across the kitchen drinking his coffee with a blank stare fixed somewhere in front of him. Lucas turns his face to meet Eliott and gives him a little smile by moving his head to the side.

"There's coffee if you want it." Lucas offers him, and Eliott simply advances to the other side of the kitchen taking the coffee pot and pouring himself some coffee, but halfway through making his drink he stops. He could feel Lucas' gaze on top of him, watching him in silence and it was starting to get a little uncomfortable for him. So leaving the cup on the kitchen table, he turned around throwing out the question that had been going around in his head since Lucas returned.

"What are you doing here?” He asks him. Eliott leans over the furniture, leaving his hands tightly clutching the wooden edge and raising his face until he finds Lucas's blue eyes, which look much clearer, calm and even a little bit safe.

Eliott envied that feeling for a few seconds. God knows how much he needs to feel this stable and how much he wishes he could give that to Lucas, but right now he feels like a buoy lost in the infinite ocean.

Lucas shrugs before responding. "You didn't answer my messages."

Eliott slowly denies, letting out a small sigh and looking down again at where his bare feet are on the cold ground. "You didn't have to come."

"I was worried about you." Lucas says to him quietly, almost in a whisper like a prayer uttered at the most delicate and necessary moments, but he soon recovers, speaking more clearly so that Eliott can hear him. "I thought something had happened to you and I wanted to come and see you.”

Eliott continues to deny, but this time he can feel his own hands squeezing his grip on the wood cutting off any circulation to his fingers.

"No, you didn't have to give up your whole life for me. Eliott tells him decisively. With the little firmness that was beginning to fill his body. "You can't do that every time you're going to have an episode."

It wasn't fair for Lucas to have to leave his life behind and run away every time Eliott's head decided it was time to stop functioning properly. It didn't have to be that way. Lucas couldn't put Eliott above his own responsibilities and Eliott wasn't going to let him. He wasn't going to allow Lucas's life to change, shape, or even completely destroy itself because of him. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

"So what am I supposed to do?” Lucas asks him with an obvious tone of voice that is more scathing and angry, forcing Eliott to raise his face and find those same eyes that had been so peaceful before, but now had that dark, angry tone. "To go on as if nothing had happened? To pretend I don't care? To be counting the hours since I last had a message from you?” Lucas asks him, stepping away from the kitchen island to the side where Eliott is. "No, I can't do that."

"I don't want you to feel obligated.” Eliott tells him as honestly as possible, trying to make Lucas see how hard it was for him to say those words.

The burden of confessing his true feelings about his condition, but Lucas simply took another step toward him with his gaze running across his face with that patience and love with which he had been watching him since he arrived at his apartment.

"You are not an obligation." Lucas contradicts him by staying less than a meter away from him.

Eliott swallows slowly lowering his gaze again feeling how all the shame is materializing more and more inside him making it impossible to see him in the eyes.

"I don't want your life to change because of me.”

Eliott hears a small sigh coming from where Lucas is before he feels his hands around his neck rubbing against his jaw.

"You are not an obligation. If I'm here it's because I want to be. I want to be able to be by your side. Look at me" Lucas says softly. He raises his hands to hollow the sides of his face by moving it slightly until he turns his head to meet his gaze. "Eliott, you are not a burden, never believe that because you are not. You are my boyfriend. You're the guy who helped me when I was feeling lost. You're the guy who listened to me when I needed it most. You're the guy who taught me how to enjoy coffee and sometimes tea. You're the guy who memes me when I'm stressed. You're the guy who no matter what time it is always answers the call, even if it's just to talk for five minutes. The guy I fell in love with. And I know there's not much I can do to make you better, but I want to be here. By your side."

Lucas tilts his head a little bit, giving Eliott a short smile that he can't quite return. He wishes he could, that he could hug and kiss him, that he could believe his every word, but it is difficult. It is so hard to accept that someone like Lucas is standing in front of him saying that. He doesn't want to ruin him.

Not this. This cannot end badly.

"I want to be able to give you back, even if it's just a little bit of all that love you give me every day, and if I have to stop the fucking world for a week, that's the way it's going to be.” Lucas continues to tell her by letting the smile on his lip widen completely.

And Eliott can't help but smile a little, just a little as he slowly nods his head, bringing his own hands into Lucas's arms and hugging them.

"You are so stubborn, sometimes." Eliott declares, earning a little laugh from Lucas before releasing his face by taking a step backwards.

"You provoke me, sometimes.” Lucas' smile fades, but even in the corner of his lips there is a little tremor that gives away his happiness. He crosses his arms over his chest in a defensive position with his angry look. "I was so happy drinking my coffee until you had to come with your tantrums.”

"Sorry." Eliott apologizes by lowering his lower lip, tilting his face a little, and extending his arms until his hands meet Lucas's waist, pushing his body into his own. "I'm sorry."

He keeps apologizing, but Lucas just rolls his eyes without erasing that exasperating expression. "I can't believe I had to move up my trip for you to receive me like this.

Eliott who was concentrating on lowering his face until his lips met the soft skin of Lucas' neck and perhaps distracting him from his bad mood, but suddenly stops by returning to his original position with him a clear frown on his lower forehead.

"Forward?" Eliott asks him in doubt. "Were you going to come?"

"Yes.” Lucas responds by slowly nodding and dropping his shoulders. "It was to surprise you... I was accepted to the university here."

Eliott drops his hands that were resting on Lucas's waist, bringing one of them up to his hair and slowly passing it around as his mind tries to process what Lucas just told him.

Here. Here? Where was that? Here in Paris? Here in France? Here in Europe? What?

"What?" Eliott could feel his frown only deepening every time his brain threw a question at him. Lucas stood there with one hand caressing his biceps as a sign of nervousness. "But you told me you didn't know you wanted to study for your master's degree.”

"I lied to you." Lucas says with a weak little smile that appears on his lips. That same smile that would be given by a little boy who has just been caught doing one of the worst pranks of all. "I applied at a university here about three months ago while I was looking for a lab that has an available position.”

It was taking a little time for Eliott to process all that information, but that didn't matter. Not when there was a possibility, one of an unknown size, but a possibility that Lucas could be by his side forever.

"¿And?"

Lucas makes a small grimace with his lip curling a little to one side. "I haven't been called yet, but otherwise we're fine."

Eliott forces himself to shake his head a bit, trying, again, to put some order into his ideas. How was that possible? Were the days of long waits for a message, calls in the middle of the night or video calls on the weekends over? Would I be able to kiss, hug, talk to Lucas whenever he wanted without 3625 miles separating them?

Eliott feels that his smile is slowly getting bigger and bigger. He can almost fear that his face might split in two, but he doesn't care. "You are going to come here." He whispers slowly, fearing that he might ruin the atmosphere between them. Fearing that Lucas may hear him and tell him that it is not true, that all of the above was a figment of his imagination.

Please don't let it be a dream. Let this be real.

"That's the plan." Lucas nods slowly trying to hide his smile. His cheeks are beginning to turn a pale pink. "If I find someone who wants to share an apartment with me.”

"No." Eliott denies again with his head leading his hands to Lucas' cheeks pushing him a little bit. "It cannot be.”

"It is true.” Lucas laughs low, biting his lower lip.

"I don't believe you." Eliott continues to disagree by lowering his face a little until he is a few inches away from Lucas' lips lining up his noses.

"You're going to have to believe it." Lucas places his hands on his shoulders, sliding his arms around his neck without erasing that smile from his lips. "It's true, Eliott. We are going to be together."

And that's all Eliott needs to close any distance between the two of them and join their lips in a long, slow, paused kiss. A kiss that their only purpose was to enjoy the moment - or moments, in the plural - that they might soon have. There will be hastier, hungry, fierce, wild kisses, but now this is what they wanted. A few seconds when Lucas lures him on his tiptoes and Eliott wraps his arms around him in a way that makes Lucas smile.

It is wonderful. It's amazing how one person can make you feel like you're floating above it all, but at the same time be on your knees, at the mercy, of their desires.

The kiss is interrupted when neither of them can contain their happiness any longer and it is impossible to continue because both are smiling too much. Lucas separates from Eliott, but he is quicker than Lucas and hugs his thighs lifting them enough to leave him sitting on the kitchen island. Lucas laughs in surprise leaving his hands on Eliott's shoulders and his face leaning to the side following Eliott's palm resting on his cheek.

"There is something else I have to tell you." Lucas tells him by having Eliott's eyes divert his attention from his face falling into his blue eyes.

"What?" Eliott asks him with a half-smile. "Are you going to change your name or something?"

"No." Lucas laughs again, denying, looking down at his lap before lifting him up and answering him. "Remember those classes and parties I used to go to at night?"

"No! Did you get a tattoo with my name on it?” Eliott keeps joking, causing Lucas to roll his eyes in response.

"Can I continue?" Lucas asks him and Eliott nods hoping that the younger boy will continue to talk. "They were French classes. I've been learning for a few months now.

"You speak French now?" Eliott asks him by raising his eyebrow a little closer to him, leaving his hands at the sides of Lucas' body.

"A little bit." Lucas goes up and down his shoulders. His cheeks became a more intense red pink.

"Just a little?" Eliott asks again, leaving a short kiss in the corner of his lips.

Lucas hums in response by leaning forward making his lips meet Eliott's in another slow kiss that with the passing of the seconds became a little stronger and more open allowing their tongues to join in a slow dance that made Lucas jump a little bit pushing his body more against Eliott's.

"You're going to have to bear with me." Lucas mumbled breathlessly after they separated a bit to get their air back.

Eliott smiles weakly without clearing his eyes of Lucas' pink and slightly swollen lips. The part he had missed most about him, was it possible to need someone's kisses so much that way?

"All that my body can bear." Eliott jokes that he's getting a snort from Lucas. "I hope you don't end up getting bored of either the city or me."

Lucas runs his hand through Eliott's hair, moving away some locks that fall on his forehead covering part of his eyes.

"Impossible." He murmurs to him again with a small smile that is interrupted by a kiss as fiery as the previous one.

A kiss that was making it difficult for Eliott to think clearly. That's what it all came down to. To Lucas, to him, that kiss, his hands hugging each other, his breasts joined in such a way that Eliott could hear the beats of the two dancing in synchrony, Lucas' legs embracing his waist, the smell of freshly shaved Lucas, his hands warm from the coffee cup and his thin gray shirt that allowed his hands to feel his skin as if there was nothing separating them.

"Oh my god! Please!"

Idriss' voice came from the other side of the table causing both of them to cut their kisses off by turning their faces around to meet their friend who is running his hand over his head with a frown so hard that it is impossible to see their eyes clearly.

"They have a room in perfect condition there." Idriss complains as he approaches one of the drawers where the soup plates are kept.

And it all happened without warning. If Eliott could go back in time and see it from the outside, outside his body, it would surely be quite a spectacle. It would be something that he would have liked to record and keep in the back of his head to play as many times as he wanted. The minute he was trapped between Lucas' legs with his face turned to Idriss laughing at his friend's annoying comments, the moment Lucas decided to do it, the second Lucas leaned over to him covering his ear with his hand like a child about to tell his friend a secret, the instant the expression of happiness came to a complete halt on his face making him turn to meet the wide smile of that boy for whom he could give his life.

The boy who stole his heart and who until now, has cared for it like a treasure.

The moment when Lucas uttered those precious words that he had not said aloud for months. I love you.

"What did you say?" Eliott asks him trying to pull himself together without being able to take his eyes off of Lucas's.

Lucas' smile is opening up more and more. Idiot, he is enjoying it so much.

"I said _je t'aime_." Lucas pronounces that word slowly as if he were savoring each letter giving Eliott all the time he needs to hear them. "I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I love you sounds as general as someone saying they love ham and cheese pizza or an album that has been released by their favorite band so..."

Lucas begins to wander quickly but before he can continue to spit out so many meaningless words, Eliott doesn't miss an opportunity to tilt his face to the side, capturing his lips with Lucas's in a long, deep kiss that Lucas reciprocates in a good way.

"Say it again." Eliott separates himself by whispering over his lips. He wanted to be able to hear it again, to hear him say those words forever.

" _Je t'aime_." Lucas smiles, keeping his eyes closed for a few seconds until he slowly opens them again. " _Je t'aime_ a lot."

Eliott laughs, biting his lower lip and denies with his head, leaving another short kiss on Lucas's lips before they separate. "We can work with that accent." He tells him in a joking tone making Lucas push his chest with his hand.

"Enough." Lucas makes a little pout with his lips that Eliott can't resist wanting to kiss. "It was one of the first three sentences I learned."

He leans forward wanting to kiss him again, but stops. "Which other three?"

"I learned to say I am poor, but I remembered that there is a law of attraction so I learned to say I am rich.” Eliott can't help but laugh at that logic and Lucas ignores it by continuing his explanation. "So when I need a discount I can say I'm poor but when I need the universe to help me I just say the opposite.”

"What a fool." Eliott declares with his half-smile, bringing his face closer to Lucas's, but before they can immerse themselves in another kiss, Lucas walks away.

"Hey, I saw the pictures." Lucas says quietly and Eliott could have sworn he was looking a little shy in his eyes, but no. There is no way Lucas is going to feel ashamed of him.

"What were you doing going through my stuff?" Eliott asks him, raising his eyebrow upward.

Lucas rolls his eyes as he notices his expression squinting. "It was a complete accident."

"Aha, yes, of course." Eliott mentions in a tone of voice with a clear note of sarcasm "If by accident the drawer was opened and the pictures flew out."

Lucas can't help it anymore and lets out a laugh leaving his white teeth exposed making him carry his hand covering his lips. "I swear to you. You should ask a shepherd to keep an eye on your room.” Lucas jokes.

Eliott takes a lock of Lucas' hair by pulling it back and leaving it clipped behind his ear. "So."

"And you didn't take a picture of any painting." It was Lucas' turn to ask the serious questions. "They were all pictures of me."

It was true. And Eliott wasn't going to deny it either, Lucas had already seen the photos and the truth is that he didn't regret what he had done that day. The day he had gotten up before Idriss and all his friends to avoid those birthday greetings by simply wanting the hours to pass so he could meet Lucas. The hours at work became so long, impossible to get through. As if the hand of the clock could read his thoughts and was playing some kind of trick he didn't know. And when he finally had it in front of him. A few steps away, Lucas with his blue shirt that highlighted his big eyes and light skin, his hair that always managed to stay in place, his hands that had embraced him so much the day before and his lips that had accepted him with such enthusiasm. It was impossible not to see him, not to touch him, not to want to kiss every part of him and tell him how much he loved him, how much he wanted to be by his side, how much he dreamed every night that the hours would run to see him again. It was difficult, it was a punishment to hold back from saying or doing so much, so he had to settle for that. To see him. With outlining the curve of his lip every time he smiled in every picture, with capturing that gleam in his eyes every time he tried to make him feel comfortable in front of the camera and with recording the sound of his laughter every time he ran his hand through his brown hair trying to hide how much he was enjoying it.

The most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

At that time, it was as close but as far away as one of those museum paintings, but now it's not. Now I was there trapped in his arms giving him that look he knew so well.

Now he had had it and there was no strength in the world to let him go again.

"There was something more interesting than those paintings.” Eliott tells him, causing a smile to appear on Lucas's lips that gradually grows larger. He approaches Lucas again, wanting to kiss him once and for all. He wanted to delight in those lips that were calling him.

"How strange you are." Lucas slowly declares his denial, breaking away again and making Eliott lower his shoulders in a sigh. "And also note that we didn't take a photo at the Eiffel Tower."

"There was something more interesting to do." Eliott jokingly mentions without being able to avoid smiling too. To be honest, he hadn't realized that detail, but thinking about it, there was something much more interesting to do at that moment. Something he would like to do again.

"You could go again." Lucas suggests.

Eliott hums in approval, holding his hand up to Lucas' cheek. "Yes, I promise not to be distracted this time."

Lucas slowly denies, approaching him and following Eliott's lips with his gaze. "Liar." Lucas finally declares in a half-smile that he is finally caught by Eliott's lips in a long, deep kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of this penultimate chapter? You can let me know in the comments and I have some bad news for you. It is likely that there will not be a chapter on Sunday the next week and this is because I finished writing this chapter in early December and the truth is that I was a little tired and also that I was not going to have a vacation at work this year - home office is a real pain in the ass - so I decided to take this month to "rest" and write the last chapter in January. So don't worry that the end will soon be up, but next Sunday will probably not be.
> 
> And as always thank you very much for every comment, kudo, visit and even thank you for taking the time to read this story. I wish you all a good week!


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, finally! I'm sorry this took longer than expected, but I had a hard time editing this chapter so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

What if this is not the right place? Lucas wonders for the fifth time since he arrived at the exit of the boarding area about fifteen minutes ago after taking a cab in a hurry while he was asking inside that the flight had not landed earlier. Lucas pulls his cell phone out of his pants and checks Eliott's message again, telling him the time and the departure number.

Damn it, why did he have to be such a bad boyfriend? First, he didn't consult his calendar properly when Eliott gave him his arrival date and didn't realize they had an appointment with the dean of his school that day. Second, why did he have to drop everything at the last minute? Why did he decide it was a good idea to pay for his graduation until the last day? If he had done everything in time, maybe he wouldn't be right there biting his nails while checking for the sixteenth time that this is the right door.

And on top of that, there's nothing else. He didn't bring flowers, a poster, whatever, when Eliott deserves that and much more. Shit, Eliott deserves the fucking fireworks and the whole Robert Shaw Chorale group if he has to.

Lucas is jumping on his feet raising his body as best he can to see over the people that are waiting for the departure of the passengers and that's when he spots him. That's when Lucas knows he could find him anywhere, just as he did a few months ago and now it was impossible not to see him. It was impossible not to see his light brown hair which could sometimes be as golden as the sun but which always remains unkempt in that unconcerned but perfectly placed manner. It was impossible to miss that tall figure bent slightly forward with his hands clinging too urgently to his suitcase resting on his shoulders, and above all there is that face. That fine structure, with straight and sharp jaws where sometimes it can become soft or rough to the touch. His eyebrows, the same color as his hair, perfectly frame those gray eyes that can come to confuse you; greens, grays, blues, of all possible colors, but maintaining that warm feeling of being observed and listened to with attention.

There he is.

Eliott.

Lucas moves forward, making his way through the people to where his boyfriend is.

"Eliott!" Lucas manages to call out to him, causing him to turn his face to where he is, and Lucas deciphers the shower of emotions that crosses his face. Confusion, surprise, emotion, happiness, until Eliott begins to slowly deny with the biggest smile that exposes his white teeth and his eyes hidden in crescents.

Lucas continues to walk faster and faster, shortening the distance until he manages to take the last steps before throwing himself into Eliott's arms by bumping his body against his own in a deafening blow that forced Eliott to take a few steps backwards while his arms surrounded him in a strong embrace.

His boyfriend.

Lucas hides his face in Eliott's neck breathing in his scent before moving to meeting those gray eyes for a few moments while one of his hands hides in the back of that silky hair pushing Eliott into a kiss where their lips meet halfway.

A kiss that was too hasty, desperate, disorganized, even a little too much for a public place in the middle of the day, but neither of them cared. Eliott didn't mind the desperate way Lucas hugged his waist with his legs and Lucas didn't mind the looks or the whispers that surrounded them. All that was of little consequence when all he could hear, smell and feel was Eliott. Everything was reduced to Eliott and only Eliott, nothing else.

The love of his life.

The big smiles on their lips started to be an obstacle for the two to continue kissing, but Lucas didn't mind that either. They could continue to kiss later, they had all the time in the world to do that. They didn't have to be apart anymore.

"You're heavier than usual." Eliott jokes when Lucas' feet touch the ground again and he can't help but open his mouth in surprise and then push Eliott's chest away to prevent the boy from kissing him again.

"Fuck you." Lucas tells him with a scowl, making Eliott laugh by pulling him back by his waist until their bodies are only separated by two pieces of clothing. Lucas rolls his eyes, letting himself go and wraps his arms around Eliott's neck. "You are making me regret inviting you.”

Eliott leaves a short kiss on his cheek. "You are not."

It was true. Lucas could say that the first person who he called when the news of his graduation was final was his mother, but he would be lying. He didn't think twice about calling Eliott hysterically as he repeated how much he needed him to be here with him that day and Eliott was quick to say yes. After that, everything happened. Lucas couldn't imagine being separated from him much longer so that's when he made the decision that after graduation he would go with him to Paris. He could spend the rest of the two months that classes were starting at his new university to get to know the city better and it would also be an opportunity for him to start working on his new job earlier than planned.

"I thought you weren't coming." Eliott tells him as he takes a lock of Lucas' hair between his fingers and puts it back.

"I did have things to do and I probably won't graduate..."

“What?" Eliott asks worried Lucas, interrupting him halfway through, causing the younger boy to roll his eyes again with a small smile on his lips.

"Just kidding." Lucas gives him a half-smile that made Eliott's soul literally return to his body in an exaggerated sigh. "I couldn't stand to be a second further away from you."

The smile that appeared on the corner of Eliott's lip was so slow, soft and delicate that Lucas felt his body melt as the glow in those gray eyes watched him so carefully.

"I missed you so much, baby." Eliott says in a whisper letting his foreheads stick together and his noses rub together. Lucas closes his eyes enjoying that moment.

Baby. It was incredible how a single word caused an electric current along his spine to his head, leaving goose bumps in its wake. It was even more amazing how easy it was for both of them to absorb it in moments like these making everything else disappear around them and connecting only in the two of them.

The two of them together.

In just the two of them, and what they are together.

"Don't leave me again, please." Eliott asks him quietly, and Lucas can do nothing but nod slowly, raising his face enough to shorten his distance in a kiss. The kiss in which Lucas tried to say clearly everything he felt, everything he could not find words to express, everything he loved about Eliott, everything he could never say, and everything he hoped he could someday let go of out loud. A much more patient kiss than the first one, which was interrupted because Lucas could not stop repeating the same sentence: "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you" and because Eliott was laughing too much against his lips.

"Come." Lucas steps back, taking Eliott's hand and wrapping it around his own. "We have a lot of catching up to do.”

Eliott, whose cheeks had suddenly taken on a rosier color, let Lucas push him slightly until he followed closely, keeping his hands intertwined.

"I'm glad you came for me.” Eliott confesses to him on his way through the airport back to the gate. "I was already looking at myself lost in New York and I was nothing like Home Alone."

Lucas laughs a little, slowly denying and he can't stop seeing that face, those eyes, those lips, that sound of happiness that was his. Only his.

"I couldn't let you walk around looking like that, you wouldn't last half an hour alone." Lucas states quite confidently, having Eliott raise his eyebrow in a clear question.

"Too French?" Eliott looks down at his clothes quickly, turning his face to Lucas without erasing that questioning expression.

Lucas slowly denies trying to hide his smile. "No." He approaches Eliott again leaving his sides together before rising on his toes leaving a kiss on the corner of Eliott's lips earning the smile on that beautiful face. "Too perfect."

And Lucas allowed himself to enjoy that too, because he could. He could do everything he had been wanting to do with Eliott, he could say all those things he had wanted to say to Eliott, and he could feel all those feelings he had been trying to shut up and ignore for so long.

He could allow love and to be loved.

* * *

The sigh of relief Eliott let out made Lucas's chest vibrate. He ran his hand through the older boy's wet hair, pulling it back and giving him more access to leave a short kiss on the side of his face with a small smile escaping his lips.

After the long trip from the airport to the apartment, neither of them lost much time to make the clothes disappear and go straight to bed. The first time had been so hasty, fast, hungry, needy, the second time was the same lack of control and disorder as the previous one but finally, when both were lying in bed catching their breath and after Eliott made a joke that they should spend much more time apart, a little after that, their third time was so slow, patient, sweet, delicate, kind, too slow that it almost made Lucas's heart leave his body.

And soon the sweat and all the fluids that were sticking to his body became so uncomfortable that it was Lucas' turn to drag Eliott into the bath - which was big enough for the two of them to fit perfectly. That's how they ended up in their current position. With Eliott's head resting on his shoulder, Lucas's chest glued to Eliott's back, his legs tangled to the sides of his body and his hands slowly caressing the spot where the small tattoo was hiding a secret at first sight.

"Are you feeling well?" Lucas asks in a whisper, leaving another kiss at the bottom of his ear.

"Mh." Eliott hums in response by nodding his head a little without opening his eyes. "The idea of floating in our own filth never seemed very romantic to me until now."

"Filth?" Lucas's voice comes out a little higher than he intended with a surprised tone of voice while he moves his head away a little and can see Eliott's relaxed expression better. "Speak for yourself, I do bathe every day."

Eliott laughs softly, making Lucas's chest vibrate again under the sound. "I know. You have a problem with cleanliness."

"I like to smell good." Lucas declares by raising one of his hands to where Eliott's exposed clavicle is located, passing his fingertips over the bone following the line to the hollow of his neck.

Eliott finally opens his eyes to find his deep blues that do not tire of looking at him with as much adoration as possible.

"I like the way you smell.” Eliott says in a hoarse voice that Lucas's body trembles even though he is under warm water.

Lucas smiles a little, letting his lips rise just a little. "That's good to know." His hand ventures up to Eliott's neck pulling a little bit of it and attracting even a short kiss before parting again. "Besides, one of us has to be the organized one, but you're going to be too. I'm not going to live in a mess."

"And what do you plan to do with me?" Eliott asks him curiously, moving in the tub, making small waves in the water around them.

Lucas can't help but hide his smile that is growing his lips at the same time that he feels like one of Eliott's hands that had been resting around his knee is rising until he takes one of his hands interlacing his fingers.

It is so nice and comfortable to be like this, close, united, full of each other with no space to anything but them. He had never, in a million years, imagined that he could ever feel this way with anyone. It might have seemed terrifying to him before, but now there was only so much joy in the fact that he was so lucky to discover love in someone like Eliott.

With Eliott.

"Force you to be more orderly." Lucas finally says in a joking tone managing to steal a smile from Eliott's lips that reached his eyes.

"Do you think you're going to make it?"

Lucas nods slowly. "Yes, it will take time, but it will be possible."

Eliott pulls his joined hands from under the hot water to the surface and maybe it was that temperature shock that made Lucas' skin curl or maybe it was that short kiss that Eliott left on each of his knuckles, but deep down Lucas knew that that feeling had more to do with the way Eliott's eyes never left his. Like those grays, and almost iridescent greens, smiled at him with love.

"You have a lot of faith in me." Eliott lays his head back on his shoulder, leaving his wet cheek resting on his warm chest.

"Too much. I'll probably age about ten years locked up in an apartment with you," Lucas begins to say and Eliott laughs again, closing his eyes and dropping those long eyelashes over his high cheekbones. "but it's worth it."

"I promise I'll try not to leave my clothes lying around." Eliott tells him by slowly moving one of his fingers along Lucas' leg that is wrapped around his body's waist. "I may not be able to sort it by color or follow the kind of order you like, but I'll try.”

Eliott promises him and Lucas can do nothing but bow to him again, leaving another kiss beside his face, right on his temple. Where a few strands of soggy hair have stuck to his wet skin. Lucas had taken his time in soaping that long, soft brown hair, he had also done it with Eliott's back and shoulders which soon relaxed under his touch. And it was the slow sigh that came from Eliott that caught Lucas's attention.

"Hey, don't fall asleep." Lucas tries to wake him up by moving his hands together, making Eliott comfortable by sticking closer to him without opening his eyes yet.

Eliott complains by lowering his lip in a half pout. "Just a minute."

"No." Lucas understood that it had been a long journey and that he was probably even more exhausted than before after their previous activities and as much as he would like to let him rest. First they were in a shower and his fingers were already wrinkled and second, it was barely three o'clock in the afternoon. "It's still daylight and we haven't eaten anything.”

"I'm not hungry."

"Not now, but later yes.” Lucas tries to convince him by tilting his face to the side so that he can see Eliott's face better and the way he opens his eyes slowly by blinking a couple of times. He looked a little sleepy that Lucas was tempted to stay in that position as long as necessary until the water dropped his temperature, but the truth is that he could feel his stomach about to protest the hunger. It had been a long time since he had skipped a meal. "Let's finish up here and I'll order something to eat, but don't fall asleep, okay? You have to get used to the schedule."

"Fine." Eliott finally gives in. "We've already started on the orders." And his scowl is slightly furrowed, drawing a half-strained line on his forehead that Lucas kisses with a small smile pulling on his lips.

"You know I love you." Lucas says slowly lowering his face, letting his lips slowly brush the bridge of Eliott's nose until they are separated by inches.

Eliott bends his face just enough to let those blue eyes show that they don't take their eyes off his lips before whispering. "I love you more."

And if before Lucas had felt that his heart could fly out of his chest, he was now sure that it had and that it had ended up falling into Eliott's long, thin hands that embrace that part of him as carefully as if it were the most valuable piece of art he had ever touched.

* * *

And if there was one thing that Lucas had set out to do after his trip to Paris, it was to give Eliott the same experience that he had given him during those summer days. And he would have liked to say that he had been a very good tourist guide, but it was not so, because in the end Eliott was much better than he had been in his city. Eliott was the one who dragged Lucas through all the streets of New York even when he had no idea where to go and it was so amazing, the way he could get excited about the smallest and most ordinary things and even boring for Lucas.

As was the public transport.

The first time Eliott got on a train - in New York, as he insisted on clarifying several times - he wanted to go standing up and it wasn't like they had any choice because it was rush hour. It was the time when everyone was going out for lunch or going back to work, so there were no empty spaces for either of them to rest, but Lucas didn't mind and it wasn't because he was used to it but because it was the expression on Eliott's face as if it was the most fun and fascinating thing he had ever done. And it was also the fact that they were both so close to each other that Lucas would only have to lift his face a little to steal a kiss from him. His arms wrapped around the sides of Eliott's body, his breath falling on his neck and his boyfriend's hand caressing the back of his neck trying not to lose his balance every time they arrived at some station, causing Lucas to laugh every time his eyes opened in surprise.

Everything was what Eliott called: "The American experience". It was so silly, but at the same time tender.

They visited as many places as possible. Even those where Lucas had promised never to set foot either because they were always stocked with people but also because for him it was "typical" but it was the sparkle in those grey eyes that made him sigh and agree to go to each one of them without protest.

In Times Square Eliott asked someone to take a picture of them on the TKTS stairs and when the red-haired girl counted backwards to three, Eliott placed his hand on his cheek moving his face to the side and dropping a kiss on his lips. The blush on Lucas' cheeks remained all the way to the Hot Dog cart.

On the Brooklyn Bridge, among the crowd of people, Eliott never let go of his hand and Lucas rested his head on his shoulder while both let the fresh air of the day hit their faces and the warm sun shine on their brown hair. They took a picture again together with Eliott's arms around his neck and just as it had happened before, he deposited a kiss on Lucas' cheek making him smile more widely from the surprise. It was at that moment that Lucas asked him if he was going to keep kissing him in every picture that they would be taken and that's when Eliott told him that he would always do it.

It took time for Lucas to get used to allowing himself to be this affectionate in public, but as always when he was with Eliott, it gradually became easy for him. So he let Eliott kiss him at every tourist spot or avenue he wanted. And soon he felt like he was no longer a part of that city and became completely involved with Eliott. A tourist, someone new, someone strange to these streets that he had traveled and avoided so many times. For the first time he was seeing everything differently. Brighter, fuller, more colorful, more alive. Even something as exhausting as taking the train had become so comfortable and exciting next to Eliott.

How does he do that? How can he change my life in that way? Lucas wonders as he lies with his head resting on Eliott's lap, who keeps stroking his hair slowly, in the middle of a small park under the shade of a large tree a few hours before sunset. How can he make me so happy?

* * *

The smell of coffee was the first thing Lucas noticed that morning when the sun's rays were just beginning to touch the first traces of the ground making any remnants of the previous night disappear. Lucas moves under the sheets that covered his body and he manages to open his eyes wide enough after feeling the change in weight in bed. Eliott, who was sitting next to him holding a steaming cup of coffee, watched him with a wide smile that lit up his eyes almost like the sun shining behind him at the window.

"What time is it?" Lucas asks, but his words are choked by the pillow that lies under his face.

"Seven o'clock in the morning." Eliott answers him as he runs his hand through Lucas's straight hair, tangling his fingers in some locks and pulling them slightly, causing some small complaints to escape Lucas's lips, turning his face towards him and blinking slowly, trying to get used to the change of light.

"It's too early." Lucas feels a small frown forming on the lower part of his forehead. "Graduation is not until eleven o'clock.”

Eliott sighs and lowers his hand down the back of Lucas's neck until it gently runs along the line of his spine and he rests his warm palm on his lower back.

"I know.” Eliott tells him by tilting his face to the side and looking up to his blue eyes. "But I wanted to do something special for you on this day that is so important to you.”

Lucas can't help but smile a little when he hears Eliott's words that were too full of pride and that make him feel a familiar warmth in his chest.

"It's just a piece of cardboard that I'll keep in a closet for years and it'll wear out until neither I nor anyone else remembers it exists.” Lucas declares trying to take away any sense of value from his college diploma.

Eliott rolls his eyes as he lets out a snort that was meant to be a short smile. "Well, sir, it's-no-big-deal-I'm-just-closing-a-degree, take your coffee before it gets cold."

And with this, Lucas turns his body upside down and sits on the soft white mattress above him drinking the cup of coffee that Eliott is offering him with a little smile. A very small smile that Eliott is using to disguise something else.

"Well?" The older boy asks him after Lucas takes the first sip of his hot drink.

Lucas nods in approval, wiping the rest of coffee from his lips with his tongue. He puts the cup down on the wooden nightstand beside the bed and then moves slowly enough in front of Eliott to make the boy see clearly. No space is left between the two of them, no room for empty spaces, half-hearted words or hidden thoughts. Only honesty.

"What's going on?" Lucas asks Eliott finally, forcing him to look up from under his eyelashes to meet his gaze.

It was so easy to read those tense lines that are drawn on his face every time there is so much in Eliott's head that Lucas would wish he could kiss his forehead and erase any worries, but that is not possible so if there was one thing he had learned during those months it was that words were the best way to provide clarity and solve things. Communication. Something that took him so long to get used to, but after so many bad spells, there was no other option than that.

"Don't tell me it's nothing.” Lucas shakes his head a little, bringing his hand up to Eliott's scratchy cheek, where a beard is beginning to grow. "What is it?"

Eliott lets out a sigh as his shoulders drop down like if he were allowing him to breathe properly for the first time.

"Aren't you afraid?" Eliott finally asks him. Lucas can feel an expression of doubt appearing on his face, which Eliott can read because he immediately continues to talk, trying to explain himself better. "Aren't you afraid of everything that will happen after this?"

"Like, leave college behind?" Lucas says hesitantly lowering his hand to Eliott's neck feeling under his fingertips the warmth that his skin always has.

"Also. To change continents, to leave your family and friends behind..." Lucas quickly denies while interrupting Eliott's words.

"I will not leave my family behind." Lucas clears his eyes from his own. "I will still come to see them, my mother is still here and this is still my home.”

Lucas feels a little heavy knot forming at the bottom of his throat so he tries slowly to give his head some time to settle in and that's when something inside him _clicks_ that makes him see everything with a little more transparency.

"Eli, are you afraid we're going to live together?" Lucas finally dares to ask him.

Eliott's face is a combination of emotions from surprise to anguish. His lips open momentarily as well as his eyes; Lucas could see all the work he was having to recover from that question he had thrown at him without warning.

"No, no, no." Eliott continues to deny as he moves toward Lucas, bringing his hands to his shoulders and bringing him closer as if he fears that at any moment he may get up and leave without looking back. "No, I don't want you to think that I have doubts or that I don't want this life together.”

"It's okay, I don't think that." Lucas tells him for sure, providing him some peace. He takes his hands into Eliott's arms and hugs his wrists. Giving him all the stability Eliott needs to keep his respiratory system functioning normally. "But I also think it's normal for you to be scared.”

"I don't want to ruin it." Eliott confesses to him so slowly that Lucas could taste the bitter vulnerability in those words. "It's the first time I've done this with someone I love too much.”

Lucas feels the corners of his mouth pulling a weak smile. "It's also the first time I'm going to do that and I plan for you to be the only one.”

Lucas jokes by getting Eliott to laugh a little while he lowers his face, before raising him again with that little smile that was enough for Lucas. What he would give to be able to hear that laugh all the time and to be able to keep that smile on those lips all the time.

I just want you to be happy, Lucas thinks in silence, I want to make you happy like you do make me happy.

"How can you not be scared?" Eliott asks him.

Lucas keeps silent for a few seconds trying to find the right words to explain all that sea of feelings he experienced throughout these last months and even much earlier, when he had made the decision, that November afternoon. That decision to risk everything and give his life a hundred and eighty degree turn just because he couldn't stand to spend another hour without being able to feel Eliott's arms around him.

"I was afraid too." Lucas begins to explain by letting the boy take his hands in his and letting them rest in the middle of their bodies. "I felt so insecure because you're the first guy I've ever felt this strongly about. I thought it was too hasty, absurd, immature, and that I was going to ruin it by running too soon. Who would move to the other side of the world for a boy you've known for less than a year? But then I felt so incomplete all the time. When I wasn't talking to you I wanted to, and when I was talking to you it wasn't enough. I wanted you. I realized that I was completely happy when I was by your side and the idea of being away from you became more frightening than anything else.”

Lucas takes a breath of air before continuing to talk.

"I know it's not going to be easy at first. Another schedule, another country, other customs, another language, other people, but you will be there with me. I know that at the end of the day I will be able to come home and find you in the kitchen preparing a small dinner or in the living room consumed with some drawing or in the bedroom, lying in bed, ready to tell me about your day.” Lucas passes his thumb slowly over the back of Eliott's hand giving him a caress that makes those gray eyes glisten with hope. "It's not going to be easy. Nothing in life is. Yes, we're going to fight about small and stupid things, and also about things that I find hard to express and that you're afraid to say because you think it's the best thing for me. I'm going to be angry when you don't clean the ashtray and you won't understand my need to keep the coffee pot full all the time, but in the end we'll work it out because it's what we both want. Because we love each other and that's all that matters. That's all we need."

Eliott nods slowly with one of those smiles, those smiles that manage to slip straight into Lucas's heart until they are embedded around him, leaving the memory of that feeling inside him.

"Since when did you become so good at making speeches?" Eliott asks him jokingly as his whole body leans toward him until Lucas can feel the warmth of his face touching his.

Lucas smiles broadly, biting his lower lip a little before he speaks. "Since my boyfriend forced me to watch that Charlie Chaplin movie. What was the name? The great annotator?"

Eliott pushes himself backwards, releasing a long laugh that Lucas cannot help but continue. "You're impossible, you know that?" Eliott declares after catching his breath, he continues to deny.

Lucas moves from where he has been sitting all the time and leans on his knees at the sides of Eliott's body while he surrounds his neck with his arms leaning forward and closing any distance, both of them still with their wide smiles drawn on their faces.

"Don't tell me you don't like it.” Lucas murmurs over Eliott's lips, chasing his touch. The older boy carries his hands up to his waist leaving fingerprints on the pale skin of his back.

"I love you." Eliott finally says before closing any distance between them by sealing their lips in a long, deep kiss in which they both end up wrapped in each other's arms. Eliott's back touches the mattress, leaving Lucas straddling his lap. And maybe it wasn't such a bad idea for his boyfriend to wake him up early that morning after all.

* * *

Arriving early had never been Lucas' forte. He and the watch had never been good friends for as long as he could remember, but having Eliott by his side reminding him of the time every so often was one of the best things that could have happened to him because he was sure that if it wasn't for his boyfriend, he would never have made it to his own graduation.

The day was pretty hot and maybe Lucas was dying more and more under the dark outfit he was wearing, but he definitely didn't regret going if he could enjoy the view of Eliott wearing a formal suit. It was so adorable the way Eliott went out of his way to choose the best tie - that he ended up deciding to leave the collar of his shirt unbuttoned - and keep his dark shoes polished to make the best impression on Lucas' father. The nerves were obvious, Eliott's whole body vibrated of excitement all the way through even though Lucas insisted it was no big deal. They were just his parents; it wasn't like he was going to meet the monarchy of England or someone even more important like Paul Thomas Anderson. But Lucas was thankful that Eliott had put some effort into his clothes because they were definitely doing _something_ to him.

It was a little after ten o'clock in the morning when they both arrived at the university campus. Their hands remained intertwined all the way while Lucas pointed to one of the university's locations until he was interrupted by a deep voice coming from afar calling him.

"Lucas Lallemant, wait!" The voice shouts at him again making Lucas turn around following the sound of what he was already guessing.

Harve.

His friend was a few meters away from them, jogging to where they were standing in the middle of a long and wide field that they had to follow until they reached the auditorium where the ceremony would take place. Harve kept going until he reached them. The half-smile on his lips doesn't go away even though his chest is rising and falling rapidly as he tries to catch his breath.

"How hard it is to find you in a crowd." Harve says to Lucas, as he rolls his eyes with evident exasperation on the part of his friend.

"We just arrived." Lucas tells Harve, but he's not seeing him anymore, he has his eyesight directed at Eliott. Lucas follows his gaze realizing that they still have their hands clasped. Of course, Harve was waiting for him to make the first move. "Eliott, this is Harve. Harve, this is Eliott."

Harve's shoulders fall as a sign of relaxation and the smile on his lips widens as he takes a step forward, extending his hand to shake Eliott's free hand.

"You have no idea what I was waiting to meet you." Harve starts to tell Eliott without stopping his hand. "Lucas hasn't stopped talking about you for months."

"Should I ask?" Eliott asks, with his right eyebrow raised slightly, making it clear how much he is enjoying this.

He is so lucky, Lucas tells himself for what he could be a million times since he met him, he is so lucky to be so cute.

"No." Lucas squints his eyes trying to throw a look as threatening as his voice. "You better not."

"Even if I don't imagine you like this." Harve interrupts his conversation by drawing attention to himself. Lucas can see the way his friend is slowly looking up and down all over Eliott's body, and for the first time in a long time, Lucas felt like getting in front of his boyfriend and hiding him from any kind of mental search. So strange, he had never felt jealous of anyone before. "Lucas never mentioned that you looked like this.”

"Looked like what?" Lucas asks his friend, trying to avert his eyes, but he continues to frown at Eliott.

"Like a model." Harve responds, finally turning his eyes to meet his own, but not before raising his hand to Eliott. "You must have been in a magazine or sometime."

"Not really." Eliott tells him by raising and lowering his shoulders with indifference.

"I don't believe you. I should have used something better, I thought I could get something today.” Harve looks down at his own clothes inspecting himself. "I think I have something in the car..."

Harve was wearing a formal pair of navy blue pants that fit snugly around his body along with a long-sleeved shirt in the same light blue color and light brown shoes that matched his belt.

Eliott laughs softly as he drops his face down to his feet. Too tender. The way he can look that confident, and even more handsome - as if it could be more possible - with that black suit and unbuttoned shirt casually exposing his neck. And yet he looks down as if it were too much for him to receive that kind of comment. Lucas smiles slightly, taking advantage of Harve's sudden absence, approaching his boyfriend to talk to him.

"He's acting weird. He never gives compliments to any boy." Lucas tells him by letting Eliott release his hand to wrap his arm around his neck, leaving them inches apart.

Eliott laughs again underneath, biting his lower lip before throwing a question at Lucas. "Do you think I _turned_ him?"

"I hope not." It was Lucas' turn to laugh at the slow denial. "I don't want to compete with anyone else." Eliott brings his face close enough to his, leaving a kiss on his cheek, which suddenly feels much warmer to the touch of Eliott's lips. A few months ago, he had kissed him in the same way, but they were not here then, neither on the same continent nor on the same page of their relationship.

Eliott's eyebrows raise along with his eyes and Lucas follows his sight by visualizing Harve a few steps away from them.

"Where are you going?" Lucas asks his friend, who has his hands hidden in the pockets of his bluish pants.

"To change shoes or pants, I don't know, I think I have a suit in the car." Lucas can't help but raise his eyes upward. Unbelievable, Harve looked good, he looked more than good and yes, it was a formal event and yes, even his friend had to go against everything the invitation dictated and do it his way as well. He had always been like that, and both knew it, but for some reason today he was acting too _extra_. More than usual.

"Wait." Lucas tells his friend, before turning to Eliott to break up his hug. "You better go with him. I've got to go put this on," he says, holding up the holster that hung from his arm and where he kept his graduation gown. "and I don't want to leave you alone."

From the corner of Eliott's lips rises a half smile that manages to illuminate his entire face. His boyfriend takes his hands between his, leaving two kisses on both of his knuckles, and then he approaches him whispering. "Then, good luck." And with that he leaves one of the long, soft kisses that Lucas may have received at some point in his life. Both lips pressed together in a closed kiss, but so full of affection that Lucas let out a short sigh when Eliott walked away, letting his joined hands fall. "You're going to do it amazing."

"Thank you." Lucas thanks him by watching his boyfriend and his best friend walk away together in the opposite direction from the auditorium.

* * *

The ceremony was just as boring and long as Lucas had predicted. As it turns out, although his faculty is not as extensive as others, such as engineering or medicine, but it was not so far behind either. It wasn't as much fun when the university's chancellor was calling everyone in the alphabetical order of their last name, and it wasn't as much fun when Lucas was almost, almost, one of the last. But when it was finally his turn, he climbed the last steps of the stage, greeted each one of those important people who are part of someone in the university and then his diploma, or well, that's what he hoped it would be because that's what he had been fighting for and dreaming about for years.

From the background Lucas heard applause followed by too loud, deep and noisy cheers that made him laugh too hard. Lucas stood in the space, which had been indicated to him previously in the rehearsals, waiting for the photographer to capture his moment, but surely the photo was totally lost because of the way Lucas kept his eyes raised upwards looking at the point where all that commotion was coming from. And it couldn't be anyone else but Harve, who was jumping up and down with his hands up as if he were doing his best Rocky Balboa performance. And right there, next to him, was his boyfriend with both hands hollowed out his lips as he loudly shouted his name followed by many cheering. Lucas hides his laughter with his hand as he slowly denies feeling his entire chest and face turn dark red.

After each of the students was called to the stage, after each of them had their moment in front of the photographer, long after the final congratulatory speech was given, Lucas was free to go and find his family.

A pair of hands covered his eyes, covering his sight completely and forcing him to stand in the middle of the forest next to the auditorium, where he had indicated to Eliott that they would meet after the ceremony.

"My college boy." A voice whispered in his ear causing Lucas' back to tremble as he felt the breath of the owner of that voice fall on his skin. "Guess who I am?"

Lucas lets out a snort around Eliott's wrists by pushing his hands down. "An idiot." Lucas says, turning his face to meet the glowing smile of his boyfriend. "Too outrageous."

Eliott's smile grows even wider, making his eyes narrower in half-moons, hiding that bright gray that Lucas loves with an unknown and impossible to define intensity.

“Where is Harve?" Lucas asks, turning his face to either side, trying to find his best friend.

"He went to..." Eliott begins to tell him, but is interrupted by a voice coming from the back of Lucas, which he manages to identify so easily.

"Lucas!" His mother calls to him, with her hand raised upward, swinging back and forth in greeting along with that beautiful, bright red smile. Lucas can feel the smile on his own face getting bigger as his mother reaches out to him. "My love.” His mother wraps him in a strong embrace that at first cuts off Lucas' breath, but he soon recovers by sweating that soft scent of lilies and melon perfume that she has always used. "I'm so proud of you, honey, I knew you'd make it.” His mother says to him before taking a step back, leaving her hands on his shoulders. "I am so happy for you."

Lucas lets out a sigh, without being able to erase that smile from his lips. "Thank you, mom." Lucas thanks her as sincerely as possible, because if he was here it was because of all the people behind him. She, his father and also his mother, who gave him the strength to overcome. "Thank you for everything."

"Congratulations, Lucas." His father, who stands beside his mother with a bowed smile, congratulates him by approaching him and wrapping him in a short but warm embrace that Lucas reciprocates before he takes a step back.

"Thanks, dad." Lucas also thanked him, turning to his mother who is watching the whole scene with those brown eyes that know him by heart. "I didn't think you all would come."

"What are you saying?" His mother tells him in a tone of voice that sounds as offended as it is surprised by that assumption. "We wouldn't miss this moment for anything, plus it wasn't that hard to find you with such a show you put on.” His mother spins around casting one of those threatening looks at Harve, with whom she shares almost the same height.

Lucas feels his eyes open a little when he realizes that Eliott has been standing to one side behind him, hidden from his parents, without him giving him a chance to introduce them. Lucas moves a little to the side, giving his parents enough space to get a glimpse of Eliott.

He clears his throat a bit, drawing the attention of his parents who are engaged in a vague conversation with Harve.

"Ohm, mom, dad, this is Eliott." Lucas rests his hand on Eliott's lower back, pushing him forward slightly. "He is my boyfriend.”

Lucas knew that his mother was aware of everything, but he also made it clear from his father and Lucas avoided at all costs meeting his father's gaze. Not here. Not now. He was not going to allow himself or anyone else to ruin his well-being, not even himself.

His mother wasted no time in greeting Eliott with a nice smile while giving him two kisses on each side of his cheeks. Lucas could see the way Eliott smiled nervously trying to process everything that was going on, and then Lucas watched as his boyfriend and father shook hands followed by such a formal and dry "Nice to meet you" from his father that Eliott reciprocated with a slight nod.

"It's good to finally meet you." His mother tells Eliott with such emotion that Lucas feared that she, like Harve, would faint in those gardens. "I've heard so much about you."

Eliott laughs as he meets Lucas's eyes with his eyebrow, again, raised with a question formulated all over his face. "I really want to know.”

Lucas takes Eliott's arm slowly denying. "Not even in your dreams."

The photos were an eternity for Lucas. He was sure that with the amount of photos Eliott and Harve had taken, they could make a complete album without problem. One of Lucas with his parents on the side. One of Lucas with his mother, one of Lucas with his father. Also Lucas with Harve - a photo embarrassment when he and his best friend kept doing silly things in each photo, until his mother had to put it in order. Another of Lucas with Harve and his mother, Lucas with Harve and his father, and finally one of him with his parents and his best friend. It was a whole picture that he could find placed on the wall of his parents' house the next time he went to visit them.

Until it was the turn of his photo with Eliott.

Lucas let Eliott hug his waist by pushing him towards him. Lucas let Eliott kiss his cheek. Lucas let his back arch and his hand encircle his bicep while his other hand held his graduation cap to keep it from falling off. Lucas let his face drift away from the camera into Eliott's face when the boy whispered to him how much he loved him.

And for the first time in a long time, Lucas forgot that they were being photographed and they were watched, he just pushed off the tips of his shoes stealing a kiss from Eliott followed by the sound of the cell phone capturing the moment when their smiling lips met.

"Are you sure you don't want us to join you?" His mother asked again for what seemed to be the fourth time since Lucas had announced that he and Eliott would be taking a different cab to lunch with them.

Lucas moves his hand vaguely without letting go of Eliott's hand as he walks further and further away from his parents and his best friend. "Yes, yes, we're fine. It will be a quick walk. We'll meet you at the restaurant."

"All right!" His mother yells at them when the distance between them is getting bigger. "We'll meet in half an hour."

Eliott moves his free hand in farewell to his in-laws before turning to Lucas with his right eyebrow raised slightly in a clear question that he cannot avoid.

"Which tour?" Eliott finally asks him with a half-smile pulling at his lips. "You never promised me a tour of the campus."

"Aha, because it wasn't planned..." Lucas begins to explain by leaning over Eliott's body as he takes his jacket with his fist approaching him. "Until I saw you in _that_ suit.” 

Eliott's questioning expression was replaced by a huge smile that exposed his teeth. It was about time, Lucas thinks in silence, he finally understood my little plan. Eliott opens his lips to say something, probably a joke, but Lucas doesn't have time for that so he pulls Eliott's jacket in the opposite direction of the big building.

"Come. Quickly." Lucas says to him, biting his lower lip in his bad attempt to hide his smile that is about to make his face explode. "We don't have much time.”

Lucas guides them to the opposite cream-colored building with high ceilings and dark windows. The laboratory building, which fortunately was closed for graduations and Lucas knew that no one was on the premises because all the staff was on vacation. It was perfect. Eliott continues to look around with his mouth open as his eyes are unable to grasp everything around him, but he continues to push him through the levels, the hallways until he finds a small classroom that he knows is unoccupied, but the door is closed. Lucas makes a quick trip to the corner of the hallway where the red box with the fire extinguisher is located and right there in the back, where he has been all these years, are the keys to that classroom.

"Lucas, we're going to get in big trouble." Eliott tells him with a nervous little smile as he turns the doorknob to make way for both of them to enter the empty room.

"Why?" Lucas asks him with a slightly scowled expression of curiosity, but also fun. "You don't study here and neither do I." He removes his graduation cap from his head, leaving it on the desk Eliott is leaning on, and then he hooks the loops of his boyfriend's dark pants with his fingers pulling his body towards his until his breasts are joined. "We're not going to do anything that no one has ever done here before."

"Ugh." Eliott turns his face to look at the cold, lit room where they are. "Here? What are you college kids do here?"

Lucas laughs, tilting his face to the side as he lets his hands climb up Eliott's chest feeling the warmth of his skin over that thin white shirt. "Come on, didn't you ever have sex _in_ college?"

It was Eliott's turn to let out a laugh that sounded more like a snort. "No, do you?"

Lucas denies getting rid of the first button on Eliott's shirt by slowly going down to do the same with the first one. Eliott's hands are aware of what he is doing so they are resting heavily on his waist. Lucas can see the nerves vibrating his body, but it's also there, that note of brightness that is encouraging him to keep going. What a little shit, playing hard to get.

"This is my first time." Lucas says in a low voice watching the way Eliott's apple rises and falls slowly as he hears him say those words. He abandons his task of unbuttoning Eliott's shirt by lowering his hands to where Eliott's pants zipper feels, to his touch, much tighter than before. "Would you let me suck you off here now?"

If Lucas believed that Eliott's eyes had been open, he had now outdone himself. His boyfriend doesn't utter a word but a quick nod, which is all Lucas needs to fall to his knees in front of him with a little smile on his lips as his hands move over Eliott's body like if they had a life of their own.

His hands know him by heart, they know they must slowly unzip the zipper giving Eliott time to breathe properly, they know they must take him underneath and then do his hand up until they let his thumb play with the tip of Eliott's dick and only then can they get their boyfriend to let go of that sweet, so soft and delicate, sound that makes Lucas' body jump up at the same time that all his blood travels direct to the south. His mouth, which had registered Eliott's taste so easily that he only had to close his eyes to feel the weight of his cock on his tongue, so when Lucas took it between his mouth, hard and ready for him, he only let his body dominate him completely.

Lucas knew there was something different this time. Something felt completely different and perhaps it was the surprise factor, that they were both having sex in a quasi-public place where he had been taught before, a place where he had been sitting thousands of times bored to death and he never imagine himself having sex, let alone with someone like Eliott. Maybe it was also the fact that Eliott looked so damn sexy. He had been wanting to do this from the moment he saw his boyfriend in that tight suit that outlined his body so well, but he hadn't had a chance because of the short time they had left the apartment that morning. Maybe it was all that, the combination of him doing something he didn't enjoy before but had now become his favorite activity and Eliott, who was allowing himself to do different and new things by his side. Things that he was proud of, Eliott hadn't done with anyone else but him and that he also felt comfortable with.

All that came down to that moment between the two of them. Lucas' knees stuck to the ground, the small sweat falling from the bottom of his neck, his tongue following the small line of Eliott's dick until it surrounded his lips with the tip of his tongue giving a small turn at the same time that his ears captured the long sigh followed by a painfully short moan that Eliott interrupted by biting his lower lip with his teeth. It was his red cheeks, the drops of sweat falling from his temples, his perfectly placed hair contrasting with his wrinkled face in an expression of concentrated pleasure, his hands tangled in Lucas's hair pulling them and pushing him back to meet those dark gray eyes lost in lust. That look that took Lucas' breath away

"Come here." Eliott says breathlessly and without giving Lucas time to protest, he took him by the side and lifted him up to the table where he had been sitting all this time. His lips met in a fiery kiss that Lucas reciprocated by opening his lips and thus giving way to Eliott so that he could taste himself in his mouth. Their tongues moved in a hasty, hungry dance that forced Lucas to put his arm around Eliott's neck so he would not fall backwards.

Soon he feels Eliott's hand going down, down and down until the only sound his ears can register, besides the little groans he is producing, is the one of the zipper of his pants going down and then Lucas lost it completely. He hadn't realized how uncomfortable he felt in his own pants and how much he needed Eliott to touch him.

His head bent upward trying to get some air while one of his hands went down to embrace Eliott's arm tightly, trying to hold onto something. The heat of Eliott's palm surrounding both of them was enough for him to open his mouth in a rough moan, coming from the bottom of his throat, which caused his whole body to shake under the touch of his palm. That familiar warmth that he was only able to feel with Eliott, settled on a thin line from his groin to his sternum at the same time that Eliott's hand went down both limbs until it went up again slowly, stopping carefully to catch every expression of Lucas' face that, in the middle of the day, had turned into something red, hot and hurried. His heavy breathing was becoming so obvious in the second that Eliott's thumb brushed its tip against a thin line of his pre-cum that he used to make his movements more fluid.

Lucas opens his eyes with all the strength he can when Eliott's other hand resting on the bottom of his hair pulls a little bit of his locks forcing him to look into his eyes. He hugs the older boy's shoulder when his hand becomes stronger around him and pulls him closer to him, making his half-open lips escape what sounds like a broken moan that Eliott manages to capture with his eyes. Those gray eyes that were a dark color, so deep, so full, so far away as if he were taking pictures of Lucas. And he can't help but feel through the palms of his hand the way Eliott was vibrating, how his body trembles and how his own lips open spilling out sounds so loud and heartbreakingly delicious that they make Lucas's cock jump out of ecstasy into his hand.

Each push feels like climbing a high mountain that takes Lucas' breath away and makes his head tilt to the side giving him access to Eliott to kiss, taste and bite every inch of his exposed skin.

"Come on, baby. I want your first time to be good." Eliott whispers to the side of his ear before placing a short kiss on the bottom of his ear that made his legs quiver, but these did not loosen his grip on Eliott's waist.

He hides his head in Eliott's neck while holding on to his body and his biceps which is the only thing keeping him from letting go. The movement in his hand goes up and down faster through his joined cocks making Lucas bend his head back and push his hip forward, he didn't want to lose a second of Eliott's contact. His long fingers surrounding him, his warmth, his soft and firm skin. He didn't want them to clear up, he wanted to continue feeling that electric current that went through every nerve cell and reached the depths of his skin, he wanted Eliott's touch to be imprinted inside him.

"You are so beautiful." Eliott tells him in a voice so hoarse and deep that it makes Lucas lean forward, sticking his forehead to his own. He keeps his eyes closed while his ears continue to pay attention to that song full of sweet praise that Eliott is breathlessly spreading over his half-open lips.

He's so close, just a little further. He never wants it to end, he wants to be always wrapped up in Eliott's warmth and proximity. Let all his senses be him and only him, but he also knows that he will not endure and by the spasms in all the body and strong movements in his hand, he knows that it is a matter of seconds for Eliott to let himself go.

He can feel it, it's right there. The feeling of abundance accumulated and pressed into their bowels and lungs that they are having trouble functioning properly. It is there, he feels it at his fingertips and at the bottom of his spine. Eliott moves away from him just enough to look him in the eye, but close enough that his two noses are rubbing together.

"I love you so much, baby." Lucas whispers against his lips and tangles his fingers in the flowing, wet hair, pulling it with a force that makes Eliott moan so loudly that Lucas can see the way his lips open and his eyes narrow, hiding those dark irises. "You make me _so_ happy."

And without warning he surrounds with his hand Eliott's hard and pronounced cock giving him the last pushes that push him to the abyss of his orgasm, but Eliott's hand does not stop. As if he knew, he continues to masturbate to him by giving him two shots that are all Lucas needs to accompany him in his breathtaking climax.

Lucas makes a sound that he will probably be ashamed of later, but right now he doesn't care about that. He just doesn't resist the impossible. The heat that rises from his lower groin, following the path through his chest to the back of his neck, the enormous weight that was installed in his lower body leaving him shaking under the touch of Eliott, who pulled him one last time leaving him completely empty.

The only sound registered in the silent room is that of his heavy breathing trying to recover from the effects of their organs. Eliott places his hand on the back of Lucas's neck, breaking his distance in a kiss, which, although neither of them had the strength to go deeper, instead was slow and lazy. It was from those careful kisses that he seeks to accompany the other in his return from the free fall. Lucas smiled a little against Eliott's lips, moving away for a few seconds to leave another short kiss. Eliott's eyes remained open until Lucas's body slowly returned to reality.

And it wasn't until his grip on Eliott's shoulders relaxed completely and the older boy moved away a little, that he lowered his eyes to the little mess they both had made and pulled up his zipper with his hands still shaking and he recognized the pleasant warmth he felt on his wet forehead from the cold sweat, his cheeks, his neck, his chest and his whole body.

"Did you like it?" Eliott asks him with his slightly raised eyebrow along with one of those smug smiles that told him he already knows the answer.

Lucas sighed, nodding his head slowly. "Of course I do."

He gets off the table tucking his messy shirt into his formal pants and it is when he looks up and sees Eliott's hand hanging uncomfortably in front of him that Lucas steps away from him.

"Don't even think about cleaning up your coming with my graduation gown." He threatens him by pointing his index finger at him, stopping Eliott's thoughts.

Eliott's mouth opens in a combination of surprise and indignation. "It is also yours."

"I'm not going to give to my mom my semen-stained gown." Lucas counters by raising his eyebrows like this. It was his turn to send the clear message that this was the end of the conversation. "Come on, let's go to the bathroom.” He shakes his head to the side indicating that he should follow him and that is just what Eliott does.

"You know; I think your mother will be grateful that she wasn't invited to the tour.” Eliott jokes by giving him a little push from the side, which Lucas can't help but smile a little as he rolls his eyes.

"You know?” Lucas says stopping at the bathroom door and running his hand through his messy hair. "I think the bathroom might be closed."

And instead, Eliott does not respond. He bows down kissing Lucas, who recovers from the surprise by taking the wrinkled white shirt his boyfriend is wearing and tilts his head to the side deepening it and allowing Eliott to take the kiss. The kiss he had stolen him about half an hour ago. And Lucas was happy to have his first time, in anything, with Eliott.

* * *

It was so strange. Lucas hadn't had a night of insomnia since he decided to go back on the sleeping pills his doctor had prescribed and even without them, he hadn't had any trouble falling asleep when he was always tired at night after being out and about all day. But this time had been different.

His mind kept going around and around. His eyes, in fact, felt heavy as well as his extremities, but his head did not let him sleep and was not like before. Anxiety, fear, problems, insecurities, dark thoughts that flitted around trying to hurt him, no, this was different. It was a mixture of pleasant emotions. Emotion, happiness, euphoria, passion, all in one. The graduation was over, the apartment was almost empty, the tickets were resting along with the passports in one of the suitcases that Lucas had finished packing a few days ago, everything was ready. In three days he would be crossing that threshold of his house where he and Harve had been living together for almost five years, and then he would get on a plane to leave everything behind.

Start a life by Eliott's side.

This thought made Lucas smile a little as he ran his hand over Eliott's face, taking between his fingers a lock of his hair that fell on his forehead covering part of his closed eye. Lucas moves a little under the sheets before turning on his back and getting out of bed and heading for the exit of the room. He slowly closes the door, leaving it open a little so as not to wake Eliott, and soon walks into the living room, where his books are located - the only thing he has left to pack and which he plans to take to his parents' house to put away with the rest of the things.

He makes himself a cup of coffee while taking book by book reading the title and quickly evaluating whether or not to quit. It is after midnight when he begins his work of finishing up the last things left in the apartment.

A lamp that Harve didn't want, a small wooden bookcase they agreed to donate to an antique store, a modern art painting that Harve is supposed to take away, an overly old rug that Lucas has to throw away, a clock that he keeps with the rest of the things to donate, some of Harve's law books that he struggles to make room for with the rest of the books that will stay in New York, and a car-shaped keychain that he and Harve had given to his father when they were ten years old.

Every corner of that apartment held memories. The wall in the hallway that Harve started painting but never finished, the broken corner of the kitchen table that was already this broken but Lucas ended up breaking in his attempt to open a beer bottle with a trick he learned at a party, the kitchen cabinet that was never opened because the door was falling down and it was impossible to put it back, the scratch on the window where Harve made a lot of effort trying to open and ended up cracking, the hole in the corner of Harve's room where his little friend, a mouse, used to hide and which Lucas never understood how his best friend was never afraid to sleep with that creature. Everything around him told a story, which perhaps they found funny at first, but now that they had to pay the landlord for the damage, it was no longer that funny.

And, finally, there was his piano. The piano that had been leaning on the farthest area of the room, where it had been ignored for years by Lucas until that night.

He approached the piano by removing the top and exposing the thick black and white keys that he knew by heart. His fingers passed over them letting his fingertips remember them while he could hear the notes sounding in the back of his head as if he were playing them. And he pressed the first key. It was as if everything inside him was illuminated and an electric current ran through his whole body. That feeling, that spark made Lucas smile, feeling the heaviness of a teardrop rolling down to the bottom of his eyes. And then it was another, followed by another, until all of Lucas's fingers were moving on top of the piano following a distant melody he remembered learning when he was only six years old. A song that his mother had encouraged him to practice and that even after so many years he could play as easily as if the scores were etched in his memory on solid rock.

"That was... beautiful." Eliott whispered to him, calling Lucas's attention to him when he was resting after he had finished playing the song.

Lucas turns his face back to find Eliott leaning against the wall with half his body hidden in half-light with a smile on his lips.

"Sorry I woke you up." Lucas apologizes, but Eliott quickly refuses to come forward, with his slacks hanging from his hip and his bare feet, even as he takes a seat next to him.

"It's okay." Eliott assures him with that half-sleepy smile, but with the sparkle in his eyes present. "I still felt that something was missing in the bed.”

Lucas laughs a little, holding his hand up to Eliott's arm, following with his fingers the thin tattoo of musical notes that Eliott had engraved on his smooth skin. The contact of his cold skin against Eliott's hot one made the older boy's hair stand up in surprise. There was nothing that Lucas would enjoy more in the world than watching and feeling those little reactions that he provoked in Eliott.

What did I do to deserve you?

"What were you playing?" Eliott asks him, following the old piano in front of them with his eyes.

" _Comptine d'un autre été, l'après-midi_." Lucas responds to Eliott by seeing from the corner of his eyes how the boy smiles a little because of his still American pronunciation. Seeing that he does not comment about that, Lucas continues to speak. "It's from this movie that my mom likes. Her favorite movie. She taught me how to play it.”

Eliott rests his head on Lucas' shoulder, who only needs to turn his head a little so that he can sink his nose into his boyfriend's fluffy, soft hair.

"Your mom has better taste in movies than you do." Eliott jokes and Lucas can't help but laugh at that bad comment on his part and then leave a short kiss on his boyfriend's hairline.

"She is not here." Lucas remembers him lowering his fingers into Eliott's palm. "You don't have to earn points yet."

"I'm practicing for tomorrow." Eliott says quietly, moving his fingers as he feels the little tickle Lucas is making with his hands on his sensitive skin.

Lucas smiles a little and keeps silent for a few seconds simply enjoying the proximity of Eliott's body to his while thinking about how useless that is. Eliott does not need to practice anything, it was impossible not to love him and the clear proof of that was today. At lunch with his parents where his mother did not stop to smile at him and his father, who was still not sure how he felt, still behaves kindly and asked enough questions and careful comments. Yes, his parents could be somewhat diplomatic, but Lucas kept some hope inside that it was more than that. That they would have loved him, as much as he does.

"Lucas..." Eliott calls it bringing him back to reality. Lucas hums, indicating that he is listening to him and can proceed. "Will you play something for me?"

Eliott asks him quietly but clearly that for a few seconds Lucas wishes he could ask him if what he said was real or not, but he knows that if he does that there is a possibility that Eliott will recant and he doesn't want that. He feels good, not quite comfortable playing in front of another, not yet, but it is Eliott. That's good.

And Lucas did again what he had done with the previous tune.

He simply let that feeling that was enveloping him run through his entire body from the tips of his toes to his fingers moving through the keys as if they had their own thoughts. As his eyes closed trying to convey all that warm feeling he was feeling inside and make Eliott experience it too. It was so new, but at the same time so exciting, that Lucas felt a smile growing on his face, as if his body was rising upwards and the only thing that kept him tied to the earth was Eliott's long hand hugging his thigh and his head resting on his shoulder. It was wonderful, the slow notes, key by key, at the same time that the tone rose, quickly following each one of the notes as if he feared that they would escape and he had to capture them in time.

Playing for Eliott felt like everything he had done by his side. A mixture of happiness, emotion, novelty, even fear, but also a desire for more. Much more. So when the melody came to an end, in short and marked notes, Lucas slowly opened his eyes and found Eliott's face illuminated in an expression of amazement.

"Lucas..." Eliott begins to say in a whisper.

Lucas interrupts him by shrugging his shoulders. "Pretty bad, huh?"

Eliott hurries to nod his head while blinking as if he too were landing back to reality. "That was amazing." Eliott assures him with a long smile growing slowly on his lips. "You are amazing."

Lucas slowly swallows that little lump in his throat that was present when he heard those sweet and tender words from Eliott.

"I haven't played for a long time." Lucas tells his boyfriend by looking down at his hands that are resting on his lap. "I stopped a little before I was separated from my mother and went to live in foster homes. Playing used to scare me a lot, but I don't feel that way anymore".

Lucas looks up at the time when Eliott's hand meets his by interlacing it. "I'm glad you don't feel like that anymore and can play again because you're going to have to do that for me forever." He says with a small sideways smile drawn on his face. "Are you going to take it with you?"

Lucas slowly denies wetting his lips with his tongue, taking a little time to think about how he was going to tell him what he had planned to do with his mother's piano.

"I was planning to leave it at my parents' house and maybe later come and get it, but now I can't take it now.” Lucas tells his boyfriend, leaning his face to the side as he watches Eliott's gaze fall to the dusty wooden instrument he had been keeping for years. "I have another smaller piano anyway, so don't worry because I'll be able to play for you.” Lucas says with a half-smile trying to cheer him up.

"Or you could leave it to your mother.” Eliott suggests finding himself with his eyes open in surprise of Lucas. "You told me she was playing so you could leave it for her to play again.” Lucas gives him a little squeeze on his interlocking hands when he feels Eliott's words coming faster and faster from his lips.

Lucas smiles, slowly nodding, but still sees those light gray eyes watching him closely. "I like that idea. I hadn't thought about it, thanks. I'll tell mom tomorrow."

Eliott's shoulders fall a little bit down at the same time that from the corners of his lips rises a little smile that makes the cheekbones of his cheeks rise as well. So cute, Lucas thinks before pushing Eliott's shoulder a little.

"Let's go to sleep. Tomorrow we have a long day."

And so both of them go, holding hands, into the room where Lucas hid under the warm sheets with Eliott's arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace that left no space between their bodies. The kiss they share under the sheets tastes like the mint toothpaste and red wine they drank that night with Harve. Lucas shares a smile with Eliott in the midst of the slow kiss.

And with his eyes closed, Lucas listened as Eliott asked him in a low voice. "What's the name of the song you played for me?”

And with his eyes closed and a short smile pressed on Eliott's neck, Lucas responded in a whisper. "I love you.”

* * *

Lucas was sure that, if a year ago and even a few months ago, someone had told him that he would be witnessing this moment, he would never have believed it. It was so surreal how much his life had changed since Eliott entered it and every day he was grateful to God, to fate, to whatever manages or controls everything that happens in the future, for having entrusted him to someone like Eliott.

Lucas' mother hugged him as tightly as possible before turning her eyes and finding the little eyes and nervous smile trembling from the corners of his boyfriend's lips. It didn't take his mother that long to erase any trace of anxiety and worry that Eliott had on his face, by wrapping him in a strong, yet warm embrace that he could clearly hear the sigh that Eliott let out. His eyes closed with a small smile as his mother's hand went up and down his boyfriend's back.

"It's good to finally meet you, Eliott." His mother told him when the hug came to an end, but she kept her hand on Eliott's arm giving him a gentle squeeze that made his smile gain confidence.

"Let me guess." Eliott interrupted her by giving Lucas a little glance that he knew the words were going to come from his lips before he uttered them. "Lucas spoke some things about me.”

Lucas' mother laughs at that comment, nodding slightly to keep that soft smile on her lips. "Indeed, he did, but" she raises her finger up in a dramatic pause before continuing. "that's between me and my son.

Lucas lets a loud laugh escape from the back of his throat as he watches Eliott's surprised expression on his face, as his eyes pass from one to the other trying to process that moment. His mother also laughs, bringing her hand to her lips and covering her smile.

"You don't stand a chance with her." Lucas manages to say when he recovers and can breathe more normally.

He takes Eliott's hand when he offers it to him with a little pout on the bottom of his lip along with those bright gray eyes that can make Lucas put the world at his feet and at the same time face any kind of giant threat to protect it.

"You two are the same." Eliott mentions him when the three of them are sitting at the small table in the gardens of the installation. His mother is entertained by folding the corner of her book and Lucas takes advantage of the seconds to bow to Eliott leaving a short kiss on his jaw.

"She is more beautiful, talented, patient, kind." Lucas whispers to him in silence, trying to make only him listen to his words. Eliott's hand rises to his cheek slowly caressing the line of his sharp cheekbone following the path with his eyes.

Eliott slowly denies looking back at those blue eyes that were an exact copy of his mother's, except that they lack all the wisdom and years she has in hers.

"You have all that." Eliott says in a low voice, tilting his face until his foreheads meet. "And so much more."

Lucas moves his head a little to the right with all the intention of kissing Eliott, but before he has a chance, his mother's throaty voice forces both of them to return to reality and have to separate. Lucas' cheeks feel much warmer than before and his mother's side smile makes it clear that she knows what was about to happen.

God, not in a million years would he have imagined that he would be able to kiss a boy in front of his mother and not just any boy but Eliott. His boy, the person with whom he went to sleep at night and with whom he woke up the next day, the same person who could show off, kiss, hold his hand and tell him how much he loved him every minute he wanted.

"I hope you don't mind us staying here for now." His mother apologizes to both of them. "I needed to get out of that room a little bit, I couldn't stand it there anymore."

"It's okay." Eliott assures his mother by giving him a little sideways smile. "It's very nice here, do you come here often?"

Eliott was telling the truth. It was a pretty nice place, considering that it was part of the psychiatric care building and was quiet, open, well kept, with quite a variety of floors surrounding them accompanied by several benches and tables where patients can come to do activities or play games or interact with others. Lucas was happy that his mother had this little space that was an escape for her and that kept her in touch with other people and with nature as well.

"Not much." She shrugs a little followed by her response. "Only when I need air and a little sun. That was one of Lucas's favorite activities as a child.”

Lucas turns his distracted gaze beyond the gardens, right into one of the building's corridors where he could clearly see Melanie watching them, with a big smile on her face from ear to ear that Lucas is sure a little more and that face could break in two. How is it possible that she is standing there? Has she been there all that time? Lucas sighs with relief as he watches Melanie's body straighten out in surprise as she realizes she has been caught in the act, she turns on her feet to meet a group of nurses who, like her, have been following everything closely. And from that distance Lucas can guess, by the way she moves her hands, that she is releasing some threats that she plans to carry out.

"What?" Lucas asks his mother, blinking a little. He gets a little lost in the conversation, but he can't let his mother tell Eliott something too private and embarrassing.

Lucas' mother, who has her elbow resting on the chair where she is sitting, tilts her head with that glow in her sky-colored eyes that make a perfect combination with the green that surrounds her.

"In sunbathing." She explains with a small smile on her lips. "We liked to take some towels and go to the courtyard of the house to sunbathe. Lucas would do it to accompany his grandfather who needed the vitamin, but then it became a habit we enjoyed.” She laughs a little as if memories are being projected in front of her and Lucas feels his smile growing more as if he can see them through his mother's eyes. "You were almost red in color with the red nose part. It was hard for you to get a tan, but when you did, it was like pieces. A brown arm, a white chest. It was so fun to see you like that."

"Why don't you sunbathe anymore?" Eliott asks him with a slight frown.

Lucas laughs a little, lowering his eyesight before raising it again by raising and lowering his shoulders. "I prefer to hide in my cave.” He tells them both, earning a laugh from them.

"A little more and you'll disappear, honey." His mother throws the comment with her raised eyebrow at him in a little mockery that Lucas can't help but feel his mouth open in surprise a bit by closing it again.

"We can sunbathe later." Lucas suggests and soon realizes that it would not be a promise he can keep anytime soon. Happiness soon evaporates from his body giving way to guilt and sadness. "I'm sorry we're leaving so quickly.”

"When is your flight?" His mother asks him, moving her eyes between the two.

"The day after tomorrow.” Eliott answers her question.

Lucas looks clearly at the way his mother's eyes fall a little as well as her face. He wanted to push himself forward and embrace her as hard, as strongly as possible, and perhaps leave a permanent memory of that moment in both of them, but before he has a chance. His mother speaks in that soft tone of voice that inflates his chest with that motherly warmth.

"It's so soon, but I understand." His mother says to him, nodding slowly. "Believe me, I know what it feels like to want to change your environment and learn more. That knot in my stomach that makes everything go around. I know what that is and I'm so happy you're going out into the world to do what you love.”

Lucas slowly swallows, making that heavy knot that is growing at the bottom of his throat disappear. "Thank you, mom." He manages to say in a low voice, and his mother only responds with a slight, soft smile.

"You too, Eliott," His mother turns to his boyfriend who all that time remained silent watching the whole scene that unfolds at his side. "that you are going to start this new life together."

"You can go to Paris whenever you want." It was Eliott's turn to suggest his mother.

She opens her eyes along with her lips forming a small, thin " _o_ ". "Oh, I don't know. I left my country years ago and my French is rusty." She says in the last tone of joking along with a nervous laugh that pulls at the corners of her lips.

And that was the moment when Lucas caught the change of language between their conversation. Eliott began to speak in a quick French that made his head spin and it was even more surprising to hear his mother respond with a broad smile growing from her lips. It was wonderful, a little annoying that they were talking almost behind his back without him understanding more than two words, but it was also perfect. Lucas did not remember seeing his mother this happy and neither did he remember that she spoke her mother's language. He didn't have a single memory, maybe a few loose phrases, but not something as clear and concrete as she does now. It was so strange. Her voice was deeper and hoarser than English, and was that an accent?

Her shoulders, face, hands, everything on his mother looked more relaxed. It was wonderful to see how a language could turn you into another person, express, think, move in a different way.

Lucas forces himself to roll his eyes, releasing a little snort that cuts off the casual conversation Eliott is having with his mother.

"Enough, don't torture me yet." Lucas complains raising his lip in an expression of disgust and Eliott returns with a sideways smile that always made him melt. He never failed.

"Your French is still perfect." Eliott says to her, making his mother laugh by quickly denying it while she brings her hand to his lips covering her laugh as she had done before. A habit she has had since Lucas can remember.

"Don't listen to him." Lucas tells her by leaning forward trying to overshadow Eliott. "He's trying to score points."

"Then we should just talk to each other.” His mother jokes to Eliott, and beside him Lucas can hear the boy's pleased laughter.

"I can't believe it." Lucas complains again, with his frown and his lower lip down in a half pout. "Twenty minutes with you and you already manage to make her love you more than me.”

And his mother did something that Lucas recognized in him. She rolls her eyes in denial, as Eliott laughs as he approaches him and leaves a kiss on his temple.

It was more than wonderful. It was perfect. And he couldn't imagine being anywhere else with anyone but there with them. With Eliott's hand intertwined with his and his thumb caressing his back with so much love. He could not have felt safer and luckier than he does now. Because a few months ago this would have been a dream that he would have refused to believe and accept, but now it was there. He had managed to overcome his greatest fears thanks to Eliott, his family and himself. Because he had begun last summer looking for answers and longing for a home, and had gained the love of more people and found his place in the world.

His place by Eliott's side.

He had shown him that home is not a place, but a feeling of belonging. And he only felt this way in the arms of one person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was the end. This story turned out much better than I had planned in my head and I am quite happy about that. I'm always looking to write stories that I personally would like to read and this was definitely one of those stories that I had been daydreaming about for a long time. I really enjoy writing, it's an escape for me, and reading all your comments just makes the experience a thousand times more exciting. I always thank you because the idea that more than one person reads what my head imagines, is crazy and even more so if there are some who find this story as one of their favorites. I never get used to read those words, so as always thank you a thousand times. 
> 
> Thank you for staying here, thank you for your comments, kudos or even taking the time to read each chapter. Thank you for that. And I hope to see you soon with more fanfics. I send you all a big hug and take care! ❤️


	15. Snippet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you probably weren't expecting this because I never said I would upload it, but someone in the comments - someone very sweet - told me they'd like to read a piece of the life of these two lovers and honestly, I was itching to explore that a little bit too. And proof of that is that I wrote and edited this little chapter of no more than 5k in four hours. I hope you enjoy it very much and thanks for everything!

Lucas had been right and it was something that Eliott sincerely never imagined accepting out loud, but that didn't take away from the fact that it was true. The relationship between the two was not easy. In those four years they had been together so far it had been a rollercoaster ride of emotions until now.

There were days when Lucas could be grumpier than usual, long nights where insomnia could attack him and at first Eliott had insisted that he pick him up every time he felt like that to keep him company, but little by little Lucas challenged him saying that he didn't have to. That could end well, with small talk at three of the morning sharing a cup of tea while Eliott tried to make all the thoughts that flew through Lucas's head evaporate, but sometimes that was not the situation. Sometimes Lucas would get up and spend hours locked in the bathroom or under the shower trying to calm down, those were the moments when Eliott knew that even his presence could not help. Lucas wanted to be alone and there was nothing he could do but respect that decision.

There were days when Eliott could behave impulsively and Lucas would try to understand it, get angry, but then let him know that he forgave him, but it didn't end there. No, after the high always came Eliott's big fall where his depression dragged him to days and even, at worst, weeks, where he couldn't get out of bed, even if he wanted to. It was a nightmare for him, one he already knew by heart, one that felt like a rope wrapped around his feet and a weight on his body that did not allow him to move while a voice whispered dark and cold thoughts, which Lucas tried to silence with caresses and hugs under the sheets.

But there were also good days, which were worth a thousand over the bad ones, and which made everything else disappear and seem so insignificant, vague as a memory that the mind tries - with quite success - to repress. Days when Eliott would wake up with Lucas's kisses and then he would quietly complain about his morning breath, but his boyfriend just laughs continuing his mission of making him up with a smile. Days when Eliott would try to find ways to surprise Lucas, whether it was with some ridiculous flowers, movie tickets, an impromptu dinner, a trip to some club where both of them would get lost in each other's arms in the middle of the crowd. Such good days, precious moments and instants that Eliott made the most of. Like when he found his boyfriend trying to reach some object in the tallest piece of furniture and Eliott didn't miss the opportunity to show off and bother his boyfriend a little by making him roll his eyes, or like when Lucas would slowly slide over his lap forming some kind of wall between him and his computer, and it was that way, the way Lucas would leave a short kiss on his neck managing to completely distract him from his work.

It was the way Eliott could free himself in Lucas' kisses and the way his boyfriend found safety in his arms.

There were arguments, tightly closed doors, uncomfortable silences, half-hearted words, bitter tears, clenched jaws, long walks at night, but in the end there was always a message asking either of them to go back to home. In the end there was always a hug, a kiss, tears of relief, whispers with words of forgiveness loaded with regret, always, at the end of the night both were fine. There could be some upset, but Eliott was happy to say that they never went to sleep without resolving things and there were never any hidden thoughts or feelings left, it was part of their deal.

And that's why Eliott feels the luckiest person of all.

For those good, bad days, for those little moments like when he finds Lucas dancing to a song in the middle of the room, when his boyfriend is struggling to say a word in French, when he finds him halfway down the aisle in the supermarket biting his lower lip with a scowl as he decides which type of detergent is best, when he's lying in bed watching some bad reality show or when he runs to answeri s cell phone every time someone in his family calls him and spends the next twenty minutes walking back and forth around the apartment with his cell phone stuck to his ear while laughing.

Love those moments like this.

With Lucas buried under the sheets, his hair messy, his nose red, his cheeks warm, his lips half open, his eyes closed, his breathing heavy and choppy, his hands hidden under the pillow and his body covered by an Eliott hoodie that is too big for him, a pair of sweatpants and a pair of socks, everything Eliott put on his after he got home and found his boyfriend lying face down on the bed with a fever of over 100 degrees Fahrenheit - he knows that's not that scary, but he wasn't going to take any chances. So without wasting any time, he took care of Lucas as best he could.

He changed out of his work clothes, which effectively three hours after his arrival home Lucas was still wearing. He took his temperature even though Lucas complained about the sudden change, gave him medication that Lucas had been reluctantly taking for two days and made him a chicken soup that he knew could make him feel better because something inside him told him that it was very certain that his boyfriend had no food other than that granola bar he ate that morning.

Lucas had been sick for two days. It still boiled down to Halloween night when, as usual, they went to celebrate at Idriss' apartment where he and his friend had been living together for a while, but since he moved into Lucas' apartment shortly after his arrival in Paris and that "bachelor" apartment became a home for his friend and Danielle. Even with all of Emma's pleas to be allowed to be his new roommate, Idriss finally became a fully committed adult.

So, like a tradition, both made their entrance wearing their best costumes, drank, talked to their friends, enjoyed the show Idriss gave them and then, as always, they made their escape to the roof where they alternated their moments between making out and dancing to the music. But that night the temperature had been much lower, according to Lucas it had been the coldest night of autumn, so it was completely normal that one of them would end up with a flu that was destroying their immune system and their ability to function normally. And yes, Lucas had felt some kind of tiredness, discomfort, sore throat, but nothing that made him want to lie in bed without moving for hours.

His boyfriend could be so stubborn as to go to work despite everything and not complain enough despite the pain, which is why when Eliott saw him lying on the mattress he knew immediately that he had already reached his limit.

That's how Eliott ended up in that situation. With his boyfriend lying face down struggling to breathe normally while his eyebrows furrowed for seconds before relaxing again. He must have felt so bad, and Eliott couldn't help but feel so helpless that he didn't push him to stay and rest anymore.

"I'm the worst boyfriend ever, aren't I, Odie?" Eliott asks the Aussiedoodle who was lying on Lucas' calf with his head. The dog raises his head to hear his name and his blue and brown eyes look at him with a look so tired that Eliott could identify it as a typical Odie look that said: You’re kidding, right? "I know, you do it better. It goes without saying." Eliott tells him before the dog looks down again as if he finds that conversation a waste of time. Something he hasn't heard a million times already.

And the truth is, he wasn't surprised that Odie was on top of Lucas to keep him company when he arrived, because it was clear that he loved Lucas too much. He was his guardian angel, his best friend, his support, his almost boyfriend, Lucas had once claimed after Arthur joked that Odie could be his competition if he and Lucas were not of different species. And maybe that had something to do with the fact that Lucas was the first of the two that Odie had seen and that he had chosen Lucas as his owner on that March afternoon. And he couldn't have been upset about it because he couldn't have left Lucas in better care than with that four-legged dog, gray and white fur, different colored eyes, one brown and one blue and a long pink tongue that sometimes seems to be smiling at you with happiness.

Eliott had fallen instantly in love with Odie, just as he had with Lucas the first time.

**6 months ago**

He was in his entrepreneurial class when his cell phone vibrated inside his pocket distracting him from his boredom. He loved his career too much, these last four years of his life had been the best, he didn't believe that he was able to fall in love with his passion anymore, but it had been impossible not to. He really loved what he was going to do with his life, but if he had to spend one more second listening to action plans, charts, lists, budgets, numbers, he was sure to end up dying in that chair in front of eighty other students, so when he read his boyfriend's name on his cell phone screen his whole face lit up in a wide smile.

**Lucas ❤️**

**16:24**

do you have your class at 5 today?

yes

that’s my last class

does that mean you'll be here at 7 or so?

7:30 maybe, i'll go to the supermarket to buy some things

why? why so many questions?

nothing

just tell me

nothing

i just wanted to know if i was going to have dinner alone or if i wait for you

no, i will be home on time like every thursday

okay, i'll wait for you even though my stomach is protesting

your stomach is making a sacrifice and i appreciate it

fine, he doesn't like you very much right now

sorry, but i want to eat with my boyfriend today

i hate how corny you are sometimes

you don’t

yeah i don’t

well, pay attention in class instead of talking to me

i love you very much

i see you tonight

❤️❤️❤️

i love you more and i wait for you here ❤️

And after that, as always after talking to Lucas, Eliott was eager to get home so he could wrap his arms around his boyfriend, kiss him, whisper how much he had missed him, sit on the couch, eat while Lucas complains about something that happened on public transportation that day or some silly business his co-worker is starting and needs his opinion. He couldn't wait to see his beautiful and perfect boyfriend, so it was almost a sign from the universe when the Psychology professor announced that the class that afternoon was canceled. Eliott jumped out of his seat practically running to the bus stop to catch the next one home, but not before making the stop he had told Lucas he was going to make. He did his shopping quickly, almost breaking a world record, and then walked home the three blocks from the small supermarket to his apartment.

It was a little after six-thirty, an hour earlier than planned, so he assumed that Lucas was either preparing the meal or in the room watching some television program, but when silence came, it ruled the whole place with no sign of the younger boy anywhere. He leaves things on the kitchen island. Lucas is not there either.

"Honey, I'm home!" Eliott screams in the void walking to the room hoping to find his boyfriend, but what is in front of him makes him stop in his tracks, standing on the door frame while a large-sized creature, gray fur on its back and part of its head and the rest of an opaque white color, a pair of brown eyes and the other lighter, almost blue, along with a long pink tongue that goes up and down in short gasps and the tail, long, moving from one side to the other.

Neither of the two moves until Eliott can't help but approach slowly and as if the dog were copying his movements, he gets closer to Eliott until the latter is left on his knees in front of the dog.

"Hey, buddy, where did you come from?" Eliott asks him by running his hand over the dog's head, stroking its coat and getting a kiss from the furry one. Eliott laughs, receiving the wet kiss on his cheek with pleasure.

"What are you doing here?" Lucas's voice comes behind him. Eliott turns to meet his boyfriend wearing nothing but his pants and his lips parted in a surprised expression. "You were supposed to be here until seven."

Eliott nods while caressing the animal. "Yes, but my last class was cancelled." The dog moves his muzzle upwards pushing his hand asking for more affection. "What is this?"

"It was a surprise I had for you.” Lucas lets out a sigh and comes over to him, sitting on his calves and sinking his hand into the dog's fur, who alternates between him and him obviously enjoying the attention. "You weren't supposed to see him until he was presentable.”

"A surprise?" Eliott asks him with a scowl that he can't stop seeing the sweet animal that was looking at them with attention. "It is not a special date."

"I know.” Lucas responds by giving him a little sideways smile. His eyes, too, were captivated by that big dog with the strange eyes, but attentive. "But do you think I haven't noticed the way you look at Daphne and Basile's dog? You love to play and feed that Golden and I don't forget the story you told me about that little dog you stole from your neighbors". Lucas raises and lowers his shoulders shrugging. "I just thought it was time for someone else to join us.”

Eliott can feel the corners of his lips pulling on a smile that is slowly growing on his face as he listens to Eliott's words and his blue eyes that have that hidden glow, half naughty and also insecure, that only make him hollow Lucas' cheek with his hand attracting his sight to him. Eliott knew that Lucas had also wanted to have a puppy all his life, but he couldn't because Harve was allergic to the grease in the fur of dogs and cats, practically any animal, so something told him that he had done this for himself, too. Was he really worried that he would say no? Impossible, there was no way he could deny this beautiful creature a home.

"I love it, you caught me totally off guard, but it's cute." Lucas's smile also becomes wide. He leans forward leaving a kiss on Eliott's lips before stepping back because someone decided it was a good time to be part of the kiss. Eliott laughs as he tries to wipe the wet slime off his cheek.

"Hey, Odie! Take it easy." Lucas laughs at the animal as he tries to dry his cheek with his wrist.

“¿Odie?" Eliott asks him without being able to stop his laughter again. Lucas nods his head and manages to close his eyes and mouth before being attacked again by Odie. "Like Garfield's?"

"Yes." Lucas answers after the dog sits on his paws again. Eliott continues to stroke Odie's back, his tail wagging so enthusiastically that it is making an impact against Eliott's arm. "The shelter told me they call him that, but we can change his name if we want to.”

"No." Eliott hurries to tell him. "I like that name. How old is it?"

Lucas hums his way up to him until he puts his arm around Eliott's neck without either of them being able to stop giving love to Odie, who kept his tongue out quite enthusiastically. Odie. It fit him perfectly. He had the same cheerful, animated expression as the Jim Davis cartoon.

"Almost five years." Lucas answers him. From where he was Eliott could see his profile and his half- frozen smile on his face. "I wasn't planning to go to the shelter and adopt, I swear." Lucas quickly tells him, turning his face to look at him. "I just wanted to find a good place for us to go together, but then I found myself inside and when I felt like I was being surrounded by a million dogs begging to be adopted, that's when I saw him, or rather, he approached me. The girl told me that he used to be quite suspicious of strangers and that it was a sign that he had chosen me".

"He made a good choice." Eliott tells him against his lips pressed to his cheek before leaving a kiss on his boyfriend's rough skin. "And so did you. He is perfect."

"Isn't it?" Lucas says enthusiastically, turning his face to Odie who tilts his head following his boyfriend's touch. "It was love at first sight.”

"It is good.” Eliott agrees by squeezing his arm around Lucas' waist and sticking his side closer to him. "Now Brian will have someone to play with.”

Lucas' entire smile was erased by turning his face to meet Eliott's in a completely serious and even threatening expression. That for a moment he feared that Lucas was about to push him out of the room.

"Don't even think about it." Lucas says to him with his eyes narrowed and his jaw straightened so that he could easily cut it off. "That thing is not going to come anywhere near Odie, not even in your dreams, is that clear?"

Eliott lowers his lower lip at the same time as his eyes in a pout that does not manage to erase that hard expression of Lucas. "Okay, but at some point they have to meet if they are brothers."

"No." Lucas quickly denies and moves over Eliott's lap, rising from the ground. "If Brian is even three feet away from Odie and I'm going to file for divorce.”

Eliott bows his face, looking up at Lucas, who is crossing his arms over his chest. Odie keeps wagging his tail, concentrating on following Eliott's slow caresses on his head, completely oblivious to this ridiculous little argument his new owners are having.

"We're not even married." Eliott argues.

Lucas nods, pursing the corner of his lip upward. "Exactly, so you're warned."

Eliott lets out a sigh of surrender. He turns his face to find Odie's attentive eyes giving him a clear look of: You better do what he says. Well, he had been here for about three hours and had already chosen a side.

"Hey, what are you doing half naked?" Eliott asks his boyfriend, remembering the state he was in. His pants falling from his hips, his strong and fit torso was naked, as well as his feet that are barefoot.

"I was about to take a bath, but you decided to come earlier than planned." Lucas tells him by looking down at his body biting his lower lip before releasing the last of a low complaint. "I smell chemicals." Lucas looks up and Eliott likes to know that, over time, he and his boyfriend have developed this kind of nonverbal communication where they are able to understand what the other is saying. Bingo. Lucas drops his arms, extending his hand to Eliott, who soon accepts. "You don't even have to ask."

"Yes, I do. I would never do anything you didn't want." Eliott tells him by running his hands through Eliott's hair, moving the locks back and leaving them hooked in his ears and then dropping his arms over the youngest boy's shoulders and Lucas' arms around his waist leaving his breasts attached. His boyfriend opens his mouth to protest, but he goes ahead and takes a piece of his naked skin on his neck and sucks it a little, making Lucas' body quiver. "I don't care what you smell like." He mutters with his smile pressed against his warm skin.

Lucas moans a little backwards until he meets Eliott's face in an open, burning, hurried, hungry kiss that cuts both of them off as they continue to walk slowly to the bathroom and where Eliott manages to close the door with his foot before raising his arms upwards allowing his boyfriend to get rid of his clothes that are beginning to get in the way. And so Eliott was able to show his boyfriend how much he had loved his surprise. 

**6 months later**

"Stop blaming yourself for this." Lucas quietly tells him, making Eliott's head stop flying away and returning to reality. "And stop looking at me so much. It's scary."

Eliott crawls to where his boyfriend is passing his back over the cheek that is now less hot and no longer has that red color he had a few hours ago. That means the fever was gone, but that hadn't made all the pain Lucas was feeling in his body disappear.

"How do you feel?" Eliott asks his boyfriend quietly. He raises his hand to Lucas' slightly moist forehead. His boyfriend tries to open his eyes a little, but he instantly closes them again when he can't stand the light from the lamp that was resting on the night table.

"Like shit." Lucas groans in pain, furrowing his brow. "I feel like I've been hit by a bus, then by a train and that I've been used as an airstrip.”

"I'm sorry you're like this." Eliott apologizes by stroking the back of his boyfriend, who again moans of relief followed by a sigh that was muffled by the pillow in which his head was buried. "You'll feel better in a couple of days.

"Mh." Lucas answers by opening his eyes a little again, seeing him through his drooping eyelashes. "It wasn't a good idea to go to work and don't tell me you told me, it's not a good idea to tell me that right now."

Eliott laughs a little, moistening his lips as he remembers how that morning Lucas had insisted on going to work even though his entire face and body screamed the opposite.

"It doesn't make much sense to go to work with medication while you're sick.” Eliott tells him, trying to hide the fun on his face, Lucas grunts down, shaking his head on the pillow.

"Hush." Lucas says in his threatening tone of voice.

"I just say." Eliott defends himself by hiding his smile, even though Lucas couldn't see it, but he was sure he could feel it.

"Tomorrow I won't go, okay?" Lucas responds in defeat by opening his eyes further to Eliott's encounter with those deep oceans from which he is able to jump off the boat and explore all their waters.

Eliott nods and moves closer to Lucas in a silent invitation that he accepts by turning a little on his side and giving him enough space for Eliott to be trapped under his body. He hugs Lucas' back with one arm while with the other he caresses his soft, straight hair that is too messy.

"You're going to get sick." Lucas says to him, his cheek pressed against Eliott's chest, but his eyes closed with weariness.

"I don't care." Eliott removes a few strands of hair that cover his forehead before leaving a long kiss on that smooth skin. "You'll take care of me."

Lucas complains again, but his arm only gets tighter at Eliott's sides. "We cannot risk. I don't want Odie or Brian to be an orphan."

Eliott laughs softly as he feels Lucas's head move, leaving the bridge of his nose pressed against his Adam's apple. Odie, who had not moved from his current position on Lucas's leg, moved his head watching the scene with his half-asleep eyes.

"So dramatic." Eliott says to his boyfriend with a smile on his lips. It was good to know that Lucas couldn't lose his sense of humor even if he was in this state.

"That's how you like me." Eliott can feel a little smile coming from Lucas, too. At least it was also good to know that he could still do something to relieve or distract him at this time and he still had his "sense of humor" and this will be something Eliott will remind Lucas when he makes fun that he next year he will turn in the _horrible and boring thirty years._ It's not as if Lucas had never been sick, but normally he was the one who had the most opportunity to care for Eliott because of his condition, so Eliott also took advantage of these moments to give him back, even if it was only a quarter of what his boyfriend was doing for him. "Tell me how your script is going for your final project." Lucas asks him weakly.

"I already told you." Eliott responds by leaving another kiss in his hair, making Lucas squirm a little in his arms following his touch. "In fact, if I remember correctly, you were there. You inspired it. It’s yours."

Lucas sighs humming in response. "I know, but I like it when you tell it.”

And so it was that Eliott told him again the story that both knew by heart and which Lucas had given him permission to use for his final project. The project that would help him graduate and the one that had also been part of it would begin to study the career he loved. The story of that American boy of European origin who decided to travel to his country, the country where he was born and grew up the first years of his life, to look for someone important in his life, but along the way he met a boy who helped him to carry out his mission. A story full of ups and downs, some plot twists, a little bit of romance and also full of absurd things - no, it doesn't influence anything like fights between galaxies, although Lucas prayed for them - but it did fill some empty spaces that his own story had. And he was aware that reality was not like that, it was not perfect, they were not, everything that had happened was not, but in his characters he did not allow so much loneliness, sadness, pain, fear. In his story he was able to create a parallel universe to them, where other Eliott kissed other Lucas in that glass room and confessed his situation to him before anyone else did. A universe where all the pain never existed, and if it did, it left no scar. But in this universe, those wounds had existed, they were there, and Eliott could not do anything else but love each one of them, kiss them and try to make them less painful every day until Lucas forgot them.

Eliott noticed how Lucas's breathing was falling more and more and the weight on his chest was getting heavier.

"You are falling asleep." Eliott says in a low voice, this time Lucas just grunted a little. "Sleep, baby. I love you."

Lucas hums a little murmuring, what Eliott believes, was a _I love you_ , but he only manages to pronounce _love_ in a whisper before falling asleep again in Eliott's arms.

In his safe place.


End file.
